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Carry On up the Amazon
message 451:
by
Isabella
(new)
Nov 30, 2018 10:35AM
chocolate bar, borne triumphantly aloft by a cheering mob of sticky fingered...
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... minions. Hello, said the leader. My name is Toblerone. I am the Ambassador of Swizz, proprietors of the finest swizz chocolate, swizz cheeze, and assorted swizzlers. I have been sent to you by the great and all-powerful Plungerfull Pissard of Bog, and shall guide you on your quest. You can call me Toby. How may I...
Suddenly, Beryl tackled Toby, grabbed the monstrous chocolate bar out of his hands, said MINE! and stuffed it into her mouth.
Gonna get fat! Gonna get fat! squawked Mackey.
Dr Whom rolled her eyes and said, Please forgive her, Toby. We haven't had any chocolate since my sonofaswine ex-husband stole my spaceship and we've been on this sonofaswearword bucket of rust for a very long time.
I completely understand, said Toby, as one of his minions handed him another monstrous chocolate bar. Now, what can I...
Beryl shouted MINE! grabbed the chocolate bar out of his hands and stuffed it into her mouth.
Gonna get fat! Gonna get fat! squawked Gusto.
Princess Diana groaned and said, Please excuse her for her ill manners, Toby, for we have been travelling up the Amazon without any chocolate for a very long time.
No problem, grumbled Toby, as his minions handed him another monstrous chocolate bar. Why don't we...
Beryl stared at Toby with a glazed look in her eyes, started to leap and ...
Thare she blows! cried Crocky. Grab the wench afore she roons our chancers of meetin the Pissard!
As the Travellers restrained Beryl, Toby dusted himself off and said, This is NOT in my job description! Now, do you want to meet the Pissard or not?!
Barry said, YES PLEASE. WE NEED TO GET OUR FRIEND DES BACK TO HIS FORMER SELF. He sadly looked at Des who was blissfully picking dandylions and weaving them into a crown.
No need to shout! hurrumphed Toby. Just follow me down the chocolate brick road and we'll be off to see the Pissard. There's just one thing you need to watch out for...
(Gonna get fat and die! squawked Squawky and Marco)
...because of the extreme heat that we have around here, there may be pools of melted chocolate along the way. If anyone accidentally falls in, we may not be able to rescue them. The pools are inhabited by some extremely voracious mutant piranhas. They've lost their teeth as a result of being forced to live on chocolate but they are fully capable of sucking the essence from any living creature unfortunate enough to fall in. They haven't lost their appetites, only the means to indulge it and they'll take any opportunity to supplement their diet!At that moment a shriek went up from a few yards ahead and...
... the Travellers looked agape when they saw Beryl swimming in a pool of melted chocolate, biting the heads off extremely voracious mutant piranha, saying Yum! I do love me a fish-fry. Please excuse her, said Francis. We've been on a very long journey and..
I get it, said Toby. She's a chocoholic. It happens to the best of us. Why, one time I...
At the same time, Sir David said, I get it. She's a chocoholic. It happens to the best of us. Why, one time I...
Dude! said Toby. My story. My ruminations.
My pardon, said Sir David. (Note to self: Make documentary about egotistical aliens)
While the two men were arguing, another splash was heard. And another and another. Princess Dianna, Rocky, Crocky, Francis, BARRY, and 4 soggy parrots were all swimming with the fishes. Des put his dandylion crown on, held his nose, let out a Whoop! and jumped in.
Great Goobers! said Dr Whom. They've all been Chocolatized. Now what do I do?
Toby said, The only way to get them out is...
... one end. Then you can lick them like a lolly.Dr Whom wrinkled up her nose in disgust.
I haven't got that many sticks. Haven't you got a better idea?
Let's see, said Toby, It's not recommended but you could ...
