Amazon exiles discussion
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Carry On up the Amazon
...shake that wicked-looking tail of his.""DUCK!" whispered Baz.
"Where?" asked Desmond. "Anybody got any orange sauce to go with ye-owch!" A broadside of sharp quills lanced the seat of his corduroy trousers.
"Oo, I'll bet that smarts," said Beryl.
"Och, it's noo too smart, really," replied Crocky. "I dinna mind pullin' them oot, but jings! ah ain't after sucking oot the poison!"
King Quillian bristled and shouted at his daughter, Princess Porcupinella: "If you insist on cuckolding Prince Prickly, what do I do with your dowry?"
"But we are merely betrothed, and our union has yet to be consummated, so he is no cuckold."
"Cuckold, cuckold, cuckold," squawked Gusto. "It's 3 o'clock!"
"Dowry?" asked Rocky, suddenly very interested. "What dowry?"
"Why, the dowry Prince Prickly and his father, King Quick-prick II, demanded. It's a...
... way to bribe... er... to encourage a Prince to marry. Rocky held his head high and said, Tell Prince Prickly and his father King QuickPrick II he can keep the dowry. All I want is my true love, Princess Porcupinella!
Just out of curiosity, asked Des as Crocky continued to pull out the quills from his corduroys, what does this dowry consist of?
The King of Quillian puffed out his chest and said, Why, it's the most succulent of foodstuffs from my kingdom! We have 12 deep-fried drumsticks, 11 piping-hot fruit pies, 10 lo-mien lizards, 9 cans of Spam, 8 mocha milkshakes, 7 swans in sauces, 6 geese au gratin, 5 golden onion rings, 4 squawking birds (Mackey and Gusto said, hide!) 3 french-fried hens, 2 turtle soups, and a partridge family stuffed with some brie. And we will share the feast with all who attend the wedding. However, if she marries a lowly raccoon with no title and no kingdom of his own, the dowry is forfeit.
The Travelers, who hadn't had a decent meal in months, looked at the Princess and said, Get her!
Then Rocky shouted...
..."STOP! Don't take one step towards my sweetheart - unless you can all SING the dowry, without making one error."Baz, whose stomach was rumbling, looked at the group who had all risen to their feet (or paws/hooves) and started to sing...
"On the thirteenth day of Sept'er, the Quillians brought to me..."
The rest took in deep lungsful of air and sang:
"12 deep-fried drumsticks,
11 piping-hot fruit pies,
10 lo-mien lizards,
9 cans of Spam,
8 mocha milkshakes,
7 swans in sauces,
6 geese au gratin,
5 golden onion rings."
Rocky was getting worried. He certainly hadn't anticipated what hungry bellies could do for the memory. The travellers continued:
"4 squawking birds,
3 french-fried hens,
2 turtle soups, and..."
... and The Partridge Family in a pear tree.Ha! cried Rocky. It's not The Partridge Family in a pear tree, a popular American sitcom from the 70's starring Shirley Jones and David Cassidy. It's a partridge family stuffed with some brie!
Oooh, said Beryl, that Keith Partridge wuz soooo hot!
That's true, said Sir David. I once filmed an award-winning documentary about popular American sitcoms from the 70's and...
Who cares? said Rocky. The dowry of fabulous foodstuffs is forfeit, and Princess Porcupinella is mine mine all mine!
The Princess batted her tail at Rocky and said, Yes snookums, I am yours and you are mine! Now, what's for dinner?
Rocky said, Anything you wish, my little kumquat. I have a lovely assortment of nuts, twigs, and berries that I gathered just for you!
And then, as the King and Queen of Quillian's carriage rolled up the hill, Princess Porcupinella gathered up her skirts, ran after them, and shouted... Daddy! Wait for meee!
The Travellers looked at the broken-hearted raccoon and said...
...winsome, lose some," in unison."It's nae all bad," suggested Crocky. "they've left the 9 cans of spam behind, ye ken - and the 5 golden onion rings."
"BUT THE CANS ARE SEALED," Baz advised, loudly. "WHAT USE ARE THEY?"
"Damn the Spam, Damn the Spam," squawked Mackey.
"In a jam, we're in a jam," added Gusto with gusto. Beryl, however, held aloft something attached to a piece of cardboard packaging.
"What's that?" asked Diana, who hadn't spoken for some considerable time.
"Supermarkets have their uses at times," Beryl replied. "It's part of a customer's order I haven't delivered yet."
