Amazon exiles discussion
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Carry On up the Amazon
..A SUPERMARKET WOULD BE HANDY''Hang on a minute" interrupted Des, "Are we back on the Amazon? How did that happen?"
The group looked around them in...
...awe.Well hell, said Diana. How long is this damned river anyways?!
Why don't we just...
....handy rainforest. I’m sure no-one will notice if we.....
...search for a suitable log which I can hollow out to fashion a serviceable dugout. Francis can help us to look."The others looked relieved. "Where did you get the wood handled cleaver?' inquired Des.
"It was a free gift with an old copy of 'The Butcher' in reception back at the Travelodge. Why do you ask?"
"No particular reason". Des looked nervous. "Could you maybe just not...
.....wave it about willy nilly which might just happen. Perhaps I could look after it while .....
...I get first go at hollowing the log. After all, I found the cleaver and there wouldn't be any chance of making a new canoe without it.''True enough,' agreed Des, while secretly resolving not to let Diana have the cleaver if he could help it. 'Why don't you look for some berries or something while we wait? They'll be hungry when they get back.'
'Okay, I think I saw a load of mushrooms just a little way off the track. They'd go with some of that bready stuff,' and off she went.
Des grubbed around, finding some wild garlic and with Diana's mushrooms and a small fire, they made a reasonable meal for the others' return. Sad to say, none of them was a fan of survival documentaries so didn't realise that the mushrooms were of the hallucinogenic type and it wasn't long until...
... everything became normal. Instead of being a an unlikely miscellany of talking animals and extraordinary people, they started to believe that they were ordinary folk living in an ordinary town.
Of course the problem with this ...
...was that the ordinary family in question was The Simpsons. Baz thought he was Homer, Francis, the responsible one with the strong moral compass, was Marge. Diana produced a saxophone from her pouch and became Lisa, while Rocky contentedly sucked an acorn as Maggie. Crocky contented herself as Santa's Little Helper, the family dog. Des of course was Bart.In this fashion...
the yellow-tinged family blundered their way through the forest with cries of D'oh, Eat my shorts and ...
..other beloved catch phrases. They had completely forgotten they were hungry. 'Oh. Homey' sighed Franicis, 'this scenery reminds me of our honeymoon'. Baz blushed in a manly way, while Des snorted in derision. Diana nudged him."Don't be such a cynic, I think it's sweet'. 'OK, don't have a cow, man' sniggered Des.
This might have gone on for some time, were it not for...
... the sudden delayed effect of the mushrooms on Crocky's metabolism, which was rather different from the humans'. Crocky had reluctantly eaten only the cold leftovers, hankering after something less vegetable in nature. Just as the party reached...
...the point of exhaustion, they came upon a clearing in the forest. with a rudimentary building bearing the words 'Bar and Diner' on a rough wooden sign over a crudely carved counter. 'Is this just fantasy? Is this the real life?' warbled Diana.
'Mmmm, beer', salivated Baz.
'Wake up you lot' croaked Crocky 'We're not The Simpsons. we're...
... simply denizens of the Amazon (or is it the Orinoco? I'm just a croc so I don't really care about geography) going about our daily business.Behind the counter of the Bar and Diner stood a grinning fellow wearing a hat with corks tied around the outside of the brim.
G'day Mates, he said cheerily. You look like you could do with a couple of tinnies. What's your pleasure?
OMG, gasped Crocky, hiding behind Francis as best she could. It's Crocodile Dundee! Hide me or I'm done for.
Dundee held his hat up to the sun and peered into it.
Difinitely time for a few beers, he chortled. Take seats all of you.
The humans sat at the rough wooden benches in the clearing outside the bar.
I'll have a ...
... "Babycham please", said Des, smiling pleasantly.Dundee curled his lip and snarled, "If you think I'm serving up one of those, you've got another think coming. You'd better order something more Australian or else I'll have no option but to ......."
... set the koalas on you.Do they bite? asked Des nervously looking around.
No, but they can give you a nasty ...
... dose of chlamydia by all accounts ...
Is that alcoholic? enquired Des innocently.Shh, said Diana. What do you recommend Mr Dundee? Would it be Fosters? I seem to remember you in an advert ...
Ahem, we don't like to talk about that, coughed Dundee. To tell the truth it's gnats piss. I'll tell you what: I've got a fair few tins of Carlton Draught in the cooler if you're interested. And, to follow that there's some of my own brand Dundee cake.
