Quick feedback needed for my query letter please!

[Adam]

Hello! I need feedback please. I’m writing a cover letter to literary agents to try and earn representation for my new book. Note: this is not a blurb. The goal on my cover letter is to summarize my entire book to the agents and give them a good idea of what to expect from the book.

Agents need to know the beginning, middle, and end of books. They need to know what the overall story is about. The help I need from you guys is to tell me if this paragraph makes perfect sense to you or not. What do you think of it? Is the summary clear? Are you confused about anything? Does it feel cliche? Does it sound boring? What does it make you think about the book after reading this? Honest answers please. And don’t be critical for the sake of being critical either. I need completely honest feedback to know where I stand with this opening paragraph in my cover letter. Thank you so much!


Ashkii Dighin (a dark-skinned longbow hunter of Native American culture and ethnicity) is beckoned by his region’s tribal chief to track down and hunt a mysterious killer known as the Hypnotist. No one has been able to gather any leads on this tricky foe because it holds the power to control all 5 senses and shift perceptions in any manner it dictates. No one, not even Ashkii Dighin stands a chance at uncovering its identity. This is why he is partnered with Kelanassa Kaliete, a mysterious huntress who was said to be immune to hypnosis and all illusion-based spells. With Kelanassa by his side, Ashkii becomes the first investigator to gather real leads about the Hypnotist, instead of being deceived by false leads that the Hypnotist would have hypnotized him to perceive as reality like all the others. In the beginning, it appears that these two hunters are the unstoppable duo. However, what Ashkii doesn’t realize until the end was that the Hypnotist had played him for the fool all along. He discovers that Kelanassa was the Hypnotist—she was never immune to illusions; she had forged this lie to ensure she’d be paired up with him. She used him to help her prepare a defense against a much more dangerous enemy that she knows is coming to invade their land—the Sky Pirates. She manipulated and used Ashkii because he wields a legendary weapon that no one else can wield but him. It’s a weapon called the Spirit Bow—a longbow with arrows that can pierce through any magical or physical substance. She needed his weapon to eliminate certain enemies and obstructions that would have otherwise stood in her way at forming her defense against the coming Sky Pirates. However, Kelanassa wasn’t just using Ashkii as her tool to serve her purposes (she didn’t just need him, she wanted to be with him as well). Before the day she met him, and before she had organized and began orchestrating her plan, she learned everything she could about him, learning that he had suffered a traumatic past very similar to her own. Since the time of their trauma, they’ve both become emotionally numb, anti-social, and anti-personal. They struggle to feel and express emotion. Kelanassa saw this in Ashkii and identified with him. It’s the very reason that he can’t feel emotion that she starts to feel something for him. Eventually, after everything these two experience together, Ashkii’s feelings awaken for her as well. But when he discovers Kelanassa as the enemy, his heart is broken and tested like never before. His discipline as an uncompromising hunter is put the test when her true identity is revealed and she is set at his mercy. After everything they’ve been through and helped with each other, should her life end? Would ending her life end his hope of ever having someone to understand and help heal his inner pain? Was she his only hope of ever being healed?

[Keith]

Hello Adam,

Queries are strange beasts in that whatever works is 'good' and everything else is 'bad.' That being said, based on everything I've read, you need your back-of-the-novel blurb (no spoilers) polished to perfection and only supply the synopsis (spoilers) if they ask for it (some do, others don't). Agents may read 100-500 of these each week, so brevity and easy of reading are important to get a chance to hook their interest.

Agents and publishers like to know what the comps are, or the comparable books to yours, so they can evaluate the size of the market segment you're targeting. If there's anything interesting about you as an author (you've won awards, you've published a best seller), they'd like to know about that, though no need to put in anything if you're just getting started.

I suggest you do some more research, perhaps looking through discussions here.

[Sunami]

Hi Adam,

Keith is correct on the query being short and agents wanting to know comps.

I would suggest reading up on LOGLINES, which Hollywood screenwriter's use. You really can summarize your story in 15-25 words. I think the best source for determining a logline is SAVE THE CAT by Blake Snyder. Not only do I use this book for scripts, but it's a fun way after I wrote my first draft for my current story GERTA to see if I'm hitting most of the marks.

I would only add in writing the query, convince agents you're e the one to gain their interest. This can be achieved by including your writing experience and what you will deliver to your future readers.

Best to you,

--Sunami