Fantasy Query Feedback

[Oliv]

Here's a query I've written recently please let me know what you think!

The world is cold, dark, empty. And so is eighteen year old Richelle, on the day she has dreaded her entire life, the day her father gives her away to the most brutal empire there is—and its lord, notorious for enslaving Lightlings and scarring them until they can’t be recognized.
For as long as Richelle can remember, the world has been divided. Four empires. Lightlings, Darkling. All she’s ever known is slavery, war, and cold… and she thought she knew her place, until now.
Trying to escape being traded off, Richelle is captured and taken by a rebel empire, and thrust into a world she didn’t think existed. Making sense of an empty castle, a Darkling with no boundaries, a suffering princess, and an alluring lord with secrets of his own, Richelle finds that she may have some influence on her world after all. That maybe she’s worth something, and maybe these Darklings… they’re not half bad after all.
FALLING is a 75,000 word high fantasy novel set in a world where demons (referred to as Darklings) enslave angels (Lightlings), with enough power over them to focus on wars of their own. Each of four empires runs differently, but none are known for their kindness, and Lightling girls are auctioned off to them the day they turn eighteen. This is my first manuscript that I’m actively seeking representation for. I identified with you and your interests because I believe my manuscript will fit into the gritty, dark world you are looking for, with a tone of dry, sarcastic humor and an intricate prose. Below I have attached the first chapter.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Olivia

[Anya]

Hello Liv (or Olivia?), that is a wonderful story concept you have there! For some reasons, it reminded me of "Stardust" as I read through it. I shall offer my edited version, and I apologize if you feel I've missed out some important plot details here and there. Here goes:

The world is a cold, dark, empty husk. And so is eighteen-year-old Richelle. On her birthday, her own father auctioned her off to their brutal Lord (insert name), in exchange for a year supply of bread for her two younger brothers. The Lightling girl is henceforth bound into a life of misery as a pleasure slave in the Darklings' Empire.

For as long as Richelle can remember, the world has been divided into four empires. (list out the four empire names); none of them kind. Captured by (empire name), a rebel empire to the Darklings', Richelle is thrust into a new place to fear. But, when she meets a lonely (Empire's) princess, an alluring lord with secrets of his own, and an outcast Darkling boy, Richelle begins to wonder if light may exist within some Darklings after all.

FALLING is a high fantasy novel running at 75,000 words. This is my first manuscript that I’m actively seeking representation for. I've self-published four books, (titles).

I believe my manuscript will fit into the gritty, dark world you are looking for, written in a tone of dry, sarcastic humor and an intricate prose. Below I have attached the first chapter.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Olivia

[Oliv]

Anya wrote: "Hello Liv (or Olivia?), that is a wonderful story concept you have there! For some reasons, it reminded me of "Stardust" as I read through it. I shall offer my edited version, and I apologize if yo..."

Thank you Anya! I like a lot of your edits but I had to move some if it around for flow/accuracy. How does this sound?

The world is cold, dark, empty. And so is eighteen-year-old Richelle, on the day she has dreaded her entire life, the day her father gives her away to the most brutal empire there is—and its lord, notorious for enslaving Lightlings and scarring them until they can’t be recognized, binding her to a life of misery as a slave in the Darkling’s Empire.

For as long as Richelle can remember, the world has been divided into four empires--Rasilisk, Kieran, Morok, and Danone; none of them kind. Captured while trying to escape her fate, Richelle is taken to a rebel empire and thrust into a new place to fear. But when she meets a Darkling who can’t hold his tongue, a lonely princess, and an alluring lord with secrets of his own, Richelle begins to wonder if she may have some impact on her world. And if light may exist within some Darklings after all.

FALLING is a high fantasy novel running at 75,000 words. This is my first manuscript that I’m actively seeking representation for. I identified with you and your interests because I believe my manuscript will fit into the gritty, dark world you are looking for, written in a tone of dry, sarcastic humor and an intricate prose. Below I have attached the first chapter.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Olivia

[Anya]

Thank you for taking my suggestion into your consideration! I respect your decision to edit as you please, of course, but here are just some minor points I wish to clarify from the edited piece.

1) If you're insistent on using "The world is cold, dark, empty. And so is eighteen-year-old Richelle..." instead, I just wish to voice that such syntax will carry the adjectives of cold, dark, empty to describe Richelle as well. In this case, Richelle the angelic Lightling girl will be "cold, dark, and empty".

She's cold - is it her body temperature, or the cruelty in her heart? She's dark - do you mean her skin colour, or the evil thoughts in her head? She's empty - is she void of compassion and morals, or air-headed?

2) This seems to be a grammatical error. In "on the day she has dreaded her entire life, the day her father gives her away to the most brutal empire there is—and its lord, notorious for..." I would suggest the principal clause in this case to read something like "she is bound to a life", rather than "binding her to a life".

For example, it's more correct to say "On the day she received a bicycle, she learnt to ride one." instead of "On the day she received a bicycle, learning to ride one."

3) This is regarding the story setting. So, which of the four named empires is Richelle captured into, and which other empire/s exactly is this empire rebelling against? It seems redundant to mention it's a rebel empire in the query letter if this point doesn't carry much plot significance here.

4) I'm assuming you're simply concealing your name from the forums here, but do remember to sign off with your full name!

Thank you, again, for taking note of my suggestions. :)

[Oliv]

Anya wrote: "Thank you for taking my suggestion into your consideration! I respect your decision to edit as you please, of course, but here are just some minor points I wish to clarify from the edited piece.

1..."

Thanks so much yeah you make a lot of good points!