Amazon exiles discussion
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Carry On up the Amazon
... Hello!Geez, said Beryl. That was sort of anticlimaxtic.
Suddenly, another strange little creature came running down the steps. He was 3 and 3/4s feet tall, with big beige ears, a long beige tail, wearing a being military uniform and a beige felt hat with a feather on top. His beige whiskers twitched when he spoke...
Hello! he said, as he swept off his hat and bowed to The Travellers. I am Major Doormouse, and it is my utmost pleasure to welcome you to the fabulous Hottentot Hotel!
Hello, said the Travellers.
Hello! said Major Doormouse. Come on in and make yourselves at home!
The Travellers entered and were somewhat stunned by the lobby. The room was huge, but all the walls were painted beige. They were adorned by beige tapestries and the beigest of artwork. The carpet and chairs and sofas were all beige, and a huge beige chandelier hung overhead.
Well, said Beryl. It's quite monochromatic, but it is in keeping with the theme of 22nd century minimalism predicted by Sir Arthur Conehead Doyle.
How can you possible know that?! asked a stunned Diana.
I read it in the National Enquirererer when I was a cashier at ASDA! scoffed Beryl.
Then the Travellers were escorted to the front desk, where they were introduced to a woman wearing a beige dress, beige stockings, beige shoes, beige finger-nail polish, a beige bouffant, and a beige hat with a feather on top.
Hello! she said, My name is Miss Ecru! Welcome to the fabulous Hottentot Hotel!
Hello, mumbled The Travellers.
Hello! said Miss Ecru. Here are your keys which are color-coded to your rooms. You may have your choice of Ivory, Almond, Vanilla, Mushroom, Cream, Latte, Tofu, Extra Light Coffee With Two Sugars, or Sand!
I DON'T THINK THE FABULOUS HOTTENTOT HOTEL IS GOING TO BE ALL THAT FABULOUS, whispered Barry.
Mackey, Squawky, Gusto, and Marco cried...
Hello! Gonna be bored! Gonna be bored!
When they finally got to their rooms, The Travellers were too tired to care about their surroundings and settled in for a much needed rest. But when they awoke in the morning..
... and looked in the mirror, they were all beige!Beige hair, beige skin, beige eyes and beige clothes.
In fact when they met for breakfast it was difficult for them to see each other against the background of the beige wallpaper and the beige furniture.
After exchanging a few words of concern, they headed to the breakfast buffet where everything on the menu was beige, for example ...
... what are those long strips of ripply things? asked a very nervous Francis.Crocky said, No worries mate. I got this. Crocks be color-blind so we be evolved to use our other senses to determine food. Besides, there be a menu taped to the wall. Let's see, those long strips of ripply things be bacon. Those oval-shaped things be eggs. Those square things be toast. Those round things be either Muffins o' the Sassenach or Bagels, and that thing on that platter over there tis some kind o' ham.
How do you know it's ham? asked Rocky.
I heards it oink just afore I stabbed it wid me fork, said Crocky.
Hello! said Dr Whom. I'm hungry! Let's eat and we'll worry about it later when we...
... have found some beige plates and beige cutlery amongst all the other beigeness.I'll find them, volunteered Crocky, except that, well, being a croc, I'm more or less at ground level so someone will have to lift me up.
DON'T WORRY, said Bazzer and he hoisted Crocky onto his shoulders.
Ooh, I'm not used to heights, I think I'm about to ...
... swoon! No wait. Crocks don't be aswoonin. We intentionally hits the ground in a manly-man way so I not be... SPLAT! WHAT HAPPENED TO CROCKY? asked Barry.
He swooned, said Rocky.
Yes he did, said Beryl admiringly as she held Crocky's great beige head on her lap. But he did it in such a manly-man way!
Crocky woke up, looked deep into Beryl's eyes and said, What a woman!
Beryl blushed, looked deep into his eyes and said, What a Croc!
Hello! said Dr Whom. Let's just move along and...
... try to figure out why everything, including us, is beige!That's easy! said Major Doormouse. The Hottentot Hotel is where folks come to relax on their way to see (shudder) the Pontificating Pissard of Bog. Everything here is meant to calm the soul, ease the mind, and soothe the bod!
My bod is already bored! said Beryl. Can we go now?
Hello! chuckled Major Doormouse. We have lots of exciting things planned for you! Here is your itinerary!:
9 am: Breakfast! Dry toast, non-fat yogurt, poached egg, 1/2 grapefruit, skim milk!
10 am: Shuffleboard!
11 am: Nap!
12 noon: Lunch! Choice of Vegetarian Soup (Pass! shouted the Travellers), or Tofu Casserole.
2 pm: Nap!
4 pm: Bingo!
6 pm: Dinner! Choice of boiled beef, steamed seaweed, or coddled chicken, with a side of Vegetarian soup (pass!), and a no-chocolate chocolate cake for dessert!
8 pm: Karaoke in the Beige Room!
Ooh, said Beryl. I love Krackiokee! What will we be singing?
Only the best muzak ever! said the Major. We have Barry Manilow, The Carpenters, The Partridge Family's greatest hits, and even some songs by Elvis, from the blue suede shoe archives!
*Beryl swooned*
And at 10 pm! said the Major, It's time for tapioca and bed!
Goodnight Travellers, yawned Dr Whom.
Goodnight, said Crocky, Rocky, Sir David, Francis, and Diana.
Goodnight John-boy, said Des.
Squawk, said Squawky.
Squawk?! said Mackey, Marco, and Gusto.