... drain all of the chocolate out of the pool, but I must warn you, if we do it too quickly, your Travellers will suffer from some serious chocolate withdrawal symptoms. Bah! said Dr Whom. I don't want to stand around here all day waiting for these loony-toons. Just do it!
As you wish, said Toby. Then he called his minions and said, Man the pumps, boyz. We've got a pool to drain!
But sir, said minion #1, what do we do with the voracious mutant piranha?
Just toss them into Pool of Broccoli, said Toby. Nobody will bother them over there. Ever!
After a few minutes, the Pool of Chocolate was drained, and the Travellers sat wide-eyed on the bottom.
Nooooooo! cried Beryl, as she tried to lick the remaining drops off of Crocky. Wait a minyute... is that a? ...
Yes! said Des. It's the second coming of Ravdos!
Yes! said Rocky. My Princess Porcupinella has returned to me!
Yes! said Francis. Santa's left me 2 new pairs of shoes!
Yes! said Barry. I can speak in my own voice now!
Yes! said Diana. I am Queen of All Things and everybody has to do what I say!
Bwark bwark barrowck bwark! squawked Mackey, Gusto, Marco, and Squawky. (Look! There's a pool of broccoli over there. Let's go!)
Aye! said Crocky. Me secret luv Beryl is lookin at me wid luv ashinin in her bonny sweet eyes!
Yes! said Beryl. It's a kitten riding on a unicorny!
What's happening to them?! shouted Dr Whom.
I tried to tell you, said Toby. We drained the Pool of Chocolate too fast, and now they're all suffering from...
... a case of the Choccywoccydoodahs.Sounds painful, said Whom.
Only if you can't find one, replied Toby.
One what? said the Doctor.
A Choccywoccydoodah of course.
Sorry, you've lost me now, she said looking puzzled.
Well, said Toby, a Choccywoccydoodah is a specially trained ...
Oojahmaflip, qualified in the application of flapdoodles to the severest cases of caramelitis. They became an essential resource following a severe outbreak of honeycomb among the sugar spinners of...
* We will now take a short commercial break while the EQofM samples all of the goodies at Choccywoccydoodahs. Your posts are important to us. Please stay on the forums and someone will be with you shortly. Meanwhile, we hope you enjoy this Muzakical interlude... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsoIf...
* Thank you for your patience. We will now resume our regularly scheduled posting.Isabella said, Oojahmaflip, qualified in the application of flapdoodles to the severest cases of caramelitis. They became an essential resource following a severe outbreak of honeycomb among the sugar spinners of...
... Spiderland.Is your whole planet concerned with confectionery? asked Dr Whom.
Pretty much, replied Toby, You see the Plungerfull Pissard of Bog is somewhat addicted to the sweet stuff and what he says goes. The good side is that it makes Bog a very attractive tourist destination.
Next you'll be telling me this is where the fabled Big Rock Candy Mountain is.
That's right, said Toby. In fact, if you want to see the Pissard of Bog, that's where he lives. You see that yellow-brick road?
Yes.
Well those bricks weren't originally yellow. They were white.
Don't tell me, said the Doctor, You mean the Pissard ...
... has banned the use of bleach in an effort to reduce chemical pollution? You'll be telling us next that he campaigns against tree-felling.It's even more extraordinary than that, confirmed Toby, he's adopted veganism and all the sweets and other goodies you see around you are officially cruelty free.
Hey, wait a minute! Crocky was dancing up and down in a frenzy of impatience. What am I doing here? There ain't no way a crocodile can survive on a vegan planet. It's against my nature! I do like a pudding but only after a good, toothsome, meaty main course! and he swished his tail, baring his teeth at his unfortunate companions.
Hastily, the Doctor ...
... nipped into the Target and emerged with a frozen turkey that she tossed to Crocky.He downed it in one, gave a satisfied burp and a wide crocodile grin spread over his face.
"Erm, I not sure...", began Toby.
Don't worry, interrupted Whom, The inside of the Target is counted as an independent country under interplanetary law so I can do what I damn well please.
