Where do you go to meet someone you might date?

[Kaje]

Hey, y'all. I'm in my fifties, and married, so it's been decades since I looked for dates. And being het, it was a lot easier. So I'm wondering...

These days, if you want to meet someone new to date, especially an LGBT someone, where do you look? Gay bookstores are vanishing ( RIP Giovanni's Room :'( ) Online can be risky (I know a couple of guys with bad experiences, including a couple on Goodreads, so be aware; online is potentially deceptive. Guard your privacy.) So do you hang out at the library? Grocery store? Work? Gay bars if you're old enough? 18+ dance events? LGBT groups like your GSA? How do you find someone new who might be interested?

Or if you're with someone, how did you meet?

[E.J.]

It has always been my dream to go to a gay bar...I'm even not joking. However, there are none around where I live, so that's out of the question.

As for where else...I think I'm still trying to figure out if it is "socially acceptable" to ask out anyone from a bookstore or library, just based on what they are currently reading.

[Kaje]

At least the books give you a clue and something to talk about maybe...

[E.J.]

Kaje wrote: "At least the books give you a clue and something to talk about maybe..."

That's true...but sometimes I get a little carried away when I see that someone has picked up a book or a book by an author that I loved. I go all "I recommend this and this and this" on them. I totally and completely blame my acting like that on being a librarian. :)

[Kaje]

Well, it works, though. Because the person you want to date is the on who comes back with, "Yeah, but have you read this one? It's even better than..."

[Cam]

dating as an lgbt person is hard.... honestly when I was dating men, it wasn't that difficult. it's especially difficult in a small community where it seems like everyone has dated everyone else or know someone who did.

[Kaje]

Cam wrote: "dating as an lgbt person is hard.... honestly when I was dating men, it wasn't that difficult. it's especially difficult in a small community where it seems like everyone has dated everyone else or..."

I can imagine it is much more difficult in a small town.

[[deleted user]]

I find dating is hard if your transitioning from one body to another like myself. I am in a relationship, just I date too as we are friends more than partners. Dating is hard like Cam said. It's hard to tell who you are dating that you were born as one gender, but my mindset is of another. I find dating very daunting and frightening at times

[Marko]

net , i.e. gayromeo, after all
crowd in gay bars and clubs is either too snobbish and haughty to be approached or they come straightforward for sex just-right-now (not bad in itself but we are talking about proper date).

[Maddie Camille]

I've never been big on dating, even though I'm married. I guess part of it is being asexual. Never been super interested in sex, I like it well enough, but I don't need it. I've never really liked being alone, but not being attracted to people kinda made relationships hard. All the guys and girls I dated didn't click right and there just wasn't the attraction and a lot of the time it just ended really badly. I only have one ex that I'm still friends with and she and I were friends for a long time before we dated. I don't know, I ended up with my husband because we were friends since middle school and there was already a lot of love between us and it just clicked in a way that none of my other relationships did. So I don't really know, almost all the people I've dated have been friends first, and I guess that's how it works for asexual me. Love matters more than sex in my world, and for some people sex is really important and that's okay too. My community is one that is often looked over (I can't even find any books that really deal with it.)

[Kaje]

Maddie wrote: "I've never been big on dating, even though I'm married. I guess part of it is being asexual. Never been super interested in sex, I like it well enough, but I don't need it. I've never really liked ..."

There is one short story I know of Accepting Me that I believe is about an asexual teen. There are five others on our "asexual" book shelf - https://www.goodreads.com/group/books... . I did read the last two, and don't recall the asexual character, so I assume they're not a main character in those.

[Maddie Camille]

Kaje wrote: "Maddie wrote: "I've never been big on dating, even though I'm married. I guess part of it is being asexual. Never been super interested in sex, I like it well enough, but I don't need it. I've neve..."
Thank you! I'll make sure to read those.

[Rainbowheart]

Kaje, in Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You it's James who might be read as asexual. He is gay and has a crush on the guy at work, but he specifically mentions he cannot imagine ever having sex with another person. And in 21 Proms, it was the character in the story "Shutter" who sounds like she is both asexual and aromantic.

