best line from your worst review?

[Tiger]

This is NOT the place to complain about receiving bad reviews. In fact, don't do that. Like, ever. Bad author karma, you know.

Rather, this thread is for having a good laugh at the realities of the writer life. Post the nastiest or funniest line from your 'favorite' bad review so we can all point and giggle.

Here's mine:

"It’s like seeing the best, juiciest, most wonderful cut of beef you ever imagined being forced through a mincing machine and slathered in ketchup."

[K.P.]

Ooh, I need to dig through my shoebox and see what I can find. I have over 600.

[Tiger]

Wow, that is an amazing amount. I very much admire your persistence. Definitely post some!

[Eva]

Ok, so the very best line is a huge spoiler *sigh* And if I edit out the spoiler, it loses all context.

[Tiger]

Second best line maybe?

[Eva]

"This is when the story turns into a travelogue of famous places in Japan and their histories. It destroys the novel and if these places are real, then it would be better to put them in a non-fiction form."

[Tiger]

I especially like "if these places are real"

[K.P.]

I'm stubborn. :P That and I drink a lot to stop giving a bean or two about anything otherwise I'd long gone mad.

Here's an oldie! regarding Chain Reaction received november 2010

"I don't know if this was written from someone demented, but a book like this shouldn't exist. It needs an exorcisim. The trees should beat you for the horrific drivel you put into ink."

[Tiger]

K.P. wrote: "I'm stubborn. :P That and I drink a lot to stop giving a bean or two about anything otherwise I'd long gone mad.

Here's an oldie! regarding Chain Reaction received november 2010

"..."

HAHA omg that one is pure gold

[K.P.]

Found another one! regarding The Most Unlikely Beginnings received april 2012 (advanced proof)

"This weird version of the 80s is not the 80s I remembered. This is the most hackneyed melodramatic mediocre book I ever read with overused conventions to count. I could predict all the events a mile away. Feathered aliens? really?"

[G.G.]

haha well.. just reading the last sentence makes me want to read it... Feathered aliens? Really? Bring it on!!!!! :)

[K.P.]

Eva wrote: ""This is when the story turns into a travelogue of famous places in Japan and their histories. It destroys the novel and if these places are real, then it would be better to put them in a non-ficti..."

Which book is that?? Now I'm interested :P

[K.P.]

Found one more! regarding Demonic Awakening (I think it's about april 2005? advanced proof)

Lots of spoilers, but this line made me laugh.
"The author should commit harikiri for attempting to write wuxia. I read better martial arts stories written by old white men."

I think they were referring to James Clavell and Sean Russell perhaps? I found it funny the reviewer thought *historical fantasy* is supposed to be serious. Besides, all the hardcore research I put into it, one of my Japanese friends thought I wrote under a British pseudonym!

[Mark]

"I'm only giving out one star because out was way too graphic, sick, and demented for me. Other than that, well written."

Still don't understand if this is a compliment or not.

[K.P.]

lolz, mark! hey, at least it was well written!

[Lily]

"It's like depressing. Like, dark and stuff."

For a book that says it's dark fiction all over the place...

[J.S.]

Wow, that person did, like, so good at using their feeling words and stuff. :p

[Eva]

K.P., The Butterfly Crest. I know I can go a little overboard with imagery, but I swear all the places exist!!!

[Eva]

Tiger wrote: "I especially like "if these places are real""

Me too!!

[Lily]

Joanne wrote: "Wow, that person did, like, so good at using their feeling words and stuff. :p"

lol Brilliant, isn't it?

Oh, here's another one.

"... and the obvious Jesus complex."

Apparently, a matyr like Jesus Christ and the garden of Eden are the exact same symbolism. News to me.

[J.S.]

Well, yeah, you really should have caught on to that one. For shame! ;)

[Lily]

Joanne wrote: "Well, yeah, you really should have caught on to that one. For shame! ;)"

Hehe, I just laughed.

[Michael]

i'm jealous at all the funny negative reviews you guys got. I only have one and it's way too serious lol I want funny negative reviews!

just thought i'd comment so I could get updates on these lol

[Nick]

I haven't had any really vitriolic ones yet - though I'm sure it's just a matter of time - but I have been damned with faint praise:

"I'm sure that the author will better this effort now that he has set the scene, so to speak"

[Lily]

Ouch, back handed compliment.

[E.G.]

"Since this is not my favorite genre: Science Fiction/Fantasy, I'll err on the side of the author and give it three stars."

