Amazon exiles discussion
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Carry On up the Amazon
There's a moose loose in this hoose?""It's my song", said the doormoose, "So I should choose"
"Alright", said Rocky, "What do you suggest."
The DM thought for a moment then a smile spread across his face.
I know", he said, "I'd like to hear, "Back Door Man by Willie Dixon"
Francis looked extremely nervous.
"I don't like the sound of anything about that song", he said.
"Don't worry, "said the DM, "...
... I am here for your musical pleasure. All you have to do is think of a tune, and I shall play it for you.Beryl said, Wowza! and started thinking.
Princess Diana couldn't decide between 2 of her favorite Prince songs.
Crocky thought of an old Irish lullaby his Greatgrandmere Crockerella used to sing when he was a wee tadpole. Hush little Crocky, don't you cry, Mama's gonna bake you an alligator pie...
Francis thought of singing a duet with Willie Nelson. All alone again. I'm up the Amazon on my own again...
Beryl was still thinking.
Des thought about how great The Osmonds were (especially that bit of hot-stuff, Marie) but was too embarrassed to admit it.
Barry said out loud, I LOVE THE NIGHTLIFE! I LOVE TO BOOGIE!
Done! said The Doormoose. Suddenly, a great silver ball appeared in the sky and started to spin. Fractured multi-colored lights flew from the orb, bathing The Travelers in a rainbow of sparking brilliance. Slowly, a beat began to build until it burst through the jungle like a sonic boom!
What the hell was that! squawked Squawky.
What?! said Marco
He said, where is his hat?! said Gusto.
What?! said Macky.
Eh?! said Rocky? There's a bat?!
I think my ears are ringing! said Sir David. Because I once...
Well then, said Rocky. Answer the damn phone!
The Doormoose tapped his foot, glared at The Travelers and said, Are you done?
The Travelers hung their heads, scuffed their feet, and said, Yes sir.
Well then! said The Doormoose. It's time to partay!!! As the silver ball spun, everybody began to dance and sing...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umAur...
After several hours of dancing and singing, Diana said, My feet hurt!
Des said, Mine too! Francis said, All my feet hurt! Barry said, MINE TOO! Crocky said, Eep! Sir David had fainted.
Beryl said, Don't rush me. I'm still thinking! Then she looked at her friends and said, Oh no! Whut have you dun to them? I thinks they've got... Disco Fever!
The Doormoose laughed and said bwahahaha! They are mine now! Mine mine mine!
Beryl said, Oh yeah, Great Doofusmoose? I don't thinks so!
Then she...
.. know the secret.!You do? blushed the Doormoose, looking away and chewing nervously at his hoof. I didn't think anyone else knew there WAS a secret.
Well, Beryl improvised quickly, I don't think anyone else does know. It's only because I happen to be psychic and I'm particularly sensitive to the atmosphere around you, handsome.
Handsome? Do you really think I'm handsome? No-one's ever said that about me before. They usually just run away, so I've had to learn how to ensnare them with my singing.
As he spoke, he moved towards Beryl, who was by now regretting not thinking a little more before she spoke.
Oh, you're very good-looking she gushed, sidling away but unfortunately, she couldn't see Sir David lying in her way and as she stumbled, the doormoose reached out and...
... held her in his sinewy, yet muscular and tattooed arms. I've got you, he said.Beryl looked up at the Doormoose, and as her whiskey-brown eyes met his, she shivered, for his eyes were the color of the sea on a stormy winter's morn.
Are you cold, my dear? whispered the Doormoose.
N... no... said Beryl. But, has anybody tolds you that you has the eyes of the color of the seas on a stormy winter's morn?
No, my love. Only you, said The Doormoose. Only you.
Beryl looked at her fellow travelers, who were still caught in the throes of Disco Fever and said, Sorry guys. I gotsta go. I has found my troo luv!
As Beryl and The Doormoose strode off into the sunset, the spell was broken and The Travelers finally came to rest.
Rocky said, Hot damn that was hot!
