Write, Wrote, Written discussion

19 views
Rubyfirewoods12's Writing > Not Sure Yet...

Comments Showing 1-22 of 22 (22 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (last edited Jul 28, 2014 06:03AM) (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
I am just going to write freely and go with whatever my hands type, okay? Okay.

"Mista! Mista!" A woman's voice. "Here mama!" answered a small girl, who ran into her mother's outstretched arms. The woman swept her up and kissed the little girl on the forehead. "Time to go, Mista." "But mama!" protested the girl of about five or six. "I don't want to leave! I want to stay in Taraha!" The woman's face softened as she saw the sadness in her daughter's eyes. "I know, my darling, but we can't stay in this village, you've heard what's been happening-" "No, mama! No! I want to stay! I want to..." The little girl dissolved in tears and struggled out of the woman's arms.

She ran, but a strong-looking man swept her up before she could get far. "What is wrong, my little Missy?" The girl stopped crying slightly when she heard the nickname her father always called her. The man looked over to the girl's mother and said, "The wagon's ready, and so are the boys, when you are." The woman nodded. He turned back to his daughter. "What is the matter Missy?" he asked again.

"I-I don't want to go, I want to stay in Taraha!" The man nodded as if he had anticipated this. He shifted the girl on his other hip and began to walk. "Well, you see Missy, we have to go-"

"But-"

"And I believe you know this. Now, I want you to be a big girl and help your mama and your brothers, okay?" The girl didn't say anything. Finally, she said, "But, why do we run? Why not stay and fight? Why not save and p...p...pro-tect," she pronounced the word slowly, as if still practicing the sounds, "our home? Why can't we-"

"Mista!" said her father sternly. Then he softened. "You know we must. And don't think of it as running, just as... moving! Now," He set down the girl on the bed of the wagon as he reached it. "Be a good girl and promise me what I asked."

"Okay, papa, I promise." said the little girl.


message 2: by Kamiko (new)

Kamiko (kamiko1108) | 1125 comments This is really good!


message 3: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
Thanks!


message 4: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
Annnnnd to the Present!

"Well, Mista, you are getting quite good, I must admit," said Charlie, as he lunged with his sword. The girl he was fighting with laughed heartily. "And you're getting old, Charlie dear." She easily dodged his attack and nearly sliced his ear off when she counter-attacked him.

"Ah, yes, these old muscles aren't what they used to be..." agreed the man, and ran one hand through his graying hair as he sliced the air with the other.

"But," he puffed, attacking the girl again and again, "There is one...that...you..." With that he knocked the sword out of the girl's gloved hand and placed his along her neck, holding her hands behind her back painfully. "...don't know yet." He finished, and released her.

Mista backed away, gasping for air and laughing at the same time. Once she was finished doubling over and coughing, she took off her face guard and shook her head, letting her strikingly blond hair fall to its normal position. Her bright blue eyes danced as she picked up her sword and sheathed it.

She looked up at her bodygaurd and thought for the hundreth time how lucky she was to have him. Not that she would ever tell him that, he was blown up with his ego too much already.


message 5: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
Any constructive criticism yet?


message 6: by [deleted user] (new)

i dont think it needs any...amazing yaar


message 7: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
THX!!!!!


message 8: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (last edited Aug 07, 2014 12:23PM) (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
"Come now, Mista, the bell is ringing."

Mista took her face guard under her arm and her sheathed sword at her belt. She followed the man up to a large house, encrusted with years of ivy, but somehow the house still had an air of majesty around it.

Mista did her best to wipe the grime off her boots at the front door, but the maid came to let them in before she was finished. Martha, the maid, looked disgusted at her mistress's muddy boots and dirty fencing uniform, but said nothing as she led them to the dining room.


message 9: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
Mista's mother looked up from her dish of pork roast she was eating. She looked Mista up and down, then went back to eating daintily at the huge table. "Change." she ordered, and Mista slunk away to her chambers.

When she emerged again, she was wearing her usual jeans and t-shirt, and smiled to herself as she cast away the silly dress uniform her mother had picked out for her to wear. She hated dresses and her mother knew that. But, she still insisted. Mista looked around for Charlie, but he was nowhere to be seen, so she set off for the dining room alone, making her way through many halls and countless rooms in the huge mansion.


message 10: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
When she arrived in the dining room, her mother was still seated there, but had finished eating and her plate was slightly pushed away from her.

"Good afternoon, Mother." recited Mista as she sat down. A servant placed a plate in front of her, filled with pork roast. Mista made a face. She hated pork roast.

Her mother said nothing for a while as Mista choked down her lunch. She only watched silently, betraying no emotion to her daughter's usual lack of manners. Finally, as Mista was washing down her pork with a good smattering of water, her mother spoke.

"Mista, remember your manners, you need to begin conversation before you finish eating." The girl bowed her head submissively, but in her head she was thinking, "So? Does it look like I care?"

Her mother nodded her head approvingly and said, "Well, now that you have finished your piggish eating I will begin. You have a busy schedule tomorrow, and you need to prepare for the guests. Lord Rastaban and his family are coming from a long ways away, and I want you on your best behavior!"

Mista nodded sullenly, suddenly sick.


message 11: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (last edited Jul 28, 2014 10:58AM) (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
"And, later that evening, you have your lessons, - extra, remember, you skipped today - and another guest, whom is coming to see me, and you will stay out of the way, understood?"

