Amazon exiles discussion
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Carry On up the Amazon
"Beak Wyatt!""Huh?" said the Toucan.
"Be quiet or you'll attract the attention of Beak Wyatt" whispered Beryl urgently.
"Who or what is Beak Wyatt for heaven's sake?"
"He's the Amazon's painful punster. If we start using puns, he will appear and believe me we don't want that."
"Why not?"
"Because ...
Hello buoys and gulls! Tis I, Beak Wyatt, the Painful Punster, accompanying you for the next lap of your journey. Speaking of laps, where does your lap go when you stand up? While'st you are apondering my previous pun, I shall be your designated punster for the following paragraph!HE'S A TELEPATH? asked Barry.
We wish, grumbled Des. He's the Painful Punster, and if we don't get rid of him, he'll annoy us for the rest of our journey.
Beryl huffed and said, Ha! I can take it. I ain't no chicken.
Speaking of chickens, said the Punster, I once had a friend called Rooster. We used to hang around a club called the Henhouse, but every time I met a chick, he cock-blocked me!
Then I dated an Accountant, but to sum up our relationship, we were divided on too many issues, and some things didn't add up. More importantly, I just couldn't count on her!
Then I dated a Doctor. She was so funny she had me in stitches, but she was always needling me, and I eventually ran out of patients!
Ba dum bum tish! squawked Mackey.
I once filmed an award-winning documentary about the History of Puns, said Sir David, and I...
Francis the Donkey seemed very upset after running into the Painful Punster. Diana said, Francis, why the long face?
Francis said...
I was born with it! It goes with the breed! I never thought you'd be so insensitive, Diana, making speciesist puns! And he turned tail and trotted off, nose in the air, leaving Diana and the rest of the group astonished and dismayed.Unfortunately, a donkey with his nose in the air can't see where he's going and there was a sudden...
...crash! Francis barreled into the Painful Punster and said, Oh, I'm so sorry!The Painful Punster brushed himself off and said, No worries, my four-footed friend. Some people just don't appreciate a horse of a different color.
Er... said Francis, I'm actually gray, as most of my donkey bretheren and sisteren are.
Well then, said The Punster, that's a tail for another day!
Diana said, I think my ears are bleeding.
What?! cried Crocky. I can't hear you. My ears are ringing!
Barry said, BEARS ARE SINGING?
Nay! said Des. Tis the curse of the Painful Punster. We must get rid of him before our brains explode!
Beryl said, I'll do it! I once dated a guy who thought he was the cat's meow. We pussy-footed around for a while, but he eventually showed his stripes, and now he's hissstory!
How old ARE you? asked Rocky.
None of your beeswax, said Beryl. Then she...
...YOU CAN'T! I, dear lady," sneered the PP, "am a hologram, a projection, a figment if you like and cannot be touched, much less wrestled.""I don't like," snapped Beryl, "I'm not your dear lady, or anyone else's for that matter," and her fierce gaze swept the assembled company causing some blushing and shuffling of feet. " and if you're a projection, as you say, then where's the projector? I'd like to pull the plug on you. And where are you really? Is there someone else pulling your strings?" she asked, thoroughly confusing Barry, who started looking up for some mysterious giant puppet master.
The PP started to reply but was cut off by the smooth and condescending tones of...
...the Puppet Master, or PM for short. And, who else could be a short PM but William Pitt the Younger, who had been in the Amazon for some considerable time."Now then, now then, now then, PP, we don't give away trade secrets, do we. What is discussed in the House stays in the House. Keep it under your hat."
"Better if you kept it under your Whig, William," suggested the Painful Punster.
"WHY WOULD ANYONE NEED A WIG IN THE JUNGLE?" asked Barry.
"Warra Berk!" squawked Gusto. "Where's Mackey?"
"Nobody messes with Tu-Quan the toucan," snapped the toucan. "Anyone fancy a Guinness?"
"Is it on draught?" asked Desmond.
"Dunno," replied the PP, "but there's a bit of a breeze whistling up the river."
"Can you answer me a question?" Beryl asked William the Puppet Master.
"Ah, only during PM's question time," he replied.
"Well, how can somebody who has obviously been here in the jungle for so long still be called 'The Younger'?"
"That's an easy one to answer," replied Young William. "I...
