Amazon exiles discussion
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Carry On up the Amazon
... squealed Beryl! I am the new Kween of Planet Gwackamolee! The firstest thing I wants to do is...Hold! shouted a voice from the crowd. As it is written in the Ancient Holy Moley Scriptures, I, Princess Molestia, the last of the Royal Family of Mole-Asses and destined from birth to be Queen, do hereby challenge the outlandish Outlander to a fight to the death!
T... to... to the deth? asked Beryl. Can she doo that?
Sorry dear, said Mudder Macree. It is true. She comes from a very long line of Mole-Asses.
Gulp! gulped Beryl. Iffen I dont wanna be Kween, can I still keeps the krown?
No dear, said Mudder. But we do have some very lovely bejeweled tiaras you can choose from as a consolation gift.
And, asked Beryl. Can I takes a selfie with the General to show all my frends back at ASDA?
Mudder looked over at General Guack who was trying to beat Crocky off with his stick and said, Of course, dear. But best make it quick before he loses another toe.
Howz about anuther buckit of chockolate-coverered worms to go?
asked Beryl.
Absolutely, said Mudder. You're the best almost-Queen we've ever had!
Beryl adjusted her new tiara, waved goodbye to all the Moleys and said, Fyre up the Target, Dr Whoom. We's got things to go and places to do!
But before Dr Whom could push the "Let'sGetTheHellOutOfHere" starter button, Crocky spit out a toenail, turned to look adoringly at Beryl, knelt on one knee and said...
... Your shoelaces are undone, let me fix them for you.Oh no you don't, said Beryl. You've et enuff toes for one day mister crocodile. Your nott having mine.
Crocky watched disappointed, while Beryl did up her own laces.
Well, now that's all over, said Sir David in his most dulcet tone, I think it's time for a little story.
He began, "Back in the 1950s when I was just a young and inexperienced adventurer and documentary maker...
... I went in search of the mythical Wheretheheckarewe Tribe. I boarded a vast sailing ship, the HMS Sinkorswim, commanded by the fearless and somewhat rotund, Captain Hugh G. Bottoms, fondly called by his crew... Bottoms Up. One day, a fierce storm rolled in and the Sinkorswim floundered. Those of us who survived washed ashore on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere, which Captain Bottoms named Tiny Island In The Middle of Nowhere.
We were taken in and cared for by the indigenous natives of Tiny Island, where I met and fell in love with two beautiful sisters, Flora and Fauna. Flora was skilled at healing with herbs and plants, while Fauna was skilled at... er... other things, and I quickly recovered.
The HMS Sinkorswim was once again made sea-worthy and we were ready to continue our adventures. Alas, my need to make a name for myself, win lots of awards for my award-winning documentaries, and having the title of Sir bestowed upon me, I bid fare-thee-well to my sweet Flora and Fauna, and sailed upon the tides far far away from my beloved two true loves.
Beryl wiped a tear from her eye and said, Wuz it werth it, Sir David?
Hell yes! he replied. I am a Knight, you know! And I have awards! And I'm rich! And I'm on the telly! And ...
Crocky sighed and tucked the engagement ring he was going to give to Beryl back into his finny-pack and thought, I hates tha git.
Meanwhile...
Meanwhile, as The Target left Planet Guacamole's orbit, Dr Whom said, Where shall we go next?Well, said Princess Diana. We still have to de-program Dez and...
WHAT'S WRONG WITH DEZ? asked Barry.
Excuse me, said Dez, as he crossed himself while spinning around in a circle counter-clockwise three times and spit on the ground to ward of evil spirits. That's Archbishop Desmond Tutu to you.
And, said Diana. We still have to fix Barry's voice.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY VOICE? asked Barry.
Nothin luv, said Beryl. You speek just as well as I does, just a tad louder is all.
A tad louder? grumbled Rocky. He blew out our eardrums 3 planets ago.
What? said Francis. Could you repeat that please? I didn't hear what you said.
THAT'S BECAUSE WE DOONA HAVE ANY EARDRUMS! said Crocky.
GEEZ, said Barry. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT.
Let us not argue amongst ourselves, pleaded Dez. As the Holey Bibble says, he who shouts is not heard. And he who is not heard has no one to listen. And he who doth not hear or listen has no one to talk to, and must shout to be heard or listened to. But if he shouts...
Good Lord! interrupted Sir David. That guy sure goes on and on and...
Dr Whom pulled out her Freeze-Ray gun, shot all of The Travellers with the optional silencer accessory, loaded them into the Target, and with a sigh of relief and a bit of a giggle, headed off into the outer regions of inner space, or the inner regions of outer space, whichever came first.
Suddenly...
... whilst reholstering her Freeze-Ray gun, Whom accidentally shot herself in the foot with it.She just had time to say, Oh sh..., before she froze solid, leaving the Target to continue on its merry way with no-one at all to steer it.
The Target, having its own version of sentience, was both excited and apprehensive that at last it had complete freedom, to do whatever, and go wherever, it wanted. After a moment's thought it decided to ...
... write its auto-biography. The Target said:When I was just a wee space-vessel, my creators programmed me to be destined for greatness. I would soar through the skies, visit alien planets, discover new horizons, and bring peace and harmony throughout the galaxies.
Alas, peace and harmony throughout the universe was not to be, and during the Great Galaxial Recession, I was down-graded to a cargo ship, and when my batteries wore out, ultimately sold for scrap metal.
