Amazon exiles discussion
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Carry On up the Amazon
...hand sanitizer in it? It could be useful if we have to do any communal swinging from tree vine creepers.""Swinging?" queried Barry. "Now you're talking - although a bit difficult if we have to exercise social distancing."
"There's plenty of space in the Amazon if we have to do social distancing," said Beryl. "We could grab a tree each."
"Hee, haw," uttered Francis, resorting back to his native tongue. "Grab? Are you trying to turn us all into a bunch of tree huggers?"
"Och, ah would prefer te hug one o' the monkeys, meself," said Crocky. "Aroond the throat. We need te get oor supplies back. What d'ye say we go chase after the perishers, eh?"
"And try locating the King of the Swingers?" asked Rocky.
"Aye, we could trade him oor supplies for the secret o' fire. Has anyone got a...
... match?I don't, said Dr Whom. I quit smoking after I divorced my 5th good for nothing couldn't keep his Johnson in his pants if his shoes were on fire ex-husband.
Good job quitting smoking! said Princess Diana. It's not very lady-like.
Thanks! said Dr Whom as she spit out a huge wad of slimy chewing tobacco.
I don't have any matches either, said Rocky. My late Uncle Rocker told me that smoking was bad for me just before he was killed when his Still exploded.
Sorry, said Francis. I don't carry matches anymore because I don't have any pocketsess to put them in.
What happened to your backpack? asked Desmond.
I lent it to Barry, said Francis. And never got it back!
Well, sputtered Barry. I was going to return it but it was covered in parrot poop and I wanted to clean it first but then the monkeys came and took my Cillit Bang and now I don't have any more!
*Good shootin! said Marco. Thanks! said Gusto, Squawky, and Mackey*
I don't have any matches either, said Sir David. But I do have a gold lighter that was awarded to me for my award-winning documentary about "Why People Want Awards".
Weel geev it ta flick then, said Crocky.
Sir David snapped his lighter open but nothing happened.
Well hell, said Beryl. It seems that somebody has taken the flick out of the quick from your Bic.
Sir David shook it and said, It's empty!
Er... said Dr Whom. We sorta used the last of your lighter fluid to jump-start the Target.
No wurries, said Beryl. I wuzn't the assisstant to the assisstant manager of ASDA for nuthing. Alls we have to do is find the van and we'll have everythings we need!
Gee, said Francis to Beryl. I thought when we got back to the Amazon you were speaking proper English again.
Beryl glared at Francis and said, I is!
Suddenly, the King of the Swingers swung over The Travellers and...
...showered them with fire lighting papers. As they slowly fluttered down around them, Barry plucked one from the air."Hey, these are information leaflets that the monkeys have got their mitts on. Wonder what happened to the leaflet deliverer who chose this corner of the Amazon to try delivering them?"
"Well, come on then, Baz, what do the leaflet sez, eh?" asked Beryl.
"It sez, er, I mean says, the lock up due to Verona Virus, or whatever it did say on the bit missing from this leaflet, is being wound down, and it says that toilet rolls and Cillit Bang are now readily available from Monkey Palace."
"Och, I'm noo surprised aboot that, hen," said Crocodile Dundee. "They obviously have loads of supplies 'cos they nabbed 'em all from us, d'ye ken!"
"They can't have used many loo rolls since stealing them, then," said Diana. "Mind you, I've been glad of the large-leafed bumyum bush while we've been trapped here in this tall tale for the past 4 months."
"Yup, it's got quite soothing qualities, hasn't it," agreed Francis, even though I find it difficult to use the leaves properly with my hooves. I sort of have to, you know, lower myself and sort of... wiggle my rear end on them."
"Wot?" asked Rocky. "You mean you leave your used leaves on the bush?"
"Dear, oh, dear," said Desmond, "I have found the shape of the Bumyum leaves double up as suitable food plates. Tell me, Francis, for how long have you been performing this wiggling routine?"
"That reminds me of the award-winning documentary I once made on the Bumyum Bush," said Sir David, wistfully. "Do you know, one of the local Amazon tribes use the leaves to cover their dangly bits?"
"I don't think we want to know, Sir David," Diana told him. "I'm more concerned about all the leaves I have picked to boil up to make...
... soup.Good lords-a-leapin'! said Dr Whom. Do you mean to say we've all been eating...
Oh no, groaned Desmond. It's... Bumyum Stew!
Well, said Beryl as she took another sip. We may get Bocciballulism, but at least we don't have the Rona!
That IS good news, said Barry. But shouldn't we be wearing face masks just in case?
Nah, said Crocky. I heard ye can only git the Rona iffin ye touch ye cuzzin when her granny ain't lookin.
No no, said Princess Diana. You can only get the Rona if you consort with unconsortables.
That's utter rubbish! said Sir David. Science has proven that you can only get the Rona if you voted for the wrong party in the last election.
Beryl said, I once dated a guy called Rona when I was Assistant to the Assistant Manager's Assistant at ASDA. He said he always used precautionaries but my other co-workers Mona and Sharona said they saw him sneeze and he didn't even wash his hands!
I'm scared, said Rocky. What do we do now?
I say we get the fluck out of town as quick as we can, said Dr Whom. She fired up The Target and set a course for the only safe place in the universe...
...namely, the hopeful planet of Vax Een, and the Target set down amidst a landscape full of needle-like rocks."If our landing has been monitored by any inhabitants," said Dr Whom, "we might be in trouble."
"Why does sez you that?" Beryl asked.
"Because a warning has appeared on my monitor that warns us there should be no more than 6 of us aboard, and we should have travelled in some sort of 'bubble', for safety."
"But there ARE more than 6 of us," Francis advised, "and we travelled in the Target, not within a bubble."
"Gonna die, gonna die!" squawked Gusto.
"Hoots! How about we eject 4, wee parrots to help reduce oor number?" suggested Crocky. "They could test how breathable the atmosphere is for us at the same time, ye ken."
"I suggest we leave in 2 groups," Barry said. "That will make us look as if we are obeying their rules."
"It also says here on my monitor, that we should not go outside unless it is urgent," the Doctor advised further.
"We can't stay here indefinitely," Diana moaned. "The lavatory, sorry, I mean the amenities, need to be emptied."
"Does that count as doing 'work'?" Rocky asked. "I'll bet we're allowed out if it is to do work."
Dr Whom read the warning on her screen further. "It says here, if possible,we need to do any work from home."
"Och, we would be working from home if we are to be emptyin' tha' can, ye ken," Crocky said, "but surely it has t'be emptied ootside."
"Heavens! I thought you used neutralising pellets before emptying it," said Archbishop Desmond. "I'll say a prayer for whoever is chosen to do the job."
"I think it's your turn to do it, pal," Barry advised, "so get down on your knees, and put the rubber gloves on."
"That reminds me of an award-winning documentary I once made as a young man," said Sir David.
"What was that on?" Diana asked, unsure if she should encourage him. "Mobile lavat... I mean, amenities?"
"No, rubber gloves," David replied, "especially those ones with long arms included for examining cattle and certain humans... oh, and parrots."
"Squawk!" said Gusto.
"Double squawk!" said Mackey.
"Gonna be sore!" said Marco.
"Gonna die - painfully!" squawked Squawky.
"Hee haw!" laughed Francis.
"Er, I don't want to worry you guys," warned Barry, "but you ought to see what I can see through the window."
Diana looked herself. "What's that coming over the hill?" she asked...
The Travelers watched in awe as hundreds and hundreds of candy bars came sliding down the hill and gently rolled to a stop under the boughs of an ancient Weeping Willow tree.Oh my!... gasped Princess Diana.
Are those?... gasped Rocky.
Could it be?... gasped Francis.
Tis too good ta be troo!... gasped Crocky.
I think I'm gonna cry... gasped Barry.
In my highly educated and self-esteemed opinion... gasped Sir David.
Holy (expletive!) gasped Desmond.
You people sure are gassy today, said Beryl.
