Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query Feedback - Dark Fantasy/Sci fi/Adventure Novel
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Hello Alexander,Any query that gets an MS request is 'good,' everything else is 'bad.' The tricky part is knowing the difference. There are lots of conventions in writing queries, but if you look at successful ones (e.g., those that got MS requests), there are no meaningful trends and pretty much every one of them violates one or more of the conventions. I'd say, if you queried a half dozen agents and none showed any interest, then perhaps you want to change to be more conventional. Just keep in mind that querying the same agent with the same work can get you blackballed (which might be an urban legend, or might not; it's up to you if you want to take the risk).
That being said, if you carefully research each agent before you send it, and have a sentence or two that reveal that research (e.g., personalization), then perhaps you want to keep on trying. Making those decisions is what's so damn vexing about this process, as you typically get zero feedback to know if you're writing an effective query or not.
With all that as background, I assume you know that the convention is a blurb that's 100-150 words, written in third-person, present-tense, introduces your character, obstacles and stakes and is entertaining and intriguing. I would say your blurb misses a lot of those elements.
You have some comps in there, but supposedly really famous authors/books are problematic, and you're to use well-known, but not famous ones (fun, eh?). I really doubt telling the agent how you've always wanted to be a writer will make them any more likely to request an MS. It's important to realize that agents get 100-500 of these each week, which they have to read in addition to any work they do with their established authors, and they also have to read the MSs they requested. Thus, most are looking for reasons to say 'no' (and no response means 'no') and I feel like you've given them a number.
So, my advice? Well, either throw away what you have and go conventional, or submit it exactly like you have it. How's that for worthless feedback?
Good luck either way!
Thanks for your time and feedback Keith. It wasn't worthless at all! But this process is so hard. Like you said, you rarely get feedback after a rejection. And the smallest thing could make an agent say no. I have had 1 or 2 requests but haven't gotten further than that. So to increase my chances I got a pro edit on one of my books. It tightened up the writing and the editor taught me some really helpful things I can do on my own next time. So I've sent out to a few new agents with the edited version. Here's hoping someone looks past the query this time around. But yes - I think my bio needs some serious work and to tighten up the blurb too. Thanks Keith. It just sucks that I sent it out. I feel like I'm running out of agents!
That's _exactly_ how I felt (running out of agents). I initially thought of my novel as a romantic thriller (this, despite never having read any romances!) and my blurb/query was oriented around that. Well, I violated most of the romance tropes, and the story really isn't that thrilling (no reasonable reader will ever think the MC is in danger; that was on purpose, though). After failing to get any MS requests with over 25 queries, only _then_ did I decide to get beta reader and editorial feedback. After substantial revisions of my query (my story did get restructured, but was mostly just cleaned up, but I hadn't any MS requests, so that was largely moot) I was now in a position of finding a new list of agents, something I've struggled with since then and, as a consequence, only queried a time or two.
'*** ***' is a book about equal parts imagination and music. As a musician myself, I understand what music and art can do for the soul. I have wanted to be a writer since I was a child, there’s no other goal as large, and it is my dream to be on the shelves with my literary idols telling stories that make readers think about their place in the universe. Having completed a mix of novels, novellas, and novelettes, writing and creating worlds is something that I am incapable of stopping. This book is an introduction to a large sweeping world of joined fiction, yet this book can serve as a stand-alone. Fans of Stephen King and Clive Barker (their fantasy sides), Philip Pullman, J K Rowling, Tim Powers, David Mitchell, and Laini Taylor would enjoy my work. (I'm sorry but this isn't a good start. Agents are incredibly busy. They skim over queries and press delete as soon as they lose interest. This is risking agents deleting your email before they've even read about your novel. First, it's the dream of every writer to be published so you don't need to tell them it's your dream; you wouldn't be emailing them if it wasn't. Second, the agent doesn't care about how many things you've written unless any of them were published. Third, it's a really bad idea to compare yourself to famous authors like Stephen King or J. K. Rowling; it suggests to the agent that you have unrealistic ambitions and that you don't really know your market that well. Sorry if that sounded harsh, but I seriously advice you to cut down on your bio and place it at the end of your query. An agent needs to care about your story before they care about you as a writer.).
Seventeen-year-old Adam Reilly thinks he knows all about imagination as a gifted musician and dreamer. A lonely boy, he finds solace in the worlds that can be created in his mind, including the imagined regard of Popular Girl Merryn Kendall (I like this but think you can do better. There's a lot of telling, and not a lot of showing. Show the agent how Adam is a dreamer and lonely, rather than telling them that he is. Also think you should make this more concise, combining both sentences into one.) But when a child is abducted from the town he lives in, that one horrible act sets in motion events that will ensnare many citizens, waking them to the painful memories they have blocked away – namely one distant night on the threshold of an abandoned mansion. While on a terrified run through the hinterland, Adam Reilly uncovers that very place, and it is the town's greatest secret, decrepit yet beautiful. Its power is almost beyond comprehension (I feel like this is all too vague to interest the agent. They just want to know what Adam's goals are, what the stakes of the story are, how Adam works to overcome those stakes and how those stakes are raised. The other details will be revealed to the agent via the synopsis or sample chapters. Also, don't continue to use Adam's surname; the agent wants to feel close to Adam and that they're rooting for him.).
