Amazon exiles discussion
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Carry On up the Amazon
... a great wind! It ripped the lasso from Diana's hand and encircled a rock. Diana blushed and said, I meant to do that. The crocodile grinned and said, Later Gators! and slid back into the swamp.Desmond said, Great! Now what are we going to have for lunch?! Barry said, Why don't we...
open our lunchboxes that we prepared earlier and nosh down on our breadfruit sandwiches?"DIANA!" whispered Barry with a leer "WANT SOME OF MINE?"
Diana pretended not to hear his single-entendre.
"No thanks" she said in her quiet voice, "I'm dieting - how do you think I keep this lithe figure?"
"FAIR ENOUGH" said Barry "IN THAT CASE ..."
"However ..." interrupted Diana "I will share some of Desmond's."
"Heaven help us" muttered Desmond with a wry grin, "I've heard ...
...of bishop's move, but this is....."
... extremely annoying! said Desmond. I think Barry has a hearing problem.WHAT? said Barry. I DON'T HAVE A HEARING PROBLEM. I JUST LIKE TO TALK REALLY LOUD AND USE EXTRANEOUS EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!
Well, said Desmond. That explains a lot.
Enough! said Diana. Why don't we...
tow him behind the canoe at a fair distance. That way his voice won't sound so loud and ...
... maybe the crocodile will eat him, and then we can...
share his sandwiches between us.But, objected Des, I'm not sure my religious beliefs ...
...allow me to eat sandwiches. I can check in the book in the drawer when we get to the Travelodge. By the way, what happened to...
... all the mule dung?""I'm saving it", said Barry in a quieter voice. He had realised that too much shouting was going to get him into trouble. He wasn't sure how long he could keep it up (or rather down) but the thought of being a crocodile's lunch was enough for the moment.
What on Earth for? enquired Desmond, puzzled.
"WELL, ahem, I mean well", replied Barry, checking himself "Mule dung has many uses, for example ...
..I was reading this article in the Telegraph:https://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/t...
and I thought maybe I should hang on to it." Baz blushed to the roots of his....
...read the Telegraph? More of a Guardian man myself""No surprise there", Barry retorted 'You lefties are all,....
wiping my bum.""That's far too much information!" said Diana, with a disapproving frown, and she handed him the paddle. "Your turn I think."
Suitably chastened, Des put his back into driving the canoe forward.
"YOU KNOW", said Barry, "I mean, You know - when we went through that portal a while back, well we're definitely somewhere else. Are we even on the Amazon any more?"
"We-e-ell" said Diana "I think you'll find that ...
........we’ve just passed a recycling plant, so this must be the Orinoco and, if I’m not mistaken, that’s.......
a Travelodge nestling among the trees.Hurrah! shouted a jubilant Desmond. Now I can find the book of instructions that was left there for me by the Lord.
At this point the mule, who was thoroughly fed up with being stuck in a canoe and repeatedly threatened by crocodiles, not to mention being stalked by Barry every time he had a call of nature, decided that it was time to ...
....declare himself. "My name is Francis" he said in a surprisingly pleasing baritone. My grandfather was the famous Francis the Talking Mule. Older members of the crew of this craft may remember him." " Of course" gasped Desmond. "I knew you reminded me of someone. But how on earth.....
...that book in my saddlebag? It's all in there. It's my autobiography you know. Would you like to take a look?Desmond extracted the heavy book and scanned it doubtfully. It rivalled War and Peace, at least in the number of words.
Well, he said tactfully. I'm sure it will make good bedtime reading when we're at the Travelodge. With that he replaced the book and returned to paddling.
As they conversed, the prow of the canoe bumped gently into the jetty belonging to the Travelodge. Barry tied up and, one-by-one the travellers stepped ashore, stretching their limbs and ...
....looking eagerly around. They walked up the overgrown path towards the Travelodge. Just as they got there, the door was opened by a small, motherly looking woman, smiling warmly.
"Welcome to the Orinoco Travelodge!" she said " I'm the proprietor of this establishment, Mrs Florence Fishbourne, but most people just call me Orinoco Flo. Are you looking for rooms?"