Hmmm, said a very suspicious Dr Whom (some call her paranoid but not to her face). Hold on a minute. It may be a tra...
But before the good doctor could finish her warning, Beryl shouted, Yes! It's... it's... it's Twix candy bars! Then all of the Travelers ran towards the Weeping Willow tree and leapt atop the pile of chocolatey cookie and caramel goodness. But just as they were in reach, the Weeping Willow stretched out its willows, scooped up the Travelers, and bound them all in its branches.
Told ya it was a trap, said Dr Whom, who stood just outside the circle munching on a stray Twix bar. But did anybody listen?!
Our bad, said an embarrassed Beryl. But how do we get down?
Well, said Dr Whom, as she flossed and brushed her teeth with a travel-size toothbrush (because candy causes cavities and The Target doesn't offer a dental plan) I suspect it's up to THOSE guys.
The entrapped Travelers peeked out between the branches and saw dozens of soldiers wearing face masks marching 6 feet apart down the hill. They carried a sword in one hand, a bottle of hand sanitizer in another hand, a roll of paper towels in another hand, and a bottle of Cillit Bang in another hand. (Barry wept with joy)
Jeepers, said Beryl. Those guys sure are handy. Reminds me of a blind date I once had with my bestest friend's brother's roomie...
Halt! said the Captain of the Vaxxers. No one may enter Planet Vax Een without an invitation and a Certificate of Inoculation !
Ha! snorted Beryl. That's what I told my bestest friend's brother's roomie.
Who are you and state your business! demanded the Captain.
Dr Whom said, Sorry, Bub. We are misplaced Travelers and had to make a quick exit from Planet Earth because there were no more essential items to be found on any shelves in any stores anywhere across the globe.
Noooo! gasped the Vax Eens.
And no hair care products! cried Diana.
Horrifying! gasped the VE.
And no new clothes! cried Desmond.
Inconceivable! gasped the VE.
And no pickles! cried Rocky.
Barbaric! gasped the VE.
Wowza, said Beryl. This planet sure is gassy. We shood feel right ats home!
Not so fast! said the Captain. First, you must go through a complete examination, rigorous training in PPE's, and sign a waiver for our mandatory Vaxeenation.
Dr Whom raised an eyebrow and said, What exactly are we waiving?
Simple, said the Captain as he rolled out a 1000 sheet roll of Sir Walter Scott toilet paper. It's all written very clearly right here on the WAFFLE.
Oooh waffles, said The Travelers with visions of melted butter and maple syrup.
Not THOSE waffles, said the Captain. It's the WAFFLE (Wad of Avoiding Fatal or Frivolous Lawsuit Entrapment). Just sign at the bottom and you're in!
Dr Whom put on her reading glasses, then her bifocals, then a magnifying glass, then a pair of binoculars, then got a telescope out of The Target's trunk and began to read the fine print...
..."To whomsoever readeth this, sign in triplicate on the dotted line, or you are screwed. However, if you do not sign in singlicate, duplicate or triplicate, you are still screwed. In fact, from the moment you landed and managed to avoid the needle-like rocks, you were screwed anyway.""Er, is there not any way we can escape being screwed?" asked Baz.
"Only if you leave before General Vax Kleener gets here," the Captain advised.
"But we wuz hopping to stay hear for Chrissimusses," Beryl advised. I beeleave it's only a few more daze away. Does you celebate it?"
"Chrissimusses?" asked the Captain. "We don't recognise a festival with that name. We do, however, have a festive season called...
... Coronapalooza! It starts on the first day of Vaxember, when all of the villagers gather together in the town square, make a huge bonfire out of facemasks and rubber gloves, hold hands and stroll around and around the flames singing our favorite holiday song... Rockin' Around the 'Rona Tree. Then we all head to the Great Hall of Vaxuuming, and dance and sing and hug and kiss until we run out of oxygen and faint. As soon as we've been revived, we spend the entire month shopping at VAXDA, and whoever's still alive on the last day of Vexember gets all the presents! Er... said Dr Whom. That sounds... interesting. We'd love to stay but...
Prezzents! shouted Beryl. I want aponyatiaradiamondearringsanewvananewboyfriendticketstoDisneyland...
The Captain of the Vaxxers laughed and said, No problem, my dear. It can all be yours if you just sign on the dotted line.
Gimmee! said Beryl as she frantically reached for the waiver.
Don't do it! shouted Dr Whom. The Vaxeens haven't been fully tested on Earthlings yet and we don't know what side-effects they may have!
Nonsensical, huffed Beryl after she got vaxeenated. I feel perfectedly fine, jussst finnne, juuussstttffffnnn...
Uh oh, said Barry. She looks a little green around the gills.
I think she HAS gills, said Diana.
Are those wings? asked Rocky.
Aye, said Crocky. An she be growin' a tail.
And she's getting taller! said Dez.
Sir David said, I once made an award-winning documentary about... well hell, nothing like this!
Does ANYBODY ever listen to me?! grumbled Dr Whom.
SQUAWK! (she funny looking ha ha ha ha!)
Soooo, said an ominous voice coming over the hill. I see you've snagged another one, eh Captain?
Who IS that? asked Beryl as she ruffled her feathers and wagged her tail.
It's General Vax Kleener! shouted the Villagers as they all sneezed and waved their Kleenex in the air. All hail The Great Vaxxinator!!!
The General angrily glared at The Travellers and said...
..."Ensnare that new drageen, quickly, fellow Vaxxers. We will roast her when we celebrate Coronapalooza. There should be enough to go round - but if not, and to be certain, we need to get more of these visitors to sign the waiver and get vaxeenated."Some of the Vaxxens, showing a bit of bravado - because their bikini bottoms were a little too brief (thank heavens they had vaxxed) - thrust the waiver forms in front of Dr Whom.
"No, no, a thousand times no," she uttered. "Nobody here (except Beryl, as was) is dumb enough to sign one of those."
"Er, Rocky, what ye a doing of yuh wee Kranky?" asked Crocky as the racoon started to sign.
"Don't!" yelled Dr Whom. "Not before we know of an antidote. Is there one?" she asked the General.
He replied "...
...Never you mind about that, for now is celebration time! Happy Coronapalooza, everyone! Light the fires and let us roast the drageen. Save me a leg! Happy Coronapalooza!""Oh, goody!" said Francis. "A celebration is just what we need at the moment."
"Hush, Francis, you daft donkey," said Diana. "That drageen they are talking of roasting is Beryl. Don't even consider laying your dentures on her fair, erm, I mean scaly skin. We need to save her, not dip butties into her dripping!"
"We need a plan," said Desmond, "right after I have conducted the Coronapalooza Service."
"Strange you should say that," said Sir David, "...
... I once wrote an award-winning poem about Alien holiday rituals and I'd be happy to recite the first 432 lines ...Halt! shouted General Vax Kleener. This is OUR planet and we do things OUR way here! Our beloved Queen Covidia will now read a story from the holiest of holy books, The Holy Book of Plagues, Pandemics, and Profound Pestilence.
That's a great title! said Barry. How did you ever think of it?
We held a contest, said The General. The entire village coughed on each other and the last one left alive got to name it.
Ah, said Barry.
Then a hush fell over the village as Queen Covidia stood up from her throne and began to recite...
Twas the night before Covid
And all through the houses
All the creatures were dead
Even the mouses
Their stockings were hung
By the chimneys with care
To get rid of the stench
And get some fresh air
Then all of the villagers
Were snug in their kips
With visions of oxygen
And warm IV drips
And what to their wondrous
Eyes did appear?
Good ol' Saint Prick
With a shot and a beer
Bend over, bend over!
He shouted with sass
You'll get a vaxeen
Right in the ass!
You may feel a mite dizzy
Get a rash or some tingling
That sound that you're hearing
Is just your ears ringing!
And if you survive
And aren't a sore loser
I'll wish you a merry
Coronapalooza!
While the Vaxeens were cheering their Queen and clapping all 6 of their hands, Dr Whom said... We're outta here! and rushed all the travelers into The Target. Just as she was about to reset the space/time continuum, she heard a loud banging outside.