"Well, stone me... sorry, I mean, Bless me," exclaimed Desmond. "If it isn't a can opener!"
"Saved!" yelled Francis the mule. "I can use the empty cans to collect water from the river!"
"WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE ONION RINGS?" Baz asked. "WHAT WE GONNA DO WITH THEM?"
"Easy," Diana replied. "Why don't we...
...play hoop-la? It'll help while away the time and will allow Beryl to open the Spam.""Oi! Why does it have to be me?" the woman exclaimed, objecting to the task. "Why can't I Hoop-la oo-la-la, as well?"
"I'll open the cans," Crocky offered. "Chuck 'em between ma teeth, hen."
"Er, no, I don't think so," replied Desmond. "Not if we've got a can opener. All we need now is a can OPENER."
"OK, I'LL DO IT," Baz offered.
"Capital," replied Diana.
"YES, I KNOW. I CAN'T STOP WITH THE CAPITALS, I'M AFRAID."
"So, who's going to provide the pole for us to throw the onion rings over?" Diana asked. The group looked at each other, waiting for a volunteer.
"Can I make a suggestion?" asked Rocky the raccoon.
"Fire away," replied Diana.
"Well,...
.... well, said Rocky, as he folded his paws behind his back, strode up to the podium and said...My heart may be broken
But t'was just a token
Of true love
Though somewhat frayed
For my soul was awakened
But she ditched me for bacon
And I feel
Oh so betrayed
Princess Diana sighed and said, Oh how sweet.
Beryl said, Where the hellaciousness did he get that podiatrum?
Des said, Does anybody have a can-opener or a hula-hoop?
Barry said, NO BUT, WE DO HAVE 5 GOLDEN ONION RINGS.
Aye, said Crocky. But there be 6 of us, so who be asharing?
The Travellers all glared at each other and...
...Beryl reminded them that she DID have a brand new can opener, still attached to its backing card."Anybody fancy some Spam?" she asked.
"Aye - keep yer golden onion rings, hen, and get the Spam fritters a bubblin'!" said Crocky.
"He-haw, he-haw, he-ought to cook 'em himself," suggested Francis. "Hurry up, and bung me the empty tin."
"ERM, WHAT DOES THIS CODE MEAN THAT'S PRINTED ON THE SPAM TINS?" asked Baz. "IT SAYS 24.10.03."
"Oops," replied Beryl, "I reckon that means...
... it's probably for blowing bubbles - you know - a free gift", surmised Des. "Now where's that can-opener?""Where are you off to Sir D?" enquired Diana, noticing that he was making his way into the jungle. "Aren't you hungry?"
"Oh, call of nature you know" murmured Attenborough.
"Shall we keep some for you?" enquired Beryl solicitously.
Sir David however didn't reply, they could hear his voice trailing off into the distance. "Talking about calls of nature, why, I remember the time when sloths invaded the latrines when I was exploring ..."
It's funny, said a concerned Beryl, but I haven't seen Sir D actually eat anything since I don't know when - I hope he's all right.
........................
Meanwhile Sir David had made his way some distance into the jungle. Soon he arrived at a clearing where several tents were pitched. There were men and women sitting around doing various tasks. All of them were wearing camouflage suits that blended perfectly with the jungle.
"Hello, my lovely camera crew!" he hailed them. "Can someone make me a sandwich? I'm starving and I'm not touching any of that spam they're proposing to eat back there."
"Even better", replied a man who was holding something over a fire with a stick. "We've just made a supermarket run and we're about to have roast chicken."
Someone else took Sir David's camera to recharge the batteries.
"Are they onto us yet?" she enquired.
"Oh no" replied Sir David, "Whenever I think they might be starting to cotton on, I simply start telling the most boring story I can think of and they forget I'm even there."
"Now", he continued, "have you got any good footage? I'd like to have a look."
"Well ...
Well, said Sir David's cameraman. I have some great footage of Rocky running after Princess Porcupinella's carriage, throwing nuts, twigs, and berries shouting, I broke up with you first!And then there's an hour and 30 minutes of Beryl trying to separate a can-opener from it's packaging.
And Princess Diana tying to hula hoop, even though she doesn't have any hips and really should eat something because of that whole no-hip thing.
There are two parrots who keep squawking at everybody saying "Gonna die Gonna die!" but they all seem to ignore them.
There's a guy called Crocky who appears to be 1/2 crocodile/half Scottish, as he's always saying things like, Aye, Nay, and Ye.