Yes but ...
...ter basted turkey would be awfy nice next time, d'ye ken?" suggested Crocky with a hint of menace. "D'ye have ma poodin waitin' in theer, the noo?""Never mind thinking of your stomach," said Diana, "it's time to go and grab the Pissard of Bog's Curley Wurleys. Who's coming with me?"
"ME!" whispered Baz, finding his voice again. "BUT I'D RATHER GET MY HANDS ON...
But you've already got 'em on, said a puzzled Rocky Raccoon, I can see 'em, on the ends of your arms.DO YOU MIND LETTING ME FINISH?! snapped the annoyed Bazza.
Then, realising that he had scared Rocky with his display of anger, he said, "I'm sorry I snapped at you Rocky. It's just that ...
... I DON'T KNOW WHAT WURLEY CURLEYS ARE.Honesterly, said Beryl. There called Curley Wurleys, made from 99% orgasmic potatoes, and you can buys them in the frozened foods selection at Target and other fine goormay estashablements.
No no, said Diana. Curley Wurleys are the Royal Hair Stylists, renowned throughout the lands for turning unruly hair into waves of luxurious curls and wurls.
Actually, said Sir David. The Curley Wurleys are an indigenous tribe from Cannibalonesia, who like to marinate their victims in chocolate sauce before roasting them over an open flame.
I'm scared! said Francis. I'm allergic to chocolate. And peanuts. And anything made with peanuts. Or anything near anything made with peanuts. And elephants, because they like peanuts. Just the word "peanuts", or seeing a picture of peanuts, or words that start with the letters "pea", and peanuts roasting over an open flame, makes me break out in hives!
Calm down! said Toby. It's quite alright. Sometimes we feel like a nut. Sometimes we don't. All we have to do now is head for Rock Candy Mountain and find the Pissard of Bog, who will bestow upon us the Chockywockydippitydoodah and guide us on our quest.
Then all of the Travellers held hands and sang...
We're off to see the Pissard
The wonderful Pissard of Bog
We hear he is
The Pissard of Pizz
The most wonderful Pissard of all!
But just as the the Travellers approached the mountain...
... a great voice boomed outWHO GOES THERE!
I think you'll find it's Whom who goes here, called the Doctor, not Who, and if you don't mind I'd rather not be reminded of that horrible little ...
NEVER MIND THAT! said the voice.
Barry whispered to Diana that the voice was far too loud but Diana shrugged and said,
Now you know what we feel like when you're shouting all the time.
I DO NOT SHOUT, shouted Bazza indignantly, I SPEAK VERY QUIETLY
WHO'S THAT SHOUTING DOWN THERE? boomed the voice from the mountain.
"It's him! It's Bazza", answered everyone pointing at Barry.
WELL SEND HIM UP HERE, boomed the voice, I WANT A WORD WITH HIM.
Everyone began pushing Barry ahead and reluctantly he started up the ever steepening path.
Every now and then the travellers let out exclamations like.
"We must be on the Rock Candy Mountain - There's a crystal fountain!" and
"Ooh look, lemonade springs" and such like.
That's a weird-looking tree, said Beryl, What's growing on it?
Hmm, said ...
... Crocky, as he gazed at it lovingly. It's a Butterball Tree!What, may I ask, snorted Dr Whom, is a Butterball Tree?
Why, said Crocky. Tis a tree from the Americanas that grows free-range tree turkeys. They has figured oot ta ways to interject more bootery-tastin goodness into a turkey by plungin it wid lottso booter, an deep-frying the ting in a vat of hot oyl til flames be a bursting. Ye can tell when it be done when ta Department of Fires makes a appearance.
Ah, laughed Diana. Those Americanas sure know how to have a good time!
Meanwhile, Barry climbed to the top of the mountain. The Voice said WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU HERE?!
Barry shuddered for a moment, and then he said... UNCLE LARRY? IS THAT YOU?