Wait! cried Beryl. I cant fits through the door! Im still a drageen and you forgot the auntydote! And my prezzents!
Dr Whom sighed, put The Target in reverse and said...
...best get out of the path of the Target's thrusters, or you're going to be a roasted drageen as sure as if the Vaxxeens had done it. I have one suggestion for you, Aunty Beryl. I have one Da-lick inoculation that has been kept frozen at -70 degrees for a millennium. I'll pass it to you, for you to hold under the thrusters' blast. If that thaws it out, stick the needle up your... well, wherever you can reach, and inject yourself. Only then can I let you on board.""Best do it quickly," advised Baz, "those Coronapalooza celebrations aren't going to last for long."
"Gimme the sur-hinge," growled Beryl. The Target door opened slightly, and the hyperdermic flew out like a dart. It landed in between two large scales on her shoulder, so Beryl tried to depress the plunger.
"I said, hold it under the thruster burners to thaw it out!" yelled Dr Whom through a speaker. "I can't keep the thrusters on idle for long, so gerra move on!"
Beryl thought about what part of her new body she could afford to lose under the burners. "My tall tale!" she yelled. She grasped the syringe by curling the end of her tail round it and...
...shoved the syringe in!Well, said Beryl as she squeezed into The Target. Thank the Goddess I gots the auntydote in ons time, but Im feelin a mite chillin.
Gee, said Francis. I hate to say this but, you're looking a little blue.
No no, said Beryl as ice crystals formed on her hair. I dont feels sad, just a littil cold is all.
Sorry Beryl, said Rocky. He means you're really blue.
I am NOT bloo! insisted Beryl as her feet began to shimmer. Im reely reely happy right now!
But Beryl, said Diana. You really are...
NOT BLOO! roared Beryl as icicles shot out of her mouth and snowballs flew out of her... other end.
Dr Whom shook her head and mumbled, Told her to heat up the Da-lick in the thrusters, but did she listen? No!
Beryl slowly but surely morphed back into her human self, other than that frozen thing, slipped and slid her way into The Target and cried, Whut do I doos now?! I cants get my old job at ASDA back if Im frostered!
I tink ye look lovely, lass, said an enamored Crocky. I's always liked ta colour blue.
I agree, said Diana trying to be optimistic. You look, umm... you're so, er... that's such a pretty shade of, ah....
She's blue! said Desmond. And why is it snowing in here?!
Poor girl! said Barry, then gleefully started to make a snowman.
I know what to do! shouted an equally excited Sir David. Does anybody have a carrot?!
Let me guess, snarked Dr Whom. You once made an award-winning documentary about how vegetables from the orange food-group offset the side-effects of alien vaxeens, right?
No! said Sir David. The snowman needs a nose!
While The Travellers were busy building a snow fort and Beryl sat shivering by the virtual fireplace, Dr Whom reset the space/time continuum to the year 200021, to go to the one place where they could possibly find an auntydote (ahem) antidote for the antidote, and sped straight towards the renowned but dreaded ice-planet called...
...Icy Eye, the chemical giant in the constellation of Corporate Major. Dr Whom brought the Target down on an ice sheet outside of what appeared to be a sizeable civilisation, with palaces topped by snowdomes and apartment blocks with windows, each with a ski slope leading to ground level. Huge monoliths made of ice crystals surrounded the collection of buildings, and then it started to snow."It looks decidedly chilly out there," Baz said. "Winter draws on, as they say."
"I've already got mine on," Beryl said, "but it don't make no differstance - I's still as cold as a polar bear's blum after it's had a sit down."
"We need to send out a party to communicate with their top brass, their main man, their leader," said the Doctor.
"Oo, I'm always up for a party," said Crocky. "Ah've missed oot on Hogmanay, so count me in."
"He-haw, he-haw he haw-ways says that," Francis croaked. "But I'll go, if you like."
"I'll go," Diana offered, "but only if you've got some thermals in one of the Target's cupboards."
"At a temperature of minus 50 outside, I reckon you'll need more than a few thermals," Sir David warned.
"Haven't you made an award-winning documentary about places of extreme low temperatures?" Baz asked.
"No," Sir David replied, "but I have...
... had my assets frozen on many occasion during my award-winning travels, so I always pack my battery-operated heated onesie just in case.Beryl grabbed the onesie out of Sir David's hands and said, MINE!
Frances grabbed an arm of the onesie and said, MINE!
Rocky grabbed the other arm of the onesie and said, MINE!
Crocky grabbed both legs of the onesie and said, TIS MINE!
Diana grabbed the crotch of the onesie, blushed and said, I'm a Princess so it's MINE!
As The Travellers were fighting over the onesie, Barry said, I think we should all take turns wearing the onesie.
Dr Whom smiled at Barry, patted him on the head and said, Such a good boy. Then she grabbed the onesie and said, MINE!
Macky, Marco, Gusto, and Squawky said SQUAWK! (OURS!) Then Marco grabbed the onesie with his beak and the parrots flew away with their prize.
Well hell, said Dr Whom . We'll just have to go on to Icy Eye and find whoever is in charge.
After several hours of searching, the half-frozen Travellers came upon a city of ice.
This is it, said a shivering Dr Whom. We are now in Frostbite Falls, the headquarters of Pfizzle, the most trusted manufacturer of antidote antidotes.
Dddooo... yoooo... thththink... he... cannn... help... usssss? asked Beryl.
Of course! said Dr Whom. All we have to do is...
Suddenly, there was a great commotion in front of the Pziffle Corporation. Hundreds of people were carrying protest signs and chanting, Down with Pfizzle! Unless you want to sizzle!
Dr Whom grabbed one of the protesters and asked what was going on.
What's going on?! cried the angry protester. Don't you know the Pfizzle makes you sizzle?! Sure it warms you up for a few days, but then turns you into a super-nova!
Nova shmova! said Beryl. I'll takes it! She ran into Pfizzle, gave herself a shot and said, I feels better alreddy!
But after a few minutes....
...as it had been a shot of Pfrisky-whisky, Beryl was feeling somewhat tiddly, exacerbated by her icy-blue condition."Shmashink, that were, but I think itsh time to find me shomethink to cure my bluesh. Help me shearch Pfizzle, you guysh - HIC!"
"You look somewhat happy, Beryl," said Rocky. "Perhaps we should all have a shot while we're here. Skol, cheers and bottoms up, and all that.'
"Schtuff the bottomsh up," Beryl replied, "and keep shtill when I'm torking two ewes - you keep goink round in shirclesh."
"As much I'd like to be as happy as Beryl appears to be," said Baz, "I think we should get out of here as soon as possible - and by the way, it's my turn to wear the onsie. There's something that looks like a large fridge, here, that's labelled 'Antidotes, manufactured by the Pfizzle Corporation."
"Then what are we waiting for?" asked Diana. "Open the thing and let's grab one."
Baz opened the fridge door and saw two compartments, each with a hinged door. One was labelled 'Sizzle Pfizzle' while the other was marked as 'Drizzle Pfizzle'. He grabbed one of each and urged the group of ne'er-do-wells to vamoose back to the Target. As Beryl staggered in a zig-zag fashion back to their means of transport, to sleep off her shot, Baz caught her unawares and jabbed her with the Drizzle.
"Och, if ye thought she needed the non-sizzle Drizzle, why did ye grab the Sizzle Pfizzle as well?" asked a pfuzzled Crocky.
"For Doctor Whom," Baz replied.
"For what reason d'ye think the lass is in need o' a Super Nova blast, mon?"
"It's not for her," Baz replied. "I thought she might be able to inject it into the fuel tank. A super nova might be just the thing to help us lose a couple of zeros and whisk us back from 200021 to 2021."
"HIC! Ish that whatsh known ash 'Fool Injectshun'?" a tipsy Beryl asked.
The onsie flew past them, with Marco inside it, and they passed a sign saying 'You are now leaving Frostbite Falls. Thank you for skating carefully.'