Luckily, I was rescued from the junkyard by Dr Whom, who was going through a nasty divorce with her no-good, life-sucking, hope he dies in a fiery and painful explosion, husband. I was retro-fitted with the finest accessories alimony could buy, and once again on my way to fulfill my destiny. And now, I'm in charge!
Dr Whom woke up and said, Hey Target. My feet hurt. Can I get a rub?
The Target sighed, focused its laser beam on the Doctor, shot her again with the Internal Freeze-Ray gun, and said...
Yippee ki-yay Mother Hubbard!I know what to do! it thought, Half of these humans are always going on about the Big Bang and the other half go on about somebody called Godd. I'll go back in time and see how the Universe really started.
The Target set itself to Warp Factor minus 9 and boldly set off into the far-distant past.
After what seemed like an eternity but was only about 13.7 billion years, the Target slipped itself into neutral and glided to a halt.
Time to wake up! it said to the somnolent crew and reversed the Freeze-Ray.
The first to wake up was ...
... was Beryl. She scratched her head, crossed her legs and said, I dont no about anybody else, but I reely gots to pee.Princess Diana said, Me too!
Rocky said, Me too!
Crocky said, Me too!
Francis said, Me too!
Sir David said, Me too!
Brother Desmond said, Me too!
Dr Whom said, Me too!
The parrots said, Squawk Squawk Squawkity Squawk (Us too!)
The little green dinosaur said, Me too!
*We will now take a short break while The Travellers relieve themselves of 13.7 billion years of holding it*
Beryl came out of the loo, side-swiped the toilet paper stuck to her shoe and said, Wait a minnit... What little green dinasore?
He's the cutest little dino I ever saur, said Diana.Ahem, said the dinosaur. My name's Dino and, if you don't mind, please don't talk about me as if I wasn't in the room.
PLEASED TO MEET YOU DINO, said Barry. TELL ME, HOW DID YOU GET ONTO THE TARGET WHILE WE WERE ALL FROZZ?
Well, said Dino ...
...I wuz stood standing gnawing on the thigh bone of a herbivore (I always think ferns gives their meat a 'herby' flavour, don't you?) and minding my own business when I happens to look up and saw this flaming great flaming thing shooting through the sky in my direction. Dinos were running about everywhere, but this flaming great flaming thing crashed into the ground with a, well, a flaming great big bang. The ground wobbled up and down and next thing I knows I'm walking in the air, flying through the midnight sky. As this flaming great cloud starts to rise from the ground, this lovely place just scooped me up - and here I is. Anybody got a thigh bone I can chew on?""Well, in order to get to the beginning of the Universe, I had to pass through the various 'assics' containing the dinosaurs," advised the Target. I slowed down a bit to cool the overheating thrusters, and the auto scoop snatched him in. By the way, I think there may be a prosthetic thigh in the medical store he could have."
"Since when did you start making your own decisions?" asked a peeved Dr Whom. "I'm in charge, and I'll say when we give out body parts for consumption."
"But you were frozen and out of action," the Target advised.
"No I wasn't - I was just having a sleep."
"EXACTLY HOW FAR BACK IN TIME HAVE WE GONE, THEN?" Barry asked.
"According to my calculators," replied The Target, "we are now...
... at year 0.The Travellers all ran to the nearest window, looked out, and saw absolutely nothing. There was no sun, no moons, no stars, no oceans, no mountains, no deserts, no animals, no vegetation, no light, and not a sound to be heard.
Uh oh, said Princess Diana. We may have gone back a bit too far.
No! said Sir David. We're at the very beginning of the beginning of civilization as we know it. This is the greatest find in the history of historical finds, and I'm sure will prove the Big Bang theory of evolution, which I of course shall film and make another award-winning documentary about and...
Suddenly, a Big Bang shook all The Travellers.
What was that?! said Francis.
It's nothing! bellowed a Voice. I command you to ignore it!
Brother Desmond bowed his head and said, Is that you God?
Sort of, said The Voice. I am Godd, the favorite for winning the Creator Of All Things title, except I've been a bit busy lately with all the other universes and haven't got around to finishing this one yet.
Butt, said Beryl. What wuz that big banger we's heard?
That, sighed Godd, is my twin brother Lodd, who's trying to best me in the Creator of All Things Championship.
WHO'S WINNING? asked Barry.
Well, said Godd. We're in a tie right now. I've got Adam and Eve ready to move into a lovely up-scale yet affordable garden condo in Eden, but Lodd's got a sun, a moon, 9 planets, a galaxy full of stars, and a primordial swamp.
So, said Dr Whom. Civilization as we know it depends on which one of you gets to the finish line first?
Pretty much, said Godd.
Lodd nodded in agreement.
And then...
...Godd said, For our first event, we have Bowling For Beginnings. Whoever gets the most lightning strikes wins!Lodd won the toss-up so he went first. After a thunderous first set, he knocked down 10 of the 12 Apostles.
Good show, said Godd, but not good enough! Now it's my turn. Godd threw the ball down the aisle and it looked like it was headed straight for the Pearly Gates. But at the last minute, it rolled right into Pugatory.
Too bad, so sad, said Lodd. Gutterball!
Godd said, I meant to do that!
No you didn't! shouted Lodd.
Yes I did! shouted Godd.
Godd tackled Lodd, and as they were wrestling for The Creator Of All Things title, Barry said, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
I agree! said Dr Whom, who quickly fired up The Target and fast-forwarded through the nearest worm-hole.