Diana sighed and said, I'm so jealous right now.
Barry said, ME TOO, BUT WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
Crocky wiped his brow and said, We be havin aplenty cans o Spam.
Yes but, cried Rocky. Beryl has the can openerer!
The can openerer? said Diana.
Yes! said Rocky. The can openerer! I speak Beryl! And how are we supposed to eat without a can openerer?!
You're right, said Diana. We must get Beryl back!
So...
...Nosey chimed in (as he hadn't been allowed to say anything for a little while)."Oi, squawkers," he said, addressing the parrots politely, "can you play 'Doormoose-ish" on those pipes of yours?"
"Squawk! You hum it and I'll play it," replied Gusto.
"Nah, I mean can you make yourself SOUND like a doormoose?"
"Listen," screeched Gusto, "I'm a macaw. I can imitate any voice or creature's noise."
"Then rustle up the mating call of the lesser spotted, hump-backed green-gilled doormoose - or whatever it's called," suggested Nosey. "That ought to bring him back here with Beryl and her can openerer."
The 4 parrots looked at each other. "You know what to do," said Gusto. Putting their reed pipes to their beaks, they piped down and with a mix of sucking and blowing, they created the most horrendous noise.
"STREWTH!" exclaimed Baz. "HAS THAT WORKED?"
"Well, don't look now," replied Desmond, "but...
... here comes Beryl and The Doormoose.Hay! shouted Beryl. Are yous trying to ruin my romantical moment?!
No, said Diana. But would you mind leaving the can opener?
The wot? said Beryl.
Er... said Diana. The canopenererer?
Does the woman speek Engelish? asked Beryl.
Mackey, Gusto, Squawky, and Marco shouted, Gonna starve! Gonna starve!
Yes yes, said Des. We're all going to starve. And die. We get it.
Well I never! shouted the parrots. (except it sounded like berrrrock bwrrrock brrrrock, because nobody spoke parrot).
Beryl said, Fine! And she threw the can opener at the Travelers. Suddenly, as the can opener left her hand, the spell was broken. She looked at the Doormoose, who now resembled a troll with eyes the color of something the dog buried, dug up, and buried again, because it was too disgusting even for a dog.
You foolered me! shouted Beryl at the Doormoose. You is not the man of my dreems!
Well, shrugged the Doormoose. Nobody's perfect.
And then...
...Sir D shouted, "Cut! That's a wrap!"
As if by magic several figures stepped out of the cave's shadows. They were dressed in cave-shadow coloured camouflage and carrying cameras and other equipment.
They marched up to Sir David and stood to attention, awaiting orders.
"That'll do for the first episode of the series", he proclaimed, "Get that edited up and send it to the BBC. Then we'll start on episode 2".
Most of the team backed into the shadow once more but two of them marched out and headed back to camp, only pausing to hand their leader a flask of tea and a picnic-hamper.
Barry looked enviously at Sir D's fresh supplies and said "...
... I wish we all had a constant supply of our favourite food whenever we wanted it.""Granted", mumbled The Great Bezos who was once again acting as a sofa for several of the party.
At that moment there was a sound that can only be described as like this, and an old brick outhouse appeared in the cave.
The door swung open and a woman, who appeared to be sitting on an ancient Victorian commode hailed them.
"You called?" she said cheerily, "I'm the Doctor - Doctor Whom. How can I help?"
"ERM, I'M NOT SURE" said Barry, "I WISHED FOR GROCERIES."
"Not a problem", was the reply, "All of you step inside."
"Well", said Beryl, "Firstly that would be rather embarrassing since you're sitting on the loo and secondly there is no way we could all fit into a brick outhouse of that size."
"Don't worry" said the Doctor, "This is the Target - my time-and-space travelling vessel. I'm sitting on the chair from which I control it and there's a lot more room than you think."
Doubtfully Beryl stepped forward.
"WHY IS IT CALLED THE TARGET?" asked Bazza.