... am William the Younger, son of William the Older, grandson of William the Elder, great grandson of William the Decrepit, great great grandson of Lord William and Lady Penelope of Castle Northinghamptonshropenshire in the county of Putacorkinit. I am known far and wide as The Puppet Master, but you can call me Bill. Okay, Bill, said Diana, Why are you here?
I am a Time Traveler from the future, said Bill, and I have come to warn you about the dangers of traveling up the Amazon. You may run into many strange characters, like a talking donkey.
That's me! said Francis.
And an Aussie Crocky.
Aye! said Crocky.
And a cranky ex-employee of ASDA, with bleached-blond hair and really big bos... er... bottles of Cillit Bang.
(Beryl scratched her head and wondered who he meant).
Not to mention being covered in guano goo, a man called Noer trying to herd cats into his arc, 2 fowl-mouthed parrots...
Flock you! squawked Mackey and Gusto.
And then...
...Gusto added: "Mackey! Pieces of eight, nine and ten! So, the bird with the big bill didn't eat you after all!'"I've got a Young Bill," replied the Painful Punster, "but I can assure you he ain't no bird - I've seen his despatch box."
"Warra burk!" squawked Mackey, Gusto and Tu Quan together, as the toucan had quickly learnt to speak parrot-ese.
"TIME TRAVELLER?" asked Baz. "THEN PERHAPS YOU CAN EXPLAIN IF I EVER MANAGE TO SPEAK WITHOUT 'CAPS LOCK' ON - AND IF ENGLAND MANAGE TO GET OUT OF THE GROUP STAGE OF THE WORLD CUP COMPETITION IN RUSSIA?"
"Oh, I certainly know the answers to those questions," replied the PM, "but...
... for your own protection, I am not allowed to tell you. According to the Puppet Masters Time Travel Rules and Regulations handbook, if I told you what the future held, you would all get sucked into a black hole and could end up in an alternate universe.Oh no, said the Painful Punster. I once got sucked into a black hole, and came out a shadow of my former self!
Well, said Diana, we've been stuck carrying on up the Amazon for quite some time now. How do you suggest we get out of here?
I LOVE BEER! said Barry. AND CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE DISENGAGE MY CAPLOCKS?
Sir David said, I once filmed an award-winning documentary about the World Cup competition and I...
Dez sighed and said, We're never getting out of here, are we?
Beryl said, That's okay. I have a date with the Painful Punster. He said he's an artist, so we're going out tomorrow night to paint the town red!
Then the Puppet Master said, Now folks. Don't get your panties in a bunch.
(Too late, mumbled Beryl, as she squirmed around a bit)
I have a solution! All you have to do is...
and the Puppet Master said, I have a solution...
So saying, he produced a vial and a number of test-tubes. The vial contained a greenish coloured solution.All you have to do is drink some of it and, magically, ...
...you'll at least wonder if you're somewhere different.""But, will we be?" asked Desmond.
"You'll need to drink some to find out, won't you!" replied the PM. "So, who's going first?"
The motley bunch looked at each other, and first to step forward was...
...a buzzing noise close to his ear, "What was that?" he asked just as the buzzing sounded in his other ear. He moved his head frantically from side to side, trying to...
... figure out what it was.I do believe, said Sir David, that that annoying buzzing sound is telling us not to drink the greenish-colored solution.
What makes you think that? asked Diana.
Because, said Sir David, I distinctly heard a disembodied voice say, Do not drink the greenish-colored solution.
But... but... sputtered Francis. Bill the Puppet Master said it was magical!
That's true, said Sir David. But I once filmed an award-winning documentary about Magical Greenish-Colored Solutions and...
And what? asked Dez.
I... I'm not sure, sputtered Sir David. I usually don't get to finish what I was saying because...
Yes yes, said Beryl, but this may be very informatative. Please continute.
Very well! preened Sir David. The reason that magical greenish-colored solutions are dangerous is because...
Suddenly, Rocky grabbed one of the vials, drank it and said, I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS. I WANNA GO HOME!
Barry said, Now Rocky... Oh look! I'm not speaking in caps anymore!
It must be magic!
Rocky glared at Barry and said, GREAT! NOW I'M STUCK WITH THEM! WHY DON'T YOU GO...