"As a matter of fact" responded Diana "we were just....
looking for a single room to share. You see we are short of funds. I'll have the bed of course and the others can sleep on the floor."Mrs Fishbourne looked doubtful, "I'm not too sure about the mule" she said, we're more set up for humans. However there is a very comfortable stable at the back - Johnny!
A harassed-looking young man appeared, wiping his hands on a piece of old sacking. He had unruly hair and wore an old pair of jeans with a check shirt and lace-up boots.
"Yes mother" he said " ...
I have a first in Psycho-linguistics and Equine Studies. Two halves don't make a whole, said Johnny dismissively and somewhat enigmatically. Anyway I'll see to you when I've settled these folks into their dunge..., into their room.
So saying he ...
Shouldn't we be inside the room? enquired Baz.I just noticed that I've got to clear up some ... er ... bits and pieces left by the previous occupants, replied Johnny. Meanwhile come and sit in the lounge. But don't disturb granny - she's fast asleep.
The trio entered the room. There was a slight musty smell and a few flies buzzed around a high-backed armchair facing away from them but the view was pleasant enough with windows opening onto the surrounding greenery.
Do any of the rooms have a drawer with a book inside? enquired Des.
Not as far as I know, replied Johnny, but there are some magazines in the ahem rack over there.
The magazine rack was an odd looking ...
....rectangular wooden structure with a sort of ratchet at one end. On the wall behind it was a framed cross stitch motto which declared 'A Boy's Best Friend is His Mother'.The selection of magazines was less than inspiring - a two year old edition of 'Taxidermy Weekly' and a few ....
......copies of ‘The Butcher’ including a guide to offal, with a free gift of........
a hand with the cleaning.Barry walked over to the magazine rack and ran his finger along the frame.
Hmm ... a little dusty, he said. I don't think ...
...jacket?Diana complied with his request, and he set about the rack with a will. "Try not to make too much noise" she cautioned him, nodding towards the chair by the window, "You and that Cillit Bang would waken the dead".
"Talking of which" said Des....
... I'm dead sure that my book will be around here somewhere."By now Johnny had left and Desmond began looking around the room, taking care not to disturb the figure in the armchair.
Ooh look! he uttered softly, there's a small black book here in the corner. It's a bible and there's a bookmark.
Opening the bible at the bookmark, he noticed that some of the text was encircled with pencil. He began to read ...
...."Rocky Racoon checked into his room, only to find Gideon's Bible"He looked thoughtful. These were familiar words, but he couldn't quite place them. Then he noticed that they were not part of the original text, but had been rather carelessly pasted in.
While Des was pondering the meaning of this, Baz was polishing the rack to a lustrous shine, Johnny was getting their room ready (allegedly) ,Orinoco Flo was bonding with Francis, and Diana was...
doing her daily exercise routine: 100 pushups, 100 sit-ups, 100 squats, 100 star jumps and ...
..with no cars in it. Or indeed any form of transport. Francis concluded that they must be the only guests. "Is this your quiet season?'' he enquired politely. "It's always the quiet season since they built the highway" replied Orinoco Flo with a sad smile, "Folks just drive right past". She seemed lost in thought for a moment, but then shook her head and gestured towards the stable. "Here you are" she "I hope you'll be comfortable" With a snort of gratitude, Francis trotted in. "Our last four legged guest was very happy here" she continued. 'His name was Rocky Racoon". "When did he leave?" asked Francis, but Flo was gone.Meanwhile, back at the hotel...
Johnny had ushered the three explorers into their room and shut the door with a clang. This was followed by six grating sounds from the outside.Doesn't look too bad, said Diana, scanning the surprisingly spacious room. The decorations are a bit Spartan but I'm used to that.
She sat down on the bed - it looked remarkably like a larger version of the magazine rack in the lounge.
Not much bounce in it, she announced.
Meanwhile Baz was examining the enormous mirror that was built into one of the walls. He got out his Cillit Bang and started to polish it.
