Echos of the Lost~ Path to the forgotten

[ɛƈɧơ ۷ąཞıɛƖ]

Guidelines for posting:
-I am not looking for advise, so please don't post any
-Please nothing too harsh, I deal with enough already
-No spaming just to get me to reply

-Lastly, if you don't like what i write take it elsewhere

[ɛƈɧơ ۷ąཞıɛƖ]

11/5/17

¤Entry one of many to come¤

Morning for the past couple weeks have been hard. Getting up just to walk to a job that has no heat whatsoever and makes you want to wear a heavy winter coat just to get through the 8 hour shift. Not only that but deal with coworkers that are mostly guys. Out of the entire work crew there are 4 girl including me, two are dating eachorher and one is married to one of the men. I am the odd one out. One coworker is ready grinding on my nerves when he gets too close and with a visit from him and another worker, completely drunk i am more stand offish about any friendly attempts from that man. I regret letting him into my home, letting him sit next to me....

Nothing happened though, which i am grateful, but i didn't feel safe at home that night. I didn't, and still don't feel safe at work. I made it though budget cuts, for which i worried too much over. Currently i am avoiding that worker if its the last thing i do. For one, i hate pushy people, and it makes me want to run home and just stay there. Two, overly touchy people make me sick to my stomach if i don't kbow them too well. I now kbow the difference in dealing people i know personally when they're drunk and when co workers are drunk. Friends being touchy and glomping me with small bits of affection are fine. A grown man nearly twice my age touching my leg, telling me im pretty, and saying that he isn't interested in me but his bodylanguage says otherwise. Hell to the no. I dealt woth that for an hour, humoring them as my stomach churned in disgust. This is one reason my i don't want to meet coworkers out of work sometimes. Its never a good experience to things like this, but it was bound to happen sometime.

As for today, i have no savings, i own my mom 700, i now have foodstamps, i got a newish car, my 15 year old jackrussle is still alive and kicking, i can barely feed myself regularly even though i want to, i get paid this friday, i still have to pay to transfer plates, car insurance is going to kill me ecen if i don't know exact how much i have to pay yet, all bills are paid this month, and i don't exactly look forward to work tomorrow.

My life in a nutshell right now is fucked up. I only hope u can get a ride to hang out with friends this upcoming weekend, and have enough money to feed myself this week. Oh and get past rental inspections.... fun fun

[ɛƈɧơ ۷ąཞıɛƖ]

¤entry two¤

Goodreads, a place i joined because friends wanted me too and thought it would be fun for me as well. They were right. The first year went by and i was having fun rping with friends and strangers alike. Some were unpleasant experiences and others weren't. Then as the next year passed, my own preference started to show and less people wanted to rp with me because i was stubborn and wanted a role they always seemed to get. One went so far with drama that i nearly allowed my character in our one on one to commit suicide, not so fun there. Great ideas popped up in my head but no one seemed to want to do them with me. Little by little, the feeling of being alone graded on my mind. The feeling of being felt out. Even the friend that got me to join is now even doing it. I created a private group for us to rp in so we would never have to go to pm and clutter everything, and now they are ignoring it like everyone seems to do on here for the most part. It doesn't really help that i feel this way offline too. I just want to rp with someone that will stick with me in one idea until we get too far and have to start another cuz there is no way to go on with it. I am greatful that one person stuck with me. They are the greatest, but i am not naming names. Anonymous is the name of the game, but i am glad to have them in my corner when i need to get out of my head and rp.

[ɛƈɧơ ۷ąཞıɛƖ]

¤three¤

Ah the feeling of being completely fed. Full and content. Now to think of things i have been on my mind for a while. Youtube. I kinda wondered if i should make videos on youtube for the past year and a half. Of all things, i kinda wanna put myself out there and gain confidence in what i do, be it drawing, talking about anime, talking in general, or gaming though i am not so good with all of these. It would be fun to see what people think about my small talent. Maybe even show off pictures i take with my camera. Youtube is very diverse, but i don't know if i would be a good fit for it. I doubt that anyone would like what i bring to the table, let alone request me to do much of anything. Here's to standing on the fence of regret.