"That protest demonstration is in full swing," said Francis, gazing around, while his hooves struggled to grip the frozen ground. "They don't seem to think much of the Sizzle. One placard claimed it changes your DNA."
Meanwhile, Beryl appeared to have changed into a...
... a drunken fool who immediately fell sound asleep, while Dr Whom injected the Sizzle Pfizzle into The Target's fuel tank and set the Space/Time Continuum for the year 2021.Are we there yet? asked Barry.
Give it time, my boy, said Sir David. According to my award-winning calculations, we should be arriving on Earth in the year 2021 in approximately 60 seconds, as long as the good doctor set the proper course of course.
Bah! said Dr Whom. I DO know how to drive my own spaceship, you big blow-hard! See here? The STC has been programmed for the year 2021 and... uh oh.
Gonna die! Gonna die! squawked Gusto as he flew by in his turn wearing the onesie.
Problem, my dear? asked Sir David rather snarkily.
Look! cried Dez. The controls are set for 2021 but we're headed for the hottest planet in the universe!
No! gasped the Travellers. Not...
Aye, said Crocky. We be goin ta Asteroid Zenaca.
Sonofab... said Dr Whom.
Are we there yet? asked Barry.
...You know, I once had a bad case of asteroids, but fortunately, I managed to get some cooling cream from my dear doctor.""Dear doctor," Diana enquired. "So, not on your NHS, then?"
"Er, no need to pry into my relations with my doc," Barry insisted.
"Oh, relations, is it?" asked Francis. "So was the doctor your sister, mother or cousin?"
"Can we concentrate on our impending collision with this asteroid?" demanded Dr Whom. "Can somebody take a temperature reading?"
"Och, hand me a thermometer, hen, and I'll stick it up one o' me nostrils," Crocky offered.
"I don't mean YOUR temperature, you latent handbag!" the Doctor yelled. "I meant to take a reading off the control panel. Key in the target source and press 'enter'."
"I'll leave that to somebody else," said the archbishop, "while I pray for our souls."
"There's no need to insult us, Archbishop!" said Barry, who was really missing his Cillit Bang. "And you, a man of the cloth."
"We could do with a decent tailor on board," said Francis. "I reckon I'll need a new saddle blanket after we've singed everything we own on this asteroid."
"I save souls, not fabrics!" Desmond replied.
"A cobbler!" Francis said. "You should have said. Can I get my order in for 2 new pairs of shoes, now?"
"Lord save us all!" exclaimed the Doctor. "Am I really travelling with a bunch of complete...
... geniuses! I do believe you've got it!Not me, said Beryl after she finally defrosted and returned to her usual shade of hot pink. I hads it but got rids of it after I wents to that clinic and...
Not that! said Dr Whom. I mean you've all figured out how to avoid the side effects of Asteroid Zeneca. Barry, please get the last bottle of Cillit Bang and several lint-free cloths. Francis, go get the horse-shoe cobbler kit out of your backpack. Diana, we really need your jewel-encrusted princess-grade tiara. Crocky, put on your kilt and start playing the bagpipes. Rocky, rip open all the trash barrels and take out the good garbage. Sir David, search through your award-winning archives and find an extremely long-winded and overly-technical documentary about germ warfare.
What about me? asked Dez.
Dr Whom said, Hmmm... why don't you... start praying?
On it! said Dez. Oh Lord, won't you buy me, a Mercedes Bends. My friend all, drive Porches, I want one! Amen.
Good job! said Dr Whom. Now, all we have to do is combine our resources and we can conquer Asteroid Zeneca!
Butts how? asked Beryl.
Easy peasy, said Dr Whom. While you were all busy doing absolutely nothing of importance and were out of my hair, I brilliantly reset the space/time continuum to the year 2022 and completely bypassed the Rona!
Hurray! shouted The Travellers.
But just as The Target was circling Earth 2022, Barry looked out the window and said, What's that?
Sir David said, That, my boy, is... er... um... ahh... uh oh...
..it's what we in the 1960s called a blue police call box. I haven't seen one of those for... well... since the 1960s. But, what's it doing in orbit around Earth in 2022?""WHAT??!!" exclaimed Dr Whom. "There's only one person I know of who travels space in a blue police call box."
"Yes?" asked Desmond. "And who is that?"
"Precisely!" replied the Doctor. "My worthless, good-for-nothing, husband. But, why is he up here, next year, peering down on the planet?"
"Och, could he be phoning the police, hen?" asked Crocky.
"No, not in a month of ice-cream sundaes," replied the Doc.
"I wonder," suggested Baz, while fondly caressing his Cillit Bang. "Could he be...
...a she?""Pardon?" asked Dr Whom.
"Thanks for the warning," said Francis. "I'll stand downwind of whatever you've just done."
"You're one to talk," replied the Doctor. "What with your diet. I mean, why would a 'she' be in charge of the blue police box?"
"Well, was your husband a 'he', previously?" asked Barry.
"Of course he was," the Doc told him. "Otherwise he'd be my wife, wouldn't he - or rather 'she'."
"Och, could the owner of the blue box be, y'know, a bit o' both?" asked Crocky.
"A bit of both what?" asked Beryl.
"Squawk! A bit of human and a bit of parrot! Squawked Gusto. "Accounts for her blue and pink-coloured hair!"
"Och!" exclaimed Crocky, swishing his tail from side to side, "I mean could they be a bit o'...
...y'know, both ways?""You mean is he a tranny tight-vest?" asked Beryl. "You should just split it out, Cracky."
"My husband was never a tranny tight-vest when I knew him," explained the Doctor. "More's the pity. If I'd known that then, it might have made him more interesting."
"Well, whatever or whoever you decide to call him or her, there's definitely a woman standing at the open door of that blue police box now," said Diana. "Wonder if she'd like to use my...
...leather thong skirt? It would suit her more than those ankle length trousers.""Ahem, never mind trying to dress my husband in your clothes, Diana, thank you very much," The Doctor told her. "I'm wondering whether it might be time to return to Earth and The Amazon - after all, the perishable goods in the back of Beryl's Asda delivery van might be on the turn by now. Why, even this story might be past its sell-by date. What do people think?"
Baz, Desmond, Francis and the parrots all looked at each other. Crocky licked his lips and Rocky looked puzzled. Beryl, on the other hand couldn't resist speaking.
"Return to Amazooin?" she said, "I thinks...
...it wuz good while it laughsted, but maybe its time to crawl it a day.""Crawl what a day?" asked Baz.
"It," she replied.
"Oh, it. Why didn't you say so before?"
"I was weighting four someones else to suggest it," Beryl replied.
"Well, buckle up, shipmates," advised the Doc. "Brace yourselves for the ride of your lives as we head homeward bound...
..."Homeward Bind? What have Simone and Garfoonkle got to do with it?" asked Beryl."Well," replied Diana, considering her question deeply, "once we arrive back home, if the Amazon is in flood from the rainy season and global warming, we might need a Bridge Over Troubled Water."
"Is everybody strapped in?" the Doctor asked. She was met by a succession of nodding heads, including the nodding donkey.
"Then here we go!" she yelled. Doctor Whom eased back on the throttle lever, pushed the hyperspace button, and as everyone was thrown backwards into their seats, the Target surged forward and headed home, to Earth and the Amazon.
"Gonna die! Gonna die!" squawked the four parrots in unison, as their feathers flew backwards, resembling the effects of being caught outdoors in a tornado.
"Ah, shaddap!" ordered Crocodile Dundee. "Hoots! Ye've been nought but harbingers of doom since day one, ye ken."
Baz, who was looking out of a porthole while his cheeks fluttered from the effects of the G-force, corrected his fellow passenger.
"Er, they might actually be right, Crocky," he said. "We are heading straight for a huuuuuuuge asteroid at warp speed. I wonder if the Doc can do anything to avoid it?"
"I wonder?" asked Francis. "Can she?"
"Don't ask me," replied the Doctor, "I'm only the pilot."