... and Rocky said, WHY DON'T YOU GO...
...AND-""Strikes me that the green liquid is causing you to repeat yourself, Rocky. Maybe it wasn't quite so magical, after all?" suggested Baz.
"GO AND BOIL YOUR, BOIL YOUR... OOPS, I THINK I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN," Rocky replied. "YOU MEAN."
"No, I'm not at all mean. I only have your Raccoonish welfare at heart."
"HELP ME, SOMEONE - ANYONE. I'M GOING TO GO HOARSE IF I CONTINUE SPEAKING LIKE THIS. GO HOARSE, LIKE THIS."
"Well, I'm the closest you're gonna get to a horse around here," said Francis. "Why don't you just stop talking?" Rocky thought about that suggestion.
"IF I DO, HOW WILL I EVER...
... repetitious reprobate."HOW, How, DARE, DAre, Dare, YOU, YOu, You, you."
"Aha, I think I've got it!" exclaimed Sir David.
"Well don't bring it anywhere near me" retorted Barry.
"No, no, I mean I think I know what's going on. Rocky, swap places with me."
"NOW, NOw, Now, now" said Sir D. ""SEE? SEe? See? see?"
He stepped away from the spot again.
"You see" he said, "We're in some kind of natural echo chamber. When we stand at its focus, there's an echo." He moved away again.
"You know" said Beryl, I've heard a legend about this place.
"Ooh do tell", said the others, gathering around.
"Well" said Beryl, "It's quite exciting really, it's like this ...
... when I wuz a little girl, my Mum told me a fantastical story about The Legend of Some Kind of Natural Echo Chamber.I ken, said Crocky, that yer Mum was verra good at creatin' titles.
She wuz! beamed Beryl. Now shut it. As I was saying, it was said that whosever found the Chamber would be granted 3 wishers.
WHAT ARE WISHERS WISHERS WISHERS? asked Rocky.
It's a wish, said Barry, with extraneous letters.
A wisher, said Beryl as she glared at Barry, is when you axe somebody for a favor and they grants it to you. However, if you drink the majical greenish-colored solution, your wisher comes out in the back of wards.
The bonny lass means backwards, interjected Crocky.
That's what I said! said Beryl.
Well then, said Diana, the rest of us are safe as long as we don't drink anything.
Uh oh! said Des. I too drank some magical greenish-colored solution. Well... I was thirsty! And then I got hungry, so I wished for something to eat.
Suddenly...
...with a flurry of feathers and squawking, Tu-Quan the toucan fell from above and landed on the ground at Desmond's feet."Are you 'Something'?" he asked.
"Even if I were, don't even consider looking out the Paxo, mate - this bird ain't no chick."
"Looks like that was a wasted wisher, Des," said Baz.
"Tu-Quan play that game," suggested Beak Wyatt, the Painful Punster.
"Look," said Beryl, can Rocky and Des just wait a danged moment before uttering any more wishers! We need to have a debate about what would be the best things to wisher for, that would benefit us all the most."
"That's easy," hee-hawed Francis, "I think we should wisher for-"
"It's only wishers-three," Beak Wyatt corrected him.
"All the wishers are free," said Francis, then he repeated, "I think we should wisher for...
Wait! said Tu-Quan the Toucan. I do believe I was wisher #1.HE'S RIGHT, said Rocky. WE MUST BE VERY CAREFUL WITH OUR LAST TWO WISHERS WISHERS WISHERS.
I've got it! said Des. I wish everything goes back to normal.
Nooo! cried Diana. You too drank the magical greenish-colored solution before entering The Some Kind of Natural Echo Chamber and your wisher will come out backwards!
Be silly don't, said Des. Uh oh.
Suddenly, in a great puff of smoke, a large white rabbit appeared in the shrubbery. Hello, said the rabbit as he chewed on a stogie, my name is Normal and everything here is mine mine mine!
The Painful Punster said, No worries, people. As they say...
Hare today, gone tomorrow.
And then...
and then Beryl started to sing...Alls alone again
I'm ups the river
On my own again
I thinks I've lost my way
Theers nobody heer to play
I willst find them all sumday
And I'm gonna make them pay!
Alls alone again...