"Oh, that's because wherever I land, it somehow manages to look completely out of place and the locals are always taking pot-shots at it. Also I have a collection-point for Target groceries in here."
"IN THAT CASE" said Barry, "I'M IN!"
The members of the party filed in one by one.
"Wow!" exclaimed ...
...one of the cameramen, stepping from the shadows once again. "I just had the best shot ever of your Target materialising, and the bliddy battery in my camera ran out of charge. Er, Doc, don't suppose you've got a power source I can charge my battery from, have you?"Dr Whom looked at the chap and said...
... "I have no idea. I'm a doctor of medicine not electrical engineering.""You mean you travel around in time and space ", said Beryl, "and you don't know anything about technology?"
"Do you drive?" said the Doctor.
"Yes" said Beryl "I drive my ASDA delivery van - that's if I still have a job."
"You can drive it but could you hack into its electrical circuit to charge your phone?"
"Well" said Beryl "...
...I used to just plug my USB phone charger into a plug that fitted into the cigarette lighter, but that was months ago now. However, if you were to ask me to hot-wire the delivery van if I'd lost my keys, that'd be a different matter. Do you ever have to hot-wire your Target, Doctor? Oh, and while you're answering that, I wonder if you could take a look at my back?"The doctor rolled her eyes and said...
... I'm sorry but there is no cigarette lighter in my Target, thank you very much. Anyone who wants to smoke will have to step outside and that could be tricky when we're travelling through time and space.""I don't smoke either" said Beryl placatingly.
"Then why do you have a cigarette lighter in your van?"
Beryl sighed and tried to explain but the Doctor was too busy examining her back to take much notice.
Finally the Doctor stood up,"You can put your top back on. I can see what the problem is. It's ...
... a mild case of Jungle Rot.The Travelers said... eeewww!
Dr Whom said, Just apply this lotion made out of anti-junglerot leaves twice a day, and you'll be fine.
Thanks Doc, said Beryl. By the way, are you any relations to Dr Who?
Do not mention his name! screamed Dr Whom. He's my lousy goodfornothing ex-husband! It was I who worked my fingers to the bone to put him through Time Lord University! It was I who spent hours working on the time/space continuum, while he was out drinking with his extraterrestrial nobcocks! And it was I who got screwed in the divorce, while he got the Tardis and all I got was this stinking Target! And it doesn't even have a cigarette lighter!!!
Sorrreee, said Beryl. But, may I just say, you have very loverly hair.
And other thing! shouted Dr Whom. I... what? You like my hair? Well, she blushed, it is one of my best features. I have it done every week at the Intergalactical Time/Space Station and Hair Salon.
Werth it! said Beryl.
Alright then, Travelers, said a beaming Dr Whom. Let's get this brick shi... er... loo on the road! Who's got jumper cables?
I DO! said ...
Barry enthusiastically, "THEY'RE ON MY CABLE KNIT JUMPER THAT MY MUM MADE ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY!"Doctor Whom whipped out a balloon, inflated it, and vigorously started rubbing it on Barry's jumper.
"That should give us enough static electricity to fire up the engines", she said.
Then, applying the balloon to a brass knob on a chain hanging down from above her seat, she pulled the chain and ...
.. a deluge of water landed in a bucket balanced on the end of a beam, tipping the beam and projecting the heavy ball balanced on the other end at a glass panel suspended in midair, with no visible means of support. The glass swung wildly, tipping end over end, so that the light from a small candle on a shelf was reflected and refracted onto a button on the control panel causing it to depress. A loud humming noise began and the floor beneath vibrated in time to the...
... the beat of the futuristic hit song, Yankee Doodle Dandy, sung by Frankie and The Plungers at the renowned intergalactical stadium, The Toilet Bowl.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UeHR...
Well, said Diana, as she waved her hand in front of her face. That was certainly an interesting take-off.
I'th agreeb, said Des, holding his nose.
That was great! said Rocky. It reminds me of home!
SO, said Barry, wiping tears from his eyes. WHERE ARE WE GOING?