Maddie, you might enjoy these lists!

https://www.goodreads.com/list/show/4...

https://www.goodreads.com/list/show/6...

First one is for books that just have a whiff of asexuality to them, second is for books with characters who explicitly identify as asexual.

[Kaje]

Thanks, Rainbowheart - you always have such a good grasp of the books and where they fit. (I forgot that about James.)

[Genta]

E.J. wrote: "It has always been my dream to go to a gay bar...I'm even not joking. However, there are none around where I live, so that's out of the question.

As for where else...I think I'm still trying to fi..."

Hi E.J. - You don't say how old you are, but every metropolitan city has a gay bar, or ten. I'm sure you know at least one other gay person in your hometown, so plan a road trip, share expenses, and look online for descriptions of the gay bars in the area. Don't skip this step or you may find yourself in the middle of a heavy leather bar, or one with strippers, or one that is frequented by drag queens - all of which are great if you're into them. And it's always a good idea to have someone with you, in case you get in over your head. Watch each others' drinks and make sure you don't leave them unattended. Big cities have their share of people willing to drug someone's drink to take advantage of them. This has been going on for decades and its just something everyone, gay or straight, should do when going bar hopping.

As for whether it's okay to ask out someone who is reading your type of literature - start by saying hello and asking about the book the other person is reading. If you enjoy the conversation, then ask if they'd like to have coffee to continue talking about books. If the person says yes, and you enjoy your coffee shop conversation, THEN ask for a date.

[Genta]

Maddie wrote: "I've never been big on dating, even though I'm married. I guess part of it is being asexual. Never been super interested in sex, I like it well enough, but I don't need it. I've never really liked ..."

Hi Maddie - There are a lot more asexuals out there than you might think. I recently attended WisCon, a feminist science fiction convention of about fifteen thousand (guessing). I was totally surprised by the number of people attending who represented all along the complex spectrum of human sexuality. I met people very like, and very unlike me. Everyone was open to conversations, and there were even session topics such as TMIsland - Ask a transexual anything. It (or other feminist type conventions) might be a good place to connect with other asexuals, if you're of a mind to.

[Genta]

I've had experiences like E.J. and Maddie. I not only lived in a small town, I was a well recognized teacher who was in the closet until 3 days before I was fired. No one knew of my lesbianism, and I couldln't approach anyone nearby.

I did hit the gay bar scene in nearby metro cities - but I never had any luck there because I'm really not that into alcohol, and almost everyone else in the bar really is. And it is true that within 50 miles or so, everyone is everyone else's ex, willing to spread stories and gossip, which I also don't do. So I felt pretty lonely for a long, long time.

Then I started using the internet, and as I became more familiar with it I found lots of gay chats. There are the ordinary pitfalls out there, people who are either incredibly well built, or have red hair and green eyes, or are 110 lbs and stand 5'9". In lesbian rooms in particular, women need to watch out for male trolls who think they can pass as gay (they can't) and be prepared to be propositioned for cyber-sex.

Just after I turned 43, I entered one of my familiar chat rooms and there she was. We talked for two weeks, then she flew out to meet me. We moved in together and in 2004 we drove to California (from Minnesota) and were one of the first thousand couples married in America. Our marriage was invalidated six months later, but we hung in there. We were finally legally married in 2013, with our two grown daughters and 3 of 4 grandchildren in attendance. This year we celebrate one year of marriage, and fifteen years together.

So don't discount the internet. But just as with gay bars, be discriminating and protective of yourself. Meet in public and make sure other people know where you are, who with, and when you're expected home. Be careful, and your circle of possibilities will expand exponentially.

[Kaje]

Genta wrote: "I've had experiences like E.J. and Maddie. I not only lived in a small town, I was a well recognized teacher who was in the closet until 3 days before I was fired. No one knew of my lesbianism, and..."

What a lovely story (and congratulations on all the milestones.)