Larry said, BARRY, MY BOY. WELCOME TO ROCK CANDY MOUNTAIN. HOW'S YOUR MUM? AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS NECK OF THE WOODS?
WELL, said Barry. IT SEEMS WE'VE FALLEN INTO A TIME/SPACE CONTINUUM AND NEED TO FIND THE PISSARD OF BOG TO SET THINGS RIGHT.
NO PROBLEM, said Uncle Larry. JUST PRESS THAT RED BUTTON AND YOU SHALL SEE WHAT CAN BE SEEN.
Barry pressed the red button and...
... his bottom fell off ...(sorry, old joke)
ba da bump... tish!*A horse walked into a bar. The bartender said, Why the long face?*
Ahem. Barry pressed the red button and...
... his bottom leapt into the air and reattached itself.Phew, thank goodness for that, said everybody.
I don't know, said Crocky, That rump looked delici...
Enough! said Diana. Lets' get on with our mission.
Uncle Larry said, NOW NEPHEW, THAT TAUGHT YOU NEVER TO MINDLESSLY TAKE INSTRUCTIONS FROM SOMEONE WITHOUT CONSIDERING THE CONSEQUENCES FIRST.
He continued, THAT WAS YOUR FIRST TEST - YOUR SECOND IS TO ...
...PLAY, WHO WANTS TO CLIMB OVER ROCK CANDY MOUNTAIN?I do I do! shouted the Travellers.
WELL THEN, said Uncle Larry. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CORRECTLY ANSWER 3 QUESTIONS. ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOUR HOSTS, LIVE FROM THE ORINCO TRAVELODGE, FLO AND HER SON JOHNNY!
Yay! cheered The Travellers. Then a hush fell over the crowd.
Question #1, said Flo. How many parrots does it take to make a Macaw Pie?
Squawky, Gusto, and Mackey quickly flew away leaving Marco behind and said, Bwark! (one!)
You are correct, said Flo. Question #2. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Rocky raised his paw and said, An ac-cord-ion?
You are correct, said Flo. Question #3. What is Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
Beryl jumped up and said, Ooh, I knows this one! Einstein's Theory of Relativity meens its always best to avoyd our relatives espeshully around the holidays!
Er... you are correct! said Johnny, as he blushed and winked at Beryl.
Then Uncle Larry said, CONGRATULATIONS TRAVELLERS! YOU HAVE PASSED THE 2ND TEST AND MAY PROCEED TO THE OTHER SIDE OF ROCK CANDY MOUNTAIN. BUT WHEN YOU GET TO THE BOTTOM, BEWARE OF THE...
... RED BUTTON. DON'T PRESS IT OR THE BOTTOM ...
... yes, yes we know, said Diana. His bottom might fall off. Ba dump bump tish. Now, other than really old puns, what is it we must be beware of when we get to the bottom of Rock Candy Mountain?Well, said Uncle Larry, as he turned down his Voiceometer, you must be careful not to step into the Pit of Bad Dates.
You mean, like the froot? asked Beryl.
No, said Uncle Larry. Imagine the worst date you've ever been on, and multiply it by 3.
Egads! cried The Travellers. Who wants to go first?
I'll do it, said Sir David. Once, when I was filming a documentary about the mating habits of the Aborginals of Las Vegas, I ran into a comely lass covered in nothing but feathers and a smile. She invited me up to her room and started to preen me. After a while, I felt hen-pecked and tried to leave. Unfortunately, she dug her claws into my cockadoodledoo and refused to let me go. My only escape was to cluck her on the head and run out the door.
Next! said Uncle Larry.
Well, said Beryl hesitantly, I once went out with a transgender person in California. I was perfectly happy about this but halfway through the meal I accidentally used the wrong pronoun. A couple at the next table called the police and I was arrested and thrown into jail.I see, said Uncle Larry, Next!