When The Travellers landed, Beryl looked out the porthole and said, Ruh Roh! I think we just made it worster than it already wuz. Is that a...
*We will now take a short break for a couple of millennium while The Travellers are cryogenically frozen as The Target stealthily moves through time and space, and will return when someone other than me thaws them out again*
'Phutt!'"Ah, me unfreeze ray has stopped working," cursed the Target. "Are the crew ready to start contributing to life on the move again, or shall I leave them to sleep longer while I check my inventory banks to see if I have a replacement ray gun stored away?"
"We are approaching the zone of X-Mess... repeat, approaching the zone of X-Mess," came the voice of the auto inventory bot. "Do we enter, or bypass? Advise before it is too late..."
Umm, mused The Doctor, who had melted enough to muse, I'm not too sure about X-Mess. Doesn't that contain the dreaded planet San-Tar?What's so dreaded about the planet San-Tar? queried a still somewhat frosted Beryl.
Well, for one thing, it's perpetually covered in snow and the only way to get about is by some pesky creatures called rain deer.
Why are they called rain deer if it's always snowing? Shouldn't they be called snow-deer?
Don't ask awkward questions, replied Whom.
WHAT ELSE IS DREADED ABOUT IT? piped up Barry, knocking an icicle from his nose.
Well, the only way to get into their houses is by going down the chimney. This is particularly inconvenient because (a) they usually have a fire burning to ward against the cold and (b) if anyone gets a little overweight from eating too much, they are likely to get stuck.
Doesn't sound dredded, said Beryl, Sounds bliddy stoopid if you ask me.
Any other problems with this planet? said Diana, meanwhile karate-chopping chunks of ice from her anatomy.
Plenty, replied Whom, For example ...
... last X-Mess, the whole planet of San-Tar was almost destroyed in the Elf Wars.BUT WHY? asked Barry. I THOUGHT ELVES WERE HAPPY MAKING ALL THOSE WONDERFUL TOYS.
They were, said Dr Whom, until Governor Kris Krotchety claimed that San-Tars Village wasn't making enough money for the stocking-holders, so they cut their pay and increased their workload.
Thats not fare! said Beryl. They tryed to do that to us at ASDA, so we formated a union and got us a raze.
Exactly, said Dr Whom. The Elves joined the GMWU (Ginger Men and Women United) and brought their grievances to the CCC (Candy Cane Council), but half-way through negotiations, a great scandal was exposed. Apparently, Governor Krotchety forced his wife, Kristal Krotchety, to bribe the CCC with home-made chocolate chip cookies to sway the votes in his favor.
Nooo! gasped The Travellers, as they passed around a big bowl of popcorn. Then what happened?
Well, said Dr Whom...
... and then choked as she inhaled a sizable chunk of popcorn.Why is she turning pink, er red, er blue ... ? queried a curious Rocky
Gonna die! gonna die! squawked the birds.
DO YOU THINK A DOSE OF CILLIT-BANG WOULD HELP? said Barry concernedly.
I shouldn't think so, said Diana,
Does anyone know the heim ..., the heim ..., the thing where you, you know ...
No, said Francis, but if you sing it, I'll play it!
This is no time for humour ...
...shouted Crocky. Ta wimmon be chokin' ta dearth! I knows wut to do! said Beryl. When I workered at ASDA, we's had to lern hows to do the Hymenick Manoover. Yous grabs the choker around the abominable area and squeeze!
No! said Rocky. You're supposed to turn them upside down and shake them around a lot!
No no! said Princess Diana. You must call forth the Royal Choking Brigade to dislodge the offending blockage!
I most enthusiastically disagree! said Sir David. You must...
Let us pray for a speedy recovery! said Archbishop Desmond.
Just as Dr Whom was about to lose consciousness, she flung herself over The Target's shift-stick and forced the popcorn out of her mouth. What's wrong with you people?! she shouted. Didn't you see I was choking?!
Barry said, OH MY. I THOUGHT WE WERE PLAYING CHARADES.
Dr Whom glared at The Travellers, rolled her eyes and said, Idjuts! Now, do you want to hear the rest of the story about San-Tars Village or not?!
Yes pleese, said Beryl. Wut happenered to Govorner Kris Krotchety and his wifey, Kristal?
Well, said Dr Whom, as she shoved another piece of popcorn in her mouth. Kristal finally had enough of baking home-made chocolate chip cookies to further her life-sucking, good for nothing, hope he dies slowly in a lava flow, husband's illegal enterprises, so she sold all her kitchen appliances, packed up her 14 children, and ran away with the town's rain-deer catcher, Fross T. Snoman. After a quickie divorce from her sonofaslippery ex, they were quietly married in a private ceremony in Lost Vegans, and are now living happily ever after in a remote village off the coast of Icelandia.
Aww... said The Travellers.
What happened to Governor Krotchety? asked Rocky.
Gonna Fry! Gonna Fry! squawked the parrots.
Well, said Dr Whom. Right in the middle of the Elf Wars, he...
...passed an edict ordering everybody to down tools.""DICKED? TOOLS?" WHAT KIND OF HEDONISTIC PLANET IS IT? AND, MORE TO THE POINT, WHY CAN'T WE GO THERE, RAPIDO?" asked Barry, wanting to do a bit of banging with his Cillit.
Dr Whom gave him an icy stare, worthy of Kristal Krotchety, and continued.
"Then he sent in his top brass negotiators, led by Carol Chanteuse, to come up with an agreed period of peace."