There's a man called Des, short for Desmond, who wishes he never agreed to a trip up the Amazon in the first place and can't wait to get home and back to his job as the assistant to the assistant to the assistant manager of Cosco, where his main job is to align shopping carts.
And some guy called Barry who ALWAYS TALKS IN CAPITAL LETTERS, due to a misadventure in a bat cave.
Excellent! said Sir David. Keep filming, because I know this is going to be another one of my many award-winning docu...
Cut! cried Sir David's camera man.
And then Frances said...
... and then Frances said, Okay everybody. Breaktime is over and we must continue our journey up the Amazon. Where is Sir David?He had to alleviated hisself, said Beryl.
Ah, said Frances. Let's get started and he can catch up.
Hmmm... said Crocky. Dinnae anybody ken that Sir David betakes a lot o' breaks to alleviate himself?
That does seem odd, said Diana. One of us should follow him into the forest the next time he goes, to see what's amiss.
I DON'T THINK HE MISSES A LOT, said Barry. I'M SURE HE'S HAD A LOT OF PRACTICE ALLEVIATING HIMSELF, BEING AN OLDER GENTLEMAN AND ALL.
I agree! said Nosey.
Who the the hell are you? demanded Des.
Nosey bowed and said, I am Nosey, the 8th cousin twice removed from the 7 dwarfs from a few pages back that were unceremoniously dumped over the mountain and written out of the story rather quickly I must say. I was late because I was eavesdrop... er... inadvertently heard your conversation and came to (bowing again) offer you my services. Wait a minute! I just heard a far off crinkly sound and a sigh of happiness.
Beryl beamed as she held up her prize and said, I finally got the cans opaner outta its packaging!
HURRAY! cried Barry.
So, said Nosey. Would you like to see what Sir David is up to?
The Travelers all nodded, and one by one quietly followed Nosey into the forest. And lo and behold!...
in a clearing, Sir David sat on a chair with his name on it, surrounded by a group consisting of a cameraman, a sound woman, a cook, a driver, a general dogsbody and a make up man who was trying to powder the great man's nose while he chewed thoughtfully on a chicken leg, commenting between swallows on the new footage."You know," he remarked, "this reminds me of an occasion..." but he was destined not to finish, as the half-starved Amazon gang burst into the clearing, grabbing wildly at the chicken and shouting in fury at the astonished documentary makers who...
... stood with mouths agape at the carnage.Princess Diana wrestled a broiled chicken leg from Des growling... Mine!
Beryl tackled Crocky while he tried to take a bite out of a succulent pan-seared salmon.
Frances kicked Barry in the arse when he bent over and stuck his face into a bowl of tropical fruit salad. Barry said, OW!
Squawky and Gusto pecked at Rocky's head as they fought over a pile of nuts, twigs, and berries.
Enough! shouted Nosey. I don't mean to stick my nose in anybody's business, but isn't there enough for everybody?
Y... yes, stuttered Sir David. I would never deprive anybody of a well-rounded meal. You know, I once cooked for the entire...
Shut it! said Diana as she gnawed on a chicken bone. You let us starve while you were having a feast!
Yeth, said Beryl around a mouthful of salmon. Wuff sheeth thaid!
My apologizes, said Sir David, looking slightly embarrassed. I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge and to film award-winning documentaries.
And? said Diana.
Eh, said Sir David. That's pretty much it.
So, with their bellies full and a final glare at Sir David and his crew, The Travellers packed up the leftovers and went on their way. After several miles of trekking though the jungle, they came to a great waterfall and stopped to admire its beauty. When suddenly...
a pallid hand emerged through the water. The fingers were long and spindly and there were only three of them not including the thumb.After a few seconds the index finger started to beckon. Then the hand disappeared.
The explorers looked uncertainly at each other.
"Oo-er" said ...
... Diana. It seems we've been beckoned. Who's going in first?You're the Princess, said Beryl. You go first.
You're the one with the big mouth, said Diana to Beryl. I think you should go first.
Des said, I think Crocky should go first. He's used to getting wet.
Aye, said Crocky. I be used to the swamps. But as me Greatgrandmamacrocky used to say... Alwees avoid the Beast of the 3 Spindly Fingers an One Thumb.
THERE'S SUCH A THING?! gasped Barry.
Nay, wee man, said Crocky. I jest doona like to get me feet wet.
Very well, said Diana. Since I am the Princess (Beryl snorted) I shall go in first. She stuck her head under the waterfall and....