The town stews in its confusion as the days grow darker and more children are taken by persons unknown (Nice rise of the stakes, but how exactly does this all relate to Adam and what is he going to do about it?). One man rises from the pack to find them and bring them home - Adam Reilly's father. Joshua Reilly is unaware his son has found revelation. He is also unaware of the insidious desires of the townsfolk around him, and those he thought of as enemies soon begin to look more innocent than those he called his friends (So is Adam the main character or his father? Even if both are, stick to one point of view for the query and don't tell us things that character doesn't know. Tell us only how that character drives the plot). Allies will be revealed as liars, and their allegiances to tempting beasts will bring death and betrayal in abundance. One beast, with a deadly agenda, is heading towards the town from afar. (This is all too vague)
What begins as the lonely day-to-day life of a gifted boy and his depressed alcoholic father soon becomes an other-worldly pilgrimage with allies, arch enemies, maidens and monsters (This is all unnecessary.). All forces are converging on the miraculous mansion and its crucial secret: a door, the simplest of objects promising infinite possibilities. The mansion is just the beginning. Where it leads will shake Adam and Joshua’s faith in everything they once believed, and the gifted musician will discover just how large life is. He will witness the wonders and horrors that run rampant in its heart.
(Honestly, you have an interesting sounding plot here, but I would start again with the query. Just write things down much simpler. What does Adam want? What is stopping Adam from getting what he wants? What is Adam going to do about it? All good queries have the same basic structure; they make us root for the main character, lay out the goal, the stakes and tease how the main character will overcome those stakes and reach their goal. Don't give up. Hope this was helpful.).
Thanks for your feedback Villain Fan. Since this post, I have cut most of the bio and shifted it to the end. I've also cut some of the blurb. You have some good points about the blurb though too. I'll have to go over it again.
Keith and Villain provide some pretty good advice. I've had success with queries, but none have adhered to the query letter template. Get the unique idea out quickly and don't worry about the stakes stuff, which can't help but sound formulaic. Agents care nothing about your aspirations and little more for your bio. A lot of it is simply luck. A news story or something in the trades that triggers a sensitivity to your idea.
'*** ***' is a book about equal parts imagination and music. As a musician myself, I understand what music and art can do for the soul. I have wanted to be a writer since I was a child, there’s no other goal as large, and it is my dream to be on the shelves with my literary idols telling stories that make readers think about their place in the universe. Having completed a mix of novels, novellas, and novelettes, writing and creating worlds is something that I am incapable of stopping. This book is an introduction to a large sweeping world of joined fiction, yet this book can serve as a stand-alone. Fans of Stephen King and Clive Barker (their fantasy sides), Philip Pullman, J K Rowling, Tim Powers, David Mitchell, and Laini Taylor would enjoy my work.
Seventeen-year-old Adam Reilly thinks he knows all about imagination as a gifted musician and dreamer. A lonely boy, he finds solace in the worlds that can be created in his mind, including the imagined regard of Popular Girl Merryn Kendall. But when a child is abducted from the town he lives in, that one horrible act sets in motion eventsthat will ensnare many citizens, waking them to the painful memories they have blocked away – namely one distant night on the threshold of an abandoned mansion. While on a terrified run through the hinterland, Adam Reilly uncovers that very place, and it is the town's greatest secret, decrepit yet beautiful. Its power is almost beyond comprehension.
The town stews in its confusion as the days grow darker and more children are taken by persons unknown. One man rises from the pack to find them and bring them home - Adam Reilly's father. Joshua Reilly is unaware his son has found revelation. He is also unaware of the insidious desires of the townsfolk around him, and those he thought of as enemies soon begin to look more innocent than those he called his friends. Allies will be revealed as liars, and their allegiances to tempting beasts will bring death and betrayal in abundance. One beast, with a deadly agenda, is heading towards the town from afar.
What begins as the lonely day-to-day life of a gifted boy and his depressed alcoholic father soon becomes an other-worldly pilgrimage with allies, arch enemies, maidens and monsters. All forces are converging on the miraculous mansion and its crucial secret: a door, the simplest of objects promising infinite possibilities. The mansion is just the beginning. Where it leads will shake Adam and Joshua’s faith in everything they once believed, and the gifted musician will discover just how large life is. He will witness the wonders and horrors that run rampant in its heart.