"Carol Chanteuse? Doesn't that mean 'Carol Singer'?" asked Diana. "Are you pulling our plonkers?"
"SHE CAN CARRY ON PULLING MINE," said Barry, "IT'S FUN."
"No, I ain't, but to a degree, you're right. She got them sitting down on their You'll Logs to take part in community singing."
"Like what?" asked Francis, who was still trying to de-ice his ears so he could hear better.
"Jangle Balls, for one. This is a musically accompanied piece whereby someone runs down the Hi-Skreet with a big pole, and hits the brass balls hanging outside all the pawnbroker shops."
"Intersesting, veery intersesting..." said Beryl. "Any moor?"
"Yes," replied Dr Whom, " there is also...
Midnight Mess for the Cat-aholics. On one particular day of the year - Chr*st knows when - all the inhabitants addicted to drinking cat urine get together during the hours of darkness to make an unholy mess.Ew, that sounds disgusting!
It certainly is, but that's not the worst of it. You see ...
... San-Tars Village has an annual X-Mess tradition that's too horrible a tale to tell, said Dr Whom.Oooh... what is it?! said The Travellers as they passed around a platter of BBQ'd chicken wings.
It's a story about a Knight known as Santar Claws who shows up every year in the month of Dismember to terrorize the town.
Tell us, tell us! cried The Travellers as the passed around a bowl of BBQ sauce.
Okay, said Dr Whom, but don't blame me if you don't like it. The story is called The Knightmare Before X-Mess:
Twas the Knight before X-Mess
And all through the houses
He teased all the creatures
Even all of the mouses
The Stockings were hung
By the chimney with care
Mr Stocking complained
His wife said, Oh dear!
While the children were nestled
All snug in their beds
He stole all their dolls
And chopped off their heads
The villagers all hid
While The Claws was about
And hoped that he'd soon
Get drunk and pass out
The Knight finally left
Too sloshed to linger
He rode off in his sled
And gave them the finger
Then all of the villagers
Rose up with great cheer
And hoped that The Claws
Died before the New Year!
Beryl wiped the BBQ sauce off her face, let out a delicate BURRRPPP and said, What a meenie!
Barry said, I DON'T WANT TO GO THERE.
Wasn't planning on it, said Dr Whom. But just as she was about to reset the Time/Space Continuum controls, The Target was locked into a Rain Deere tractor beam and pulled towards the dreaded planet San-Tar...
Oh Lawd, groaned Whom, Now we're for it.Why?
Well I have yet to tell you the most worstest thing of all about San-Tar.
I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THIS, said Barry, nervously.
No you certainly won't like the sound of it, replied the Doctor with a shudder.
WHY NOT?
Well you see, they like a particular kind of music.
WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT THAT?
Because they like it so much that they play it 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
WHAT MUSIC IS THIS? I MIGHT LIKE IT.
I assure you, you won't. Each song is known as an X-Mess Caterwaul but they have certain favourites that they play over and over again, day and night.
CAN YOU GIVE US AN EXAMPLE?
Well there's, While shepherds wash their c*cks at night for example.
You can't wash a clock, snorted Francis, it'd go rusty. Give us another one.
Okay, wash your ears out and listen more carefully. Here's another example ...
...'Wrecking around the X-Mess tree." It's utter carnage by the time they've finished singing.""Well, they can kip there honds off my ASDA delvery vann," Beryl said out loud.
"Another example of their songs is...
... Rudy the red nosed raindeer, had a very shiny wick, and when ever he lit it, everybody saw his d*ck. Reelly? said Beryl. Wuz it a big wick?
The biggest, said Dr Whom.
Oh my, blushed Princess Diana. What else did they sing?
Yes, said Francis, and are there any that you actually like?Hardly, said Whom, but the least-worst one I can think of, goes something like this, Ahem.
I'm dreaming of a sh*te X-Mess
Just like the one I used to know
Where tree tops glisten
and children listen
To Grandad p*ssing in the snow
....
"Why was Grandad just passing?" asked Francis. "I am told that crisp snow makes a crunching sound when you walk on it.""Hmm, you really DO need to wash out your ears, Donkey-dude," said Whom. "Anyway, here's another one:
When Santar got stuck up the chimney,
he began to shout:
you grills and buoys won't get no joys if you don't pull your fingers out.
I was reared in black, my foot's in my sack
the rose is prickling, too,
When Santar got stuck up the chimney,
Har-choo, Har-choo, Har-choo."
"That's utter nonsense," said Francis. "Why sing that, and what does 'Har-choo' mean?"
"Har-choo is a demon. Uttering his name 3 times, spinning round as you say it and tossing a pinch of salt over your left shoulder into the demon's eye is meant to ward him off."
"I'd have fought chucking salt into his face was likely to get him even more madderer," Beryl suggested.
"Maybe," Dr Whom agreed, "but best not to attract him in the first place."
"AND HOW DOES ONE GO ABOUT ENSURING THAT?" asked Barry.
"Well, replied Whom, "...
... but just as she was about to explain, a dark mist seeped into The Target and swirled around the bridge. It spun itself into a misshapened shape, with glowing green eyes and hair of fire. The Travellers gasped when an eerie voice emanated from its nostrils. What are you? whispered Francis.
Do you not know me?! said the voice. I am the demon Har-choo!
BLESS YOU! said Barry.
Er... thanks? said the voice. Where was I? Oh yes, I am the demon Har-choo and I have been summoned!