.. the hand reappeared, clutching a shampoo bottle. After squirting a large dollop of pale blue liquid over Diana's hair, the hand massaged vigorously at her head until it disappeared in a cloud of foaming bubbles. Then the hand directed her under the rushing water, rinsing the shampoo away with an altogether gentler and more soothing motion until an awed and dripping Diana gasped out, "That was amazing! I feel as if all the aggravation of the last few days has disappeared! Those fingers are magic. Just lead me to a hairdryer.""I'm next!" shouted Beryl, but just as she rushed forward...
the hand shot out and grabbed Beryl by the hair, dragging her into the torrent where she disappeared from view.Stop! screamed Diana, What are you doing?
There came a cackling laugh,
You had the shampoo, now you have to pay for it, heh, heh, heh!
Then, as an afterthought, the voice said speculatively,
Does anyone want a haircut?
Not me, said ...
... said Beryl, as she fought her way out of the waterfall with her hair dripping over one eye. You won't get your clammy 3 fingers and one thumb on me! But before she could protest any further, Des said, I'm next! Then he thrust his head under the waterfall and sighed in bliss as the magic fingers wove through his hair and massaged his scalp, washing away the worries of the day.
Beryl tried to stop him, but Barry shoved her back. I'M NEXT! he whispered, as the waters swirled around him, lulling him into a sense of contentedness.
Beryl tried to push everybody out of the way, but Rocky beat her to it and said, My turn! Oooohh. My fur has never felt so soft and shiny, as he luxuriated under the foamy goodness of shampoo and conditioner.
Beryl said....Hay! Something is remiss here! Then she looked at her fellow Travellers who seemed to have forgotten who they were and where they were going and said, Uh oh. I think they're under a spellerer!
Then The Beast of the 3 Spindly Fingers and One Thumb began to sing the song of the sirens...
Come to me, my pretties
I shall sing you a song
Of times long past
From whence to anon
Come to me, my lovlies
I shall bathe you in glories
And you shall forget
All of your worries
Come to me, dearest Travellers
Soak your tired feet
You'll forget who you are
With a wash, rinse, and repeat
And then Beryl said, Oh hell no! Then she...
...armed herself with the can opener and dared the massaging spellerer to show themselves. All that came back was:"Come to me, o van driver,
Shelf stacker wond'rously fair.
With me you'll forget all your worries
Your soul you'll wish to bare.
Cease all resistance, it's futile,
Come visit me here in my lair.
Let me bathe away all your anguish,
I'll leave you without e'en a care."
"Not on your ruddy Nelly!" Beryl replied. "And it's pointless your continuing with your wailing - I've got a couple of braked beans plugging my hear-oles, so the effects of your shyrenning are dullened on me. Oi! Diana, put your jungle loin cloth and bralette tunic-y thing back on, love. Don't let those fingers shampoo the rest of...
the clan"But it was too late. With eyes glazed and hands/paws outstretched the others all started towards the waterfall.
Beryl tried to push them back but no sooner had she removed one to a safe distance than the rest had got even nearer to the waterfall.
"It's like that ruddy plate-spinning trick", she grumbled, "It looks easy on telly but it's a lot harder in real life."
In the end she watched in dismay as one-by-one they disappeared through the shimmering curtain of water. She had managed to secure Rocky under one arm and had a toe on Crocky's tail but both were squirming furiously to get away.
"Looks like I'm going to have to go in", she muttered.
Cutting down a low-hanging vine with the help of her can-opener, she securely tied Rocky and Crocky to a tree. Then, advancing determinedly along the river-bed she was about to thrust her way into the waterfall when a long stick poked through the water.
There was a notice hanging from the end of the stick. It read
"...
...Please remove all trace of baked beans, kidney beans, soya, runner and broad beans. Human beans, however, come into my parlour, LOL.""LOL?" queried Beryl.
"Leave Off Loincloths," came the explanatory tone from behind the water curtain.
"Well, Diana might look the biz au naturel, but I ain't losing my grainy painies nor krecks for anyone," Beryl replied. The tip of a sharp-looking spear emerged from the waterfall and was jiggled about.
"It's your final warning..." the voice said.
"Hmm, wonder if there's a tribesman's entrance?" Beryl said quietly, gazing at the rocks either side of the cataract. With that, she climbed from the water and...
... smoothing the graininess from her painies, she cast around looking for an alternative means of ingress.At that moment she heard something behind her. Looking round she observed a canoe paddling upstream towards the falls. It had Amazon Prime painted on the bows. The man in it tied the canoe up and leapt out grasping a package.
"Excuse me", started Beryl.
