Amazon exiles discussion
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Carry On up the Amazon
...get the hand drill from my pouch and start boring holes in the wall.''Boring?' asked Desmond.
'Very!' replied Diana. 'Anyone would find it so, if they were stuck half in and half out of this air vent.'
'Well,' suggested Baz, 'why not let us smear grease over...
your legs at least.You touch my legs and I'll kick your teeth out! was the reply. Just pull me out for god's sake. Once I'm out I can smear myself with grease if I think it's going to do any good.
The two scantily dressed men grabbed a foot each and pulled heartily. There was a tearing noise and a large section of ...
..the wall round the air vent crashed into the room. It was an outside wall, and the resultant hole was big enough for everyone to get through. The lads gave Diana's legs another yank and she was free, along with another portion of the wall. Without further ado...
Desmond scooped up Rocky the raccoon and they all ran for the stable where Francis the mule was tied up.WHAT ABOUT OUR CLOTHES? said Baz.
Keep your voice down! Do you want them to know we've escaped? hissed Diana. We'll worry about your clothes later. For now let's release Francis and get out of here ASAP.
What's ASAP? asked Des innocently.
I know! said Baz. It ...
..means As Silently As the P in the psychology, and we may have to use psychology if Johnny and Orinoco Flo...
find out that...Look out, they're coming! interrupted Des.
And indeed they were. Johnny was running ahead looking very angry indeed and Flo, still with her deceptively motherly look had gathered up her skirts and was not far behind.
You've broken our bliddy wall! shouted Johnny, and believe me you're going to pay. Oh yes you're going to pay alright!
An evil smirk spread across his grimy face.
Quick, get in the stable! shouted Diana. Baz, you be ready with your Cillit Bang. Des, you look after the animals. I'll be ready with a nasty surprise for mister Johnny bliddy Fishbourne.
So saying, she ...
..drew her hand drill and pointed it steadily at the rapidly advancing pair.'Take one step nearer and I'll bore you to death' she cried defiantly.
Johnny faltered, but Flo urged him on 'It isn't charged, she's bluffing' she scoffed.
'Maybe it isn't, and maybe it is' retorted Diana 'Do you feel lucky, punks?'
Johnny and Flo...
stopped. Johnny peered shortsightedly at the drill.I think it's got a bit in it Ma, he muttered. We better be careful.
Ha, that's only a wood-drill-bit! exclaimed Flo. I recognise it, it's a Screwfix 6-millimetre brad-point they're rubbish!
Triumphantly she drew out ...
... her Bosch Cordless Drill Instruction Manual . 'I'll show you'. While the two were searching the index for the relevant page, Diana turned to the barn, 'Quick' she hissed, 'everyone back to the canoe.'
In two shakes of a racoon's tail...
they had all escaped by the back door and soon found the canoe just as they had left it. Attached to it was a printed note in a plastic cover.It said ...
'Penalty Notice. This vehicle has been parked without permission and is liable to a monetary penalty. Please contact South American Parking Ltd at your earliest convenience otherwise a further penalty may accrue'.'Not worth the paper it's written on' said Diana scornfully, removing the note from its plastic cover and ripping it into tiny pieces. 'We should hang on to the plastic though, it may come in handy to...
... keep the hand drill dry if we should sink.""Why should we sink?" asked Baz in a puzzled tone.
There was along silence, filled only by a faint gurgling sound.
"Well..." said Diana at last, sheepishly, "I sort of, kind of... dropped the drill just a little bit and it seems to have sort of, kind of...
made a teensy-weensy hole in the bottom of the boat.Baz looked at his Cillit Bang but couldn't think of a way to use it for blocking up holes.
Des thought about praying for some heavenly assistance but wasn't sure the Lord had time for such mundane problems.
What about your mule dung Barry? asked Des. Do you think that could be moulded into a stopper of some sort?
Well it might, replied Barry, but I left the whole sackful in the hotel room. I'm not going back for it if that's what you're thinking.
Hold your horses folks! interjected Francis the mule. If it's mule dung you want ...
...time to eat some grass and then digest it. Nature will eventually take its course."Baz whispered to Des "Maybe if we give Francis a fright, nature will take its course anyway"
"It's an old trick..."began Des ; "We've done that one" interrupted Baz, "Now how do we.....
scare ...BOO! he shouted in his loudest shout.
Francis was completely unperturbed but Des fell backwards and over the side of the boat. Diana dropped her drill again making yet another hole.
