Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Feedback for Query: YA Fantasy
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Does this story have an ending, or are the following books required? Based on my research, publishers love the idea of sequels, but prefer that the first book have a clean ending, in case the market doesn't care for the story. I believe you should point out either way, so they know if they are committing to a series or just the one book."In a world filled with racial strife, Ian Prescott risks his soul to stop a civil war and defeat the mage who killed his parents" seems like a synopsis of the whole book. When I read the rest, it seems clear that Ian didn't know he was risking his soul until way into the story. Further, your first sentence gives away his choice you allude to at the end of the blurb.
I have to assume that Drew is the friend that becomes the foe, why not just say that? If you want it to be mysterious (if it happens in the first 2/3 of the novel, there is no point in hiding it), then you need to provide some sort of friend besides Drew.
I assume you've had a specialist lawyer look at the reversion of rights to be sure you actually own everything now. If you haven't, I strongly suggest you do so, as any agent or publisher is probably going to ask for copies of all those documents if they feel interested in your work.
Good luck!
Keith wrote: "Does this story have an ending, or are the following books required? Based on my research, publishers love the idea of sequels, but prefer that the first book have a clean ending, in case the marke..."Thanks for the input, Keith.
Yes, it's a series as stated in the closing paragraph where I'm supposed to talk about myself and my publishing credits.
"Based on your interest in YA Fantasy, I believe THE SCIONS OF FAERIE will be a good fit for your list. Books 2 and 3, THE SOUL STONES OF FAERIE and THE HALF-BLOOD OF FAERIE are complete and I am working on book 4, THE PRIESTESS OF FAERIE, with a planned prequel, THE DRUID OF FAERIE."
The ending of the series will be Book 4 and the planned prequel can be a stand-alone novel if needed or Book 5. Publisher's choice on that one.
Yes, I have the full reversion of rights and the publishing company is defunct and bankrupt. They sent me a letter returning my publishing rights.
As for Drew being the friend that turns on him, No, he's not, which is why I didn't mention him. I know you aren't supposed to name more than 3 characters in a query and I didn't want to give away the ending either. It's supposed to add a tantalizing piece for the agent to want to learn more, but I see your point about the hook sentence taking away from that mystery.
The first sentence is a Hook, not a synopsis. iWriterly suggests a strong hook for your first sentence. Something that would appear on the back jacket of the book. You're right, though, that Ian doesn't know he's going to risk his soul until the end. Those who called him to Faerie didn't want to tell him and risk his refusal.
Everything I've read about queries is the blurb is exactly what you'd expect to see on the back of the book.
Natasha wrote: "I’m having trouble discerning the sequence of events from this query. I think that’s because you’re assuming I can put together too much of the story on my own. Though queries should flow intuitive..."Natasha, you bring up some excellent points. I'm not specifically gearing it for boys or girls, just YA in general. I do have a strong female protagonist, but she's Ian's cousin in Faerie. She and Drew do have the kindling of romance which blossoms by the end of the book, but it's not the main portion of this story. That's in books 2 and 3.
I'll check out Susan Dennard's page and work these changes in. I guess I should remove the hook completely. Drew isn't the friend who's killed, but many people are drawing that conclusion, so it looks like I'm not hitting the mark.
You're also right that I'm assuming too much from my readers. I thought everyone knew that Uffern from the Celtic underworld, just like Hades was the Greek underworld. Perhaps I've read so much Celtic mythology that I forget everyone doesn't know about it. 2/3 of my Facebook fans are female, so you might be on to something about the YA target. The age range is for 8th - 12th grade kids or adults who enjoy YA Fantasy.
Do you think I should mention that the book would appeal to audiences who enjoy The Shannara Chronicles and Percy Jackson? Perhaps the website you pointed me to will answer that question too.
Thanks for the feedback!
Natasha wrote: "Would definitely bring in the female protagonist. I think it will also add dimension to the quest if there is someone on the inside helping them who is actually a faerie. I know you don’t want to m..."Natasha, is this any better?
Based on your interest in YA Fantasy, I thought you might enjoy my 84,000 word young adult novel, THE SCIONS OF FAERIE. After her mother is taken hostage, Bi Ann must convince her cousin, Ian, to rescue her mother from the mage who murdered his parents while she seeks to prevent a civil war.
It’s 2050 and Turok’s millennial sentence in Faerie’s underworld, Uffern, ended a decade earlier. Rather than atoning for his murderous actions, Turok seeks to destroy the descendants of those who originally imprisoned him. After drowning the Prescott family, Turok finally takes the Fey Queen hostage. Without their queen, Turok hopes to incite civil war between the Fey and Dryads.
The remaining scions of Faerie, Ian and Drew Prescott, have a single goal: Return Turok to Uffern. Yet, what began as a request to rescue the Fey Queen, has escalated beyond Bi Ann’s imagination. Without her mother’s leadership, Bi Ann is losing control of the Fey Kingdom and if Turok’s destabilizing plans succeed, the Fey and Dryad nations will enter a civil war.
Now, Ian and Drew must defend against Turok’s minions to locate the Fey Queen within the Cairn of the Dead. While they traverse endless mazes and avoid deadly traps, Bi Ann must stop a shapeshifting assassin from killing a Dryad peace delegation before war breaks out.
Though the novel has series potential, THE SCIONS OF FAERIE can stand alone. The novel combines Greek, Roman, Norse, and Celtic mythologies and appeals to fans of Terry Brooks’ SHANNARA CHRONICLES and Rick Riordan’s HEROES OF OLYMPUS. Although I originally published this novel as BRANDER in 2012, I ended my contract with Publish America in February 2017 and received an official letter reverting all exclusive publishing rights. I have rebranded the novel as THE SCIONS OF FAERIE to target a new market segment. Thank you for your time and consideration!