Sounds wonderful, murmured Diana wondering how they would pay for it all. Well ...
..at least they weren't hallucinating any more. Unless the handsome barman and his establishment were also a mirage. Diana fervently hoped not. Baz and Des were all very well but...
..... each carried certain undesirable traits of her ex-husband and she was hoping for.....
... to be be completely honest, 'a bit of rough'.Crocodile Dundee certainly fit the description at first sight and ...
...with a start Diana realised that as she had been daydreaming, the others had placed their orders. Mesmerised, she watched the ripple of his muscles as he poured the drinks. 'We don't have any money' she apologised.
'No worries. I could use a hand around here, you can pay me back in kind'
'What kind of a hand do you need?' asked Diana, trying to sound demure.
"Well, for a start...
... the old knob needs polishing. He pointed to the front door where a rather tarnished brass doorknob languished. It looked quite out of character with the rest of the bar.
Err... I see, replied Diana, not quite sure that she did.
NO WORRIES! broke in Barry, brandishing his almost empty Cillit Bang spray. I'M GOOD FOR ALL THE POLISHING YOU NEED! JUST POINT ME IN THE DIRECTION OF YOUR CLEANING PRODUCTS!
Ermm ...
... did we just halllucinate Crocodile Dundee? asked Diana.I think so, said Des. Rumor has it he was eaten by a very angry croc, who resented his hoarding of Fosters.
It wasn't me! cried Crocky.
YOU HAVE TO PEE? asked Barry.
No no, said Des. He said... actually, I do have to pee.
Me too, said Diana. Okay everybody... to the loo! But make it quick because...
... came from when I had to break up a fight between a croc and a shark.You see the shark had swum up the Orinoco from the sea and the croc had swum down from the river. I had to swim out three miles to get to them.
Diana looked sceptical.
But why ...
..bother? And what has that to do with not going to the loo in the dark?The barman...
leaned forward and took a deep breath.Well, he said. You see it's like this. I was on a contract to collect specimens for the Orinoco Aquarium and the croc was a particularly bonzer spezza. Unfortunately it slipped out of my grasp and started off downstream. I followed in my canoe but hit some rocks in the bay. Then I saw the shark - it looked like Jaws' grandaddy. I was worried that the two of 'em would obliterate each other and decided to catch both.
By this time the whole party appeared to be mesmerised by his words - except that is for Crocky who was looking decidedly uncomfortable.
And the dunny, asked Des eagerly. How that that fit into the story?
Well, drawled Dundee. It's like this ...
... were going to say the shark was living in the dunny!Not a shark, was the reply, but I'm sure you've heard about the sloths?
He drew out his tablet. Here have a look at this.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/earth/hi/earth_...
My word ...
are people unsure if we are back on the Amazon or still in the parallel world's Orinoco?" she asked. "The GPS app on my phone assures me we are in the basin of the Amanoco River which drains from the wetlands of both Venezuala AND Brazil. Now try telling me we aren't completely lost.""Jeez!" said Desmond, and then immediately apologised for his profanity. "Thank Heavens we aren't in the jungle surrounding the Orinazon River. Then we WOULD have cause to be concerned. It's there that one can find the...
Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.Are you sure? said Barry, scratching his head. I thought ...
...that was an urban myth, thought up to frighten shoplifters. The Orinazon River's surely home to the pyragator, which reproduces itself every time...
... someone screams. This is unfortunate because they are so repulsive that, if you've never seen one before, you are almost certain to scream your head off. Before you know it, you are surrounded by the damn things.Of course ...
... the real problem is that they have such a burning desire to be loved, as a result of their hideous aspect repelling everyone who sees them, that they will literally be ...
...gin to climb up your leg, making unpleasant sucking noises as they attempt to get you to kiss them.Never mind what they look like - are they tasty? enquired Crocky who had now emerged from her hiding place. I think I could manage a pretty good scream even though my vocal chords aren't exactly designed for it.
You know, mused Dundee. That's a very good question. As far as I know ...
...TRACK SOME OF THESE THINGS DOWN - WE CAN BECOME THE NEW ATTENBOROUGHS. WE CAN FIND THESE PYRAGATORS AND DISCOVER ONCE AND FOR ALL WHAT THEY TASTE LIKE.I don't think David Attenborough became famous for eating the animals he documented, said Des, but it was too late. Baz had climbed up on one of the rough wooden tables and started to scream at the top of his voice.