Help! cried Desmond. I can't swim and my bible is getting wet!
Hand me your Bible, squeaked Rocky Raccoon. I'm not big enough to save you but I can save the Good Book. Desmond passed it over but lost his grip on the boat.
Then the canoe was floating downstream and slowly filling with water and Desmond seemed to have got his Tutu caught in some underwater branches.
Ow! he shouted. That hurts.
SEE YOU LATER ALLIGATOR, shouted Baz.
That's not funny, spluttered Desmond who was desperately trying to free himself.
At that moment ...
there came an uneven-sounding grumbling and popping noise from a poorly-maintained engine as there came around a bend in the river a craft which might have been a boat had it been possible to see it through the thick clouds of black fumes shrouding it. "Hurray! We're saved!" shouted Baz in relief, only to find Rocky's tail covering his mouth as Rocky hissed "Sshhh, how do you know it's not Flo and Johnny?"
Baz was choking on tail fur, unable to reply but just as he was feeling on the point of suffocation, Diana grabbed Rocky, exclaiming in delight, "It's all right, I know these girls, they're ...
from OBRARS, the Orinoco Boat Repair and Recovery Service. See that crane on the back of their craft? They'll be able to tow us or even lift us out of the water!Ahoy there! shouted Diana.
Ahoy! was the reply. What seems to be the trouble? Oh hi Diana, haven't seen you for a while, how are things?
Not great I'm afraid. We seem to be sinking and we've lost someone overboard, back there in the sunken branches.
No worries! was the cheery reply. We'll ...
... soon have you sorted out.I should think they need to sort themselves out, muttered Barry. I mean, look at the state of their flipping boat.
Don't worry, said Diana. You know what the old proverb says.
No, replied Barry. What does it say?
It says ...
..beggars can't be choosers, maybe?' suggested RockyOr 'Beauty is only skin deep?' added Baz
'Many a good tune played on an old fiddle?' said Francis with an equine chuckle.
'It's all very well laughing and joking' came a voice from the reeds, but my skin is going all wrinkly, and I can't seem to get free from these sunken branches. Is there any chance...
However no-one was listening, so engrossed were they in recalling their favourite proverbs.I've got a good one, said Diana. It was told to me by mother.
"If you're up the creek without a paddle
Or on a mule without a saddle
Then ...
"..listen to this load of twaddle" finished Baz triumphantly. Diana looked cross, and a bit hurt. "That isn't it at all, Baz" she said huffily. "It goes on...
...Lest your ship refuse to float
or if your crew fall, off the boat,
...
... and if you're feeling very nervous ...... CALL THE ORINOCO BOAT REPAIR AND RECOVERY SERVICE! shouted the crew of the dilapidated motor vessel in unison as they drew alongside.
Soon ...
...with a speed and efficiency which was totally out of tune with the dilapidated state of their craft, the OBRARS crew had freed Des from his watery trap and plugged the holes in the canoe. Giddy with relief, the adventurers showered their rescuers with ...
... their sincere thanks.The problem is, Diana admitted. We're a bit short on funds so we can't really pay you.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, said Barry. IN RETURN FOR YOUR HELP I'LL CLEAN UP YOUR BOAT - IT LOOKS LIKE IT NEEDS IT!
And so it was. Barry got to work with a will and in no time at all the OBRARs boat was looking better than it had in years.
Then, waving their goodbyes ...
...one day, I was quietly...', but just at this he was interrupted by a cry from Rocky at this lookout spot atop Desmond's head - 'RAPIDS!!'The others were galvanised immediately. Or would have been if they had any idea what to do. 'What do we do ?' cried Desmond, wringing his hands.
As usual, Diana took charge. "Quick' she said briskly....
... stop panicking - you'll capsize the the boat!Since we're going upstream*, she continued, we're in no danger.
We won't be able to paddle up the rapids so so we must do what is known as 'portage'. That is to say we'll probably find a path that bypasses the rapids and we have to carry the boat for that distance along that path.
Sounds like hard work, said Des.
Not with me around! said Francis the mule. I've been waiting to do something useful. Just hitch the boat to me and I'll pull it along!
They paddled to the side of the river where there was a small clearing and, sure enough ...
____________________________________
* See post 142, first line.
;-)
...stray off the path" "Never fear' replied Francis stoutly, "I can't see ahead very well, but I can see the ground OK. Anyway, can I just point out that I offered to pull this canoe, not carry it. "
The incline was getting noticeably steeper. Diana and the animals were coping well with the extra exertion, but...