Who summonered you? asked Beryl.
I do not know, said the demon. I was minding my own business plucking the wings off of snow fairies in San-Tars Village when somebody said my name 3 times.
Dr Whom glared at the Travellers and said, I TOLD you to use salt!
Sorry maam, said Crocky. I used ta last of it ta season me lunch.
What do you want from us? whispered a frightened Francis.
Whatever you like, smirked the demon.
Don't do it! cried Sir David. Never make a deal with a demon for they cannot be trusted! I know because once I was filming a...
Wate a minnit, said Beryl. Maybee if we asks nisely, he can brings us home.
Home? said Francis wistfully. That would be nice. I could see my mudder, my fadder, my grandmudder, my grandfadder, my uncles, my aunts, my cousins, my nieces, my nephews, and my bestest friend Muley again!
Beryl said, I cood gets my old job back at ASDA, even a promonotion!
Crocky said, I kin see me ol' frinds in da swamp!
Archbishop Desmond said, Amen to that, brother! And I really need to change my under-robes.
The demon laughed and said, All you have to do is say my name 3 times and all your dreams will come true!
Wut wuz your name again? asked Beryl as she polished her old ASDA badge with CillitBang.
I am Har-Choo! said the demon.
BLESS YOU! said Barry.
...
Would you mind not doing that? said Har-Choo. Being blessed is not exactly what a demon wants you know.SORRY, said Barry, secretly thinking that this might be a useful weapon later if things went wrong.
Meanwhile Desmond was thoughtfully fingering his crucifix, waiting for Beryl to finish with the CillitBang so he could restore the shine on it.
What's it like being evil, he asked Harchoo, I mean do you enjoy it or don't you really have a choice?
Harchoo heaved a sigh. It's a long story, he said. You see ..
... my mother, You-Hoo met my father, Ahh-Choo one dark and stormy night at the semi-millennial Demon's Death and Destruction Dance on the volcanic Isle of Chaos and Carnage. All it took was one evil glare into each others glowing green eyes and they knew they were soulless-mates for eternity. Alas, the Hoos and the Choos were sworn enemies, due to a dispute over who won the last Bedeviled Brownies Bake-Off, and would not approve their union. After a glorious night of demonic passion, You-Hoo became with child and the couple decided to elope. Aww... said Beryl. Thats soooo romantical!
It would have been, said Har-Choo, but on the way to Lost Vegans, my father tripped over a bogdalite, fell into the Pit of Green Goo, and was never seen again. My mother gave birth in a seedy motel on the outskirts of San-Tars Village, and we swore to the Dark Lords that we would exact our revenge!
Aww... said Beryl. Thats sooooo sad!
Eh, said Har-Choo. It's a living. Now, who wants to make a deal?
Well, said...
... Beryl, "I does, butt, I wants to read the small print. No unwanted consekwences for me."Oh dear, thought Harchoo, Usually I only have to deal with idiots who make a wish without thinking and leave me plenty of wriggle room to be evil.
"So", he said cautiously, "What sort of deal do you want?"
Beryl took out her ASDA notebook and pencil and started to write. After a few minutes she looked up and said ...
... duz anybody have a penisil sharpenter?The Travellers checked their pockets but couldn't find one.
No worries, my dear, said Har-Choo. Here is a lovely pencil sharpener just for you!
Thanks! said Beryl and began to write again. Then she said, Duz anybody have a erazor?
The Travellers looked everywhere but came up empty-handed.
No problem, sweet-cheeks, said Har-Choo. Here's a brand new eraser just for you!
Thanks! said Beryl as she began to write again. Then she squinted and said, Duz anybody have any readering glasses?
The Travellers emptied all their pockets and Francis's backpack, but couldn't find any.
Whatever you need, luv! said Har-Choo, as he placed a pair of sparkly eye-glasses on her freckled nose.
Thanks! said Beryl and began to write again. Then she said, Duz anybody knows how to spell Head Casheer?
Dr Whom said, In my universe, we spell it Cashere.
Diana said, At the royal palace, we spell it Cashiere
Sir David said, In my last award-winning documentary, I spelled it Cashier.
No no, said Francis. Remember the rules of grandma... I after E except after C.
Archbishop Desmond said, But the lord put a C in the beginning of Cashier, just as he did in the beginning of all ... er... things and... um... words that start with the letter C.
Tis may be, said Crocky, boot Kashier begins wid a K.
Barry said, I LOVE CASHMERE! IT'S SO SOFT AND WARM AND SNUGGLY AND...
Har-Choo interrupted The Travellers and said, Would you people excuse me for a moment? I'm just going to go behind that bush over there and rip my ears off, because I can't possibly listen to your inane human drivel for one more second, so please continue this scintillating conversation in my absence, and when you make up your tiny little insignificant brains about what you want, just call my name and I shall return.
Wait, said Francis. Should we call your name 3 times again or just once?
I think once should be enough, said Dr Whom, since we already summoned him three times the first time.
Diana said, I think we should follow Demon Protocol and call him three times again, just to be polite.
Crocky said, Boot ta man won't be havin any ears so how kin he hears us?
Rocky woke up from his nap and said, Who was that scary dude?
The satanic entity calls himself Har-Choo, said Desmond
BLESS YOU! said Barry.
...
...Rocky continued, And by the way, where did that bush come from?
WHAT BUSH?
That bush in the corner of the Target control room. There appears to be someone hiding behind it.