Dr Whom said, Hold on to your seats, Travelers! We're off to see the...
... Pissard, the Plungerfull Pissard of Bog.""Really?" said Diana doubtfully, "Who or what is that?"
"Oh, Bog is the name of a planet, I've always wanted to go there, but we can discuss that later. In the meantime go and choose your bedrooms, there are plenty to spare - just make your way up the stairs over there." She waved her hand airily.
The explorers traipsed off remarking how similar the inside of the Target was to ...
... their home planet of Alderaan.Wait a minute! said Princess Diana, as she wound her braids around and around her ears so they resembled hair-muffs. We're not from Alderaan. That planet was destroyed by Garth Vader and the Guest Star in the battle of good vs evil. We're from... hmmm... where are we from? And how do I know that AreTwoMetoo and CPA are our only hope?
Aye, said Crocky. These doona be the droids you be lookin for. Move alon'. Wha?...
Rocky said, Uh oh. I think we've been sucked into the time/space continuum of Star Wars!
MAY THE FARCE BE WITH YOU! said Barry.
Chewtobbaco said, grrr... grunt... grrr... grunt grunt... grrr!
Whose the man in the furry coat? asked Beryl. And wot did he say?!
Squawky, Gusto, Mackey, and Marco said, Gonna fry! Gonna fry!
Francis said, I don't think we're up the Amazon anymore.
Dr Whom sat on her throne, laughed and said...
...When will people realise that, when you make a wish and it comes true, there is always a catch. Has no one learned from reading fairy stories?"Meanwhile everyone had trooped up the stairs in search of their rooms.
"THIS PLACE IS WEIRD" said Barry "FIRST OF ALL IT WAS ALL TILED LIKE THE INSIDE OF A PUBLIC LAVATORY. THEN IT WAS ALL SCI-FI LOOKING. NOW WE'VE GOT TO THE BEDROOMS, IT LOOKS A LOT LIKE FAWLTY TOWERS"
"I don't care" said Sir David "I'm an old man and I need some rest "I bags room number 92. I'll be able to remember that because of my age" and he set off down the hallway.
Bazza chose the nearest room and threw his belongings on the bed.
"I'M OFF TO THE TARGET GROCERIES OUTLET", he proclaimed.
Desmond looked a little worried.
"Don't you think ...
...we should all strap ourselves in for what could be a bumpy ride across space? I think we might get asteroids.""DON'T WORRY," Baz replied, "WHILE I'M IN THE MEDICINES SECTION, I'LL LOOK FOR SOME SUITABLE CREAM TO TREAT THAT."
Desmond sighed, and chose a room with a cross on the door in which to lay his weary head.
"Feel free to choose whichever room takes your fancy..." advised Dr Whom. Desmond closed his door behind him, and the Doctor added "... except for the one with a cross on the door - under no circumstances should you take that room."
"Why?" asked Rocky, having seen Desmond disappear inside.
"Gonna say bye-bye, gonna say bye-bye," squawked Squawky.
"Well," replied Dr Whom, "it's where...
... we keep the props from the old series, you know, stuff like the cyphermen and the sweeping angels and the lardeks. They are only puppets but it tends to give people nightmares when they try to sleep in there, especially when we pass through a space anomaly that powers up their batteries. It can be quite disconcerting when the sweeping angels start trying to clean up the grease stains left by the lardeks and the writing on the walls where the cyphermen are working on their codes.As she finished speaking, there was a howl of anguish from the room with a cross and...
...there followed a monotonous, metallic cry of: "Ex-comm-un-i-cate! Ex-comm-un-i-cate!""No... you mustn't... my work is as yet unfinished, and I'm not ready to meet my maker!" cried Desmond.
"Nor-am-I, nor-am-I," was the reply.
"Oh, dear," said Francis, in a worried tone. "Do you think we ought to intervene?" he asked the remaining members of the group yet to find a room (which mainly consisted of parrots, a crocodile and airsick ladies.