"I WISH YOU'D SHUT UP!" roared Baz, "I CAN'T THINK WITH ALL THAT NOISE,"But Beryl sang on, even louder and the rest of the group turned furiously to Baz. "Another wish wasted and you weren't even standing in the right spot, either! We can only shut her up by using our last wish! What are we going to do now, Dozy?"
A scarlet faced Baz backed away, holding his hands up, "I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! BUT THE NOISE..."
"You're a fine one to talk about noise, the way you shout at everyone," said Diana "but this isn't getting us anywhere. Shall we make the wish and carry on looking? Or shall we..."
"Ive got an idea", interrupted Sir David, "we could...
... film an award-winning documentary about Banshees in the Wild. All we need is a wind instrument for accompaniment and we're good to go. The Painful Punster chuckled and said, We do have many blow-hards here!
Well excuze me! said Beryl. It's those damned expirated canned beens from ASDA.
Okay people, said Diana. We only have one wish left so we really need to make it count.
WHAT SHOULD WE WISHER FOR? asked Des.
Well, said Barry. I'm kinda hungry. How about Brunch?
Aye, said Crocky. I ken do wid sum Brunch.
What's a Brunch? asked Francis.
Normal, the large white rabbit said, A Brunch is when you eat lots of lettuce, carrots, and bean sprouts, and an excuse to drink large quantities of Bloody Marys in the middle of the day.
Suddenly, a great wind descended upon the travelers. Everybody looked at Beryl and groaned. Beryl pouted and said, It wasn't me!
Mackey squawked, She who smelt it, dealt it!
After thoroughly fanning themselves, the travelers put their heads together and decided their last wish...
And several bales of hay appeared out of nowhere. The rest of the group looked at each other and......
Suddenly, 7 dwarfs came whistling out of the bales of hay. Hello Travelers! said the tall one. My name is Dukie, and these are my friends, Snippy, Wimpy, Ballsy, Insomaniac, Pain-In-The-Ass, and Stupid.
Hello, er... everyone, said Diana. Have you come to guide us home?
Of course, said Dukie. All you have to do is give us all of your gold and we'll be on our way.
Francis said, Gold? We don't have any g...
Hush! said Beryl. Of course we have gold. We have more gold than you can carry. Just get us out of the Amazon and it's all yours!
I don't this is a good idea, whispered Des. Dwarfs get really angry when they don't get paid.
Sir David said, That is true. I once filmed an award-winning documentary called The Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous Dwarfs, and if they don't get their gold they get really cranky.
Aye, said Crocky. I seen that and it wanna pretty!
No worries, said Beryl. We'll just give them all the gold we have when we get home (wink wink)
YES, said Barry. I TOO WOULD LIKE A DRINK.
So off The Travelers went, on their way home, with a smile on their face and hope in their eye.
Gonna die! Gonna die! squawked Mackey and Gusto...
..then.... Pain-In-The-Ass pointed his shotgun at them, and pulled the trigger! A flutter of feathers gently falls to the ground.Pain-In-The-Ass..looks at the surprised group and says.."Tis fer dinna, roit!" "Stupid..go fetch them!"
Stupid - looks around his feet then looks at Pain-In-The-Ass "urrrrrmmm..where d'thay go?"
Pain-In-The-Ass "T'wards tha ravine, ya dope!"
Stupid mopes off towards the ravine and......
...disappears with a shriek of surprise, having failed to notice that the luxuriant vegetation overhung the edge by a considerable amount."Oh, what's 'e gorn and done now?" asked Pain-in-the-Ass in exasperation.
"It's ok!" cried Ballsy, "I'll get 'im!" and he rushed off in Stupid's footsteps straight towards the edge.
"No, come back," implored Wimpy, "you'll go over too."
It was too late to halt Ballsy's headlong career and he followed Stupid into the ravine.
"Someone will have to climb down to them," said Diana, looking round at the rest. They all started backing away, refusing to meet her eyes...
...and she advanced on them, slapping unwanted insects against her skin as she did so."Man, I HATE these mozzies and midges," she hissed between clenched teeth.
"Mozzies, I understand, but we ain't done nuffink to you, yet, to make you hate us," whimpered Wimpy, whilst leading the remaining 5 dwarves in a backward retreat. "Keep away from us, you, you, Amazooooooooooooooooo..."