"Yes, understood." Mista answered, making a face.

"Yes understood, Mother." corrected her mother sharply.

"Yes understood, Mother." repeated Mista.

"Good. You may go now."

Mista jerked up and it took a lot of effort not to run from the room. But she wasn't little anymore. She was expected to do this, and not to do that, and manners and etiquette- it all made her sick.


message 12: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (last edited Jul 29, 2014 05:09AM) (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
She muttered to herself as she strode down the hall, and she was so immersed in her own thoughts she ran into Charlie with a thud.

"Oof! Hey! I - Oh! Hullo Charlie!"

"Yes, uh, not, not now, Mista, not now..." Charlie walked off down the hall, and Mista was confused. There was something different about him. Something the matter with the way he talked, or how he walked, looking left and right constantly, with irregular footsteps. Suddenly she realized. "He's nervous." She thought to herself, shaking her head. She continued walking, but all thoughts about tomorrow and her mother had vanished. Now she was having the time of her life trying to figure out what was bothering her faithful bodyguard.

She went to her room still thinking about it, and she laid down on her bed muttering thoughtfully to herself. But after a while she began to drift. She hadn't realized how tired she was until her head hit the pillow. Within minutes, she was fast asleep.


message 13: by [deleted user] (new)

I love it! Your ideas are endless!


message 14: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
Awwww thx! Wow, when I made this group I thought I could invite one or two people I know, but now.....I mean, 42 is a whole lot bigger than what I imagined.... and there is so much talent for writing! It's amazing what the people here came up with!


message 15: by Kamiko (new)

Kamiko (kamiko1108) | 1125 comments This is so good! Write more, please!


message 16: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
Thanks! I will!


message 17: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (last edited Jul 29, 2014 03:25PM) (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
Mista woke to a loud - very loud - bell ringing. Mista groaned and slapped her hand on her bedside table, searching for the noisy alarm clock, but after five minutes of pounding on the clock, her sleepy brain finally realized it wasn't the culprit. She remembered her mother had decided to have a bell tower installed in the mansion to wake the household, since her daughter tended to ignore her alarm clock. This way, it kept on tolling until someone walked all the way to it and stopped it.


message 18: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
The girl dragged herself off of her bed and stood, looking sleepily into the mirror and yawning. She glanced at her clock. It read 6:07 pm. Mista jumped in surprise. That wasn't the wake up bell, it was the dinner bell. She gasped and ran to her dresser.

She began pulling out shirts and jeans, messing up her clean room yet again, and finally seemed to find what she was looking for.

Mista shot towards the bathroom and emerged within a few minutes, fully dressed and in the middle of trying to brush her hair and teeth at the same time. A soft knock at the door, and a timid maid came into the room.

"Wha-d-yoo waan'?" Asked Mista crossly, and the maid flinched. "A-anything you want, miss?" She nearly scurried away when Mista glared daggers at her and turned away. "Yoo can' Bbwuth my haur." The maid carefully took the brush from the girl's hand and delicately brushed her hair.

Within ten minutes, Mista was brushed, washed, changed, and ready. She shooed the maid away, grabbed her bag, and ran out to the dining room.


message 19: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
Before she entered the room, however, she glanced in a hand mirror. She smiled at her ruffled reflection. Her long blond hair had slightly fallen out of the neat bun the maid had done for her, and her black jeans with a red and white long t-shirt had gotten slightly wrinkled. Mista shook her head and let the rest of her hair fall to her shoulders.

With a nod and a grin, she replaced the mirror in her pocket and walked into the room. Her mother, Lady Merrida of Delphin Manor, looked up and her face turned into a mask of disappointment. Mista ignored her mother's soft tutting and looked to the three men sitting at the table with her. The first one she recognized, and she grinned even wider. Her father, Lord James of Delphin Manor, was sitting beside his wife


message 20: by Kayla (new)

Kayla (kburson) | 18 comments Wow, Rubyfirewoods! You have a natural gift for description and strong writing. Your characters are all unique and jump off the page. You did an amazing job with the dialect when Mista was brushing her teeth, too. (I also love the name Mista!)

I don't have many critiques, but one thing that you could watch is your use of adverbs. You don't have too many, but there are some that you could replace with stronger verbs or sentence restructuring. For example, "The girl stopped crying slightly." Try to think of a verb stronger than "stopped" that will mean the same as "stopped crying slightly." Maybe, "The girl's heaving slowed" or something similar that will omit "slightly."

Another example is your sentence: "Mista did her best to wipe the grime off her boots at the front door, but the maid came to let them in before she was completely finished." You can omit the word "completely" and it will mean the same thing and be just as strong.

As a general rule with adverbs, you only want to use them if it will change the meaning of the sentence. For example, you could use "I ran slowly," but you wouldn't use "I ran quickly," because running is assumed to happen quickly. If it is modifying a verb that means something similar, try to find a stronger verb instead. I hope that helps a bit!

Overall, an awesome work so far; keep it up!


message 21: by Ruby, Just plain Epictastic. (new)

Ruby (rubyyy) | 2486 comments Mod
Wow, thanks! This is going to help my writing a lot! I am definitely going to work on my writing in the ways you suggested!


message 22: by Kayla (new)

Kayla (kburson) | 18 comments Awesome! I'm glad I helped a bit :-).


back to top