"Well," replied Diana, in between heaving into a bucket, "I reckon...
... we should go save Desmond. And by we, I mean Crocky.Why shood I be goin! said Crocky.
Because, said Diana as she hugged her bucket, you're the strongest one here and can break down that door. BLARF!
I... I can do it, said a green-faced Beryl. I'm the strong... stron... str...
BLARF! Never mind.
Barry said, I WILL SAVE HIM. I'LL JUST KNOCK ON THE DOOR FIRST, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO INTRUDE.
Diana said, Are you crazy? Des is stuck behind the door with the X on it, and may be being tortured as we speak, and you want to be polite? BLARF.
WELL, said Barry. I... BLARF... SUDDENLY DON'T FEEL WELL.
Weel that be jus fine, said Crocky. I guess I be goin in. He knocked on the door, and a mechanical voice said, Who IS it?
Tis I, said Crocky. We be wantin our fellow traveler back if ye don mind.
Oh I mind, I mind, said the Voice. Why don't you come in here and get him?
Crocky said, Aye, weel...
...ah might wait until we reach oorbit aroond Bog, as it's a wee bit unsteady under foot. Just ye mind whit ye do wi' oor Desmond, ye ken.""No-body tells the lar-deks what to do! Come in here and try giving your ul-ti-ma-tumzzz!"
"Tums! Now that's whit Diana, Beryl and Baz need to settle their oop-chuckin'. Hiv ye got any, hen?"
"We have no need to con-sume poul-try. On-ly weak, fee-ble hu-mans have need of or-gan-ic sus-ten-ance to en-sure their sur-vi-val!"
"Weel, we've survived on a lot less than that over the past few months - and not all of us are humans, my friend."
"Friend? I do not un-der-stand this con-cept. Ex-plain your-self."
"A friend is somebody ye care aboot, b'foor ye'sen."
"Lar-deks care for no oth-er life-forms. Lar-deks are su-preme be-ings."
"Och, away wi' ye. Ye're just selfish sassenachs."
"Sass-en-ach? Sass-en-ach? What is this word? I can-not com-pute. I will ex-com-mun-i-cate!!! Come here, I wish to sell-fish!"
"Och, ye're blowin' a fuse, hen. Why don't ye...
... tak' the high road an' I'll tak' the low road and I'll be in the Bog lands afore ye.""Bog lands? Bog lands? We can't e-ven do stairs or deep pile car-pets" spluttered the lardek, "Surely, y-ou've got to be jo-king."
"I'm no' joking and dinnae call me Shirley." said Crocky indignantly.
Meanwhile ...
... couple of sacks of potatoes and onions and then get peeling. These pies won't bake themselves!""Oh but Ma," whined Johnny, "I'm just getting ready to...
...keelhaul one of our waylaid travellers. Preferably one with a bit of meat on them. Although, ah sure would like to know why you insist on imprisoning everybody who happens to stumble on our hard-to-find Travelodge. I wouldn't mind, but it's always me what has to clear away the evidence after you've tried out your vittals on 'em.""I do it for a good reason, Johnny - it helps freshen up the story with a load of new characters, especially as the last lot have left Planet Earth for a spell. Now, stop questioning yer ma's motives, and go get that thar plump Merchant Banker from out o' their room. Then, if youse a real good boy, I might let ya play with that purdy young vixen, some."
"Ya mean the one with the red hair, ma? An' the pointy features? Can I, ma - huh? Can I?"
"If youse lets 'em escape through the air conditioning duct, this time, Johnny, I'll whup yer hide."
"Aw, ma. That weren't my fault none -"
"Hush your mouth, Johnny. Can yuh hear that there noise a-comin' from the guest rooms? What in dangnation is it?"
"Why, ma, it sounds like...
... a revertibration.A what? asked Flo.
A revertibration, said Johnny. You know, sumthing that causes molecular particulars to vibrate. Again.
Oh, said Flo. Those revertibrations. But wot do it mean?