This after seven (yes 7) paragraphs of disparagement.

[Lily]

Wow... I guess they don't know what "err on the side of" means.

[Nick]

Lily wrote: "Ouch, back handed compliment."

Yeah. I was reminded of a school report which I had as a kid - in the "physical education" section the teacher had written:

"Nicholas tries to the best of his ability"

And that review seemed to express a similar sentiment. :)

[E.G.]

Lily wrote: "Wow... I guess they don't know what "err on the side of" means."

I saw 3-stars and thought - some one liked it okay. Then there is the review. It was so bad it was funny. It also made me understand Asimov's quote:

“From my close observation of writers... they fall into two groups: 1) those who bleed copiously and visibly at any bad review, and 2) those who bleed copiously and secretly at any bad review.”

[Lily]

Hah, good quote!

[Eva]

That's an excellent quote!

[Dina]

I hate to make this repetitive. But yeah. Great quote.

[Tabitha]

Lily wrote: ""It's like depressing. Like, dark and stuff."

My favorite thus far!

Reminds me of the answers I often get in class.

[Lily]

I had a good chuckle.

[Justin]

I don't find any line from a bad review of any of my books to be funny..although there is a line comparing my writing to Dr.Suess and not in a good way.. I do however have a line from the worst book I have ever read, The Sugar Frosted Nutsack

"I give it no stars, no class and no credit at all and to the author, may god have mercy on your soul."

[Amber]

Some of these are hilarious. I'm sure my day will come, but with book reviews it hasn't yet. I've had the "faint praise" but not the weird vitriol. I do have a good one from a review of a play I had the misfortune to choreograph when I worked for a Shakespeare festival in Virginia a number of years ago--a rock musical version of Pericles.
"If this play was a dog, it would be declared rabid and shot."

[Meri]

K.P. wrote: "Found another one! regarding The Most Unlikely Beginnings received april 2012 (advanced proof)

"This weird version of the 80s is not the 80s I remembered. This is the most hackneye..."

But...what's wrong with feathered aliens? I like feathered aliens...

P.S. Some of these reviewers should write their own books. Very creative insults XD

[Hákon]

It is starting to look as if combining the best lines from these worst reviews might actually make a good book, quite a funny one. :-)

[Lily]

Then the feathered aliens went into the darkness, and it was like, really dark.

[Gem]

My first novel isn't due out for a few weeks. I hope I find this as hilarious then as I do now.

BTW - the one about putting down the dog. I think I've seen that before. Noel Coward, maybe? Nothing like a critic who plagiarizes.

[Eva]

lol. Like, seriously, lol.

[Lily]

And the aliens didn't even know if any of these dark places were real.

[Gem]

Lily wrote: "Then the feathered aliens went into the darkness, and it was like, really dark."

Just saw this. Hurt myself laughing.

[Eva]

Gem - congrats on your debut! When you get that first negative review, just take a deep deep breath, laugh about it with a loved one and then have a stiff drink. Oh, and don't check reviews before bed - that shite will completely mess you up when you happen to stumble on the bad one ;)

[Eva]

Those pesky feathered aliens should have researched the frack out of those dark places before writing! What were they thinking?!

[Lily]

They were busy burying the dog with rabies.

[E.J.]

These are some of the words my friends(?) said about my short story Zenith.

"Not gonna lie this story really f***** me."
"Well that was certainly something."
"Sigh."
"Wait...they're lesbians?!"
"You b****. You made me cry."

[E.G.]

Lily wrote: "They were busy burying the dog with rabies."

I go to work and this is what happens? The feathered aliens are burying the rabid dogs in hidden dark places?

I've already got Lilian blowing something up in her next book. I'm trying to get the spacefaring vampire unicorns into orbit. And now this?

Oh wait, sparkly spacefaring vampire unicorns.

Going to find a nice glass of wine now...

[Lily]

E.J. wrote: "These are some of the words my friends(?) said about my short story Zenith.

"Not gonna lie this story really f***** me."
"Well that was certainly something."
"Sigh."
"Wait...they'r..."

Is that f**** in a good way?

[Lily]

E.G. wrote: "Lily wrote: "They were busy burying the dog with rabies."

I go to work and this is what happens? The feathered aliens are burying the rabid dogs in hidden dark places?

I've already got Lilian bl..."

Exploding sparkly spacefaring vampire unicorns.

I wrote your blurb for you :)