[ɛƈɧơ ۷ąཞıɛƖ]

¤Four¤

New beginnings, new scenes, new state. In the next couple weeks i am going to be moving in with my older sister and her husband for a fresh start. Put in my two weeks and am waiting for the day to leave. Somewhere between ths 15 and 22 of this month i will be leaving michigan for the warmth of Arkansas. My things in storage or sold before i go. I am both eager and on edge at this development. To know that if i stay, there would be no hope for my future except dead end jobs and broken dreams. Arkansas holds a better life, no snow for one. The cold is only 40 degrees. College is cheaper. Better paying jobs. More people my age. People who don't know me except my sister and her connected family.

[ɛƈɧơ ۷ąཞıɛƖ]

¤five¤

Finally moved to my new state. Not quite liking that my niece always wakes me up in the mornings when she is here, but it is what i bargained for when i got this opportunity. Applying to new jobs is the next task. Also getting to know the area. Thats another thing. Right now, i am on my ass waiting to get back on my feet again.

[ɛƈɧơ ۷ąཞıɛƖ]

¤six¤

Manga...

I am at the problem of getting to an author i know of, read most of their works and can tell the theme of character driven plots from the main picture. I really do read too much with manga.... but they are so good! The dilemmas of wanting to what I know I enjoy.

[ɛƈɧơ ۷ąཞıɛƖ]

¤Seven¤

Two lectures in about a week. Something i kinda expected. I do realize how things go in my life. My attitude, my tone are the start of it all. Of course I know some of it is auto, i don't know i do any of it. Like glare. I know when i frown, smile, and squint glare, but when my family was talking, they said i was glaring when i thought i was just staring. Just staring like normal, nothing new. Went to the bathroom and didn't see it. I know i have a bitch face, or i can have a resting bitch face, but glaring when i don't know i have or feel that i am. It confusing. I am confused. Confused at my family, at the world, and at myself. I don't understand what makes me me. I don't know who I am. who i am meant to be. My family all has high hopes for me, that i can do better than what i am. I know i can do better. I really do but the fact still remains that there might, and most likely, things i cannot do. Things they may want me to do. I do and don't like being social. I love and hate being alone. I do and don't like having company. I don't want to date! But i sort of feel like i have to for my family. They press into me to share, to come clean, but i can't. They dig into thing i don't want to talk about right then no matter what effort to change the subject. I can't understand any of this. I get that they are worried about me, that they love me, but I don't what them too. Problem is, I just add to ball of worry and frustration. I don't know what I am doing. What i am. Where im going. All i do is cause some sort of pain. Do i hate this about me? Yes! Do i seek help? No. Should i? More than likely, its kinda why I have this thread for myself. I don't have a horrid life. I'm rather privileged. My family back me up, helps me. I'm starting up new in Arkansas because my sister let me. She reminds me that even though she is pressed against a wall, you have to fight for what needs to be done. She does alot and i do admire her for it, even when she thinks i don't. She made something of herself after a man hurt her. It's her balls to be true to herself that makes me admire her. Yes i have stated thing about the past between us, constantly, but deep down i do believe that i admired her bravory for standing on her own. I put out hat she hated me over all and what i remember of my childhood, it lead to that. Though there were times that she wasn't so bad. She use to let me stay up to hang out, listen to music, have microwaved coffee if there was any cold in the coffee pot. This was less known. Of course i said something about this. The bad thing was, it wasn't at the end of the explains to our relationship. I'm not sure how to go about fixing it. Let alone the trail im blazing with my mom. Our relationship was always rocky. No matter how old i got, we never clicked. We were too different even though i came from her. I didn't make it any easier. I thought i was when kept thing to myself. I thought i was doing good. I didn't want her to worry. For her to not hurt when i didn't do right. Talking is hard for me. It always has. Getting past the lump is hard. The mentality that i will never be heard. The harshness that i think when i feel that people are just going to abandon me like i am a lost cause. I have fears that the only friends i have made will just forget about me. I have made attempts to those i felt closer too to only realize, one that made fun of me the most is better get along with and talk to than others. It just took me moving away myself to figure it out. Yes, there are two to three other that if i do visit michigan again I would visit them to say hi. Hell i am already planning a night out with the one i talk to almost daily. I'm not going to be abandoned easily, but i can't fully grasp that yet. And before i gain a head ache for tomorrow from my tears, i'm gonna stop my rant.

Night folks. I hope you guys the best. This post might be the start of more to come. I think I might need this more than i think. I am going to try to post my findings for myself.