It means, said Johnny, that our laywaid Traveler is trying to ascape! Then he ran into room 666 and tackled the dresser.
Des tossed Johnny aside, shook himself off, ran a hand through his disheveled red hair and said, Where the hell am I?!
Welcome to Travelodge Orinco, said Flo. I be the proprietoressness, and this be my son and general mangier, Johnny.
Well hell! said Des. I'm supposed to be in the Land of Bog with the rest of my fellow Travelers.
Let's see, said Flo as she flipped through her Reservashuns Log. It seems you be booked for the 2 week Honeymoon/ Commando Package with your wife Beryl on Februaries 14, 2020.
Nooooooo! cried Desmond. Then he...
... realised he must be in some sort of time loop.Nooooooo! he cried again, I was last here in message 71 with my much smaller party of companions. What's going on?
In any case, he said, I'm married to my lovely wife Nomalizo Leah and as a religious man I wouldn't dream of committing bigamy.
Back at her control panel, Dr Whom chuckled contentedly to herself.
They don't know about my super realistic holodeck, she chortled, wiping her ...
... tears of laughter from her face. Silly boy, she said. Don't you know we've moved on?(Meanwhile, Nomalizo Leah was back in 2018 winding beads around her swan-like neck while baring her breasts and dancing in the New Orleans/Bead Tossing/1/2 Nekkid/Breast Baring, Dance Like Nobody's Looking Mardi Gras).
Somewhere in the Land of Bog, Sir David suddenly awoke and said, Where is my camera?! My Knightship for a camera!
And then...
... a voice straight from the era of 'Brief Encounter' declared in ringing tones,"We are not amused! We do not confer Knightships at random. They are our graciously bestowed recognition of worth and, clearly, anyone who would exchange one for a camera is undeserving of the honour. Bring me my sword!"
"Oh, but your Queen-ness," begged Sir David, "I must record your Majesty's...
... proclamations. And by the way, said Sir David, I've already been beknighted so :)~Well that's mature, said Dr Whom. Now, let's get back to The Tardis.
Sorry, your Magestical One, said Whom's lawyer, but you lost The Tardis in the divorce, and are now commanding The Target.
Sonofabeast! said Dr Whom. Fine. Let's see what's happening with the Travelers.
Barry said, I DON'T THINK WE'RE UP THE AMAZON ANYMORE.
Diana said, Yes Barry. WE KNOW WE'RE NOT UP THE AMAZON ANYMORE! Do you have anything else to add, like how we're going to get Des back?!
Crocky frowned and said, Ye doona got to be a mean beeach, Diana.
Sorry Barry, said Diana. I really need a non-fat, non-dairy, non-decaf, Mochaccino Grande with extra whipped cream, caramel topping, and chocolate sprinkles. A princess has to watch her figure, you know.
I-can-get-that-for-you, said the Lar-Dek. All you have to do is...
... dreamAnd he broke into song.
I can make you mine
Taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is
Gee whiz
I'm dreamin' my life away
HEY, said Barry, YOU'VE LOST YOUR FUNNY VOICE.
It's - not - that, said the Lar-Dek, I've - got - a- CD - player - here - is my chestal area.
That's a bit old-fashioned, said Frances. Haven't you got wi-fi or something?
We-ell ...
.. not-really, said the Lar-Dek. On-my-home-planet-of-Bog, we- have- fiwi. What's fiwi? asked Frances.
Well-said the Lar-Dek. It's-like-wifi, but-in-reverse. We-can-call-out, but-no-one-can-call-back.
Bummer, said Crocky. How do yee be talkin to another?
I knows! shouted Beryl. I bet they use Moose Code! I shall send the Lar-Dek a massage... dot-dot-dash-dot-dot-dash!
The Lar-Dek blushed and said, You-rock-girl!
And-then...
... they landed with a thump on the planet Bog.There were splashing noises and curses from the control-room and everyone staggered or fell to the floor.
"Looks like we're here folks", shouted Dr Whom, wiping away the water that was streaming from her hair and onto her face. "Anyone want to take a look outside?"