"Nian?" suggested Francis, in an attempt to finish the vertically challenged man's sentence as he and the rest of the dwarves disappeared down the gorge, too.
"Well, as characters, they didn't last that long, did they?" said Rocky. "I'm not sure if they were munchkins or lemmings."
"Gonna fly." squawked Mackey, denuded of several tail feathers from the near miss with the shotgun.
"It's not all bad," replied Francis. "There are 7 bales of Hey-hay left, so that's my tea sorted. I don't think that last wisher was too bad at all."
"WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US?" whispered Baz?
"I don't mind sharing a strand or two from that bale over there. It's the one Inso-maniac emerged from, and it reeks a bit."
"We need proper grub, not donkey fodder!" screeched Beryl. Like the sort of stuff my supermarket stocks."
"Grubs?" asked Crocky. "I didn't know...
... that grubs were edible.Oh sure, said Rocky. I love grubs! They're very high in protein, and are quite tasty when properly cooked. My Greatgrandma Rosy Raccoon is a famous chef back in my hometown of Damsville, and has created such delicious recipes like...
Deep fried grubs
Boiled grubs
Broiled grubs
BBQ'd grubs
Sauteed grubs
Grub casserole
Grubs au Gratin
and her infamous Grub ala Mode is to die for!
No, you twit! said Beryl. Not those kinds of grubs. I mean reel food like whut they sells at my store, like canned Spam surrounded by jellified goo, vintage Twinkies made by the Ancients, and pull-your-fillings-out Turkee Jerkee.
Diana, who turned somewhat green, gulped and turned to The Travelers and said, Since we don't know how long it shall take us to get to the nearest ASDA, let's take a vote. Everybody who wants to try some grubs, raise your hand...
...which a few of the group slowly and reluctantly begin to raise up.But then...Barry pulls out Pot Noodle from one of the bales of hay..then another..and another...…!
HEY GUYS...WHERE DID THESE COME FROM? THERE'S LOADS OF 'EM HERE!
DAMMIT..I WISH I COULD STOP SHOUTING! ANYWAY, LET'S GET A FIRE GOING AND BOIL SOME WATER..THERE'S A RIVER DOWN IN THAT RAVINE...WHO'LL BE GOOD AT CLIMBING DOWN TO IT?
The group looks at each other and.....
...Rocky is the first to speak:"Erm, do we really NEED water?" he asked. "Has anyone tried eating a Pot Noodle dry? Surely it would be just as nutritious."
"GERROUTOVIT!" said Baz. "COURSE THEY NEED WATER. WE NEED WATER ANYWAY, AND I'M GASPING FOR A CUPPA."
"A cup of what?" asked Beryl. "Are you trying to tell us you have a secret supply of tea bags hidden on you? THEY didn't show up when you emptied the contents of your pockets earlier. What else didn't you declare?"
"NEVER YOU MIND," Barry replied. "LOOK, CAN SOMEBODY GO AND GET SOME WATER, FOR PETE'S SAKE!"
"Yes, and be danged quick about it - I'm gasping!" came a voice from behind a large fern.
"Who said that?" asked Desmond.
"I did," came the reply.
"And who in Heaven's name are you?"
"Pete. I've been hanging around here desperate for a drink ever since I stepped into a snare set by the local Ellarewe natives. It was me who hid the supply of Pot Noodles in those hay bales to stop the Ellarewe from getting their mitts on them. Can somebody cut me down, please? The blood's rushed to me head and I'm disorientated. I dunno if it's Julember or Septune, now."
"Och," said Crocky Dundee, "if the mon is that despairate fer a drop o' the hard stuff, we can send him doon the gorge fer it, the noo, ye ken."
"GOOD IDEA," replied Baz. "CROCKY, LOOK SNAPPY AND GO AND FREE THIS PETE."
"Don't get caught in the snare yourself," warned Francis. "I wonder where the Ellarewe are?"
Desmond looked around and said...
... it doesn't matter! Somebody must go into the ravine and get some water. Francis raised a hoof and said, I'll go, but I'm gonna need somebody to help me carry it back up.
Crocodile Dundee said, I'd like ta help ya oot lad, but I'm afeered of hites.
Barry said, I'D DO IT, BUT MY EXTREMELY LOUD VOICE MAY START AN AVALANCHE.