The Internet is a wonderful thing, even just to be able to talk like this. But as you said, we have to be aware that anyone can claim anything through electronic media. I know a couple of teens who had problems with adult stalkers online, so enjoy chatting but keep your private info private.

At the same time, clearly there are people who meet the person they will love for the first time on the other side of a keyboard. Especially in a small town it might be a lifeline to like-minded folk.

Thanks for sharing the hope and success story.

[Maddie Camille]

I grew up in a super small town in the Bible Belt. There were about 200 people in my entire high school. Not a very LGBT friendly place. There were a few other LGBT identifying persons in the school but all of us had a hard time. I had "friends" who told me I was going to hell for kissing a girl. And at the time I wasn't really out as anything but to people I was close to. I guess in a way I'm glad I ended up in a het relationship because it makes it easier in this area (But also I genuinely love my husband). There aren't a lot of safe spaces around here. Best wishes to all of you that you find love and happiness.

[Jay]

If you believe the storylines in Teen Wolf, LGBT kids need a fake ID and access to a gay bar. But school plays, choir groups, gaming clubs, and even their church counterparts can become LGBT gathering places, if kids feel safe to visit without too much adult scrutiny. I have overheard some pretty interesting conversations between "straight" boys at swim meets, even. ("Hmm...your hair smells like strawberries.")

I have also read and heard about guys using church-ran ex-gay groups as a dating service. The urge to self-associate usually finds a way.

[Zefi]

Hi!

I was thinking about this thing the other day, as I like to meet people in general and make new connections!
I live in fairly large Greek city, Thessaloniki, so it is not difficult to find gay bars or gay friendly places (although I admit I only got to go to one when I was 19-20, when I found the courage and the company to go ).
These days I usually meet people in the lgbt and feminist groups I attend, there is an encouraging number of them in the city. This is how I met most of the people I recently had sexual or romantic relationships with, and my current bf is/was also a member of the lgbtiq group I am a member of :)

Apart from that, places like Goodreads are nice to get to know people, or certain chatrooms. I have found that here in Greece, irc gay channels revolve usually around mostly male, mostly gay people looking for casual sex. Which is cool and all, but it is not always easy to meet people just for a chat or a date.

[Kaje]

The internet has been great for linking people who want to talk and have friendships, but yeah, meeting in real life when you don't just want a hook-up is a little different.

[Jay]

Kaje wrote: "The internet has been great for linking people who want to talk and have friendships, but yeah, meeting in real life when you don't just want a hook-up is a little different."

Gay bars in northern California are often more about having a place to hang out and socialize than just hook up, IF you visit during daylight hours or early evening. The hook up crowd tends to take over after about 8 p.m. and on weekends.

[Felix]

(Sorry, I don't know how to comment to Maddie's comment, but this is to Maddie's first comment.)
You don't know about any asexual books? Poor you, because I would feel so lost without the community those books give me.
Here's some recommendations:
Let's Talk about Love by Claire Kann
Tash Hearts Tolstoy (I don't remember the author's name)
The Lady's Guide to Petticoats and Piracy by Mackenzi Lee (sequel to The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue)
I didn't really like Every Heart a Doorway, but there is it if you want it. It's by Seanan McGuire
There's a great nonfiction book called The Invisible Orientation that all but made me cry it was so supportive
I've heard good things about Fifth World and Banner of the Dammed, but I haven't read either yet.
In All Out, edited by Saundra Mitchell, there's a good story called "And They Don't Kiss at the End". I wasn't a fan of"Walking after Midnight" in the same anthology, but the protagonist is asexual. Then in Out Now there's "Lumber Me Mine", and one sentence in "Seditious Teapots"(my favorite story of both anthologies) one sentence states that the protagonist is asexual or gray ace.
Good luck!

[Kaje]

Tiffany wrote: "(Sorry, I don't know how to comment to Maddie's comment, but this is to Maddie's first comment.)
You don't know about any asexual books? Poor you, because I would feel so lost without the community..."

That's a great list. We have a thread on the group for Ace info, resources, stories and books too, so if someone else is looking for that kind of thing (or has stuff to add) you can find it here:

https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...