The adventurers ...
...moved to the Target door."Oh, before you open it, I think I ought to warn you about the atmosphere..." Rocky pulled the door open and took a great big inhalation.
"Iloveapartywithanatmosphere," he babbled in one, long and high-pitched, continuous tone - then he chuckled.
"It has a high content of nitrous oxide mixed in with the oxygen," Dr Whom explained. "I suggest you don't spend too long outside."
"Och, hootsmon, theresamooselooseabootthishoose," giggled Crocky.
"YUHSOUNDLIKEAHIGHPITCHEDGREMLIN, CROCKY," chortled Baz.
"Well, ifweregoingout, letsdoit,"babbled Beryl, breathing in the sweet air.
"Gonnagethigh, gonnagethigh!" squawked Gusto.
"I did warn you," Dr Whom said.
"Oh, yourenofun," Francis replied, "whydontyou...
...breeeaaathe, heehawheehawheehaw.""Been here, read the book, worn the crop top and bought the sonic socket wrench," replied Dr Whom. "I'm not breathing in any of that mixture again, don't want it upsetting my 4 lungs and 3 stomachs."
"Makesyousoundlikeacow!" giggled Beryl.
"Mooooovealongthere, andletusoot," snapped Crocky.
"Don't wander over that hill," warned the Doctor.
"OH, ANDWHYONEARTHNOT?" asked Baz.
"Because," said Dr Whom, "...
... that's where the Pissard, the Plungerfull Pissard of Bog lives, and although we've come here with the express purpose of meeting him, you really ...
...will feel flushed if you stumble upon him unannounced.""YOUPULLINGOURCHAIN, DOC?" Baz asked.
"No," came the reply, "but what I am doing is...
... trying to wipe away any illusions you have about ...
... his generous and beneficent attitude towards those who trespass on his time. He doesn't care to have his drinking time reduced by having to deal with the trivial problems of...
... people who don't have enough sense not to carry on up the Amazon, get stuck in a time-travel machine with a bitter divorcee (damn that froot-looping ex-husband of mine!) and lose one of their friends in a time-space continuum.Well, said Frances, trying to look on the bright side. It could happen to anybody. :)
Actually, said Sir David. Based on my last award-winning documentary, the odds of that happening are a gazillion to ...
Who cares! shouted Diana. We must get Des back. She turned to the Lar-Dek and said, How do we do that?
Well- said-the Lar-Dek. All-you-have-to-do-is...
I swears, said Beryl. Iffin you don't stop with the hyphenas, I will kills you meself.
Ahem, said the LarDek, as he cleared his throat. All you have to do is to ask The Pissard of Bog for a favor and he will grant your wish. For a price.
Aye, said Crocky. Aboot wha may be that prizzy ta be?
Huh? asked the LarDek.
Barry said, HE SAID, ABOOT WHA MAY BE THAT PRIZZY TA BE.
Oh, said The LarDek. Thanks for yelling. Otherwise, I would never have understood him.
YOU'RE WELCOME, said Barry.
Okay then, said the LarDek. All you have to do is say his name out loud 3 times, while looking into a mirror, standing on one foot, and sing God Save the Queen during a 3/4 moon. And then...
... he'll be laughing so hard when you fall over that your friends will be able to...
..tie him up and make him ...""Stop!", came a gentle yet commanding voice from nearby. "There will be no violence here."
Everyone turned round and there were gasps of astonishment. Desmond Tutu stood there. Instead of his normal purple robe, he was clothed all in white and there seemed to be a glowing aura around him.
"DES!" shouted Barry, even louder than usual. "YOU'RE BACK. HOW THE DEV..., HOW DID YOU ESCAPE?"
"By the power of prayer" came the serene reply and Desmond held his now-glowing Bible aloft. His Mitre floated into the air to reveal a ring of light encircling his head.
"My G ..., My Goodness" said Beryl. "What has happened to you?"