I'd like to help you, said Crocky as he waved his front flippers around, but as you can see, crocodiles have really small hands.
Beryl said, Don't look at me. I just had a manuricure!
Diana rubbed her temples and said, Oh for Pete's sake.
Pete said, Yes? And then...
...he added, "Won't ANYBODY cut me down?" Sensing some good fun, here, Rocky replied,"Sorry, Pete, there ain't nobody with the name Anybody, here."
"Well, somebody, then, surely!"
"Nah, there ain't nobody called Somebody, neither, nor Shirley."
"Oooo, I'm getting real mad, now," advised Pete. "Just you wait until I get out of this mess..."
"Well, we aren't going anywhere anytime soon, so I guess we will be waiting," said Rocky.
"You bunch of..." snarled Pete.
"What's the 'little' word you've forgotten?" asked Rocky.
"Ah," replied Pete, seeing the light. "Might that be...
...where-the-Ellarewe?""Huh? No that ain't it," replied Rocky. "Anyway, for your information we're stuck in -"
"No, you cretin, it wasn't a question, I was warning you. If you care to look behind you, you'll see you have visitors." Every one of the dramatis personae slowly turned round, and to their horror saw...
... that they were surrounded by the entire Ellarewe Tribe!Hail Travelers! said their leader. My name is Ella, and this is my sister Shirley, and my other sister Shirley.
Surely you jest? snickered Dez.
It's true, said Ella. I was named after my Great Grandmama Ellofagoodtime, and my sister was named after my Aunt Shirley, and my other sister was named after my other Aunt Shirley.
Shirley spun around in circles, giggled and said, You can call me Twirly Shirley.
Shirley flexed her muscles and said, You can call me Burly Shirley, as she poked Barry in the chest and sent him flying across the jungle.
Barry dusted himself off and whispered, I THINK I LOVE HER.
Then one day, continued Ella, We decided to leave our namesakes behind, got hopelessly lost in the Amazon, and called ourselves the Ellarewe Tribe.
Oh for my sake! said Pete as he dangled upside down. You gals are crazy!
Suddenly, a large and hungry woman came storming out of the shubbery. Hello luv! she said as she licked her lips and stared at Pete. My name is Cray Zee, the second cousin of Ella, Shirley, and Shirley twice removed, came back, and removed again.
Oh Please! cried Pete. Don't let her eat me!
Now THAT, said Diana, Is the magic word.
And then...
...after being hit by darts from the Ellarewe blowpipes, they all went to sleep for a month - after all, it was Summer and sleepy season."Yaaaaawn," uttered Desmond, eventually, when he woke up. "Is it worth getting up for, or should I go back to sleep again?"
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz..." came the reply from everyone.
All except for...
... Sir David. Uppy uppy, he said. Tis time to get a move on. Award-winning documentaries don't make themselves, you know. One time, I was filming in the Land of Nod and the entire crew just...Wow, said Beryl as she rubbed the dust-crispies from her eyes. I feel like I been asleeping for a month!
ME TOO, said Barry.
As do I, said Princess Diana. Does anybody know what day this is?
Aye, said Crocky. Tis... tis...
I know, said Francis. It's... it's...
Of course, said Rocky. It's... ummm...
Apparently, said Des, We have no idea what day it is since we've all been asleep for a month. More importantly, does anybody have anything to eat because I'm really really hungry.
Macky and Gusto squawked... Gonna die! Gonna die!
Barry said, OH GOOD. I'D LOVE A HAM ON RYE.
And then...
without warning, the heavens opened and the group was showered with packs of sandwiches - cheese and pickle, egg and cress, tomato and ham. "SORRY," boomed a voice, "no ham on rye. It's taken me so long to sort these out, I had to let you have them before they went stale. Can I take your drinks orders now?"The companions looked round, bewildered, unable to tell where the voice was coming from.
"Who is it?" whispered Brenda, stretching out a hand for a sandwich, as she spoke. No-one answered, as they were too busy munching.
"I'd like a latte," came from Barry, his usual volume muffled by a mouthful of food.
"Latte?" said Diana with scorn, "not a proper drink. We'll have double espressos, please, to wake us up."
"Righto, coming up!"
"I still can't tell where..." but Brenda stopped speaking abruptly, as she finally made out...