... finally, they were exhausted!Francis the talking mule said, Do you not trust me?
Well, said Diana. I trust you more than those other two jackasses.
Desmond said, Hey! I resent that remark!
Barry said, THEY SUNK THE BISMARK?
No no, said Diana. We've come through the forest and braved the rapids. It's now time for lunch.
Where shall we eat? asked Rocky Racoon. I know a great place for acorns and berries.
Barry said, OH! I LOVE BEN AND JERRYS!
Diana sighed and said, Why don't we...
... watch a little of Bear Grylls for some survival tips.She took a satellite phone out of her pouch and started googling.
My goodness, exclaimed Desmond. The amount of stuff you have in that pouch - no wonder you got stuck in the air vent!
I'M NOT AT ALL SURPRISED, whispered Barry. IT'S JUST LIKE ANY OTHER WOMAN'S HANDBAG - FULL TO BURSTING AND MOST OF THE STUFF OUT-OF-DATE OR COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT!
Diana gave him a dirty look but didn't reply.
Here we are, she said eventually. This ...
...looks interesting. It's not Bear Grylls, but it seems to be some sort of survival programme. It's called 'Love Island'. Maybe we'll get some tips'Everyone crowded eagerly round the phone to watch. They soon fell silent, apart from some embarrassed coughing from Des.
Eventually Diana spoke 'Well that was....
...interesting ... but it didn't seem to offer much in the way of survival tips.' 'NO, BUT I'D LIKE TO HAVE ANOTHER LOOK AT THAT BIT WHERE ...'
'No time,' interrupted Des hastily, 'we're all far too hungry to waste time on ... ' he broke off, overcome by a fit of coughing.
'It's ok,' said Diana, brightly, 'we can...
....STUFF EMERGING FROM' -he dropped his voice diplomatically- 'Francis' rear end'Des stifled a snort of laughter. Diana looked at the morsel in her hand; she had to admit he was right, the past 24 hours or so had done the cake no favours. She dropped it to the ground, and wiped her hands with a grimace and the hem of her cape.
'Should we follow the examples of our four-legged friends then?' she suggested.'Ive been meaning to go vegan'. The two lads...
looked at each other.Then Desmond Tutu stepped forward.
I'm game, he said. Why only the other day I remarked,
But there are other issues of justice – not only for human beings but also for the world’s other sentient creatures. The matter of the abuse and cruelty we inflict on other animals has to fight for our attention in what sometimes seems an already overfull moral agenda. It is vital, however, that these instances of injustice not be overlooked.
I have seen firsthand how injustice gets overlooked when the victims are powerless or vulnerable, when they have no one to speak up for them and no means of representing themselves to a higher authority. Animals are in precisely that position. Unless we are mindful of their interests and speak out loudly on their behalf, abuse and cruelty go unchallenged.
BLIMEY, said Barry. THAT WAS A MOUTHFUL! DOES THAT MEAN YOU AGREE WITH DI?
I'm willing to give it a go, replied Des. Why don't we see if we can find some of that bread-like fruit we found the other day?
So, ignoring all the rules about adventurers not splitting up in case something should befall one of them, our explorers headed off into the forest in separate directions.
Francis the talking mule shook his head and then trotted after his long-time companion Barry Scott of Cillit Bang fame.
No sooner had they disappeared from the path than slinking along it came ...
ANYONE GOT ANY LOO ROLL?The crocodile stopped and sniffed.
Then it ...
....pondered aloud: 'Mule dung? Crocodile Dundee Cake? No, it's neither of those. It smells more like...
Cillit Bang. I remember my mammy cleaning my teeth when we lived in Alabama. Wish I could....
... crocodile Mammy.The croc began to shed copious crocodile tears and broke into song.
I'd walk a million miles
For your crocodile smiles,
My Mammy!
WHAT'S THAT APPALLING RACKET? shouted Baz. IS THAT YOU DES?
There was no reply but ...
...the crocodile looked hurt, and stopped singing. 'I'd have you know that back home I was the lead singer in The Alabama Snakes' he said with an ominous sweep of his scaly tail.
'But you're not a..' began Diana, then thought better of it when she saw the dangerous gleam in the creature's yellow eyes. 'Jolly good' she said heartily. 'Now then , we must be on...
..some kind of hallucinogenic drug. All these talking animals - I've never ...
