YA Scifi Query (Will return critiques)

[Melanie]

Thank you for reading my query. Any and all comments are greatly appreciated and I will return critiques if you like. :)


Freja wants out. Out of societal pressures and standards. Out of her home – the cloister. But she especially wants out of her own head when it betrays her with encroaching walls and taunting voices. Too bad there’s nowhere to go. Cloisters are the only habitable places left on their flooded, toxic planet. Still, Freja will do anything to escape her fears, even stealing dive-gear for an illegal swim in the planet-wide ocean. For the first time since her aunt’s death sentence, Freja finds peace. Until sea creatures attack.

Driven back to the cloister, Freja find messages on her task screen that should have no way of being there since she wasn’t connected. What’s more, they seem to be from her ‘dead’ aunt and they warn of sabotage and murder. Afraid her fellow citizens will think her insane, Freja brushes off the warnings. But when she overhears the cloister leader whispering about the same things behind closed doors, her suspicions grow. Though Freja abhors her home, there are people on the cloister whom she loves and will protect.

To assist her, Freja recruits her best friend and partner-in-crime: Markus. He helps unravel their leader’s secrets until an accident puts him in a coma. He may know the last piece of information needed to expose the truth and rescue their home, but the cloister leader refuses to let anyone heal him. To save Markus and protect the cloister, Freja will have to break stricter laws than ever before. But, in doing so, she’ll risk death by removal from the cloister. This time without any dive-gear.

SUBMERGED is a young adult science fiction novel complete at 84,000 words. It will appeal to fans of the TV show Ascension and Emily Skrutskie’s The Abyss Surrounds Us.

[Keith]

It's 'too long' by many standards, at 263 words. The supposed sweet spot is 100-150 words. Other than that, I feel like it's well written. Her is my attempt to shorten it (197 words):

Freja wants out. Out of societal pressures and standards. Out of her home – the cloister. And out of her own head, with it’s encroaching walls and taunting voices. However, cloisters are the only habitable places left on their flooded, toxic planet. Freja steals dive-gear for an illegal swim. For the first time since her aunt’s death sentence, Freja finds peace.

Driven back to the cloister when sea creatures attack, Freja find unexpected messages on her task screen. They seem to be from her “dead” aunt, and they warn of sabotage and murder. Worried about her sanity, Freja brushes off the warnings. Then she overhears the cloister leader whispering about the same things. Though Freja abhors her home, there are people whom she loves and will protect.

Freja recruits Markus, her best friend and partner-in-crime. He helps unravel their leader’s secrets, until an accident puts him in a coma. Locked in his head may be the information needed to expose the truth, but the leader refuses to let anyone heal him. To save Markus, and protect the cloister, Freja will have to break stricter laws than ever before. She’ll risk death by expulsion, this time without any dive-gear.

[Melanie]

Keith wrote: "It's 'too long' by many standards, at 263 words. The supposed sweet spot is 100-150 words. Other than that, I feel like it's well written."

It's very interesting that you say that, Keith, as I have read and been told by a variety of sources that the query sweet spot is 250 words. Where did you hear 150? I'm curious.

[Keith]

Based on what I've heard, the entire query should be 350 words or less. With a longer blurb, you have less for anything else, such as comps, words about you as an author, etc.

Ultimately, what gets you an MS request is good, all else is bad, so go with what feels right to you.

[Anya]

Hello Melanie, I may be wrong, but I feel the current query you have reads more like a long blurb (or even a synopsis) than a query letter. Perhaps we're using different terms here, so I wish to clear it up first: By "query", do you mean the "query letter" that addresses an agent and pitches your story idea to him/her?

If that is the case, I believe the format might be more like:

Dear (agent's name),

(one paragraph on why you're contacting this particular agent and why pitching this particular book to him/her, providing its title, genre and word count)

(one to two paragraph/s to hook the agent to your story, giving just enough details to introduce main characters, their challenge, and the choices)

(one paragraph - 2 lines - about your writing-related awards or credentials to write this particular story, if any) I've attached the first 10 pages - or other requirements of the agent - of my manuscript to the email.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

(Signing off,)
(Your name)

[Melanie]

Anya wrote: "Hello Melanie, I may be wrong, but I feel the current query you have reads more like a long blurb (or even a synopsis) than a query letter. Perhaps we're using different terms here, so I wish to cl..."

Yes, Anya, you are correct in that there is more to the query letter than just the hook. However, the hook is often the hardest part and the part that you can receive the most help on from other writers and readers.

Additionally, there is definitely some discrepancy in the writing and publishing worlds about what exactly a query letter should contain regarding non-hook elements. But they all agree on the hook. In my experience, what I posted above is the way I've seen hooks appear, which is why I was hoping for a critique of that in regards to what kind of story it portrays and how easy it is to read. If you would like to offer insight on my query, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you.

[Anya]

Okay, I see. I apologize. I didn't realize you were intending to focus on the hook in this particular discussion. In that case, here is how my version may look like:

Cloisters - the only habitable places left on their flooded, toxic planet, and Freja refuses to call a cloister her home. No, not since it had publicly executed her aunt - her only family member left - for a crime that she was clearly innocent of. After three more years of living in constant fear and pressure, Freja wants out. When she finds messages left by her deceased aunt on her task screen, warning of sabotage and murder, Freja is left to wonder the truth behind these cloisters. With the help from her best friend, Markus, and the threat of expulsion from the protection of their cloister, the two set off to unravel a secret that may take them more than they can ever prepare for.