Okay okay, said Squawky. Gonna die gonna die blah blah blah...
Uh oh, said Mackey. I think he's suffering from the Beiging Flew.
We must...
...get outa here. Squawk!""I agree," said Diana, "before we're invited to partake in some sea beiging. After all, I haven't brought my loincloth and 2 coconut half shells brassiere."
"That Major Doormouse says the Hottentot Hotel is where folks come to relax on their way to see the Pouting Pissard of Bog," said Dr Whom. "But, if everything here is meant to calm the soul, ease the mind, and soothe the bod, we're in danger of merging with the background and dying of boredom. Anyway, I haven't got a time travellers' cossie, either."
"I have," advised Beryl, "I call 'em me grundies. Asda's finest."
"WELL, I'M ALL FOR STAGING A BREAKOUT," whispered Barry. "I CAN SQUIRT SOME CILLIT BANG ON THE CCTV CAMERAS TO DISGUISE OUR EXIT. WHO'S WITH ME?"...
Come on, said Beryl, That's not going to work.Why not? queried Diana.
Well, you know Barry. With his cleaning obsession, all he'll end up doing is polishing the Cillit Bang off again and making the images clearer than ever.
Everyone looked at Barry but he only hung his head.
It's true, he said, but I haven't had a proper chance to do any cleaning for absolutely ages. I'm getting desperate.
I know, piped up Des, How about you see if you can Cillit Bang the beigeness off us. As someone who is naturally dark-skinned I want to get back to my proper colour, not this horrible beige.
I'll try, said Barry, brightening up considerably. Who's first?
I'll go first, said Crocky, you can give my scales a good scrub and I won't even feel it.
So Barry got to work and ...
...was given the sack."WHAT'S IN THE SACK?" he asked.
"Some extra Cillit Bang and some good ol' Asda scourers," replied Beryl.
Barry set to with scrubbing each one of Crocky's scales, and the beiginess began to disappear.
"Och, hoots! Is ma tarrrrrtan colour beginning to shine through, hen?" Dundee asked.
"DUNNO, DEPENDS ON WHETHER THE McTAVISH CLOTH HAS A SORT OF MISSISSIPPI MUDDY BROWN COLOUR OR NOT," replied Barry.
"Gonna cry, squawk!" shreiked Marco
"Who's next?" asked Desmond, quite liking the beige colour of his mitre and vestments...
... I'll go next, said Sir David. For I've been through the desert on a horse with no name. It felt good to get out on the rain. Because in the desert, you can remember your name. And there ain't no one to give you no pain. Naturally, I filmed an award-winning documentary and a hit record about it, but ever since I realized that sand has a way of getting into areas where no granulars should ever go, I've been indisposed to anything beige. So... go ahead. Colorize me!Barry raised his hand and said, EXCUSE ME, SIR DAVID. BEFORE I GET OUT THE CILLIT BANG, MAY I ASK A QUESTION?
Of course, young man, said Sir David. What is it you'd like to know?
WHAT DID YOU CALL YOUR HORSE IF HE DIDN'T HAVE A NAME?
I... er... well... said Sir David. Technically speaking, the horse with no name was just a metaphor for the desolation of mankind and...
YES BUT, said Barry. IF HE WANDERED OFF, HOW DID YOU CALL HIM BACK IF HE DIDN'T HAVE A NAME?
Because it's...
AND IF HE DIDN'T HAVE A NAME, HOW WOULD YOU LET HIM KNOW IT WAS TIME FOR DINNER?
I...
I'M SORRY, SIR DAVID, said Barry. BUT ALL GOD'S CREATURES DESERVE A NAME.
He's right, said Des, as he twirled around in his flowing beige robes and re-adjusted his bishop's hat. You must give him a name.
A name! A name! Give him a name! squawked the parrots.
Fine! said Sir David. This is totally beside the point, but the horse with no name will now be known as... Sir David Esquire! Now will you PLEASE get out the Cillit Bang and rid me of this infernal beigeness!!!
Geez, snickered Beryl. How egotonistical of HisSelf. Who's next?...
"How about the parrots?" suggested Francis the mule. "They are meant to be colourful Scarlet and Blue & Yellow Macaws, not 50 shades of beige. Does your Cillit Bang clean feathers?""It might burn a bit, but it cleans everything," replied Barry.
"Squawk! Gonna burn! Squawk, gonna burn!" shrieked Marco and Mackey with Gusto. The 4 parrots stood in line behind Sir David, awaiting their turn.
"Good," said Beryl. "Now, who's next?...
"Well, I reckon I'll just wrap a multi-coloured scarf around my neck to add a bit of vibrancy to my outfit, just like my ne'er-do-well husband used to do, once upon a millennium," said Dr Whom. "I don't fancy a scrubbing brush on my bits, thanks all the same.""Yes, how about we all take it in turns using the Cillit Bang on YOU, Bazza?" Diana asked. "How about you showing us how well it works, first?"
"ER, WEEEELLLL," replied Barry, delaying the inevitable. "I THINK...
... I'M QUITE CAPABLE OF DOING THAT MYSELF NEXT TIME I HAVE A SHOWER.At this point there was a shriek from the doorway. They turned to see a distraught Major Doormouse.
What are you doing? he squeaked furiously.
Um, just de-beiging ourselves was the bemused reply. Why?
Don't you realise I was just about to take you to see the Pissard. He is very sensitive you know and can't stand bright colours - he can get very worked up about it.. What am I going to do? He's already summoned you. It's not worth my waistcoat and whiskers to delay.