... thought to land in a Dr Dolittle experience. You must be one of the star attractions?' she flattered shamelessly. The crocodile was not immune and blushed a little, turning its head to one side and looking down modestly, "Well, to be honest, I don't know anything about any doctor, but I do have a bit if a reputation as...
... you will soon find out if you follow me down to the river.The crocodile grinned beguilingly.
Well, thanks for the invitation, Diana said hurriedly. But ...
... I really need to wash my hair tonight and Des has all our toiletries in his care. Cleanliness is next to godliness, you know.'The crocodile, in spite of spending so much time in the water, had never felt remotely godly in its life and didn't understand the allusion, but was feeling rather peckish after its last meal (a rather stringy old buck, easily caught).
'Oh, but you look perfect as you are,' it lied shamelessly. 'Do come and have a bite with me.'
Diana suddenly noticed that it had been edging closer as it spoke and looked uneasily around for a weapon or, failing that, a distraction. Fortunately...
..away in the middle of the night without a word. And what's more, she took my watch."The crocodile almost smiled."Didn't know you wore a watch".
"I don't as a rule" mumbled Rocky through a mouthful of acorn, "This one just happened to come my way, if you get my meaning. Anyway, I'm hoping this lot" - he waved his tail in the direction of the others, who had now reassembled- "can help me find the minx. Are you coming? Could be a laugh."
"Crocky and Rocky, eh?". Des had been listening quietly to this discourse. "You could be on stage".
"Funny you should say that" answered....
...Rocky, 'We did a few open mic nights at the Scales 'n' Fur club but the fur fetishists wanted to get too close to me and the fashionistas kept trying to lure Crocky into a trap.'"Yes', added Crocky, sadly 'I hoped at first they were after my body but they really wanted handbags...'
'Shame! Perhaps you could try at a different venue, one where there was a...
..name less likely to attract fetishists and fashionistas 'Scales n Fur' is asking for trouble'. Francis coughed politely. 'Can we get back to the matter in hand? May I remind you all that we are attempting to bypass the rapids by way of this useful path. Does anyone have any....
idea how heavy this boat is getting?Come on everyone! said Diana decisively. We can talk as we walk.
The companions continued along the path. The sight of what appeared to be a four-legged boat leading a caped superhero, a bishop, a Raccoon a crocodile and a rather ordinary looking man, was enough to cause an Orinoco Goose flying overhead to blink twice before believing her eyes.
Before long the party crested a rise and at last were rewarded with the sight ...
..of another rise. It's always the way when you climb a hill. They toiled resignedly onwards and upwards, until at last they reached the top of the rapids. "We'd better walk on a little bit further' opined Diana, "we don't want to...
...get swept back to the start so that Francis has to carry the canoe back up.' "I'm not carrying that canoe anywhere without a square meal and a long sleep,' said Francis fiercely. 'Do you lot have any conscience at all? I've a good mind to...' Hastily Des intervened 'We all appreciate your sterling efforts, don't we, everyone?'
'You're a hero', agreed Rocky, somewhat abashed, slapping the mule encouragingly on the rump. Unfortunately, this gesture was so unexpected that...
They hurried back into the bathroom where Rocky Raccoon was lying exhausted on the floor having defeated the animated loo roll in a fair fight. All that could be seen of Diana was a pair of shapely legs sticking out of the air-vent. She had got stuck whilst trying to wriggle through.
Er hello Diana, ventured Desmond.
What the blazes are you two doing? came a muffled angry voice from within the vent. For goodness' sake get me out of here, and who was that talking just now?
That was Johnny, they both volunteered at once. He was bringing us some soup.
Well why didn't you overpower him you idiots?
Des and Baz looked at each other.
YES, said Baz frowning accusingly at Des, WHY DIDN'T YOU?
Me? replied Des, I'm a man of God.
SO? said Baz. WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES THAT MAKE?
Well, if he struck me, I'd have to turn the other cheek, returned Des. That's why I'm not much good in a fight. In any case Baz, why didn't you overpower him?
Barry turned red and hesitated.
Well, he said more quietly. If I'd been holding my Cillit Bang at the time I'd have sprayed him in the eyes with it and that would have finished him - Yes it would!
The trouble is, he continued. Without my CB I'm a bit of a coward really - always have been.
Des nodded sympathetically.
Don't worry Diana, said Des. We have a plan.
Oh yes, and what's that?
Well, we're planning to smother you in watercress soup and then...
Are you completely crazy? shouted the muffled Diana, If you don't come up with something sensible I'm going to ...