... a helicopter hovering overhead. WHO IS THAT? whispered Barry between mouthfuls of food.
I recognize that crest, said Brenda. It's none other than King Ven of Dor, who rules over all of the vending machines all over the world. We're saved!
King Vendor stepped out of the helicopter in all his royal finery. He appeared to be quite startled as he gazed upon The Travelers, who were momentarily incapable of speech whilst stuffing their faces with foodstuffs.
Finally, Diana swallowed, dipped into a deep curtsy and said, Your Highness of HamAndCheese, thank you so much for rescuing us! For we have been lost in this damn... er... magnificent jungle for quite some time now and are really really hungry.
Ha! bellowed The Lord of Lunchmeat as he roared with laughter. I had no idea you were here! My minions and I fly over the Amazon once a year to dump our old sandwiches before they turn.
Once a year? asked Des in a state of shock. How old are these sandwiches anyways?!
Who knows? said The Emperor of Eggsalad. What did you expect for $2.75 in quarters?
I don't feel so good, said Francis, turning an interesting shade of grayish green.
Me neether, said Beryl, as she let out a delicate BURRRPPP.
Och! said Crocky, as he spit out the last of a tuna fish sandwich. I afeered we be in fa a bit of a rumble tanight!
Well, said King Vendor as he shoved his minions back into the helicopter, I must be off. Sandwiches don't make themselves, you know! Then The Travelers forlornly watched The Sultan of Salmonella fly off into the sunset.
First dibs on the loo! shouted Rocky, grabbing a pawful of leaves on the way...
to the nearest "comfort station" (aka hole in the ground) only to find that it was already occupied by an entire tribe of baboons, quarrelling fiercely over their places in the queue and not looking likely to make way for a strange raccoon, whatever the urgency. Rocky came to a skidding halt, then started sidling awkwardly around the group, trying to spot an alternative site while holding on to his dignity. The pride of the raccoons was at stake! After what seemed an age, he noticed a small sign fixed to a nearby tree...
"Birds do it, bees do it, even raccoons up in trees do it."So he started climbing ...
... and climbing and climbing until he got to the topmost branch. Then he looked down and said, What the heck am I doing up here? The baboons, laughing hysterically, pointed at him and said, Sucka! You fell for the old Sign in the Tree routine! Ahahahahaha!
Oh yeah? said Rocky. Well, bombs away!
RUN! cried the baboons.
LOOK OUT BELOW! cried Desmond.
FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW! sang Barry.
And then...
...the branch that Rocky was using as a launch pad snapped, and he fell from bough to bough. As he tumbled, he yelled:"Thank Heavens I didn't have to finish the final line from that sign, as there's no other Raccoon here for me to fall in lurve with."
"He's right," advised Crocky. "He's just plain falling, instead."
Both Macky and Gusto took to the air as their own special branch snapped.
Then, just before Rocky hit the floor, ...
... a vision of great beauty caught his eye.H... hello, stammered Rocky as he tumbled from the trees. Who are you, lovely lady?
I am Princess Porcupinella, said the newcomer, daughter of the King and Queen of Quillian. I was just passing by with my entourage en route to my betrothed, Prince Prickly, and I couldn't help but noticing your bravery when you leaped from that tree!
Rocky blushed and blushed again. When he finally gathers his wits he said, I... I... I...
Francis poked Crocky and said, I think he's in looooove.
Aye, said Crocky. But I doona think the Royal Fam be all that trilled wit the lass abreakin her betroodle to the Prickly.
Nunsense! said Beryl. Hoo would stand in the ways of troo luvvv?
Then the King of Quillian looking aghast said...
He be knackered! squawked Mackey and Gusto.
No no, said Diana. I think he is actually a Toucan.
I LOVE PECANS! said Barry.
I perfers wallnuts, said Beryl, but I do enjoy a occasional pishtashio.
Aye, said Crocodile Dundee. There be nothin like roastin yer chestnuts o'er an open bonfire, as long as ye be quick about it.
Ahem, said the Toucan. I don't mean to intrude, but I was on my way home and it seems I took a wrong turn and am now lost in the Amazon. Can anybody give me directions to the nearest Bird and Bath?
Okay, said Des, but it's gonna cost you.
No problem, said the Toucan. Just put it on my bill!
The Travelers all groaned and said...