Oops, sorry about that, said Diana, but don't worry ...
... if we're going to meet the Pissard, we must be ourselves, so all of this beigeness has got to go! We don't have time to Cillit Bang everybody (Barry sighed) so how do we get rid of it?I knows! said Beryl, as she pulled out her make-up case from her ginormous handbag. I've got the entire cosmetrics line from the Jacqueline Smythe's Collection of Horrendous Hues, sold exclusitively at ASDA. A little blush here, a little marascara there, and vwala! We be colorizered!
Several days passed during The Traveller's make-over, when Beryl put down her paint brushes and said, You all look marvelerous!
Crocky said, I thinks me eyelashes are stuck together, an I dinna even know I HAD eyelashes.
Rocky said, I'm not sure that Hot Petunia Pink is a good color for all of my nails.
Francis said, Try having four Purple Passionfruit hooves!
Diana said, This beauty mask has worked wonders for my skin, but I think my face is peeling off.
Sir David said, I must say, normally I DO look good in Royal Blue, but don't you think that matching eye-shadow is a bit over the top?
Barry said, OOOH! CHERRY-FLAVORED LIP GLOSS! YUM!
Father Desmond the Pious said, I hope no poor animals were used in the testing of these pagan products!
Of coursed not, said Beryl. ASDA only uses the finest of aminals.
Dr Whom, now wearing a spritz of Pepe le Pew's signature body spray collection, started singing... I feel pretty, I feel pretty, I feel pretty and witty and wry. I hate my ex-husband, and now that I'm pretty, I hope he shrivels and dies..
What's happening to Dr Whom? asked Diana, as she tried to put her face back on.
Hmmm, said Beryl. It seems she's having an allergeneric reaction to... men.
Ah, said Diana. That explains a lot.
Hello! said Major Doormouse. Check-out time is past due, and regardless of your garish coloring, off you go! And thank you for staying at the Hottentot Hotel! Bye now! Don't let the doormouse hit you on your way out!
Now which way do we go to see the Pissard of Bog? asked Rocky.
Doona ask me, said Crocky. I still canna open me eyes.
Then...
... then Barry said, WHY DON'T WE FOLLOW THAT SIGN OVER THERE THAT SAYS, THIS WAY TO THE PISSARD OF BOG?I don't know, said Princess Diana. It's getting kind of dark.
Just follow me, said Rocky. My Hot Petunia Pink nails will light the way.
So off went The Travellers down the path, until they came to a lovely gingerbread cottage nestled in the woods, with a sign on the front door.
What do it say? asked Crocky, still trying to peel his eyes open.
Diana, refusing to put her reading glasses on, squinted in the waning light and said, It says, The Izzard of Ogs, 999 Deviled Eggs Way, Manchestershiresheer, by the Sea.
Francis said, Um... no. It says, The Pissard of Bog, 666 Devil's Highway, Monster Lives Here, Go Away.
Should we knock him up? asked Sir David.
No! said Beryl. The last thing we needs is more little pissards running around here!
The lass has a point, said Crocky, who spoke Berylese. We must be verra careful when approachin a unknoown pissard. Why doona we jus knock on the door ta see if he be home? Now, who will be doin the knockin?
Then all of The Travellers spoke at one: You do it no you do it no I dont want to do it you do it I did it last time no you didnt I did it last time you do it bless us everyone squawk squawk gonna die gonna die squawk!
Suddenly, the door to the gingerbread cottage swung open and...
... a very old woman wearing a traditional witch's outfit and holding a broomstick confronted them. Unremarkable you may think, dear reader, for a gingerbread cottage, but she was all in beige from head to toe.Will you lot shut up, said the beige witch irritably, Have you any idea how much racket you're making? Bah - the youth of today!
Sensing it was his time to speak, Des, the great Desmond Tutu stepped forward.
Good day madam. I can assure you that at 87 I am no youth - despite, ahem, my remarkably smooth skin...
The beige witch cut him off.
Pah! she snorted. I'm five hundred if I'm a day. Don't talk to me about age you young whippersnapper.
Anyway what do you want and why are you in my front garden!
W-w-e were hoping to see the Pissard, stammered Diana, unusually taken aback by this force of nature.
Oh you were, were you? snapped the beige witch. I don't think so - not in those disgustingly bright clothes you're wearing. And, if you don't mind - use his full title when speaking about him. You're not family.
She squinted at them one by one as if to check whether any of these garish specimens could actually be relations.
At that moment a little voice piped up from inside the cottage.
Who is it Martha?
Oh just another lot of ignorant tourists, replied Martha over her shoulder in a noticeably gentler tone. They want to see you my dearest.
Are they beige? came the high-pitched reply ...
... as a boy and girl of no more than eight summers walked out onto the porch. Hi! said the boy, who was wearing a beige suit and beige hat with a beige feather on top. My name is Paisley, and this is my twin sister, Polkadot, she doesn't talk, and this is my Granny Martha. Welcome to our humble beige home! Would you like to play with us?Now now, said Granny Martha in a soothing voice. You know we don't talk to strangers. Then she pointed her bony finger at The Travellers and said, Who the H-E-double L are you and what do you want?! And make it quick. I've got gingerbread cookies in the oven and if they burn they'll be H-E-double L to pay!
Desmond Tutu came forward, straightened his robes, genuflected, and with a benevolent smile said, Greetings and be of good cheer, family of Bogs. For we have come in peace, and to worship at the feet of the omnipotent, the omniscient, and the omnipresent Pontificating Pissard of Bog.