"Sorry - can't chat, I get paid by the delivery", said the man hurrying past.
As Beryl watched, he skirted around the waterfall and ran up some steps carved into the rocks that she hadn't noticed. He disappeared from sight for a moment then ran back down the steps and to his canoe. He was soon paddling downstream again.
"Aha", exclaimed Beryl and started up the steps wondering what she would find.
She turned a corner and ...
almost tripped over the Amazon box which blocked the way to a door set in the rocks. Beryl picked up the box, astonished to find that it was both heavy and full, unlike the normal parcels she usually encountered from Amazon. Suspicious, she looked around furtively, before opening the box with her trusty can-opener. Under a layer of packing paper she was thrilled to find...
... some bubble-wrap."I love bubble-wrap", she thought, "It's so relaxing popping it. Still there's no time right now, I have to save my companions."
Removing the bubble-wrap she wrapped it around her waist securing it with her belt. Then, looking back in the box, she discovered ...
...layers of tissue paper."Oo, I love tissue paper even more than bubble wrap," she thought. "It's so silky and sensual, and makes me feel like a woman." Looking about her, there was no woman to be seen, however, so she lifted the tissue paper clear of the box and tucked it into her belt as well. "Never know when it might come in..." she said softly, then gazing back into the box she saw...
.. that all her birthdays had come at once, as nestled in the middle of the box was a...
... beautifully crafted wooden box."Oooh, that box is so beautifully crafted that it must have something fabulous inside it!"
However it was at this point that she recalled (a) she was here to rescue her friends and (b) this wasn't her box to be opening in the first place.
Feeling guilty for intercepting someone else's parcel and being so easily distracted, she carefully wrapped everything up again, giving herself a mental slap on the wrist.
Then, advancing to the door, she cautiously tried the handle.
The handle ...
... was stuck! Hmmm, said Beryl. There must be aways to open the door. Meanwhile, I might as wells see whots inside this box. Armed with tissue paper, bubble wrap, and a can opener, she set upon her task. After several hours, Beryl threw down the box and said in a very lady-like manner... ^%$#*(*$! I cant get it openened!Suddenly, a disembodied voice said Ho there! Put down that box or prepare to meet dire circumstances!
WHO ARE YOU? squeeked Barry.
I, said the the disembodied voice, am Amazon Prime, aka The Prince of Packages, the Dark Lord of Deliveries, and the Ruler of No Returns Without a Really Good Reason.
The Travelers gasped!
Yeah yeah, oh onmipotate one, said Beryl. Any suggesterations on hows we get out of this watersfall?
Well, said Amazon Prime, all you have to do is show me your receipt and confirm you're a verified buyer of that box you're holding and you're good to go.
Diana looked at The Travellers and said, Okay everybody. Check your pockets and find that invoice!
Not again, sighed Des, as he reached into his pockets and pulled out a linty gummy bear and a 1/2 eaten Snickers Bar.
Wait! said Frances. I think I ....
...might be able to espy said box that the disembodied voice is talking about if I peer through the keyhole of this door right at the back of the cave that lies behind the waterfall we were enticed through.""Yes, after all, every one of us travellers were lured in here - except Beryl, if my memory serves me well enough," advised Rocky, in an attempt to summarise recent events - especially as most had spent a spell under a spell.
"Ah, so that's why I'm stood here minus my loincloth and crop-top!" sighed Diana, covering herself with two pieces of discarded cardboard from a previous Amazon Prime delivery.
"And perhaps that's why I'm WEARING them, the noo!" gasped Crocky.
"Warra burke, warra burke!" squawked a soggy Gusto, who had also flown through the waterfall, under the spell of the owner of the long-fingered hand.
"Hush, everybody," ordered Frances, "I'm just looking through the keyhole, now... EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKK!!!"
"What is it?" asked Desmond. "What can you see?"
"It's an eyeball," Frances replied, " an eyeball staring back at me!"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!" screamed Nosey, the last remaining dwarf, who had pulled Diana's loincloth from Crocky and was now wearing it, himself, having been lured into disrobing himself, for an all-over shampooing. He was facing the opposite direction, looking back at the inside of the curtain of cascading water.
"Why are YOU screaming?" asked Des. "It was Frances who saw the fearsome eyeball."
"It's-it's n-not an eyeball," advised Nosey. "It's m-more than that. It's a hooded figure clothed in a d-dark r-robe."
Sure enough, a figure was slowly gliding towards them across the rocky floor of the cave. Its face was in shadow and under one arm it carried an illuminated pumpkin with a grotesquely-carved face.