"Let me explain", was the reply, "It's like this ...
...one of the qualities of the room with an 'X' is that it contains an unshielded atomic reactor and anyone who is exposed to the stream of radiation is turned into an extreme form of their real selves. So, the LarDeks are...
...a soulless, genetically mutated race first conceived by Ravdos, the half Lar-dek, half dustbin. It is recorded in The Old Temperament of Bog that Ravdos was turned to the Dark Side by something particularly nasty that had been placed in the Ravdos dustbin.""Ohyes?" gabbled Diana, giggling from the effects of the nitrous oxide in the atmosphere. "Andwhatwouldthathavebeen, then?"
"Well," replied Desmond, "it was...
... the Revelation of Ravdos. According to the The Old Temperament, a man called LarDek was created by The Pissard of Bog. LarDek was lonely, so the Pissard created a female companion whom he named LarDekia, and set them both in The Garden of Bogden. He only asked for one thing... never mix your trash with the recyclables. For many centuries, LarDek and LarDekia were very happy.One day, the happy couple came across a door with a big X on it. I wonder what's in there? asked LarDekia.
Who cares? said LarDek. We've got everything we need right here.
Yes but, said LarDekia, I've got to know! Then she swung open the door, looked around in amazement, got hit by a blast of radiation, sneezed, blew her nose, and in her excitement, dropped the tissue on the floor.
Blasphemy! cried a voice from beyond. Ye shall be cast out of The Garden of Bogden!
But why? cried LarDek.
Littering! said The Voice. Your wife has broken the cardinal rule of not tossing her trash into the dustbin. From now on, your race will be known as the Ravdos, 1/2 LarDek 1/2 Dustbin, and will spend the rest of eternity trying to figure out what is recyclable and what is not!
Nooooooo! cried The LarDeks, as they were unceremoniously tossed out on their asterisks.
So, said Desmond Tutu to The Travelers, as he swished his white robes with a golden halo glowing over his head and a glazed look in his eyes. Have you come to join our fold?
Beryl snickered, poked Crocky with her elbow and said, Did you know him's last name is Tootoo?
Crocky was too busy laughing to answer.
And then...
...some crackly music came forth from the console of the Target. before Dr Whom could turn it off, a voice started to sing..."What's that coming over the hill -
Is it a monster, is it a monster?"
All traveller eyes immediately turned to the nearby hill to see who, exactly, WAS coming over the hill. And, as they gazed expectantly, over the hill came...
"What the f-four horsemen of the apocalypse!" exclaimed Desmond. "I thought you had wished yourself home!"
"So did I," replied Francis. "I was just having my oats when there was a great whooshing sound, and I was back here again. I'll bet Daisy the donkey was surprised."
"But... how?" asked Des.
"Erm, I guess that was down to me," replied an apologetic Rocky. "I was missing my ol' buddy, so I wished he was back here again."
"BUT, I THOUGHT WE HAD USED UP ALL OF OUR WISHES," said an even more puzzled Baz.
"No, they were just delayed by the looks of it, because of Bezos's altercation with Diana," explained Beryl. "Look," she added pointing at the 4 parrots. Mackey, Gusto, Squawky and Marco had snapped off large reeds growing at the side of the waterfall, had set about nibbling a series of holes in them with their strong beaks, and were all engaged in trying to blow down the tops, whilst twisting their feathers against the holes they had created in an attempt to get tunes from them.
"Stone the ruddy crows," exclaimed Crocky. "I hiv nae seen the like afore. Can ye play 'The Bonny Bonny Banks of Loch Lomond foor me?"
"Life's rosy, life's rosy!" squawked Mackey, removing the reed pipe from his beak.
"YOU'VE CHANGED YOUR TUNE," said Baz. "HOW ABOUT CHANGING IT AGAIN TO DISTRACT THE AMOROUS ATTENTIONS OF THE GREAT DOORMOOSE?"
"Any requests? Any requests?" screeched Gusto. Rocky thought for a moment, and said,
"How about...