Ha! snorted Dr Whom. We've come because this froot-loop got himself caught in a cloud of pious swamp gas, and now we've got to get the loony-toon deprogrammed back to his former unpious self, so we can return to our own dimension and get the H-E-double L out of here!
Beryl frowned at Dr Whom and said, To put it more kinderly... he's nutz. And why is everybody spellering?
Crocky said, Cain't be aswearin roun ta wee lads and lasses, eh luv?
Damn straight, nodded Beryl. Oh! I mean, damn S-T-R-A-T-E.
Granny Martha put her hands on her bony hips, spat and said, And just who was it that sent you here?!
It... it... it was Flo and her son Johnny, stammered Francis. From the Orinco Travelodge, sir... I mean ma'am, sir. I mean...your witchiness, ma'am...sir... ma'am...
Bah! said Granny Martha. My sister and nephew were always the most foolish of fools. Now begone, before I turn you all into slugs. The squishy kind!
Suddenly (ominous music here), dark beige clouds rolled over the land like deadly waves of darkness, obliterating the sun like a shroud of darkness, as lightning bolts streaked across the skies to make the darkness look even scarier, and the little gingerbread house shook to its very core. And an even more ominous voice from the porch said, NO GRANNY. I WANT TO PLAY!
WHO'S YELLING? asked BARRY.
Crocky whispered, Tis ta weird beige tyke on ta porch. Now shoosh.
Alrighty then! said a very pale and shaken Granny Martha as she stood and brushed the dust off her skirts. Who (gulp) wants to play?
I do! said...
...Francis. "Why not jump up on my back, and I'll trot around a bit, while the others sneak past... er, I mean, get invited in for a cup of pissard tea.""Huh, that soonds like the kind o' tea ma bonnie mairther used ta make. Why, if ah ain't feeling a tad homesick, ye ken."
"NO! I DON'T MEAN THAT KIND OF PLAYTIME," exclaimed Paisley, and a sickly grin appeared on the face of Polkadot.
"Pray, tell us what kind of play DO you mean, then?" asked Desmond, swiftly making the sign of the cross in front of himself 5 times. Polkadot pointed slowly at something behind the travellers. They all turned round. Diana gasped; Barry was speechless; Macky squawked in alarm. For there, behind, was...
... a life-sized game of Monopoly!Nooo! cried The Travellers. Anything but Monopoly!
What's wrong with Monopoly? asked a bewildered Francis.
Och! said Crocky. It be ta game tha ne'er ends. One time, me and me Clan played it fa ten years. Me verra own Grandaddy died on the Railroads, and no un even noticed til he did no come down ta supper.
One time, said Princess Diana, we played Monopoly in the Royal Palace, and King Hasbro was so incensed he landed on Park Place, he stabbed Himself in the eye with his little Royal Iron.
One time, said Beryl, we was playing Strip Monoply at ASDA when the manager comes in and...
Ahem, said Sir David. I once filmed an award-winning documentary about the history of Monopoly. It was designed by The Ancients to teach their prodigy about the value of owning property, and charging exorbitant rents until your neighbors had to move to a lower valued property and eventually filed for bankruptcy. Sometimes, the poor were allowed to Pass Go, but weren't able to collect 200 drachmas. And often, they were sent to Jail, unless they had a Freedom Card, which was quite rare.
I DON'T THINK I WANT TO PLAY MONOPOLY, said Barry.
Me neither! said Dr Whom. I can't spend the next %^&^*(^% ten years in this &*(*)(%$$ dimension! I have a mani-pedi appointment on Planet ^&&((*%$ in two weeks.
Language! said Granny Martha, as she whacked the doctor on the back of her head. Mind the wee ones!
Paisley pouted for a moment, and then said, Okay, as the Monopoly board disappeared. Let's play...
...crowquet.""What, you mean that game of balls and hoops, where Alice and co used Pretty Flamingos to clunk the balls?" asked Rocky.
"Huh? You be a well-red raccoon, incha?" exclaimed Beryl.
"One tries," replied Rocky.
"Our version of the game uses crows - hence the name," said Paisley. "It does mean having to bend over a bit, though."
"I'm game," said Francis.
"Be careful saying that in front of the crows," warned Sir David. "They are carrion birds. Why, I once filmed an award-winning documentary that showed how crows contribute heavily to keeping our highways and byways clear of roadkill - especially the numerous game birds."
"Right," said Polkadot. "Go and grab your crow from the cage at the side of the hotel. Hold it upside down under your right arm - unless you be a leftie. And watch out for those beaks."
The travellers looked at each other and waited for someone to lead the way.
"Erm," said Diana, "why don't you two youngsters...
... go get the crows. We'll set up the hoops and balls and meet you in the garden.Suddenly, dark clouds darkened the skies again and an ominous voice bellowed in the darkness, THE CROWS ARE GONE, AND NOW WE CAN'T PLAY CROWQUET!
I REALLY WISH THAT KID WOULD STOP YELLING, said Barry.
Granny Martha said, Now now, Paisley. I'm sure we can find something else. Why, I do believe I see some parrots over there who I'm sure would love to play with you.
Squawk Squawk Barrock Barrock Squawk! squawked the parrots as they suddenly took flight. (Let's get the H- E- double L outta here!)
Rocky said, I have an idea. Why don't we play...