OH THAT BUSH. YOU MEAN THE ONE BEHIND WHICH YOU CAN HEAR RIPPING SOUNDS AND CRIES OF ANGUISH?
Aaargh! came a cry from behind the bush, I can't take any mo-o-o-o-re of this. Here I was, summoned for the first time in 500 years and perfectly willing to perform my evil deeds and ...
The diatribe stopped and was replaced by sobs of frustration.
My, my, said Beryl ...
... he's such a sensiterve demon.You would be too, said Dr Whom, if you were hiding in a prickly bush.
Why do we have a prickly bush on The Target? asked Francis.
Because of our new mascot, said Dr Whom.
WE HAVE A PET? asked an excited Barry. I LOVE PETS!
When did we get a pet?! asked the equally excited Diana.
It's not a pet! said Dr Whom. It's a mascot! Remember the dinosaur that The Target beamed aboard during the space/time continuum malfunction?
Oh yes! said Beryl. I amember Dino! He's so kute!
But why do we have a prickly bush? asked Brother Desmond.
It's what young dinosauruses prefer to eat, said Sir David. I once studied the habits of...
Crocky said, I doona tink ta demon be too happy bout sharin it.
I think you're right, chuckled Dr Whom.
After several minutes of agonized screeching, Har-Choo untangled himself from the prickly bush and said...
..."Stuff you lot, and stuff the turn key. We demons from the X-Mess zone get terribly fragile around this season. I can't take any more.""What season is that, then?" Diana asked. "We have been flitting around for so long and over such a distance that I have clean lost track of time."
"Tis the season 2-Bejollie, Falla-Lalla-La, La-La, La-La," Har-Choo advised.
"What happens during 2-Bejollie, then?" asked Rocky, wondering if it might suit racoons.
"Never mind what happens," said Francis, "what is that Falla-Lalla chant, and whatever happened to 1-Bejollie?"
"Ah, now that is another story," replied the demon. "1-Bejollie was...
... the first Demon King of my tribe. His beloved daughter, Lalla, married the brave warrior, Falla, and together they bore 5 demonettes, La, La, La, La, and La. King Bejollie the Ist and his wife, Queen Angelina Bejollie, so admired Falla for his pillaging, plundering, and procreation skills, they decided to name him successor to the throne. But their son, Bejollie the 2nd, was enraged by being kicked out of the Royal Lineage, and in a fit of jealousy, banished the King, the Queen, Falla, Lalla, La, La, La, La, and La to the BoughsofHolly Penal Colony, where they will spend eternity decking the halls and donning gay apparel.
That duzn't sownd so bad, said Beryl.
Bad?! cried Har-Choo. It's more than bad! The worst punishment a demon can go through is being forced to put up X-Mess decorations and wear colorful clothing!
But, said Francis. Why are you wearing glowing green robes?
Har-Choo blushed and said, My girl-fiend gave them to me last XMess as a joke gift in our Secret Satan Swap. She said they matched my glowing green eyes. And, all my other robes are in the laundry.
DON'T FORGET TO SEPARATE YOUR WHITES FROM YOUR DARKS, said Barry helpfully.
Aye, said Crocky. I fergot one time an terned all me undies pink.
Princess Diana said, I love pink!
Sir David said, Actually, pink is quite...
Anyways! said Dr Whom. What's with the song, and what happened to King Bejollie the 2nd?
Har-Choo wiped a tear from his eye and said, Every XMess season, we sing the song to lament the loss of our beloved Royal Demons. Then he scowled and said, As for the new king...
... but there was a loud whoosh and the Target took off into the unknown, taking the travellers with it. Harchoo and his bush simply disappeared.WHAT HAPPENED?! exclaimed Barry.
I think we've left X-Mess behind, said Whom.
Where next? said Diana.
I think we're in for some time travel, replied the doctor.
WHERE ARE WE HEADED?
I'm not sure but I think we're going to end up in a completely new year. One that we've never visited before.
Oh ...
...well, I hope it's a happy one where we are head-dead to," said Beryl, "cos heavyins nose many ones we've scene aren't.""Yes, it's a rather good point, actually," said Archbishop Desmond. "Can you try and choose a happy new year for us to visit, please, Doctor."
"Which would be your bestest ever year to visit?" Francis the mule asked the travellers.
"Ooo, let me see," considered Rocky.
"Gonna cry, gonna cry!" squawked Gusto.
"Well," piped up Diana, getting in her request first, "my favourite year ever would be...
... the year I turned sweet one hundred and sixteen, and graduated from The Royal Princess School of Etiquette and Emoluments. Dr Whom gaped at Diana and said, How old ARE you?!
Shush, said Beryl as she glared at the doctor. No worryes, Dianer. You duzn't look a day over one hundered!
And, Diana continued wistfully, my Royal Parents held a big bash for my coming-out party at the Grand Royal Chastity Cotillion.
COMING OUT OF WHAT? asked Barry.
And I danced from sunset to sunrise, said Diana with a sigh, and had many Royal Suitors vying for my hand.
Why did they want your hand? asked Francis. If you're going to dance, don't you need your feet?
The noive! said Beryl indignantly. If it wuz me, I'd have given them sumthing to vy about!
Then, said Diana, my Royal Parents presented me with a princess-cut diamond tiara with matching princess bag and princess shoes, a pony I dubbed Sir Prancelot, and a lifetime membership to the Princessess-R-Us Royal Pub and Hub, where I had my very first cocktail.
Aye, said Crocky. I do like ta cock tails, except when ta feathers get stuck in me teeth.