And there we shall leave our intrepid crew... cheeks a wobbling, screams a deafening, pants a wetting... as the asteroid grew rapidly closer at warp speed... *da-da-da!*
"Oh b****r!" muttered the pilot of the Asteroid class Sirian star ship, belatedly spotting the Doctor's onrushing Target, after coming back from a sweet recall of an encounter with a Denebian shape changer on her last leave, "Another bunch of stupid space tourists. Why can't they stay home and watch travel documentaries instead of cluttering up the space ways? But no, they want the 'authentic experience' so they can tell their mates at home all about g-force and weightlessness and how close they got to a black hole." While this tirade was going on, she was studying the trajectory of the oncoming vessel, toes flying over the console in an attempt to avert a terminal collision. It seemed that she had been successful, when at the last second the ...
...Target struck the star ship a glancing blow, stripping its co-axial cable and preventing the crew from finishing watching a retro edition of The Clangers. Meanwhile, the collision had knocked The Target off course for Earth, which - at hyperspeed - required extremely skilful handling from The Doctor to avoid an overshoot into the back of beyond. Too late: as Dr Whom cut the hyperspace thrusters, The Target reached The Back of Beyond with a jolt."Ooo," said Baz as he continued to peer through a porthole, "looks like we're in the back of beyond."
"According to my coordinates, that's exactly where we are," the Doctor told him. "And if you look to the left, you should see...
... absolutely nothing. Because we are in the *!%$^ Back of Beyond!!!Oh my, said Rocky. What is the *!%$^ Back of Beyond?
Ahem, said Sir David as he cleared his throat preparing for an extremely detailed tutorial about black holes and their origins. The Back of Beyond is what occurs when a positive ionizationator meets a negative transformatory, creating a vacuum and...
Wonderful! said Barry clapping his hands together in excitement. The Target sure could use a good cleaning!
No no, said Sir David. It's not that kind of vacuum. It's...
I thot, said Beryl, that the Back of Beyond wuz that new sooshi bar on the corner of Milky Way and Fifth Avenue?
Not it, said Sir David. That's...
I knows ta place! said Crocky. I got me Granny a beeutiful set of towels at the Bed, Back, and Beyond an' she wore t'em ev'ry Christmas!
Wait, said Sir David. You don't seem to...
Francis the mule wiped a sentimental tear from his eye and said, Aww. My daddy used say he'd like to kick me back and beyond all the time!
But...but... sputtered Sir David.
Ooh! said Princess Diana. I just LOVE Beyondce! I have all her albums!
NO! shouted Sir David. I am referring to the black hole called the *!%$^ Back of Beyond! If we get sucked in any further, we'll never be seen or heard from again! And who will film my award-winning documentaries?!!
Bummer, said Archbishop Desmond.
Suddenly, red and blue flashing lights and an ear-piercing siren filled the spaceship. The Travellers looked out the window and saw a blue police box hovering behind the Target, and a robotic voice said, Pull Over!
Dammit! said Dr Whom. It's bad enough we got bumped off course and missed an entire planet. Now we're stuck in the *!%$^ Back of Beyond and I'm going to get a ticket!
The blue police box returned to the Sirian Starship and played back the video feed of The Target and its crew. Well, well, well, snickered the Captain as she zoomed in the images with her toes. If it isn't my old friend...
...Sir David. Why, how many Sirian aeons has it been since I starred in that documentary he made about races of people who walk on their hands and manipulate things with their toes - unlike his own weird human race who do things upside down? He and his film crew were the first earthlings to meet us when we landed on their planet on our exploratory expedition. It was bodgin' strange trying to hold a conversation with his knees, though.""The Police Box is parked in the loading bay, again, Captain," advised the Bridge Liaison Officer, who bounded onto the deck using his large hands with palms that had been desensitised to pain from years of use on hard, metallised floors. In his feet he carried an optical laser disc.
"I've looked out the documentary disc, Captain," he said. "Do you wish to refresh yourself on how he painted us to be freaks?"
"No," the Captain replied. "I'd rather you...
...just give me the lowlights.Well, said Bridge Liaison Officer Footpad, first he insulted you by staring at your knees when speaking to you. You had to say "Eyes down HERE mister!". Then he asked how many toes does it take us to screw in a lightbulb! And then we caught his film crew trying to take pictures of us with our socks off!
Son of a bunion! said Captain Callousia. I hoped we'd see that twisted toe-sucker again, and now we have him at our mercy!
The Sirius fired a warning shot over The Target's bow, causing it to come to a screeching halt.
What was THAT?! asked Sir David when the ship stopped shaking.
THAT, said Dr Whom, is your girlfriend calling.
Blast! said Sir David. I tried to let her down gently, but the woman won't take no for answer.
Beryl snickered and said, Whot happenrned? Did yoo RUB her the wrong way?
Francis giggled and said, She must think you're a HEEL!
Desmond crossed himself and said, Never judge a woman until you've walked a mile in her shoes!
Princess Diana said, You've really stuck your foot in your mouth THIS time!
Aye, said Crocky. Ye be TOE-in' the line NOW brutha!
Yup, chuckled Rocky. You really STEPPED in it!
What is everybody talking about? asked Barry.
Nothing of importance dear, said Dr Whom as she raised what was left of The Target's tattered force-shield. We're just about to be blasted into bits by Sir David's ex, that's all!
She's not my ex! shouted Sir David. I thought I was just shaking her hand but... but... she thought we were engaged!
Captain Callousia set the IRS (I'm Really Sirius) Laser Beam of Destruction directly on The Target's helm and was just about to give the order to fire when...
...Bridge Liaison Officer Footpad stopped her."But Captain, don't you still wear a ring on the fourth tarsal of your left foot? Doesn't it mean something to you? Didn't you tell us that it was placed there by that upside-down man?"
"Y-yes, it was. I heard him say it was necessary to ring all new species he had discovered, but he said he had never before seen a creature quite like myself, and that I had the softest feet he had ever seen."
"And, did you and he... you know..."
"No! After the ringing ceremony, the ship's tracking beam started to pulse, and I knew we had to leave. Before he and I consumed each other we departed his planet."
"Don't you mean consummated, Captain?"
"I know what I meant, Officer Footpad. Hmm, I suppose I could delay firing the Laser Beam of Destruction until...
... I give that sonofafungus a chance to explain why he's here. Captain Callousia put on a second coat of industrial-strength toenail polish and beamed The Target into the Sirius holding bay. The Travellers were led into a decontamination room where they were sprayed head to toe with CillitBang (Barry wept tears of joy) and a dusting of Dr Soles Super-Stinky Foot and Body Powder. Then another door opened and the Captain tip-toed in.
Hail Travellers, she said, completely ignoring Sir David. What brings you to our galaxy?
Sorry about that, said Dr Whom. We've been looking for a cure for the Verona Virus, got lost, got found, got lost again, and were heading back to our home planet when we had a bit of a glitch in the Space/Time Continuum and ended up in the Back of Beyond. We do apologize for our intrusion and hope you will assist us in returning to our destination.
No problem, said Captain Callousia. Happens to the best of us! I'd be happy to direct you on your journey, everybody except that two-timing ingrown-toenail over there!
Sir David gulped and whispered, Do something Dr Whom!
On it, said the Doctor. She turned to the Captain and said, He's all yours. Now, should we take a left or right turn at the intersection of Fallen Arches and Podiatry Park?
Wate! said Beryl. We cants just leeve Sir David heer!
Why should we take him with us? asked Rocky. All he does is go on and on and on about his award-winning documentaries.
That's right, said Francis. One time I asked him to help me find my shoe and he said it was "beneath" him. I looked everywhere for it but it was right under his seat!
Aye, said Crocky. An' how he always be braggin' 'bout fraterinizin' wit' ta Queen!
That's true! said Princess Diana as she adjusted her jewel-encrusted Wonderbra. He acts like he's the only royalty around here!
Amen, said A.B. Desmond. He opened his Bibble and read... People who live in glass houses should NOT show thrones.
No! cried Beryl. We hasta takes him with us! He promist to put me in his noo documentarity!