... hide and seek. I suggest Paisley and Polkadot go and hide - preferably somewhere REALLY difficult - and we'll all come and hunt for you. Mind you, you mustn't come out of hiding until we locate you, or it'll spoil the fun.""GREAT IDEA!" said Barry, and all the travellers agreed. Paisley didn't really like the idea of not ruling the roost in any game he was involved in, but as all the travelling group seemed very enthusiastic about this game, he reluctantly agreed.
"YOU WILL KEEP ON LOOKING, WON'T YOU?" he asked, although it was more of a demand.
"Yes, of course we will," replied Diana, on behalf of the group.
"I know where I can hide," said Polkadot. "and you'll never find me."
"No?" asked Beryl. "Betcha we can - IF we look hard enough."
"No you won't," the girl said.
"Oh, yes we will," replied Francis and Crocky together.
"Won't, won't, won't."
"We'll see," said Diana, "but you'll have to hide well, keep quiet and not peek or leave."
"I CAN DO THAT - EASY-QUEASY," replied Paisley.
"Off you go then."
The pair ran off, crossed the roadway and disappeared behind a rocky mound that was topped by a sculpture which resembled a gigantic toilet cistern complete with chain and pull handle.
"Right, now we've got rid of THEM," said Diana, "let's go and...
... search the cottage. There may be something in there that we can use.But, said Francis with tear-filled eyes. We've come all this way. Isn't the Pissard of Bog going to help us to go home?
No! said Dr Whom. Apparently, the Pissard of Bog is just a snot-nosed little shite who has a temper-tantrum when he doesn't get his way!
Granny Martha snorted and said, Warned ya, I did.
Shut it, old woman! said Dr Whom. I'm in no mood for "I told you so's".
Granny Martha grabbed her broomstick and started dancing around the yard singing, Told ya so, told ya so, told ya told ya told ya so!
Why you! shouted Dr Whom. You'll be singing a different tune when I shove that broomstick up your...
A-S-S? offered Beryl.
Did somebody call me? asked Francis.
Enough! said Diana. Rocky, Francis, Sir David, Dr Whom and I will go into the cottage to search for anything that may get us home. Crocky will use his manly charms to distract Granny Martha. (Och! said Crocky). Beryl with keep the twins occupied with Hide and Seek. Desmond will... go bless something. Where is Des anyways?
Then the Travellers snuck into the cottage while Beryl ran up to the Cistern and started counting. One, too, three, fore, fiver, sixth, three, one, too, three, zero ...
But once again, dark clouds rolled over the lands, covering the darknesss with more darkness and making the darkness even darker. And a chilling voice came from the depths of the Cistern. You cheated! cried Paisley. When I get out of here, I will kill you all!
Suddenly, a great WHOOSH was heard, followed by several minutes of gurgling and rushing water.
What the H-E-double L was that?! said Beryl.
Desmond walked out of the shrubbery behind the Cistern and said, Oh sorry. I must have partaken of a bit too much sacramental wine and had to pee.
But what was that WHOOSHERING? asked Beryl.
Well, said Des. As all of the pious people know, cleanliness is next to godliness, so I washed my hands and flushed.
Granny Martha tore herself away from Crocky and said, Hoo boy! You're in for it now. The twins do NOT like baths and they HATE being flushed. I suggest you all skeedaddle before they swim their way back up!
Meanwhile, back in the cottage...
... The Travellers rummaged through the cottage looking for a clue that would get them home.Francis found a crockpot and said, Maybe we could cook up something with this?
No, said Dr Whom. That would take all day.
Diana found a whistling teapot and said, What about this?
No, said Dr Whom. It would just run out of steam.
Rocky found a bin full of trash and said, What about this?
No, said Dr Whom. It's rubbish!
Barry found a magic wand, but felt bad about rifling through somebody else's belongings, so he put it back in the drawer and said, I GOT NOTHING.
Sir David noticed the magic wand and said, Barry my boy. I once made an award-winning documentary about magic wands and...
Dr Whom said, That's it! Grab the wand and let's go!
Back at the Cistern, Crocky shouted, Ta evil tweens be floatin back up!
Beryl said, But I haven't countered to 100dreds yet!
Desmond said, As the good book says, it's the thought that counts.
Dr Whom smacked Des on the back of his head, grabbed the magic wand and said, Everybody... run!!!
And then...
... the wand kicked in and everybody started running.HELP! cried Barry. I'M RUNNING AND I CAN'T STOP.
Me too! came the chorus.
But where are we running to? gasped Beryl.
I think it might be back to the Target, puffed Des, hanging onto his mitre for dear life.
Wait for meee! called Crocky. I've only got little legs.
And so they all ran hell for leather back towards the Target, all traces of beige flaking off and dispersing in the wind like dandruff.
I think we might be heading for a new adventure. said Dr Whom as they topped a hill and the Target came into view.
LOOKS LIKE IT NEEDS A GOOD CLEAN, said Barry, reaching for his ...
... travel-sized Cillit Bang spray. He gave the magic wand a thorough cleaning and put it in his fanny pack.Yes! shouted Dr Whom. It's my beloved space-ship, Target! The one thing my good-for-nothing soul-sucking piece of excrement ex-husband didn't get his greedy little four hands and a pointy tail on. Everybody in!
As the Target left Planet Bog far behind them, Diana said, What's are heading?
My work here is done, said Dr Whom. I'll be happy to drop you off somewhere up the Amazon and I'm sure you can find your way home.
Bless you! said Brother Desmond.
WHO SNEEZED? asked Barry.
Nobody sneezeded, said Beryl. We can'ts go home until Dezzie is back to his old selfness.
Tis troo, said Crocky. Ta man be off his holy rocker.
