Query YA fantasy UNWANTED

[Palle]

Hi guys, below is a query for my debut novel. Any feedback or criticism will be greatly appreciated.
***
In the African jungle, the lone wanderer perishes but the family survives.

When the chief is poisoned and all evidence points to fifteen-years-old Sakhan's mother, she is thrown out of the tribe. It is a death sentence.

He abandons the protection of the tribe and follows her into exile where they are captured. In captivity, he learns the deaths of his best friend and his father were orchestrated by the raiders and it is only a beginning on the path that will consume the land in fire.

With nobody to trust, Sakhan and his mother must hide their identities, hold off a very powerful shaman and challenge the rule of an army that is the doom of everything they ever cherished.

UNWANTED is a literary YA fantasy of about 108000 words with a strong coming-of-age theme. It is a stand-alone with series potential and the market will identify with the challenges of my protagonist as he finds his place in a savage world. The story will appeal to fans of adventure and epic battles.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

[Palle]

Here is another for the same book. Which is better?
***
UNWANTED is a literary YA fantasy of about 108000 words with a strong coming-of-age theme. I come from a country with over 250 tribes. One of them pays homage to a god with very human qualities. So I wondered what if such a character actually lived, and through his deeds, is revered by his descendsnts with god-like status.

In the African jungle, the lone wanderer perishes but the family survives. A murdered friend. An exiled mother. Justice is a fifteen-year-old boy but his journey begins unwanted.

When the chief is killed and all evidence points to young Sakhan's mother, she is thrown out of the village. It is a death penalty. He abandons the protection of the tribe and follows her into exile. Surrounded by blood enemies and with nobody to trust, Sakhan must conceal his identity, ptotect his mother, hold off a very powerful shaman and challenge for the rule of an army that is the doom of everything he has ever cherished.

UNWANTED is the first of an expected trilogy and the market will identify with my protagonist as he finds his place in a savage world. The story will appeal to fans of adventure, cultural backdrops and epic battles.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

[Anya]

Hello P.E.K., congratulations on getting to the query stage!

Personally, I believe the second edition you've provided is better. I further made some changes to let it read like this. Hope it helps!

Dear (agent's name),

(a simple line of why you've chosen this agent - eg. he/she has published certain books in your book's genre) UNWANTED is a literary YA fantasy of about 108000 words with a strong coming-of-age theme. It has potential for a trilogy.

When the chief is killed and all evidence points to young Sakhan's mother, she is thrown out of the village. The young boy, aware there's no turning back, abandons the protection of the tribe and follows his mother into exile. Surrounded by blood enemies and with nobody to trust, Sakhan must conceal their identities while securing a steady supply of medicines for his ailing mother. When a powerful Shaman and his army march death across Sakhan's homeland, he is called to challenge for the rule of the army, before doom should seize everything he has ever cherished.

I've lived in a country with over 250 tribes. UNWANTED is a story inspired by a local tribal practice where the tribe members pay homage to a god with interesting human qualities. I've attached the first 10 pages of my manuscript (or whatever the agent has asked for) to this email.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Palle]

Anya wrote: "Hello P.E.K., congratulations on getting to the query stage!

Personally, I believe the second edition you've provided is better. I further made some changes to let it read like this. Hope it helps..."

Thanks a lot for the feedback. I already look forward to reading the the first pages behind your version of the query letter :)

[Anya]

Well...you do have those first pages! :) Goodluck with publication!