Query feedback for epic fantasy

[Michael]

Would love for someone to critique my query letter.

Dear :

I read on your website that you are interested in fantasy. (The first line will be personalized). Perhaps you would like to step aboard the Bryne and walk her stormy decks with Sarin as she sets sail for Ilberìth.

Be warned, though, that the crossing is not for the lighthearted. Death is lurking in the staterooms and war will be your greeting as you wreck upon the stony shores of the Empire if you manage to survive the night. A corsair fleet is about to land, carrying the battalions of House Andorìn, intent on taking back Ilberìth from the bastard son of the emperor.

As you flee from the corsairs through the desolate Feythless Mountains, you will discover that Sarin's struggle is not merely to survive but also to defend her adopted people, the Silimìr, despite her vows as a healer. She is one of the last of the Sarinah, whose powers to mend are as strong as their mental compulsion to preserve life.

During her flight, Sarin discovers the seductive power of the bloodstone which amplifies her ability to heal but also tempts her to use its destructive might. Twice she falls victim to its persuasive allure and she pledges never to do so again. But then she is caught up in the political intrigues of the Silimìr and is chosen by their dying leader to rule over all the clans.

If you make it to the end of this 125,000-word epic fantasy, you will discover whether the Silimìr perish under Sarin's rule or she redefines the bonds between life and death.

Lilirìon - The Last of the Sarinah is the first book in the Lilirìon saga and my first novel. It uses a multiple POV structure like that in the Game of Thrones series.

I would be pleased to send you my manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,

[Keith]

I'm not sold on the use of second-person. Is the book written thus? If not, then I think second-person here is a mistake. If the story is, indeed, in second-person, then there's a case for doing so in your blurb. That being said, the rule of thumb is third-person, present-tense in blurbs (and synopses) irrespective of how the body of the story is presented.

I have read a number of 'successful' queries (i.e., those that got MS requests) that substantially deviate from the norm, however, so if you feel strongly about your approach, try it with a few agents and see what happens.

[Tarea]

Second person is a hard feat to accomplish but it’s not impossible. Do you know the author N.K. Jeminsin “The Fifrh Season”? I think you’ll take interest in her style of writing. The only thing I’d recommend is fixing the end of your Query where it says “if you make it to the end of this story...” just start out flat by saying the word count and never tell agents/publishers this is your first novel, you know and they may figure, but it’s a sort of “turn off” if that makes sense. Instead talk about your achievements and what to expect in the near future with this work. Lastly, the part “like the game of thrown series...” when you mention the word count, mention the works your story relates too.

Hopefully, this helped some! Good luck!

[Michael]

Keith wrote: "I'm not sold on the use of second-person. Is the book written thus? If not, then I think second-person here is a mistake. If the story is, indeed, in second-person, then there's a case for doing so..."

Keith,
Thanks for weighing in on my query, as you seem to be the resident query guru here. I understand your point and am aware of what the norm is. My query is based on one that, indeed, got a request. It was cited by an agent as something that caught her interest. I realized, however, that it is the hook itself that will make the difference. In any case, my manuscript is written in third person limited.
Thanks for your time and insight.

[Michael]

Tarea wrote: "Second person is a hard feat to accomplish but it’s not impossible. Do you know the author N.K. Jeminsin “The Fifrh Season”? I think you’ll take interest in her style of writing. The only thing I’d..."
Tara,
Thanks for your suggestions. I will change that "If you get to the end..." part. As for mentioning my achievements, I have none in this genre. I doubt that a Ph.D. thesis on a Humanist poet will make any difference.