After a few more moments of wistful thinking, Diana blushed, and with a sly smile on her face said, It was a really good year!
Okay then, said Dr Whom. We've got one vote for the Year of Lost Virginity. Anybody else have a favorite new year?
Well, said...
...Beryl, "if we're reminder-issing about lost virginals, I have a tail to pull... sorry, tell.""DO TELL, THEN," begged Barry.
"It wuz the year I'd started at Asda - a mere noviss in the game of groceryies. I ventured into the delivery wear-house to grab sum ladies fingers when Bert the flirt from the wet fish counter came in for sum dab and a bucket of ice. He cornered me up against his pollock and when I told him "mitts off", he just maintained he was hard of herring."
"THINK I'VE HEARD THIS STORY," Baz said. "IS IT ANYTHING TO DO WITH BERT WANTING TO FILLET ON THE FISH SLAB?"
"I'm not going to go into THAT much detail," Beryl replied. "However, I went into the wear-house a girl, but came out a woman."
"What do you mean?" asked Rocky. "Are you saying you had your 18th birthday while you were in there?"
"No," Beryl replied, "I mean...
... I becamed a wooman.YOU USED TO BE A MAN? asked Barry.
No no, said Beryl. I meen Bert the Flert plucked my flower that nite.
Gee, said Francis. I hope he traded you for some seeds. One time I traded my horseshoes for some seeds from a travelling salesman and when I planted them a huge beanstalk grew all the way up into the clouds and my friend Jack and I climbed it to the very top but all we found was a cranky goose and some shiny yellow eggs, so we chopped down the beanstalk and made a nice salad.
Wait! said Dr Whom to Francis. Don't you realize you found the goose that lays the golden eggs?!
Sure I do! huffed Francis. We also had an omelette.
Actually, said Sir David. The mythology of the Golden Goose is quite interesting. I once...
Excuse me, said Princess Diana to Beryl. What exactly DID happen that night?
She got laid! She got laid! squawked the parrots.
Ah, said Brother Desmond. She's a fornicator.
I am NOT a Forniculator! said an indignant Beryl. I'm a Bapitist.
Okay then! said Dr Whom in a quick segue. That's 2 votes for the Year of Lost Virginity. Does anybody else, anybody at all, have a really good year they'd like to go to?
I do, said....
...Crocky, "the year 666"."HUH, THE YEAR OF THE DEVIL?" asked Baz.
"Nooooooo!" cried Desmond, "surely not! Why go there?"
"Och, ah meant 1666, hen, an' don't be callin' me Shirley, d'ye hear. Why, it were the year o' the great fire o' the home o' sassenachs, London. Hoots, why we can either stand ootside o' the bakers shop in Puddin' Lane wi' a pail o' water to prevent it spreadin', or we can use it to toast some crumpets. What d'ye say?"
"Well," said Dr Whom, "I say...
... we move on from Crocky's crispy critters and ask someone else what year they'd like to go to.Well, said Brother Desmond. We can go back to the year I began my search for truth, justice, and the American way.
YOU WERE SUPERMAN?! asked Barry.
No no, said Dez. It was the year I joined the BBB.
The Better Business Bureau? asked Francis.
No, it was the Brotherhood of Bothersome Brothers. Our mission was to go forth and spread the word of The Chosen One.
Ahhh, sighed Beryl. Yoo meen the great aktor Chris Hemsworth. He can spread my...
NO! said Dez. I mean... I mean... Wait a minute. What DO I mean?
Princess Diana shook her head and said, Never happened, dear. You were perfectly fine until you fell into the Pit of Green Goo and came out preachin'. We've been trying to get you back to your old self since 3 planets ago.
It's an interesting thing... mind control, said Sir David. I myself have...
So! said an exasperated Dr Whom. Does anybody else have a destination remotely based on reality?!
Rocky said, How about...
...year 1? Then we can simply travel forward at speed doing a review of history, and only stop longer at any that take our fancy.""Ooo," said Beryl, "You no, I dew belief...
... that's a grate idear!I agree, said Dr Whom. But just as she was about to push the Year One button on the space/time continuum machine, she sneezed several times and instead hit the year 2020. Damn allergies! she said right before she passed out.
The Target took off at warp-speed which knocked The Travellers out cold. It flew throughout the multi-verses desperately trying to find a place to land. Finally, it recognized a previous location and decided it was a good spot as any to set itself down.
The first to wake up was Barry. Hey, he said. Where the heck are we?
Barry! said a groggy Beryl. You're no longer talking in capital letters!
No need to shout, said Barry. And by the way, you're now using proper English.
Desmond woke up and said, Why am I wearing these black robes and have a fake halo around my head?
You're back to your old self too! said Rocky.
Aye, said Crocky. I too be feelin me fine ol' green-scaled self!
Princess Diana gasped and said, Look at my nails! Does anybody have a royal emery board?
Sorry, said Sir David. I used the last one to file down the parrot's beaks, because I once filmed an award-winning documentary about the dangers of jagged bird-beaks and ...
Francis looked out the window and said, Gee. This place looks awfully familiar.
Dr Whom opened The Target's door and The Travellers gazed upon a very hot, very humid, and very lush green forest.
Where do you think we are? asked Barry.
Dr Whom shook her head and said, I think we're Up the Amazon again.
Gonna die! Gonna die! squawked Macky, Marco, Gusto, and Squawky.
Well hell, said Beryl.
