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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > Feedback on First Paragraph

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message 1: by Constance (new)

Constance Buchanan | 19 comments Anna had been buried in the second week of December, and Oswald had borrowed his mother’s car and driven up from New York to be there. His aunt had given him the spare room next to what had once been Anna’s room, and his uncle had loaned him a suit from his younger days for him to wear. The suit was a little dated and several sizes too big for him. The jacket sagged a little at the shoulders and his shirt cuffs gaped open at the wrists and flapped like flags whenever he moved his arms. In the end, his aunt had made some tiny adjustments with her sewing machine and his uncle had dug out an old black overcoat for him to wear over the top of it all. Oswald liked the overcoat. It was made of brushed wool and it smelled very faintly of the cigarettes his uncle had smoked whilst last wearing it and of some tired aftershave that they probably didn’t produce anymore. Oswald liked that the smell stayed with him even after he’d taken the overcoat off, and the pale scent of it carried around the house and stuck to every room, all except Anna’s room, which he hadn’t had the heart to go in.


message 2: by Marie (last edited Dec 29, 2017 06:37AM) (new)

Marie (reader99fl) | 6 comments I suggest removing most or all of the hads.

The first few words, Anna had been buried in, I was expecting buried in work, buried in problems. Maybe: We buried Anna the first Saturday in December.
That version is more active and more specific, and therefore more engaging.

If the suit is several sized too big, the adjustments will be more than "tiny," and the shoulders will sag, not a sag a little.


message 3: by Stan (new)

Stan Morris (morriss003) | 140 comments What Marie said.


message 4: by [deleted user] (new)

Constance wrote: "Anna had been buried in the second week of December, and Oswald had borrowed his mother’s car and driven up from New York to be there. His aunt had given him the spare room next to what had once be..."

Unless the suit is central to the story, I'd be inclined to cut or a the very least move all but a passing mention of it.

I would also begin with the MC (who I'm assuming is Oswald). For example, "Oswald almost had to borrow a life to get to Anna's funeral. The car belonged to his Mother, the suit was his uncles..."


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