Suddenly, a bony arm was thrust from the cloak, an arm that had a a pallid hand with three long and spindly fingers and one thumb. The index finger beckoned them away from the door at the rear of the cave, and a voice issued from the hood that said...
... hello. You must be The Travellers. It's so nice to meet you. My oh my, what a time you've had trekking up and down the Amazon. What can I do to help you? Would you like free 2 day shipping, or a gift-card redeemable at AmazonRUs? How about a free ebook? Or a movie? Your wish is my command, because I'm very rich and generous! Diana tugged down her crop-top and said, Er...
Des wrapped his loincloth around his loins and said, Well we...
Frances took all of his hands out of his 4 pockets and said, eep!
Barry scratched his head and said... WHOA! FREE 2 DAY SHIPPING?
Gusto and Squawky cried, Gonna die Gonna die!
Nosey said, Holy shiitake mushrooms! I nose than man with the 3 spindly fingers and one thumb. It's... it's The Great Bezos!
Beryl hurumphed and said, Hurumph! Does the man know hows to gets us out of this ^&*(&$@! jungle?
Why yes dear, said The Bezos, as he smiled fondly at The Travellers. Remember, your wishers... ahem... your wish is my command! All you have to do is...
... allow me to take a little of your soul for each wish - just a teensy bit - you'll hardly notice it's gone.Des looked very doubtful.
I'm a religious man, he said. I'm pretty sure I'm going to need all of my soul and then some when I reach the Pearly Gates. Isn't there some way you could let me out of here with soul intact?
Hmmm, replied Bezos, I suppose there is a way....
What's that? asked Des.
If you died right now, replied Bezos, then you would go straight to Heaven with all of your soul.
But, said Des, I'm not likely to die at this very moment. I was rather hoping to leave before that time came around.
I'm sure we arrange something, said Bezos
Um, like what? said Des suspiciously.
Well, said Bezos ...
..."what is it that means the most to you?""Huh?" exclaimed Desmond, rather taken aback. He thought some, and then replied. "Well, after giving your question deep consideration, I would have to say the answer is...
... blowin' in the wind.""I didn't ask where it was", said Bezos, and, for the first time his fond smile began to slip, "I asked what it was."
"Sorry", said Des, "In that case I would have to say my prized collection of ...
...cigarette cards featuring exotic birds of the Amazon.""Toucan play at that, toucan play at that!" squawked Mackey the Macaw parrot (who seemed to have inherited the nickname of 'Squawky').
"Ah, that reminds me of the award-winning documentary I once filmed on exotic avians of the rainforest," said Sir David, interrupting the tense atmosphere.
"Do NOT interrupt me," snarled the hooded figure, whose tone had by now turned very menacing. He turned once again to Desmond. "Do you have the card of the South American Umbrella Bird?" he asked.
"Erm, yes, I believe so. Why do you ask?"
"Will you do swapsies? For your soul?"
"Man, you drive a hard bargain. Let me think about it."
The hooded figure scanned the group who were standing in anticipation.
"DON'T EVEN THINK OF TRYING TO TRADE ME FOR MY CILLIT BANG!" Barry warned him. The figure tutted, then turned to Diana.
"You," he said, "what will YOU trade with me if I allow you to keep your soul intact?" Although Diana had retrieved her animal skin crop top, she was still carefully holding the two pieces of Amazon Prime cardboard packaging across the front and rear of her nether regions.
"How very dare you!" she exclaimed. "Do you KNOW who I am? Why, the thing that I hold dearest of all is...
... my supreme fighting ability."With that, throwing caution and cardboard to the wind, she punched Bezos squarely on the nose.
"Owww!" cried the now Not-so-Great Bezos. And he fell backwards stunned.
"Quick, search him and find his keys", said ...
...Frances the mule, who didn't want the Great Bezos to reveal that, having started out on page 3 as Francis, that over the past few months he had gone through a transformation to a she - what a night-Mare! "We need to open the door at the rear of the cave to see whose eyeball is on the other side."While Crocky lay across the cloaked figure's chest, Nosey rifled through the Great Bezos' pockets.
"Hallelulia!" he cried, holding up a large, iron key.
"A man after my own heart," said Desmond, in agreement.
"Beware those long fingers on that pallid hand," Rocky warned Crocky. "You don't want him doing a bit of surreptitious massage again."