Funny, he muttered to himself. When I squint, it's almost as though I can see a ghostly image of another room behind this mirror. Oh well, probably my imagination.
Meanwhile Des, still clutching his new-found bible, ...
....looked around with a concerned expression. "Where are the other beds?" he pondered. "Bags I this one anyway" cried Diana girlishly. "You boys will just have to sleep on the floor".
Des wondered if the Good Book had any advice on the subject. If not, he could always use it as a pillow. Not quite what he had understood as the Comfort of the Lord. Sometimes he felt that his faith was being ....
tested by some unknown forces beyond his ken - or even beyond the ken of his ken.He wandered into the bathroom. It was fairly basic. There was a shower with an unusually long and retractable hose, a washbasin and of course a lavatory bowl. Opposite that there was another built-in wall mirror.
Desiring some private time for contemplation, Des locked the door and sat down to peruse his Bible.
He was still puzzled by the pasted-in text, "Rocky Racoon checked into his room, only to find Gideon's Bible" What could it mean? He noticed that there was a small '142' written just below the quotation. Curious, he turned to page 142 and was delighted to find another sticker. This time it was clearly the first line of a song and, joy, there was another number printed below. He turned to the new page to find another first line of a song. Could this be a code? What might these song lyrics all have in common? It was a puzzle.
He turned back to the second lyric, it read "...
...Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?"Well, that certainly seemed to sum up their present situation. If only he knew how Rocky Racoon fitted in. Had he (or she) been here? And then there was the next first line...perhaps his roommates could help? But Diana had fallen fast asleep on the bed, and Baz was...
hammering on the bathroom door.COME ON MATE, YOU'VE BEEN IN THERE FOR AGES!
With a sigh Des finished his meditation and washed his hands. It was after all, bedtime.
He emerged to see Diane flat out on the bed with her Wonder Woman cape spread over her. Baz had made his bed up with the contents of his back-pack. His sack of mule dung made for a warm pillow and his Cillit Bang was tucked up in its own little sleeping bag.
Des picked a spot next to the wall and started to unpack. He took an inventory of his belongings. Chief of course were his mitre and his book with the message from the Lord. He...
...wished Barry wasn't making so much noise in the bathroom as it was ruining his thought process while he stared at the prone figure of Diana underneath her Wonder Woman cape. If this woman was an Amazonian from the Amazon, now they had stepped into this parallel universe and found themselves up the Orinoco with just one paddle, were there any Orinocians from the Orinoco? Might they meet one? More to the point, what was the significance of the first line from the next song, namely...
.."A candy-coloured clown they call the sandman tiptoes to my room every night.”Des shuddered. To put it mildly (Des was good at putting things mildly) clowns made him uneasy. Especially if they were tiptoeing. He went to look out the window, then realised there wasn't one, which increased his sense of unease. He wasn't sure of the time, but he calculated that it must be...
...returned to his spot by the wall, and lay down with his head on the book. Baz was out of the bathroom and also settling down, while Diana was emitting ladylike snores from the bed. "I don't suppose I shall sleep a wink" muttered Des...Some time later he awoke with a start. He sat bolt upright - he could hear...
...Diana taking her turn in the bathroom, making some very unladylike noises. Yes, her voice had dropped several octaves and sounded very gruff as she sang lines from Bohemian Rhapsody. Des wondered if that could be pure coincidence or if it was...
merely a nightmare. He decided to ...
...join in."I see a little silhouetto of a man, Scaramouche, Scaramouche, can you do the fandango?'' he warbled really quite tunefully, executing a nifty approximation of that particular dance as he crossed the floor towards Diana. "Now tell me, my dear,, what has put that particular song in your head?"
Diana tossed her head defiantly "Wouldn't you like to....
...tell Baz to stop that racket he is making and get back to bed?Oops, sorry, said Des, I thought ...
NOT ME, interrupted Barry, grabbing his Cillit Bang. THERE'S SOMEONE IN OUR FLIPPING BATHROOM!
Okay - Leave this to me, said ...