Fine! said Dr Whom. I'll just have to find another way to get rid of... er... to get you all back home.
Barry pulled his shiny new Cillit-Banged magic wand out of his fanny pack and said, MAYBE THIS CAN HELP?
And then...
... visor while squinting into the sun and said, Look! I do believe that's a wormhole, and if I remember my award-winning documentary called Wormholes Are A Really Bad Idea, we should probably avoid it. Will it get us back to the Amazon faster? asked Dr Whom.
Possibly, said Sir David. Or it could send us into another dimension altogether.
Well, said Princess Diana as she glared at Desmond who was dancing around in a nun's habit playing a tambourine and singing Let the Sun Shine In. I say, let's go for it!
We agree! shouted The Travellers, as Des picked up a guitar and started singing We Are The World.
Okay then, said Dr Whom. Everybody put on your seat belts. We're in for a bumpy ride!
And then...
... Warp speed! she shouted.There was a horrible grinding of gears and the Target lurched forward towards the wormhole.
Can I smell burning? queried Barry.
Oh don't worry about that ...
...replied Dr Whom, it's just the Target's outer ceramic heat deflectors breaking up. They regularly do that. It just means you'll find it a tad warmer on re-entry. Here we go...""Geronimooooooooo!" yelled Francis.
"Och, an' who be that bein', then?" asked Crocky. "An Apache-style constellation in the vast reservation of space?"
"Whoooo caaaarrrres?" said Diana with a judder, as the Target jolted, twisted and spun its way through the Worm Hole - and then slowed, slowed and slowed, until it came to a halt, with the huge outside pressure causing the Target casing to creak and strain.
"ER, WHERE ARE WE?" Baz asked in a whisper.
"Dunno, perhaps the other side of the ooniverse?" suggested Beryl.
"Gonna die! Gonna Die!" squawked Mackey.
"Heaven is a half pipe..." sang Desmond.
"You know, I once made an award-winning documentary on half- and full-pipe skateboarding skills," advised Sir David. "Why, they even got me to try out this huge -"
"What's outside?" asked Diana.
"Nuffink," advised Beryl, "except fer inky blackness - and this weird serpent swimming towards us... at hooge speed."
"I'm putting us into reverse. Hold on everybody!" Dr Whom told them. The Target creaked, shuddered and then remained still - then suddenly shot backwards at phenomenal velocity as if it were attached to a fully stretched bungee cord and was returning to its original diving platform.
The faces of the travellers - even Crocky's leathery skin - were disfigured and flapped about in the G-forces as their lives flashed past the windows of the Target as well as before their eyes. Then, with a bump, bounce, slide and lurch, the Target came to a halt.
It had landed... somewhere.
With a waver in her voice, Beryl asked, "Wh-where are we?"
"Dunno," Dr Whom replied. "Why doesn't somebody take a look outside?"
"GOOD IDEA," said Baz. "YOU DO IT, ROCKY."
"Nah, I reckon Crocky should do it."
"Och, awa wi'ye. Send oot the parrots - that's wot Noah did wi' the doves."
"Waah! Gonna die! Gonna die!" squawked Gusto, and he put his head up his ars... under his wing.
"Everybody's talking about a new world in the morning..." sang Desmond, playing a harp that he had found in one of the Target's cupboards. Then, in between singing and whistling, he opened the Target's door and peered outside. He sniffed in the atmosphere, then turned round to face the others who were eagerly awaiting his verdict, and said...
... You won't believe this but ...Believe what? they chorused.
You won't believe where we are!
Where are we? Where are we?
I'll tell you where we are. We're somewhere totally different ...
What do you mean different?
Well, I'll tell you.
Tell use! Tell us!
Okay, I'll tell you. We are ...
...where we are.""Well, where is it where we are?"
"We are... well, let's start at the very beginning, it's a very good place to start."
"The beginning?" came the chorus.
"Yes. Doctor, do you have a selection of fig leaves in your wardrobe?"
"Why fig leaves?" Diana asked.
"Because, I believe this is... The Guarding of Ee-den. Nobody eat any forbidden fruit."
"Well, are we going outside for a look-see, then?" Beryl asked.
"CAN YOU POP OUTSIDE AND BRING ME BACK AN APPLE?" Baz asked.
Beryl looked at him and said...
... I'm not going out there while that massive great snake is there.Snake? exclaimed Sir David with sudden interest, Why, it was only ten years ago that I made an extra-ORD-inary documentary about ...
... it's the Garden of E-den! interrupted Des, jumping out of the Target. I'm virtually home!Not so fast! said a tall handsome man wearing nothing but a very small fig leaf and a sunburn. He strode up to The Travellers and said, This is a private oasis and strangers are not welcome!
Do not be rude to our guests, said a tall beautiful woman wearing nothing but two rather large fig leaves and one small fig. My name is Eva and this is my boyfriend, Allan. Welcome to our lovely garden. Would you like a nice juicy apple?
Nay! cried Allan. Tis forbidden! Just one bite and you shall be cast into the fiery pits of hell!
Ignore him, hissed a very large snake wearing a very long fig leaf as it slithered its way up to The Travellers, for no harm ssshall befall you. It'ssss jussst that He Who Sssshall Not Be Named doessss not like to ssshare.
Barry said, I WOULD REALLY LIKE AN APPLE, PLEASE.
Eva handed him one and he took a bite, then another, then another, and then... nothing happened. YUM, said Barry. MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?