_______________________________
California could start jailing people who don't use transgender pronouns.
https://dailycaller.com/2017/08/25/ca...
* Beryl was eventually acquitted of all transgender gender-benders since she only spoke Brooklynese. I've got one, said Diana. I once went out with a Prince, who turned out to be a frog, masquerading as a Prince. I didn't realize it until I kissed him and broke out in warts!
Ewww! cried The Travellers. Next!
.I MET A LOVELY GIRL AT A VERY LOUD CONCERT BY MANOWAR, said Barry. SHE REALLY SEEMED TO ENJOY MY CONVERSATION.
That sounds wonderful, said Beryl, Why was that a problem?
THEY THREW ME OUT - I WAS NEVER SURE WHY - SOMETHING RIDICULOUS ABOUT NO-ONE BEING ABLE TO HEAR THE MUSIC.
Next!
Francis spoke up. You know I mentioned the p word a few minutes ago? Well, I once went on a blind date with a friend of a friend and it turned out she was addicted to the things. She wore strings of them round her neck and didn't eat anything else... salted, dry roasted, honey roasted, wasabi... I had to make an excuse to leave. She was a real nutcase!The Travellers groaned in unison.
Next!
Then Crocky said, I too have a sad tail ta tell. Me one an only troo luv was called Alli. Her skin was as fair as a noo pair o boots glistenin in ta sun afta a good polishin. Her eyes were ta color o the seaweed awashed upon ta shores afta a storm. But alas, she hailed from the loins of me most fiercest enemy, and a great battle ensued between The Clan MacCrocks and The Clan MacGators. The MacCrocks were victorious that day, but afore I could claim me bride, I saw me booteous Alli asailin away on ta deck of a mighty warship.
"Goodbye, my luv! she sang oot as she gave me a wave. I must leave ye now, for they be havin a 1/2- off sale at Chockywockydoodads, and I wants ta be first in line! Goodbye!!!"
Aye, said Crocky. The lass broke me heart that day, an I aswore (as he glanced at Beryl) that I would ne'er luv agin.
Oh Crotchy! cried Beryl, wiping tears from her eyes as she lunged at him, wrapping her arms around his lean, mean, and green-scaled body, I...
NEXT!
"Well, I once had a really bad date," confessed Nosey the gnome, whom everyone had forgotten was in their company."Yes?" replied Rocky. "Do tell more."
"It was 4th May, and a really bad date - it has been for years, especially since the Star Wars films were released."
"Ah, May the Fourth be with you," posed Rocky.
"And too with you, young master," replied Nosey. "With you, strong it is."
"Don't unnerstand why it's a bad date, though," Rocky said.
"Cos every time somebody says 'May the Fourth be with you', everyone starts talking like Yoga the Yed-eye."
"Ah," said Rocky, "you mean like...
... when my Princess Porcupinella dumped me for a bucket of BBQ'd ribs and a side of cole slaw? Ouch! said Nosey. Musta hurt, I think.
It did, said Rocky. She married Garth Vader, a pop/country rock-star, and had triplets, Hands, Look, and Chewy. But it was a long time ago, on a planet far far away. I thought she was my only hope, but I finally realized she was not the princess I was looking for, so I moved along.
Good move, you made! said Nosey.
Thanks, said Rocky. May the fourth be with you.
Live long and prosper, said Nosey, as he beamed himself back to his hut in the land of Jabba.
Huh? said Rocky.
NEXT!
"Well," said Diana, "in the land of Amazonia from which I hail, there are only women - other than poor, frail ol' Sebastian, the odd job man. Ricketty back, gaunt features, grey, balding head, distant look in his red eyes.""Wow, must have been in demand, once," replied Beryl. "How old is the poor chap?"
"Oh, he's not old. 24 at his last birthday, I believe. Thing is, he's not really up to doing 'dates' any longer," Diana advised.
"SO, WHAT ARE THE 'ODD' JOBS HE GETS TO DO?" enquired Baz, secretly quite envious of this Sebastian.