You appear to start your blurb in the first paragraph, I think it should be set off by itself. It's 'too long' at 200 words and could probably benefit with some tightening.The second paragraph ("It’s 2050 and...") reads like an infodump. You might simply consider deleting the whole thing.
The final paragraph is vastly superior to me and neatly provides the needed background.
Natasha wrote: "WOW! This makes the story so much clearer to me! I see you made use of the Susan Dennard guide:) This revision is well on it’s way in my opinion.
The biggest thing I think you still need to clari..."Wow, that's a lot of great feedback. Thank you! I'll have to noodle on this, but for now, I'll just answer your questions and maybe you'll see something I'm missing.
1) why she doesn’t just rescue her mother herself? Why does she need Ian? - Bi Ann needs to run the Fey Kingdom. If she tries to save her mother, there's no one left to rule in her stead. Also, Turok was imprisoned by a flaming sword, Brander, and only a Scion of Faerie (meaning, someone from the Prescott lineage) can make the sword work. It's currently on Earth and was in Ian's father's possession. Now it's his and only he can use the sword to send Turok back to Uffern because he's half-human and half-fey. He's a child of both worlds.
2) The Dryads come out of nowhere for me. I thought Turok was destroying the bloodline? Who are the Dryads and what do they have to do with this? - There are 6 races in Faerie: Fey, Dryads, Elves, Satyrs and Sidhe. The immortal Sidhe abandoned the mortal races and moved to the other side of the planet, but you don't learn this until book 2. The other 5 races live in their own territories, but the Fey and Dryad races are the most powerful and are constantly fighting one another. They hate each other like Nazis hated Jews. Faerie's priestess had a vision that the races would need to unite to stop disaster from happening. They assume it's Turok's release, so they send a peace delegation to the Fey. If the Fey and Dryads make peace, the other races will unite with them against Turok and Turok can't control the races then. Divide and conquer. If he can get the Fey and Dryads to obliterate each other, he can fill the vacuum. He also wants the Fey's amber amulet (called a Pangari, which is featured more in book 2 also) but that's a secret goal that he doesn't reveal until near the end of the book. With the amulet, he can harness the magic he lost when Ian's ancestor sent him to Uffern 1,000 years ago.
3) When you say “rebranding” do you just mean “retitling”? - No, I chopped up chapters, changed the history, added more depth, changed the POV, and made it more YA-friendly. I'm looking to target the YA market rather than the MG market.
I hope that clarifies a few things. This book CAN stand alone, but the other novels build on each other, so the 2nd and 3rd books don't make sense until the 1st one is read.
Thanks, Natasha. Those examples help and I see your point in pairing it down. I'm helping a friend with a critique now but I hope to circle back to this on Sat and see what I can do with it. For me, the changes between Brander and Scion is like night and day. I'll be sure to add that sort of detail to the end.
Natasha wrote: "1. This is very important information that I feel needs to be included to the query to work. I’m sure you can say it faster and with less words, but this is a great example of how writing everythin..."I know it's been a couple of months, but I hope this latest version is better. I worked in some of your comments and suggestions.
THE SCIONS OF FAERIE, an 83,000 word YA Fantasy novel, combines Greek, Roman, Norse, and Celtic mythologies and appeals to fans of the SHANNARA CHRONICLES and HEROES OF OLYMPUS. Ian Prescott’s destiny lays hidden in the past he cannot remember and shrouded in the future he can only imagine.
Released from his millennial banishment in Faerie’s underworld, Uffern, Turok seeks to destroy the descendants of those who once imprisoned him with the flaming sword, Brander. After drowning the Scions of Faerie living on Earth, Turok aims to control all of Faerie by kidnapping the Fey Queen and assassinating a Dryad peace delegation. Ian Prescott, the last Scion of Faerie, must return to Faerie to rescue the queen and use Brander to avenge his parents’ death.
Yet, what begins as a quest to rescue the Fey Queen escalates beyond anyone’s control. Without her mother’s leadership, Princess Bi Ann risks losing control of the Fey Kingdom, and if Turok’s destabilizing plans succeed, the Fey and Dryad nations will destroy each other. Fanning the flames of hatred between the two races, Turok hopes to keep them from uniting against him.
Aided by his Human and Fey cousins, Ian must defend against Turok’s minions to locate the Fey Queen imprisoned within the Cairn of the Dead. While they traverse endless mazes and avoid deadly traps, Princess Bi Ann must stop a shape-shifting assassin from killing a Dryad peace delegation before war destroys both races.
Thanks Natasha! You're absolutely right. I appreciate your good advice.
In a world filled with racial strife, Ian Prescott risks his soul to stop a civil war and defeat the mage who killed his parents. Ian discovers the mage, Turok, seeks to destroy all Scions of Faerie after their ancestor sent him to Uffern for a millennium using the flaming sword, Brander. After surviving Turok’s first two assignation attempts, Ian and his cousin, Drew, use a magical amulet to activate a Faerie portal within Stonehenge.
While seeking Ian's aunt within the Cairn of the Dead, Ian and Drew battle against Lord Turok’s minions before entering the hidden city of Baile Mòr. When a friend becomes a foe, Ian must choose between killing his friend and saving his aunt's life.
As he traverses the cairn's mazes and trapped rooms, Ian learns that Brander is sentient. As the sword exerts increasing control over him, Ian must decide if sending Turok back to Uffern is worth risking his own soul’s existence.
Based on your interest in YA Fantasy, I believe THE SCIONS OF FAERIE will be a good fit for your list. Books 2 and 3, THE SOUL STONES OF FAERIE and THE HALF-BLOOD OF FAERIE are complete and I am working on book 4, THE PRIESTESS OF FAERIE, with a planned prequel, THE DRUID OF FAERIE.