It was at that point that a window banged open in a nearby shed and a man in pyjamas stuck his head out.
WILL YOU SHUT UP! he shouted, rivalling even Baz in loudness. THERE'S PEOPLE TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP HERE!
Francis looked at the man and remarked. Well, he's certainly repulsive-looking but I see no signs of him reproducing.
I heard that! muttered the man ominously. He ducked back inside and reappeared with what looked suspiciously like a World War II anti-tank gun.
If you don't ...
leave me to get back on the job, I'm gonna introduce you to me Anti Sylvia Tank - an' you don't wanna meet her, I warn you.""Then let's leave, and quickly," suggested Diana. Remember, I told you we're in the basin of the Amanoco River at present. Now, if you want the other 'un, the Orinazon River, that's just on the other side of this junglified hill."
"My but that's extremely convenient," said Baz. "Too convenient not to take advantage of it. Then we can scream to our hearts' desire."
"Come on, then," said Des. "Last one over the hill's a...
... hillock.What was that?
I said 'hillock'.
Oh, I thought ...
...you said 'Cillit'. Which reminds me, we're running low.''We're also starving' Diana reminded them, if we don't eat soon I won't be responsible for the..
... noises my stomach makes.I wondered what that sound was, sniggered Crocky. I thought we were about to be ...
SCREAM JUST YET.Will you stop shouting! hissed Des. Whatever it is we don't want it to know we are here.
Sorry, said Baz more quietly.
You know, ventured Francis. I know I'm only a mule but ... couldn't it be that ... you know ... the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal might not be an urban myth after all?
The adventurers looked at each other apprehensively. Then they looked upwards again.
This was a bad move because at that very moment ...
...what I think it is?I'm afraid so.
What the heck could ...
... capacity for drink. Do you suppose ...
.. that we should move away a little bit?Well we're already soaked so I don't see why there's any point in mov... Oh, wait a moment ...
Aaargh ...
... supposed to do now?Well, said Dez. I think we'll be safe for at least an hour.
I AGREE, said Baz. WE COULD ALL USE A SHOWER!
Shouldn't we eat first? asked Diana as her stomach rumbled.
I don't think so, said Dez. You do realize we have a raveneous bugblatter beast on our trail?!
That's true, said David Attenborough, but bugblatter beasts are omnivores, so it's all good. Did I ever tell you about the time I ...
Yes we know, said Francis. Now, what can you tell us about pyrogators?
Well, said David, If you run into pyrogators you're all...
,,,going to be delighted. People find them superficially rather unattractive, but they have lovely personalities, very loving. They make delightful pets'Diana stared at the naturalist. 'It's lovely to meet you, Sir David, but where did you spring from? Are we still hallucinating?'
Sir David flashed his famous boyish...
... smile and said, Pyrogators are real, even though PBS fired me for making up stuff. Nevertheless, I stand by my stand on Pyrogators in the Wild. And, I'm going to write a book about them, which you all should buy if you ever return to civilization, because I really need the money to...
..keep flowing in.'You misunderstand me' said Diana patiently, 'I'm not doubting the existence of pyrogators, just wondering whether or not you are real.You just appeared from nowhere. Oh well, never mind, we're not getting any more fragrant standing here chatting. I vote we all have a dip in the river to get rid of all this...
... muck.As they walked toward the river, David Attenborough described how he had been filming the Bugblatter from his well-concealed hide. The others had turned up and prompted the beast to use its natural (and very effective) defence mechanism.
Diana found herself listening raptly to the voice of the man walking next to her - he was hypnotic and fascinating at the same time. The animals walked behind entranced as though following the pied piper.
Barry and Desmond looked on somewhat disgruntled.
I don't know, said Des. He just turns up and suddenly he's the centre of attention. He must be 90 if he's a day.
Well, said Barry, keeping his voice low. You're not exactly a spring chicken yourself. I should have thought a well-set-up young ... well young-ish fellow like me ...
..would have more appeal''Sir David has the advantage of age and wisdom, and not being covered in Bugblatter guano ' Des pointed out.
They arrived at the river bank, and all, with the exception of the twinkly nonagenarian naturalist, plunged thankfully in, clothes and all. Soon they were ..
....feeling clean and refreshed and starting to clamber out, when Des caught his leg on some sort of....
Great! said Dez. Now what are we supposed to do? THE SKY IS BLUE? said Barry. Grrrr.... said Diana. Now we must...