"Oh, his tasks are quite varied, including...
... this, that, and the other ...
Whut does you meen? asked Beryl.Exactly what I said, said Diana. Sebastian Goodthings services my Auntie This, my Cousin That, my Grandmama Other, and any of the Amazonians who are in need of servicing. But now that he's 24, he can only do "odd jobs" once or twice a day, so there's quite a wait.
DOES HE NEED ANY HELP WITH THE SERVICING? asked Barry hopefully.
No no, said Diana. As we all know, Goodthings come to those that wait.
Congratulations! shouted Uncle Larry. You have conquered the Pit of Bad Dates and may proceed to your 3rd and final test before you meet the Pissard of Bog!
Yay! cried The Travellers.
Don't get too excited, said Uncle Larry. The next test is a doozy!
You now have to...
Next!
cried Beryl enthusiastically. I need a new pair of boots!She disappeared into the store before anyone could stop her.
I wonder if they do superhero costumes, said Diana, and she too disappeared through the doors.
Is this the new test? wondered ...
... Rocky, as he followed Beryl and Diana, thinking of a new hat to protect his furry head. He rather fancied something on the lines of Crocodile Dundee's headgear, though he was careful not to mention that name in front of Crocky. Somehow it didn't seem tactful and Rocky was usually sensitive to the feelings of others.Barry had also given in to the notion of a shopping trip, even though he didn't have any money to spend.
In fact, the only member of the group who stayed outside was Crocky. He considered that his elegant crocodile skin was a sufficient fashion statement in itself and he also felt rather uncomfortable around handbags and shoes. So it fell to him to be confronted by...
... the actual test which was ...
... interrupted by an impromptu shopping trip. Dr Whom shook her head and said, Honestly people. Do you or do you not want to see the Pissard of Bog?! We've got one more test to get through and we haven't got all day!
Sorrie, said Berly. I reelly needed a noo pair of boots and theez are so kute!
Sorry, said Diana. But this golden lasso really does bring out the color of my eyes.
Sorry lass, said Crocky. But this belt reminds me o me bruther, Grocky.
I'M SORRY TOO, said BARRY. I DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY SO I TRADED ALL MY MARBLES FOR A RACCOON-SKIN HAT.
You what?! cried Rocky.
No worries, said Sir David. Barry lost his marbles a long time ago so all he got was a faux fur. And I would have been out sooner but I could not help admiring the bejeweled tiaras. They reminded me of the time I filmed my award-winning documentary about Bejeweled Tiaras and the Queens Who Loved Them, so or course I...
T... Ta.... Tiaras? gasped Dr Whom. Er... why don't you Travellers have a well-earned rest while I just take a wee peek. Then she ran into the store shoving other customers aside and was quickly followed by Beryl and Diana elbowing their way through the crowd.
Aye, said Crocky, as he, Rocky, Barry, and Uncle Larry laid back and put their feet up. Ye be a sly one, o'l boy.
They don't pay me the big bucks for nothing! smiled Sir David.
After several hours, the ladies emerged wearing their new bejeweled tiaras and were thoroughly complimented by the men (they may be lost but they're not stupid). Dr Whom said, So Larry, what is this 3rd and final test?
Uncle Larry shuddered and said...
...well, while you have all been making purchases in the blue cross special sale in the store, the Pissard has been making merry in the Vestive Season of Bog. So, your final test is to correctly guess 5 of the items that the Pissard had on his wish list in anticipation of a visit from Fangta Claws."The travellers looked stunned; where did they begin to guess the innermost desires of an alien being they had never met.
Beryl, whose job it was to deliver items ordered by customers of her supermarket, had an idea of people's shopping habits.
"Well," she said, "with a name like 'The Pissard of Bog", surely he would love something for emergencies in the little boy's room. My guess would be a brand new Bog Brush and Plunger Combo. Am I right?"