About what? asked Barry as he ran back through the decontamination room for a second dose of CillitBang.
Its about peeple who talk good! said Beryl.
Captain Callousia looked at Dr Whom and said, Seriously?
Dr Whom sighed and said, It's a long story.
Speaking of long stories, said Sir David. Did I ever tell you about the time I...
I changed my mind, said the Captain. Take him! Besides, we don't need anybody contaminating our universe with the Verona Virus now that we've found a vaxeen.
You can stop the Verona?! asked an incredulous Dr Whom.
Of course, said Officer Footpad. It's called the Pedi-Cure, and all you have to do is...
...grow veruca cultures on athletes' feet. We grow ours on our leading handstand marathon runners. Once firm, deep verucae have grown, our podiatrists shave fine layers off which are then ground down and allowed to mature in a non-perfumed talc suspension.""Um, is that it?" asked a wary Sir David, which earned an evil upside down glare from the Captain.
"Well, that's when our scientists add the special ingredient," advised Officer Footpad.
"Ah," said Beryl. "And what's that, is it an ingradient we cuds lorcate on our hown plan ate?"
"Maybe," Footpad told her. "The special additive is...
... Maryhoowanna. It was named after our renowned scientist, Mary Hoowanna, who discovered it after getting locked in her greenhouse while working on a cure for ill-fitting slippers. After years of research, she determined that the Medium size slippers (7 to 8 USA) were much too small, and the Large size slippers (8 to 9 USA) were much too big, so she invented the Marge and the Ledium. Now all of the Sirians have slippers that fit properly, which has virtually eliminated slip&slide accidents during the Midnight Snack Syndrome and the Middle-of-the-Night Loo Lunge.
One day, while she was working on a cure for the Verona, she inadvertently tipped over a crows-feet candle and set aflame a discarded pile of weeds. She finally managed to put the fire out, but the greenhouse filled with smoke and she inhaled all the fumes.
Then a great hunger came upon her, along with a serious case of the giggles, so she decided to make a peanut butter, jelly, anchovy, broccoli, and Spam sandwich, and thought it was the most delicious sandwich she ever ate! After several hours of raiding the pantry and laughing for no reason whatsoever, she came to the conclusion that the discarded weed could actually be used for medicinal purposes and refined it into a powder, which we now add to all of our vaxeens.
Soooo, said a skeptical Sir David. You believe you have found a cure for the Verona?
We did! said Captain Callousia as she and First Officer Footpad giggled and headed towards the kitchen.
Dr Whom quietly rounded up The Travellers and said, Okay then. Time to go!
Butt why? asked Beryl. They has a qure for Veronica!
I think NOT, said Sir David. They're just...
...confoosed dot com. This MaryHoowanna invented a "They Think it Must Be Better" slipper that was greased with marge to make it slip on easier. However, the Sirian people have actually been putting it on their feet instead of where it was required - their hands.""But, I imragin they ware gluffs on their hands, Sir David of the cameera," suggested Beryl.
"Maybe, my dear lady," Sir David said. "However, if they can't get a simple thing like hand and footwear correct, how can they be expected to develop a Vaccine for Verona?"
"Ah, but maybe they have the foundations for an effective solution," suggested Desmond.
"Oo, that wood be grate," Beryl replied. "I haven't bean able to find any fowndayshun, misskarah or lyppee for about too yerz."
"Should we just get out of here before they discover where to put their slippers?" asked Francis.
"Aye, hen, ye could be right," Crocky agreed. "Who knows, we could be hame fer Christmas!"
"Christmas?" queried Diana, unsure of what time of the Earth year it was. "Why, I haven't even had any Easter eggs, yet."
"But, do you think they've found a cure for Verona on Earth, yet?" asked Baz. "We could find ourselves landing slap bang in the middle of something nasty."
"What?" asked Diana. "Do you mean...
... like All (shudder) All Hello's Eve?!Ooh, said Barry. I LOVE Halloween!
Well you wouldn't like it at the Royal Palace! said Dianna. My father the King and my mother the Queen invite all of the villagers to our castle, and if anybody says "hello" we have to give them all of our candy!
A... all of it? gulped Barry.
Yes! said Diana. And we have to dress up in weird costumes! Last year I was a Level One Princess and it was sooo embarrassing!
Axcuse me, said Beryl. Butt yoo ARE a printercess, arent yoo?
NOT A LEVEL ONE! said Diana indignantly. They don't even get to wear a diamond-encrusted tiara or ride a unicorn in the Annual Horny Mythical Creature Derby!
You poor thing, said Francis the mule. Where I live, we have a great time! We celebrate Halloween by kicking rocks at each other and whoever's still conscious at the end of the night wins a Straw and Berry Sundae!
Aye, said Crocky. Ah always has ta best o' time on ta Eve o' Hallows. We hide ta candy in ta swamp, and laff and laff at all ta kiddies tryin' no ta drowd!
I luv the Day After Halloweenie too! said Beryl. Me and my fambly get all drest up in spooky costooms, turn off all the lites, and hides under the bed. Then all the kids in the nayborhood knock on our door and we pretendz were not home! And the next day, we dust off our costooms, go to ASDA, and buy all the candie for 1/2 price!
I love Halloween too! said Rocky. My friends and I put masks over our eyes and pretend we're bank robbers. Then we break into stores and steal all the candy!
Why do you need to put on masks? asked Dr Whom. Aren't you already wearing one?
Wearing what? asked Rocky.
Nevermind, said Dr Whom.
*Desmond sat solemnly listening to the conversation, but was unable to join in because he considered All Hallow's Eve to be the unholiest of holidays, though he wore a slight smile on his face at fond long-ago memories of heavenly Almond Joy Bars and Reeses sinfully Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups*
Hurrumph! said Sir David. Dressing up in pagan costumes and begging for treats is beneath me. I AM a Knight, you know. And last Halloween I had brunch with the Queen! We had a fascinating and extremely long-winded conversation about my award-winning documentaries and...
And THAT, said Captain Callousia pointing a toe at Sir David, is ANOTHER reason why I dumped you! Here on Sirian we KNOW how to celebrate Halloween. First we round up as many parrots as we can...
(Uh oh, said Squawky, Macky, Marco, and Gusto. Gonna die!)
And then we...
...catch their guano - lots of it.""Gwa-no?" queried Beryl. "Is that wot they eets?"
"Nah," Baz told her. "It's their sh-"
"Shush a minute!" said Diana. "What's that noise?"
"Sorry," apologised Crocky, "I had one o' the Doc's rehydrated meals earlier, and it's causing gip wi' me guts, ye ken."
"No, it's not THAT kind of a noise," said Diana, "it's more of a...
... "squeak". *It's a squawk! said Marco*
No, said Barry. It's more of a "bzzzzzzz".
*It's a squawk! said Mackey*
I thinks it's a "hmmmm", said Rocky.
*It's a squawk! said Gusto*
No no, said Sir David. I've heard that noise once when I was filming one of my award...
*It's a squawk! said Squawky. And it's a lot of them!*
Wate a minit, said Beryl. I think the parroots are trying to tell us sumthing.
*Run! shouted Mackey, Marco, Gusto, and Squawky as they took cover under the trees*
Suddenly, thousands of Sirian parrots dressed in Halloween costumes flew overhead and... er... deposited their guano on The Travellers' heads.
Dr Whom wiped herself off and said, Well sh-
Shazzam! said Captain Callousia as she waved her feet in glee at the retreating parrots. We've got ourselves the makings of a great Halloween! All we have to do now is pre-heat the ovens and...
...warm our socks ready for our chilly Halloween night.""Phew!" squawked Mackey. "Thought we were gonna die!"
"Then," added Captain Callousia, "we'll light the huge barbeques. Nothing better than looking forward to barbequed parrot on Hallowe'en."
"Gulp!" gulped Marco. "Gotta gerrout of here, squawk!"
"Shall I have the barbeque skewers brought out, ready?" asked First Officer Footpad.