Wait! cried Allan. Why are you not burning in eternal hell?! Does this mean we have been stuck in this stoopid E-den wearing nothing but itchy fig leaves getting sunburned in places that should never be exposed to the light of day for no good reason?!
Told ya ssso, cackled the snake.
Suddenly, an ominous Voice boomed from behind the shrubbery and bellowed, Who dareth partake of my apples without my expressly carved in stone permission?!
Dr Whom glanced at Des while he frolicked nekked amongst the fig leaves and said to the shrubbery, Listen buster. We're tired, we're hungry, and we need to get that froot loop over there out from under the influence of the holier-than-thou swamp gas so we can go home! Can you help us or not?!
I can, said the Voice, but there is a price to be paid.
We'll do it! said a frustrated Diana looking at Des who lost a few key bits of his fig leaf placement while dancing around a tree.
Tis no a good idear, whispered Crocky.
Uh oh, said Beryl. Be carefool what yoo wishers for.
Deal! said the Voice. Now all you have to do is...
... write the Bibble. I'll dictate and one of you must write it down.Not a problem! said Dr Whom, In the Target I have just the thing for that. Not only will it take dictation and print out the results but it will also check your grammar and spelling.
By Me! exclaimed the Voice. Things have moved on since I created this place. You'll be telling me next that ...
...Allan has Eva go through childbirth to have two babby boys.""Ooh, I 've always wanted two babby boys, Allan. Can I, please, eh, pretty please? I have two names in mind, as well - A Cane, and A Bell -perfick names for when they start something we have yet to invent, called 'Skool'.
"What the figleaf is 'Skool'?" Allan asked.
Eva told him all about what the sssnake had said they would inherit if they ate an apple from the large tree of No Ledge, which stood in the middle of the Guarding of E-Den:
"Silly. I thought everybody knew that! (Oh, hang on, you ARE everybody, aren't you!) Well, Skool is...
... where you learn knowledge. But isn't that what got us into trouble in the first place?
Yes but you have to admit the apples were tasty.
True. You know the thing that puzzles me is ...
What?
Well - What is it that keeps our fig-leaves from falling off? We haven't invented string or glue yet.
No, but we haven't invented gravity either. They don't know they are supposed to fall off.
I see. What happens if it gets windy though?
Well ...
... well, said Eva. It only gets windy in the Guardian of E-den when you eat too many beans for dinner. That is truth, said Allan proudly. For no man before me has broken such wind!
Francis said, How can someone be before him if he's the first man?
Don't ask! said Rocky. He may want to prove his wind theory.
Then The Voice said...
... testing testing. Is this thing on?Knock yourself out, said Dr Whom.
Ahem, said The Voice. This is the story of my life and will be henceforth recorded for all of eternity in my new book called The Holey Bibble. I have no beginning nor will I have no end. I have always been and will always be. I am what I am and that is what I am!
I know who he is, whispered Sir David. I once made an award-winning documentary about beloved cartoon characters from the 30's. I do believe he's... Popeye. I have his poster hanging on my wall back in my castle in England.
Ha! scoffed The Voice. I am not this PoppedEyed, for I am He who has always been and...
Well hell.
Moses turned up with a fire-extinguisher.Hi Mo, said Adam, what are you doing here and why the fire-extinguisher?
Well, said Moses, I'm looking for a bush.
Granted! declaimed the voice, You want a bush? I hereby invent gravity!
At that moment the fig leaves fell off and Eve screamed.
Hmm, said Moses, I see a bush but it's not burning.
The reply was not long in coming ...
... and as it was said, so it was written. Moses proclaimed... A bird in the hand is better than two in a bush, whereas Sister Beryl replied, Up yours, Mose! And get yours hands offa my bush!Squawk brack burrack! said Macky, Squawky, and Marco with Gusto. (Up yours, Moses, and get your hands outta our bush!).
Well, said Sir David. He has a point. I once made an award -winning documentary about the Bushmen of the Amazon and I...
Enough! said Dr Whom. We don't have time to write The Holey Bibble. We must get Desmond back to his degenerate former self. Can you help us or not?
The Voice said, No problemo. He turned to Des and said the Sacred Holey Words...
Double double toil and trouble
Fire burns and cauldrons bubble
He who has been possessed
Is no longer blessedly blessed
And though he is really badly dressed
He is now, just one of the rubble.
Desmond rubbed his face and said, Hey guys and gals! Did I miss anything?
Princess Diana rolled her eyes and said, Just get in the damn...
... drinks - You're paying.I see no bar, said Des.
It's in the Target, dummy.
What, I have to pay for drinks in the Target?
Dr Whom chipped in, Do you have any idea how much it costs to run the damn thing? I suppose you realise that the lot of you are running up a bill every day.
The explorers looked at each in dismay.
Ulp! vocalised Beryl. But I don't know I can afford it on my pay - even assuming I still have a job in ASDA when I get home. How much are you charging us?
Well, considering I've come to think of you as friends, I'll give you a special discount of 10%.
That's very generous, said Diana, but how much does that mean we will actually pay?
We-e-e-ll, let me see, replied Dr Whom, ...
... if a spaceship leaves the station heading East at 50 miles per hour, and another spaceship leaves the station heading West at 40 miles per hour, and another spaceship leaves the station heading South at 70 miles per hour, and another spaceship heading North at 60 miles per hour but broke down somewhere in The Amazon and spend an eternity plowing through numerous dimensions to get a froot-looping zealot back to his former self, I'd say you owe me one gazillion credits.GEEZ, said Barry. I HATE MATH.
Crocky checked his pockets and said, Och! I musta left me alligator wallet at home.
