Query Feedback - YA Romance

[Laynie]

Dear,

According to your agency’s website you are actively seeking Young Adult fiction, so I am pleased to introduce my novel, Adeline’s Aria, a Young Adult contemporary romance that runs approximately 68,000 words.

Addie Evans is just trying to get through the last few months of high school without any drama. The only thing that brings her to life anymore is her obsession with a celebrity she will never get to meet. That all changes when her best friend drags her to a music festival and Jude Blair, himself, turns her world upside down. They begin a fast-paced, roller-coaster romance that has them both reeling in the best way possible. But can Addie handle the complications and drama that come with dating someone so famous? It seems everyone is trying to come between her and the man of her dreams and her insecurities are not helping matters either. The problems in her perfect love story come to a climax when she visits Jude at his home in England, an ocean away from her comfort zone. Addie is forced to either learn how to stand up for what she wants, and believe she is just as worthy of it as anyone else, or say goodbye to the man she loves.

The story has been edited by (editor's name here). It touches on themes of self-discovery, friendship, and first loves. Adeline’s Aria has series potential, with the follow ups already written. However, it could easily be tweaked to be a stand-alone novel. Short-stories based on the secondary characters have been published on Wattpad, and are already working to generate a fan-base.

Thank you very much for your time. I have included the first ten pages, as requested by your submission details, and look forward to hearing from you.

Truly yours,

[Keith]

You need whitespace in your blurb. Two to three sentences are considered ideal, four if necessary. Total length is generally expected to be between 100 and 150, you're at 178, so could look at trimming a bit. See below.

Everything I've heard about editing is it ranges from pointless to counter productive to tell that you've been edited. The rational, supposedly, is twofold. First, there 'e a lot of crappy editors out there, so unless yours was a household name or well-known to the agent (in which case, using the editor's name is an implied endorsement, so be absolutely sure that's OK with the editor), saying yours was edited doesn't say anything about the quality of your MS. Second, the agent/publisher may wonder how much of your prose is yours, vs the editor, and may make them second guess your talents.

"Adeline’s Aria has series potential, with the follow ups already written. However, it could easily be tweaked to be a stand-alone novel." sounds contradictory to me. Either it's stand-alone or it's not. Everything I've read says your debut novel must be able to stand alone. Agents/publishers love _potential_ but don't like to commit to a series unless the first one sells.

I attempted to add some whitespace to your blurb:


Addie Evans is just trying to get through the last few months of high school without any drama. The only thing that brings her to life anymore is her obsession with a celebrity she will never get to meet.

That all changes when her best friend drags her to a music festival and Jude Blair, himself, turns her world upside down. They begin a fast-paced, roller-coaster romance that has them both reeling in the best way possible.

But can Addie handle the complications and drama that come with dating someone so famous? It seems everyone is trying to come between her and the man of her dreams and her insecurities are not helping matters either.

The problems in her perfect love story come to a climax when she visits Jude at his home in England, an ocean away from her comfort zone. Addie is forced to either learn how to stand up for what she wants, and believe she is just as worthy of it as anyone else, or say goodbye to the man she loves.


It feels weak/passive to me. I'm not a purchaser of romance, though. I've enjoyed reading some as a beta, but don't have any sense for what's normal in a blurb. If your character is weak/passive, then it might be an ideal blurb, telling the reader exactly what they're getting into. Have you asked any of your beta readers what they think of it?

Good luck!