Uncle Larry was aghast. "How on Bog did you guess that?" he demanded.
"Och, mebbe it's because it's top o' that list on the clipboard unner his wee arm," Crocky whispered to Rocky.
"Beginner's luck! Beginner's luck," squawked Mackey with Gusto.
Uncle Larry covered up the clipboard and said: "The rest are harder. So, next?"
Well, said Crocky. I've spent most o' me life livin' in a bog, and ta one thin' I always seem ta run oot of is a clean pair o tighty whities. So I'm guessing The Pissard of Bog would ha' them on his wish list. A pair of what? asked Uncle Larry.
Ye know, blushed Crocky. Somtin to cover up his privates.
Oh, said, Rocky. You mean his twig and berries?
Oh, said Diana. You mean his family jewels?
Oh, said Sir David. You mean his tallywhacker?
OH, said Barry. YOU MEAN ONE-EYED WILLIE?
Och! blushed Crocky. I mean the man is in need o some underwear an I be suspectin that be #2!
You are correct! said Uncle Larry. Only three more "What's on the Pissard of Bog's Vestive Wish List" to go.
Next!
WELL, I MEAN, COME ON, said Barry, IT'S OBVIOUS INNIT?Go on then, said Larry.
WELL, IF HE LIVES IN A BOG THEN HE NEEDS A GOOD PAIR OF WELLIES.
I'm not so sure, said someone. Won't they just get sucked off?
Less of that, said someone else.
OKAY, said Barry after a moment's thought, HOW ABOUT THOSE FISHERMAN'S WADERS? THEY WON'T COME OFF EASILY - AM I RIGHT?
You are indeed, said Uncle Larry.
Next!
Trying to get the story back to a G rating, Francis said, Gee. If I lived if a Bog all by myself, I'd like a hug.Ha! snorted Beryl. The Pissard can wishers for anything he wanteds, and you think he's going to asks for a hug?
Well yes, said Francis. I do.
Is that your final answer? asked Uncle Larry.
No! cried The Travellers. We must discuss this and...
Wants a hug Wants a hug! cried Marco with Gusto. (heh heh)
You are correct! said Uncle Larry. Now, for the fifth and final item on the Pissard of Bog's Vestive Wish List...
Next!
There's a clue! There's a clue! It's a "Vestive" Wish List! He must want a vest!Why would he want a vest in the Amazon? It's far too hot and they're not cool, anyway.
Maybe it's an American vest? A waistcoat for formal functions? A Pissard must have to go and open things and launch ships and stuff like that, mustn't he?
Is that your answer then? asked Uncle Larry, impatiently...
Yes!Of course you are right! said Uncle Larry. He looked around proudly. Then
Why are all you all sniggering? he asked.
Hnrhh, hnrrh, sniggered Francis, I suppose it's because we now have a mental picture of some bloke wearing nothing but underpants, a vest, knee high waders, waving a bog-brush and asking for a hug!!!
Speak of the devil ...
...and who should appear?" asked Beryl."Dunnoo who is SUPPOSED to appear," replied Crocky, "but there's a right horny bod coming this way. Wee sleekit, cowerin' tim'rous beasties! D'ye ken who it is?"
"YUP," Bazza said quietly, "I RECKON IT'S THE DEVIL, HIMSELF - RED, HORNED, TAILED WITH CLOVEN HOOVES.""What, you mean Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub?" asked Rocky.
"This is no time for singing Queen songs," Beryl suggested. "He seems to be beckoning us towards him."
"Well, you wanted to negotiate the Big Rock Candy Mountain, didn't you," replied Uncle Larry. "He has arrived to show you the way."
"We're in for one hell of a good time," said a dazed Desmond, with a faraway look in his eyes and the dandelion crown somewhat askew on his head.
"Walk this way, my children," the horned one said smoothly.
"Huh," replied Diana, "if I could walk that way, then...
