Feedback for Query: YA Fantasy Adventure

[John]

I've written and polished this young-adult fantasy novel, and I want to start sending it around to agents. I've done up a new query letter after a few revisions I've made in the last year:


Dear Agent,

For generations, Flanagan’s ancestors have lived their lives behind iron walls. The target of a supposed ancient curse, the clan Ferrous had built an ancient house of iron, to shield themselves from the beasts and spirits whom they warred with, long ago. Now, at the cusp of the 20th century, only him, his young sister, Fiona, his eccentric father, and the faint recollections of a lost mother remain.

Feeling hemmed in by his monotonous life, and upon hearing about Fiona’s betrothal to a dim-witted lord, Flanagan decides enough is enough. Together, they escape their ancestral home, and make a new life for themselves in the world beyond. He is confident that faeries and spirits do not exist, and can never bring harm to them… until a faerie finds them.

Sensing a curse upon the siblings, the faerie takes them to an elder spirit to find out what’s to be done with them. However, their curse is so ancient, and so feared, no spirit they know of remembers the curse. But faeriekind is not the sort to allow an ancient hex to go forgotten, and the three are tasked to find the family curse.

Thus they embark on a journey through the sprawling, ancient lands of the Celts and Gaels, across the breadth of Britain, Wales, and Ireland. Many ancient spirits and monsters await them on their quest, as well as the fantastic changes of the coming century. Two children, raised in seclusion, have a path of discovery, danger, and destiny ahead of them, with a sardonic faerie as their guide.

PAST THE IRON, at 130,000 words, is a fantasy adventure for young adults, but bound to appeal to readers of all ages with an enthusiasm for culture and mythology. A modern mix of The Chronicles of Narnia and a coming-of-age story, PAST THE IRON is a timeless tale about facing a great, unknown world, brave with your friends at your side.

Please find the full manuscript attached to this letter, as requested. I look forward to your reply, and thank you for your attention.

Sincerely,
J.D.D. Marshall


What I'm most interested for this query is titles I could reasonably compare this premise to. I've considered The Spiderwick Chronicles and the Percy Jackson series, especially with the latter's mythological bend, but both of them seem too modern, and tonally different. I may tweak the comparison depending on the agent, but I'm wondering which books this idea makes you think of, as well as any other general feedback you could offer. Thanks very much!

[Keith]

Your blurb is 'too long' at 264 words. The supposed ideal is 100-150 words. The way I read this:

"only him, his young sister, Fiona, his eccentric father, "

It sounds like his father's name is Fiona. I think you got too many commas.

While fantasy world building does bulk up a story, I think you'll find 130K will be too long for a debut novel. I'd suggest cutting it in half, but, while agents and publisher like the _potential_ for a series, they generally don't like to be required to commit to one until the first has sold. Thus, your debut generally needs to have a clean ending. Not that you're required to resolve everything, but it has to have a satisfying ending even if it leaves enough doors open for follow-on work.

Regarding your choice of comps, I believe Narnia is probably too famous. I'm not a reader of the YA genre, so can't offer any suggestions myself. Hopefully others will chime in with suggestions.

BTW, "unknown world, brave with your friends at your side" feels incomplete.

Also, you should personalize your query to each agent. Just a sentence or two is enough; it demonstrates that you've done your homework and know this particular agent is, indeed, a good fit for your work.

Good luck!