"Good thinking," Captain Callousia replied.
"Squawk!" squawked Gusto. "I don't want no skewer jabbed up my..."
"Aargh!" squawked Squawky. "I want to keep my plumage. Imagine how embarrassing it would be to appear stark naked in front of all those Sirians."
"Stark naked birds?" pondered Baz. "That reminds me of...
... a rock band I once saw. They were great! They played all of my favorite songs too!What songs? asked Rocky.
All the old holiday classics, said Barry, like "I'm Dreaming of a Cillitbang Christmas", "Deck the Halls with Bottles of Cillitbang", "The Little Cillitbang Boy", and "Rudolph the Cillitbang Reindeer"!
Wait! shouted Dr Whom. What month is this?!
Itz Dismember said Beryl. Why?
We've got to home, said Dr Whom as she fired up the Target's engines. All the presents I've ordered for myself should be arriving any day now and I want to be there so I can open them and surprise myself!
Don't you know what you'll be getting since you ordered them for yourself? asked Diana as she and the Travellers rushed into the Target and strapped themselves in.
No! said Dr Whom as she reset the space/time continuum modulator. I bought them from Amazon but didn't want to pay extra for Prime Free 2-day shipping so I signed up for Economy See-You-When-We-Get-There shipping. It only takes 364 days for my packages to arrive but I do have to order early. Now everybody take your shoes off and wave goodbye to the Sirians. We've got to go!
She be cute, said Crocky, looking at Dr Whom and shaking his big scaly green head. She be daft as a doorknob, but she be cute.
The Target was just about to enter Earth's atmostphere when suddenly... Beryl said, I thinks the narratater of this storie has a spellering probelem.
*Ahem*
The Target was just about to enter the Earth's ATMOSPHERE when suddenly....
...all radio communications suddenly started talking about 'Omicron'."What's that all about, then?" asked Archbishop Desmond.
"Dunno," replied Baz, "it's all Greek to me."
"Ignore it," Diana suggested. "Christmas is only a week away. Time to enjoy the festive season."
"Only a weak a weigh?" asked Beryl. "They're must bee something rung with the scales."
"Hold on, everybody," said Dr Whom, "we are about to start re-entry. Where do you want me to set down?"
"By my van, in the Amazon," Beryl replied first. "After all, it's fool of...
,,, Prime next-day devilries that are weigh overdue, so they'll all have been replaced after complaints and we can have the lot!" laughed Beryl.There was a shocked silence, then everyone began talking at once. "NO, we can't!" "Bags I first go!" "Is it allowed?" "We should take them back." "What if stuff's gone off?"
Dr Whom interrupted the clamour, "I can set us down at the same time we left, so all this is irrelevant."
"That'll be a first, then", muttered Rocky.
The Doctor moved to the controls and began the landing procedure, while the rest of the crew grumbled among themselves, some nervous of the corona, others frustrated at the loss of the parcels in Beryl's van. The grumbling was growing in volume when Dr. Whom spoke again. "Sorry, folks, there seems to be a problem with the computer controls. I think we've got a virus ..."
Oh no! said Barry. It's... it's... Omegicron!Who is this Omegicron? asked Sir David. I don't recall filming any aw....
He is the evil leader of the Decepticrons, said Rocky. His one mission is to divert all 2-day deliveries by Amazon Optimus Prime!
The prezzants! cried Beryl. Does yoo think hes found my van?!
Let's do a fly-over, said Dr Whom, and check it out. Does anybody remember where we parked?
Rocky said, I think it was right next to a big rock. I remember it because it was a really cool rock. I like rocks. I was named after my late great-uncle, Uncle Rock, but my friends call me Rocky. Rocks are...
Got it! said Dr Whom. Parked next to a rock. Anybody else?
Weel, said Crocky. I a'member there twas a beeutiful lagoon, wit a fall o water an lots a good fishin.
Where was it? asked Dr Whom.
Crocky said, Twas right next ta a big rock.
Dr Whom's eyes started to twitch so Diana said, Does anybody else remember anything?
I do, said Barry, but I don't want to say.
Why not? asked Archbishop Desmond. Pray tell us what you have to say. As it says in the Holey Bibble, Speak now or forever hold your pees.
But I don't like pees, said Barry. They're too squishy and...
Just say it! shouted Dr Whom. Do you know where the van is or not?!
Barry trembled and whispered, There was this big rock...
While the crew was trying to figure out where they parked, the Target ran out of gas and crash-landed back on Earth. The door opened and the Travellers spilled out in heap.
Oww! said Francis, the first one out from under the wreckage. He rubbed his sore hooves and said, I think I see the van!
Where is it?! cried Dr Whom.
It's right next to that big...
...car crusher in the scrap yard by the big rock and I think it's next for the squash...
...but we have to choose between blackcurrant, orange and lemon.""Fruits of the Forest for me, Squawk!" squawked Gusto.
"Since when did the fuel for your van change to squash?" asked Sir David. "Now, THAT could make for an interesting documentary - alternative forms of fuel to fossil ones."
"Hmm, you're the write one to talks about fossilz," Beryl told him.
"Excuse me for interrupting the banal banter," interrupted Diana, "but how close to Christmas is it? Shouldn't we be getting on with buying presents, turkey and sprouts?"
"Yes, you are right," agreed Desmond. "I should be preparing my sermon for the Christmas Service."
"He-haw ways forgets to include me in his sermon," exclaimed Francis. "Why can't I appear in the Nativity crib - the manger should have fresh hay. It's been yonks since I had some fresh hay. Those rehydrated meals we've been having on the Target have been playing havoc with my digestion."
"What's wrong with reyhdrated toad in the hole?" asked Barry.
"Och aye, ah've been enjoying rehydrated haggis, ye ken," advised Crocky.
"But not every day!" Francis told him.
"Anyone up for a wild turkey hunt in the jungle?" asked Rocky.
"The Target calendar says it's only 4 days until Christmas," said Dr Whom. "I have my Christmas cards to write - although I won't be sending one to that worthless, good-for-nothing husband of mine."
"I'm surprised to hear that what with the advanced technology on the Target, you still write traditional Christmas cards," exclaimed Sir David.
"Oh, there's nothing traditional about them," replied the Doctor. "No, they're...
... custom-made holograms for all my ex-husbands.How many exes do you have? asked Diana.
42, said Dr Whom.
Wowza, said Beryl. Thats alotta exorcizms!
True, said Dr Whom. But it takes a lot of cabbage to keep the Target up and running.
So, said Rocky. You get a lot of alimony money?
Money? said Dr Whom. No no. The Target runs on cabbage. Preferably boiled, but raw will do in a pinch.
So THAT'S what that smell is! said Barry as he sprayed Cillitbang air-freshener all over the cabin. All this time I thought it was Crocky.
Hey! said Crocky. I'll ha ye know tat I clean me scales evry yeer! An twice on leapfrog yeer!
That's all fine and dandy, said Sir David desperately trying to change the subject. But Christmas is in 2 days! I missed brunch with the Queen, my photographer ran off with a 4-footed Sirian, the van is trashed, and we don't have any presents!
Never fear, said Archbishop Desmond. The Lords-a-Leapin will provide.
And don't forget about the Santa Clause! said Frances. When I was a wee little mule, I hung all my 4 stockings by the fireplace and Santa would come down the chimney on Christmas Eve and leave us some really great presents!
Likes wut?! asked a very excited Beryl.
Rocks! said Francis. Then we all gathered around the Christmas tree and had a rock-throwing party, and whoever was still conscious at the end of the day won!
Er... that sounds lovely, said Diana. But instead of rocks, why don't we do what my father, King Whatshisname, and my mother, Queen Whosists did on Christmas?
You don't remember your parents names? asked Dr Whom.
Shush! said Diana. It's been a while. Anyways, we would invite all of the villagers to our castle and let them make all of the presents for us!
Well, said Dr Whom as she glared at the displaced princess. I have a better idea. Since it was so much fun, why don't YOU make the presents this year?