...all out problems with poor, frail ol' Sebastian, the odd job man, with his ricketty back, gaunt features, grey, balding head, and distant look in his red eyes, would be over - I could do the 'odd jobs' myself.""Come this way, kiddie-winksssss," the horned one hissed, "and I'll lead you to the Pongyful Pissard of Bog. Take care; don't fall over the lemonade springsssss, and watch that the bluebird sssssircling overhead don't ssssshpit on you."
"That reminds me of the time I made a documentary on Bluebirds," advised Sir David. "Wonderful toffee they used to make. Lost most of my fillings doing my research, however."
"We're off to see the Pissard, the Pongyful Pissard of Bog..." sang Beryl and Rocky, skipping along the path arm in arm, although a little lopsided.
"I'm not sure we should be placing all our trust in this horned one," Archbishop Desmond offered from the rear of the group. "What if he...
...wants to lead us into The Garden of Good and Evil?I loves that movie! said Beryl. John Cusack is HAWT!
Speaking of hot, said the red horny devil, now that you've successfully navigated Rock Candy Mountain, you must prepare yourselves to meet the Pongyful Pissard of Bog by spending the weekend at (shudder) the Hottentot Hotel and Holistic Haberdashery. You'll be buffed, puffed, groomed, plumed, waxed, relaxed, rubbed, tubbed, dressed, pressed, shined, wined, and dined. Those of you who survive shall move on. Those of you who don't... (shudder)
You know, said Dr Whom, this Pissard is really starting to pissard me off. And by the way, what is your name?
My name, said the red horny devil, is Ahjkldoihgkkq the III, but you can call me Bob.
UNCLE BOB? said Barry. IS THAT YOU, UNCLE BOB?!
Barry, my boy! said Bob. Yes, Bob's your uncle! Long time no see. How's your Mum? Good luck at the Hottentot Hotel! And when you get there, whatever you do, do NOT ...
... get into the hot tub!But why? asked Beryl. I loves a good soke.
Because, said Bob, the Hottentot Hotel is famous for their Vegetarian Soup.
Oh, said Diana. I love vegetarian soup! It's chock full of healthy and delicious peas, carrots, corn, and green beans, all simmered together in a hearty broth. What could possibly be wrong with that?
Because, said Bob, the Vegetarian Soup at the Hottentot Hotel is made out of Vegetarians!
Gulp, said Crocky. I be havin' the Chicken Frickasee, please!
Uh oh, said Francis. A Cheeseburger Deluxe will suit me just fine, thankyouverymuch.
Barry said, I'LL HAVE THE STEAK, MEDIUM RARE IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TROUBLE.
Sir David said, I'd like the sauteed liver and onions, some farva beans, and a nice bottle of Chianti.
Des said, I'd like a rainbow, a unicorn, a walk in the rain, a pina colada, world peace, a field of dandylions...
Enough! said Dr Whom. We get it. When we get to the Hottentot Hotel, do NOT order the Vegetarian Soup. We'll place our orders when we get there. Now, how do we get there?
That's easy, said Bob. Just go to the fork in the road, pick up the fork, stab the giant who's trying to kill you, take a left, not that left, your other left, go up the down escalator, go down the up escalator, take a right at the intersection of Dewey Cheetum and Howe, then a take a sharp right onto Cannibal Causeway, then go as fast as you can over The Beauty and the Beast Bridge, then...
Oh for the love of marinated mushrooms! said Dr Whom. Isn't there a faster way?!
Well sure, huffed Bob. If you want to go the easy route, just take that bus over there that says, The Hottentot Hotel Express.
Finally, the bus full of weary Travellers pulled up to the front door, and a strange creature came out to greet them. It said...
... Welcome to the The Hottentot Hotel Express. Now if you'll excuse me, I've just come off duty and I have to get this bus.So saying, the strange creature whipped out its bus pass and exchanged a cheery word with the driver before finding a seat.
What was ...