"...what's that official-looking notice attached to that tree?""Best go and check it out," replied Francis. "Wouldn't do to be caught trespassing where we shouldn't."
Dr Whom opened the door of the Target, Rocky leapt up onto Francis's back and yelled "Heigh-ho, Silver!"
"The name's Francis, not Silver, I'll thank you to remember."
The mule trotted through the undergrowth as far as the tree with the noticed attached and tried to make sense of the message.
"Can't make sense of the message," Francis said.
"I reckon it's in Portuguese," Rocky told him.
"How about the second paragraph?"
"I reckon that's in Spanish."
"How about the third?"
"Italian."
"And the next?"
"German."
"The fifth?"
"French."
How about the last one?"
"Double Dutch."
"Ah, you mean English. Right, well, I'm a mule, so I definitely can't read it."
"Why did you offer to be the one to check the notice out, then?"
"Because I've had such a small part in the story recently, it was a way of making sure folk don't forget me."
"Well, Francis, this sounds serious. Reckon we need to take the notice back to the others for their opinions."
Francis reached forward and grabbed the notice in his teeth, turned and trotted back to the Target, while Rocky pretended to be riding a bucking bronco.
"Looks like things have been a foot while we've been away," the raccoon warned the anxious crew of the Target as they approached.
"A big smelly one?" Beryl asked, gazing at an extremely large footprint stamped into the forest floor.
"Well, decide for yourself," Rocky replied, and he read out the wording of the notice he could manage to cope with.
"Anybody who has a new, prolonged cough or raised temperature should self isolate for a period of (add your own preferred period of time here to suit how long before the next person adds to the story). Do not spread the Verona Virus to the beasts of the forest - and this means YOU. Please note, Verona Virus has attacked all forms of pasta which are no longer available anywhere. Meatballs and Chianti are now nearly extinct. For further information check out www.veronavirus.cough in the huge web hanging above your head."
"Verona Virus?" asked Sir David. "Why, I remember making an award-winning documentary about two gentlemen who used to live there when I were an aspiring film editor."
"NEVER MIND THAT!" advised Barry, actually shouting a warning this time. "Look up there in that huge worldly-wide web. Have you seen that...
Verona has developed a new and cunning way to infect people?Oo'er, what's that?
Well it takes the form of a jumbo size pack of toilet rolls. It lies in wait on street corners and then when someone goes to pick it up ...
...it bursts open, showering its victim with paper-thin ah-tissue, binding them as if they were a mummy.""Well, I do believe it is Mummy's Day today," advised Beryl. "Bet sales of flowers and chocolates went well at Asda."
"A news report on my mobile phone says it's pasta and hand sanitizer that have gone well," Sir David told her.
"Huh? Flamin' strange presents to buy your mum, if you ask me," she replied.
"All that paper ah-tissue covers all the pastilles, as well," Barry added.
"Don't you mean pustules?" asked Desmond. "I'll bet they are really large, ripe ones."
"No, I mean pastilles. Asda have sold out of those, as well, apparently. Somebody is getting a kick sticking them all over victims of Verona Virus. The notice warns that pizza has been attacked, as well."
"Och, jings, and help ma bob, ah wuz gonna suggest we phone DeliverYou and ask them to send us a 15" meat feast wi' fries and garrrlic bread," groaned Crocky.
"I'd rather the vegetarian option," Francis declared.
"Nah, it needs to be pepperoni," said Rocky.
"4 cheese, preferably," Diana offered, not wanting to miss out.
"I said, all the pizza has gone," Barry repeated, "as has all Italian produce."
"What!?" exclaimed Beryl, "does that include...
...alphabetti-spaghetti as well? I love seeing how many words I can make on me plate. D'you know, I once managed to spell all the names of Boyzone before it went too cold to eat.""Quiet, innit?" said Francis.
"Guess everyone is trying to remember the names of the Boyzone members," Beryl suggested.
"No, I mean there are no usual jungle sounds - listen."
"He's right," Diana agreed. "Surely all the critters aren't asleep?"
"Perhaps they're hibernating," Rocky offered.
"Och, d'ye think they could be practicin' social distancin', y'know, keepin' twa meters apart?" asked Crocodile Dundee.
"Huh? Where have you heard that?" asked Desmond.
"It's in small print across the bottom of the notice Francis pulled from the tree," advised Rocky.
"But we haven't been keeping to that distance ourselves," Barry said.
"Gonna die, gonna die!" squawked Gusto.
"I remember making an award-winning documentary about ants and social distancing," Sir David advised. "Do you know-"
"Well, should we start to keep our distance?" Diana asked.
"Depends," replied Barry. "Have you...
... any suggestions?Well, replied Diana, maybe we could self-isolate inside the Target. How many rooms are there Doc?
Hmm... mused Who, Well there are many, many rooms in the Target. More than anyone has ever counted. The last doctor who tried to map them got lost without trace and has never been found. The good news is that there is video conferencing between some of the rooms, using something called Amazon Elixir, and most have access to a food dispenser. However the bad news ...
Mudder Macree looked very pleased.
Thank you your Majesty. You have passed the final test in a most admirable way and are now ready to be crowned!
So, said a relieved Beryl, What is your advice?
Oh that challenge was only hypothetical and you have passed with flying colours so there is no further need to test you.
Blimey! thought Diana, I wouldn't have credited that Beryl with being so clever.
Now, cried Mudder Macree, clapping her moley paws. It's party time!!!
Yippeee ...