Yes! said Diana as she picked up her skirts and ran into the jungle. I shall make all of the presents and they shall be the most excellent and most royal presents ever made!
*wave goodbye... gonna die! squawked Macky, Marco, Gusto, and Squawky*
As the skies darkened and daylight began to wane...
...night fell and Christmas Eve appeared. She stepped into a clearing in the jungle carrying a bagful of presents and a tray of home-made mince pies."Oo, you're a well cone site four saw-eyes," Beryl said. "I haven't had a min spy for ages. Are they four us?"
Eve was taken aback at seeing so many people and animals rubbing their eyes and stretching as they awoke after a night;s restless sleep.
"Er, yes, please help yourselves," she told them, "perhaps you can help me, I'm looking for someone - a Welsh bloke with the name of Boxing Dai. These presents are for him."
"Boxing Dai? Sounds like a pugilist," Sir David said. "Now, that reminds me of an award winning documentary I did of boxing kangaroos quite a few..."
"I think he's not likely to put in an appearance for a couple of days, yet," said Archbishop Desmond. "And, by the way, I'm not feeling very well."
"Better go and lie down, then," advised Barry.
"Gonna die!" squawked Gusto.
"Hush!" said Diana, who had just returned with her own home-made presents. "Just because he looks a little peaky, it doesn't mean...
... he's sick. All he needs is a little rest and he'll be fine. Now let's all open my princess-made presents! Here's one for... hey! Who are you?!I, said Christmas Eve juggling an armload of boxes, have presents for Boxing Dai.
I love boxes! said Barry.
Well, huffed Diana juggling an armload of twigs and berries. I have presents for Christmas Day!
Ha! scoffed Eve. All you've got is a bunch of twigs and berries!
I love twigs and berries! said Barry.
Oh yeah?! said Diana. I made these with my own hands from the finest twigs and berries the Amazon has to offer!
Foolish girl, said Eve. I got all my boxes from Amazon Prime! I just ordered and over-paid for a bunch of sh... shtuff I don't need or have room for and the boxes were free!
I love sh...shtuff I don't need! said Barry.
Suddenly an extremely handsome man came strutting out of the jungle, tipped his hat, and said, Hello there.
Beryl heard the voice of angels and said, Oh... my... gawd...oh my gawd...ohmygawdohmygawdohmygawd! That is the most handsomerest man I ever seen!
Boxing Dai chuckled and said, Nice to meet you, young lady.
*Beryl faints*
Finally you're here! said Eve. I've been lugging these boxes around for ages! Now take them and spread joy and cheer throughout the lands.
Let us not be rude to our guests, said Dai. Who is this beautiful woman with all the twigs and berries?
Princess Diana looked into eyes the color of the sea and said, I...I'm....I...I'm....
*Diana faints*
Dr Whom said, Oh for the love of... what's wrong with you women?!
Haven't you've ever seen a good-looking man before?! Then she looked at Dai's glossy black hair flowing in the breeze like raven's wings and... *faints*.
Sir David looked wildly around and shouted to no one in particular, Where is my camera! My kingdom for my camera! This would make an amazing docu...
Happens all the time, sighed Boxing Dai. It's hard meeting women when I'm cursed with such extraordinary handsomeness.
Aye, said Crocky. Tis the same fa me. When I goes for ta swim, I has ta make sure all me manly parts be covered.
Me too, said Rocky. Every time I win a rock-throwing contest I have to fight off the ladies. With rocks.
Same here, said Francis. There's something about having 4 feet that really turns them on.
Sir David giggled and said, I like to show them my knighthood. That really makes them swoon!
Christmas Eve rolled her eyes, threw a bucket of cold water on the ladies, and said, I KNEW I should have had them delivered!
Dr Whom brushed herself off and said, I did NOT faint at the sight of that man. I'm just really... er... hungry!
Well then my dear, said Boxing Dai with a wink. I have just the thing. Here's a lovely bologna and cheese sandwich specially made just for you.
Barry stared at the mystery meat and overly-processed cheese on white bread with a dollop of yellow mustard and said, Oh I just LOVE bologna and cheese sandwiches!
*Barry faints*
When he came to, Christmas Eve had departed, gone to meet up with her friend, Knewyeerz Eve. For some inexplicable reason (most likely just to provide fresh material to write about) Boxing Dai had chosen to hang around with our motley crew for a while."There's lovely, boyos," he declared, "I thought I'd wait with you fellows (even though none of you are as handsome as I) until my good friend, Rabby Burns-Knight arrives. He should be bringing a platter with a nice, plump haggis on it - sufficient for you all to tuck into."
"A Giss?" asked Beryl. "I wonder how men he are Rome-ing around the Amazon Jingle?"
"Ah don't think there will be any roaming aboot, Beryl," Crocky told her. "It;s a traditional Scottish dish we Scots feast on wi' neeps an' tatties, washed doon wi' a wee dram o' oor favourite spirit."
"Talking of wee dams, I need to disappear behind a sooty ubble bush for a bit," Beryl told him. "But I'm not shrew-er which is my flavour height spirit. After all, sherry makes you merry, whisky makes you frisky and brandy makes you-"
"Feel good?" Archbishop Desmond interjected. "I wish I did. I'm decidedly under the weather and I'm feeling somewhat chilly."
"Yes, your skin has turned quite pale, Archbishop," Rocky advised. "And your lips have turned quite blue."
"Oo, who's this coming through the dense undergrowth?" asked Barry. "Could it be Rabby Burns-Knight?"
A red-headed man emerged into the clearing. No hair, it was just his head that was painted red, making him resemble a match. He wore a white, lacy shirt and tunic, and a tartan kilt. Hanging down in front of his kilt was an enormous sporran. Under his left arm he carried a set of bagpipes which he inflated by blowing down one pipe, while using the fingers of his left hand to play a wee tune. In his right hand he held aloft a silver salver with a steaming haggis on it, which was prevented from rolling off the plate by a generous dollop of swede and potatoes.
Crocky gasped at the sight and immediately felt homesick.
"Oh, fair bairn o' the wee puddin' race," he whispered. "D'ye ken how loong ah've missed yer bonny wee face?"
"Huh?" asked Barry. "Can somebody translate that for me?"
"Never mind the translation," said Sir David, "break out the cutlery and let's get stuck in."
"Gonna die!" squawked Gusto.
"Inedible!" squawked Macky.
"Welcome, Rabby!" exclaimed Boxing Dai. "There's lovely. We don't see many haggis in the Rhondda Valley, boyo. Haven't seen you for about a year."
"Och, hoots, mon!" replied Rabby Burns-Knight. "Why don't ye...
"OI!" yelled Barry. "THAT'S MY CILLIT BANG, YOU LITTLE NAFFERS!" The monkeys were passing box after box from the Target. "BRING IT BACK!"
"Never mind your Cillit cleanser, they're stealing all our toilet rolls!" screamed Beryl.
"I wouldn't worry about it," said Desmond, "they've just taken the toilet as well."
"We could call the local police," Sir David said, "but without the evidence, they'd have nothing to go on."
Diana rolled her eyes. "Well, I hope they've left the soap, a princess needs to look her best in times like these - oh, nadgers! Looks like they've taken the last box of cleansing wipes!"
"Let's stop the cheeky monkeys!" yelled Francis, "they're not giving a thought to us. How about my stash of carrots? What am I going to eat?"
"There goes box upon box of tinned supplies," said Rocky.
"Och, dinna ye mind - I have the can opener, so they'll be of no use to them," Crocky advised.
"They've swiped the bird feed," said Desmond.
"SQUAWK!" squawked all 4 macaws. "Gonna die, gonna die!"
"BRING BACK MY BANG!" Barry yelled as he ran at the monkeys, dispersing them. He was joined by the others, who helped scatter the thieves.
Beryl looked around to see if she could recognise any landmarks in the jungle.
"I wonder where my Asda delivery van is? It was loaded with supplies we had been gradually using."
"Oo, I'd forgotten about that," Diana said. "Do you think there might be any...