..Diana. But Des intervened "You'd better let me go" he said, not because he was being gallant, but because he was was suspicious about Bohemian Rhapsody, and what it might mean. He crept over to the bathroom, and flung open the door. He was taken aback to find a smallish furry animal with a pointy nose, and what looked like a black mask. “Hi, my name’s Rocky” said the creature. “Did you get my messages?” “How did you get in here” asked Des. Like the bedroom, the bathroom had no window.
“Through the air vent” said Rocky with a chuckle “I’m very flexible”.
"So you wrote those cryptic quotes" said Des.
"It was a warning to whoever came here after me" replied Rocky. You now know about me getting here and discovering the bible, and you realise what I mean about this being more like a fantasy than real life. Now if you don't want to find out about the candy-coloured clown at first hand, I suggest you make a sharp exit"
"But how?" interrupted Baz who has joined them.
"Leave it to me" Rocky said with a wink, and with a swish of his stripey tail...
.. he climbed into the vent.Follow me! he said cheerily.
Um ... well, I suppose at a pinch that Diana might get through that or maybe not, but there's no chance of me or Baz squeezing through.
Diana,what do you think? Could you make it through?
Diana scrutinised the small aperture carefully. Well, I was very good at gymnastics at school, she mused.
If we put the toilet lid down, said ...
a voice in the darkness. "Do you think it will help?" asked Baz, doubtfully. "You got a better idea?" challenged the voice, from a different direction.
"Who's that? Is it you, Des? Why's it gone so dark in here?"
Baz groped his way forward, giving a sudden shriek as..
his hand met something round and soft .Oi, watch it! said Diana's voice.
Someone put the light back on! he shouted in panic. I'm a man of God!
No-one did put the light back on but Des realised that he could vaguely see the others moving about owing to an eerie glow emanating from the walls. The first thing he realised was that he had grasped a loo roll that was in Diana's hand. Oddly it seemed to have a life of its own.
Most unsettling however was the sight of Rocky the Raccoon lying on the floor grappling with yet another loo roll. The loo roll appeared to be winning. More of the things were emerging from the air-vent like bats from a cave.
Damn these things, shouted Baz. The room is full of ...
...flying loo rolls. I 've just caught one of the perishers. Anyone else got one?''Are you sure it's a loo roll, Baz?' asked the voice in the dark. 'I've heard Orinoco Travel Lodges are prone to attacks from...
cylindrical vampire bats.DON'T BE DAFT, shouted Barry, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! IN ANY CASE, WHO'S THAT TALKING?
It's me, said a surprisingly pleasing baritone voice. It's Francis the mule. I'm speaking through the air vent in my stable - it seems to act as a perfectly good speaking-tube. How are things? Did Rocky find you alright - he seems to be a lovely fellow.
At this moment ...
...Johnny slid back the bolts on the heavy door leading to the guest rooms. It was lunchtime and he carried a tray of bowls of very thin, Orinoco watercress soup. As he shuffled along the corridor between the rooms, he was singing:"Mamma, I just killed a man. Put my gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he's dea-ead..."
"Oh, Dear Lor," gasped Desmond. "Johnny is approaching. Quick, tell Diana to get her tutu back in here before he discovers our escape route."
Baz appealed to Diana to slither back into their room, but all that came from the air vent was...
...to collect the bowls shortly. Be good" And with an unpleasant smirk he left, bolting the door behind him. Des and Baz eyed the watercress soup with distaste, and not a little suspicion. "Probably poisoned" muttered Baz disconsolately, "and look at all the grease floating on the top. Who makes greasy watercress soup?"
Des snapped his fingers "That gives me an idea" he exclaImed "We could smear ourselves in it, and then we could maybe slide into the air vent"
"It's an old trick, but it just might work" replied Baz enthusiastically. Des wondered if he was being sarcastic, but apparently not, as Baz was now divesting himself of his garments. "Come on, don't be shy, there's no time to waste!"
In no time at all...
Princess Diana said, I shall save him! I'll just wrap my golden lasso around him and...