Feedback needed for YA Dystopian Query Letter

[Betty]

Hi Beta Readers,

I completed my manuscript & query for a YA Dystopian Novel and would love some honest feedback!

Thank you!!


Hello Ms./Mr. Agent,

I am seeking representation for my 96,000 word Young Adult Dystopian novel THE ISLAND. I have chosen to submit to you because_(will fill this out based on each agents profile)____.

Rachel Ives lives on a quarantined island in the Western Division, with the thousands of other citizens who have succumbed to a merciless government. Living in slums, the citizens slave away at hard labor jobs out of fear of being taken. The mystery of where they go and what happens next haunts them as the population quickly thins out.

To her horror, her best friend Zander is among four others selected to fly out to the other side of the island, the Eastern Division, for reasons unknown. Shortly after, a young man with no record of existing arrives with a mysterious connection to her deceased father. The islands secrets begin to unravel and Rachel becomes immersed in a treacherous plot, putting the lives of thousands of citizens in jeopardy, unveiling the fatal flaws of her father’s plan and the danger that comes with trusting the friends you thought you knew.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,
Betty


***I have published some short stories in various literary magazines (one was a high school magazine, another was a university magazine, and the other two were regular magazines based out of New York), but none of them are prestigious. Should I mention them in a brief bio or is it best to leave them out?

[Keith]

Hello Betty,

I'm not sold on your blurb. I feel confused reading it. Zander is mentioned once. Generally, you only name a character if they show up in the blurb (or synopsis) more than once, otherwise use their role (e.g., best friend).

Living in slums, it's hard to imagine that there would be records for everyone, so the young man being anonymous doesn't seem significant. Since it appears Rachel's father's plan factors significantly, I think you need some explanation.

Regarding your writing credits, I don't think anything in high school is worthy of reporting, but mentioning the rest is probably valuable. Don't talk down the magazines, though.

Do you have a social media presence? I've read that if an agent likes your blurb and whatever else you've sent them, they'll search on your name the very next thing. If you have a website, etc. you might want to mention it, if it's not obviously connected to your name.

Good luck!

[Betty]

Hi Keith,

Thank you for the feedback! I will work on addressing the issues you pointed out and repost in here for second thoughts.

As far as social media presence, I have an Instagram & Facebook but have not used that to build a platform.

[Betty]

April 16 Draft #2

Dear Agent,

Rachel Ives is condemned to an island of horrors, aching to escape to the Nation, a place of freedom that she only heard whispers about.

The Supremes have made that impossible, giving the citizens two options: Cruel laws, ritualistic sacrifices, hard labor, and constant paranoia under the guise of unity and prosperity—or to be taken by the watchmen that police the town, an even worse fate.

To her horror, her sister who she vowed to protect is taken, her own mother betrays her, and her best friend, the person she trusted most in the world, is sent to help the very government that aims to destroy her and everyone she loves.

After a young man arrives to her workhouse claiming he knows her deceased father, she soon discovers that they are both a part of a much larger plan to destroy what they believe is the most important asset to the Supremes—a machine that wipes away memories and controls the mind.

But Rachel soon comes to realize that this is only the tip of the iceberg: even with the machine destroyed, they aren’t safe.

Hoping to find a way to escape, she embarks on a dangerous mission to save not only her sister, but thousands of innocent people marked for a fate worse than death. With the odds against her, more citizens being taken by the day, a dangerous lockdown, and even harsher punishments, Rachel must navigate the chaos to find the one loophole that can save her people, but only if she will be able to find it in time…

THE ISLAND is a Young Adult Dystopian Novel complete at 96,000 words.

[Keith]

You got good detail, but now you're running long. The supposed sweet spot is 100-150 words, you're at 263. 'Too long' is certainly not fatal, but it's something to keep in mind.

For me, I think the blurb does a good job of outlining the story. My only suggestion is the term 'loophole' implies some sort of legalistic wrangling. If that's not your intent, perhaps something stronger would work better.

Don't forget to leave room for personalization.

And be sure to get an editor to look over it.

[Tamara]

Hi Betty,

It is hard to boil a book into a few hundred words, so don’t lose heart. Having said that, the first half of the query tells me where the MC lives, who the bad guys are and all the bad things they do, and all the bad things happening in the MC’s life.

It’s not until halfway through that you get to the problem and the plot. But I still don’t have a feel for what the MC wants, what’s keeping the MC from getting it, and what does the MC need to give up or how does the MC need to change o get what she wants.

If you haven’t read Query Shark I highly recommend it. Reading the posts really helped me understand the bones of a good query.

Keep up the hard work and good luck.

[Betty]

Keith and Tamara,

Thank you for your suggestions, I will make sure to address the issues!