Francis looked in his backpack and said, I'd really like to pitch in, but I spent the last of my money on 2 pairs of new shoes.
Diana said, I spent every thing I had at The Orinco Travelodge Casino and Day Spa.
Beryl said, What spaceship?
Sir David said, Well I...
We be screwed, said Rocky.
You be screwed! You be screwed! squawked the parrots.
Dr Whom sighed and said, Maybe we can work out a trade?...
...the Voice said:"If you're going, hurry up and leave - and shut the garden gate behind you. I'm just about to invent apple cider and partying."
"I'm not partying with no snakes," said Beryl. "I'm outa here."
"All aboard who's coming aboard," cried Dr Whom. "I'm setting the consol for some time in the future."
"If this is 'the beginning', isn't any moment from here considered as 'the future'" asked Rocky.
"WHO CARES?" asked Baz, as he dashed into the Target.
"Och, dinna leave me behind!" yelled Crocky.
"I'm not touching your behind," protested Francis. The 4 parrots flew into the space and time craft and were hotly followed by Diana and Sir David. Desmond, holding his figleaf in situe now that gravity had been invented, was the last on board.
"You only just made it," said the Doctor.
"Lord sakes, I was closing the garden gate, as the Voice requested," the Archbishop replied.
"Talking of garden gates," mused Sir David, "I once made an award-winning-" then his voice was lost as the Target doors closed. The craft lurched forwards, then shot off into the blue skies at incredible speed.
"I w-w-w-w-wonder where we w-w-will end up next?" asked Francis. Beryl looked at him and said...
I don't know but I don't half need the ladies room. I wasn't going to squat behind a bush while that serpent was around.So saying she dashed off down one of the many corridors.
After a few moments there was a crash and a scream.
I suppose I'd better go and see what's happened said Diana.
She ran down the same corridor and once again there was a crash and a scream.
I think you should go and see what the matter is Barry, said Sir David thoughtfully.
Not me! said Barry, I can't do anything without my Cillit Bang, I must have left it in the Garden - I can't find it anywhere.
Well we're not going back for it now, said Dr Whom in an irritated tone. You've left it behind and now you'll just have to manage without.
I'm going to the Target's supermarket for another, said Barry huffily and he stalked off down a different corridor.
Hmmm, mused Dr. Whom, I wonder if he realises that corridor curves round and joins the other one?
Soon there was a crash and a yell.
Oh dear, said Sir David. I think I detect a pattern here. Someone had better go and find out what's going on.
Why don't YOU go? shouted everyone else.
Well, you see, said Sir D. slowly - giving himself time to think, I'm afraid I can't. It's like this: Back in 1953 when I was filming ...
...all year, it felt like From Here to Eternity, and I could so easily have directed a full feature movie, but one of the studio lights we were using to illuminate a chimpanzee's tea party we were filming for a well-known tea producer exploded and all our actors shinnied up the scenery and wouldn't come down again.""Oh, aye, and what happened, hen?" Crocky asked.
"We had to call for volunteers to don chimp costumes. All went well until our clapper board girl, who had transformed herself into a rather fetching female chimp, took time out to go to the loo."
"WHAT HAPPENED?" asked an absorbed Baz.
"George the chimp decided to go and 'introduce himself' to her. I ran down the corridor to the toilets and... and..."
"Yes?" echoed all the travellers who were now enthralled.
"...and there was George with Chloe our clapper girl on his lap, pouring her a cup of tea."
"What was wrong with that?" asked Beryl.
"The problem was what he was doing with his banana," Sir David replied. "She screamed, the tea service fell to the floor with a crash and George...
lalalalalalalala! said Dr Whom, as she held her hands over her ears. I don't care WHAT George was doing with his banana! Somebody needs to go check on Beryl, Barry, and Diana!Pssst, whispered Francis to Sir David. What DID George do with his banana?
Aye, whispered Crocky. I'd likes ta know too.
As would I, whispered a blushing Archbishop Desmond.
The Travellers turned to him with an astonished look on their faces and Rocky whispered, Dez!
Dez whispered, What? I may be a saint, but I ain't dead.
Dr Whom, still covering her ears with her hands said, I can hear you, you know!
Suddenly, more screaming was heard, and The Travellers rushed down the corridors and...
...saw Beryl and Baz trying to keep what appeared to be numerous spinning plates on flexible rods rotating. The floor was littered with broken fragments of several that had fallen."Don't just stand there," cried Beryl, "Help us. I'm crossing my legs, here. I still haven't been able to get to the loo yet."
"THIS IS LIKE PAINTING THE FORTH BRIDGE," Baz said. "JUST AS YOU MANAGE TO GET THE LAST PLATE SPINNING, THE FIRST ONE IS ABOUT TO STOP AND TUMBLE. WE NEED HELP, HERE."
"You're doing it wrong, you numpties," Dr Whom exclaimed. "The plates are meant to be on the floor and the rods balance on them. That's why you're struggling. It's why we've had a bumpy ride - this is the Target's stabiliser system, which is highly sensitive."
"I'm highly sensitive, as well," Beryl advised. "I don't like being called a numpty - you plonker."
"Don't call me a plonker, you eejit"
"I ain't an eejit, you...
"Fair Dinkum!" squawked Mackey.
"Squawk! Can't count!" squawked Gusto. "Two words. Squawk!"
"SOUNDED LIKE CARNAL" Barry suggested.
"No, it was 'Karma'," Archbishop Desmond advised.
"I don't think it was," said Diana. "I believe he said...