"Aye, hen. Ah hiv ma beady eye on that, dinna ye fret yerself. If it comes near me, ah know whit's ma next meal, right enough," Dundee advised, clacking his jaws.
Tossing the key from one to the other, Frances caught it in her teeth, inserted it into the door lock and opened the door. With a backward kick from her hooves the door flew open, to reveal an overjoyed Beryl on the other side.
"I know an alternative way out," she said. "Follow me."
"Wait a minute while I complete this," urged Diana. The Amazon was threading a thin strip from the Great Bezos' cloak through the tops of her Amazon Prime cardboard offcuts, which she then secured around her waist to avoid having to hold them in place.
"INGENIOUS," said Baz, complimenting the Princess.
"I'll tell you something else that's ingenious, as well," advised Sir David, "it's...
... the fact that we're all together in this cave. Considering that Beryl was locked out and yet managed to get inside and be locked in and then appeared locked out again, Rocky and Crocky were left tied to a tree near the waterfall and yet here they are and I had been left behind in my film-crew's camp when you discovered I had a secret stash of food.""Best not to worry about it", said Diana, "Strange things can happen when you're on an adventure!"
At that moment one of Sir David's crew appeared at the cave-mouth and handed him a packed lunch.
"THAT'S NOT FAIR" said Barry.
"Oh hush", said Beryl, "When you're 92 years old I'm sure you'll appreciate someone making sure you have enough sustenance."
"I SUPPOSE", said Barry grudgingly. "Anyway what's this eye everyone is talking about? You mean to say that doesn't belong to The Great Bezos?"
TGB groaned and tried to sit up.
"A few more of us had better sit on him", said Diana and Francis obligingly parked his backside.
"Now, about this door at the back of the cave and the mysterious eye. Let's see if the large, iron key will fit that as well."
A few adventurous souls approach the door at the back of the cave. As they did so they heard an ominoinous sound coming from the other side.
"CAN YOU HEAR THAT?" said Barry.
"I could if your shouting hadn't deafened me", replied Diana.
"What is that sound?"
"It sounds to me like ...
... Sir David's dulcet tones as he described, in loving detail, the mating habits of the rare, lesser yellow-backed blue-green horned dormouse of the Amazon basin, unique for its huge size and carnivorous habit and now threatened with extinction as its normal prey had been decimated by suspension of free, one-day delivery causing said prey to postpone parenthood. "Ahah!" cried Sir David excitedly, "that sounds like the new 'Attenboroughthon theatre' is up and running! You must all see this!" but as he looked round, he was amazed to see that...
...the Great Bezos had successfully managed to flip Crocky and Francis from his chest, and was now hovering above the cave floor, gently caressing his carved pumpkin with his pallid, long fingered hand. Sir David looked concerned; he had faced rampaging rhinos, suffered bites from giant termites and resisted advances from an amorous rare, lesser yellow-backed blue-green horned dormouse of the Amazon basin - but this was something he had not experienced before."You," the Great Bezos boomed, "have you tickets for the new 'Attenboroughthon theatre'?"
"Er, I'm sure my film crew would be able to oblige," replied the elderly documentary maker.
"Right, I'll have a single for the premium seats, please, and a bucket of salted, toffee popcorn," Bezos demanded. "I haven't been to the theatre since...
... the ancient Geeks invented the idea.""HEY", whispered Baz into Beryl's ear, "NOW WE'VE OFFERED HIM SOMETHING HE WANTS, DOES THAT MEAN WE GET A WISH?"
"Ooow!" cried Beryl, "That hurt my ears."
"I heard that", said Bezos, "I may be getting on but my hearing is still good."
"SO DO WE?" said Barry.
"Well ...
...that all depends on the wish, if it is within my power to grant it - and if I can be arsed.""Well, I believe we want to get home as we've been wandering around this damp, humid expanse of flora for long enough. Can you provide that?" asked Beryl.
"Mebbe... mebbe not," replied Bezos. "Depends on how good this 'ere theatre is, innit."
"Right, in that case, I wish -" Beryl started, but Francis chimed in with:
"I wish...
... the rest of you would stop talking, I have something to say.""Wish granted!", exclaimed The Great Bezos.
"Any way", said Francis, "I was just going to point out that we all come from different homes and so whose home will we be sent to?"
Francis looked around expectantly but no-one answered.
"Mmmmmm", said Beryl.
"Mmmm mmmm", said Diana.
"MMMMMMMM", said Barry.
"What's the matter with you all?" asked Francis, then, as it dawned on him, "Ohhh, I see. Ohhh, I've mucked that up haven't I?"
They all nodded.
Francis thought for a moment then turned to Bezos and said,
"Exactly how many wishes do we get? Is it one between us or one each?"
"Mmmm mmm mmmm mmmm", said Bezos with an annoyed tone, "Mmmm mmm mmm mmmm mmm"
"No need to swear", said Francis, "Oh dear, I have got myself into a predicament"
For the first time in his life, the mule realised he would have to use his own initiative instead of being led around by others.
"What should I do?" he pondered, "Should I ...
... ask for another wish? If I get another wish, what should I wish for?The Travelers and The Great Bezos said, mmmphhhhfffttt!
Hmmm, said Francis. Maybe I could wish for:
Front row seats to the new Sir David's Short Attention-Span Theatre? Nah. I've already slept enough on this trip.
Hands? I've always wanted hands. It's really hard to put on my shoes without hands.
A girlfriend? I could call her my little Burrito, and with a little practice, she'd spell my name right.
I could give the 3 finger and 1 thumb man the finger. Maybe he'd be nicer to us if he could clap?
Squawky and Marco said, Maybe you could wish that people got our names straight! By the way, you're all Gonna Die Gonna Die!
Golly gee, sighed Francis, making decisions is really hard. I wish I never went on this adventure in the first place! Suddenly, he found himself surrounded by rolling green hills, blue skies, brilliant sunshine, and platters full of... whatever it is that mules eat. Uh oh, said Francis. I don't think I'm up the Amazon anymore.
Meanwhile, back at the waterfall, the mute button was reversed since Francis's departure.
HaysaidBerylthankthegoddessesswecantalkagainbecausethatwasthelongerestIeverwentwithouttalkinganditwuzreallyuncomtorfable!
Princess Diana tackled The Great Bezos as he tried to run through
the now unlocked door in the rock, and said, Not again, Bucko!
Rocky glanced at Crocky and said, I love it when she speaks pirate.
Crocky winked at him and said, Aye.
And then...
...the 4 parrots, Mackey, Gusto, Squawky and Marco squawked, "You're all Gonna Die Gonna Die!""I DO WISH YOU GREAT HARBINGERS OF DOOM WOULD PIPE DOWN," said Baz.
"Well, don't say we didn't warn you!" screeched Gusto.
"Go on then," sighed Rocky. "What is the reason this time for your warning?"
"Squawk! A rare, lesser yellow-backed blue-green horned dormouse of the Amazon basin is approaching and headed this way."
"He's right!" shrilled Mackey. "And he looks real... well... amorous!"
"Gonna die!" squawked Squawky.
"With a smile on your face!" screeched Marco.
"Who's scared of a wee dormoose?" asked Crocky.
"AH, SO IT'S A MOOSE, NOT A MOUSE?" said Baz. "THAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE."
Diana, holding Bezos down with her left thumb, said,
"I think...
.. we've run out of wishes.""HOW COME", enquired Barry.
"Well you wished the harbingers of doom would pipe down and they didn't."
"MORE'S THE PITY" said Baz.
At that moment the doormoose appeared at the door of the cave. Such was its size that it almost blocked out the daylight.
"I'm a moose and I'm at your door" said the doormoose, "Ding Dong!"
"What ...
...the f..." exclaimed Beryl. "It sounds like Leslie Phillips!""Hel-looo, laydeez. Never fear, Moosie's here - ring-a-ding-dong!"
"Looks like it's you the not so wee moose is after, hen," Crocky said to Diana.
Beryl looked offended and said...
"You've missed your chance mister moose. Frances has already left the building.""When one door closes another opens!" said the doormoose and with a whoosh the door at the back of the cave flew open, revealing ...
The Queen of Quillian said... You scoundrel?
Thank you dearest, said the King. Now where was I? Oh yes, unhand my daughter, you black-eyed sonofa rodent!
Rocky and the Princess stared into each other's eyes as they fell in lust at first sight. Finally, Rocky said, May I have this dance, my beauty? The Princess said, You may have all of my dances, kind sir.
And as the music swelled, Rocky Raccoon and Princess Porcupinella danced as lovers do, forever bound, their union blessed by the whisper of the full moon, their hearts entwined in the heat of a summer's night.
Beryl said, Holy Macaroni, that's soooo romantical!
HURRAY! said Barry. WHAT A SPECTACLE!
Crocky said to no one in particular, How long do ye tink we hav ta play these damn instrumentals?
Diana said, Uh oh. I don't think the King is pleased. He looks like he's going to....