Amazon exiles discussion
Trackless wastes
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The complete bo**ocks, talk tripe, no music allowed thread
That's ace, I just wasted a good few minutes, but finally got to the end.
It took me about 20 tries. It is good :)
Lez wrote: "From ‘Knitting Paradise’Translation of a Turkish knitting pattern:
"Fabrication:
The front 35 stitches are started and 6 tooth harps (12 rows) are knitted.
For the anterior row of the stalk, 6 st..."
I don't look at 'Knitting Paradise' every day, and I missed this one. I've tried to work out what on earth it's meant to be, but failed completely. Was there any explanation?
Is it a Knitted Chin Strap for partners who snore??? ;o>
Googling 'tooth harp' yields references to the jaw harp and dental floss. I suppose you could knit with dental floss, the unwaxed kind, anyway.The chinstrap theory sounds promising, apart from the reference to the armpit.
nocheese wrote: "The chinstrap theory sounds promising, apart from the reference to the armpit"Ahhh, but if you fasten it tightly underneath the Armpits then it would help to make it so much harder for a snoring partner to try to wrestle their way out of it in their Sleep, wouldn't it? ... (*giggles*) ;o>
If you knit the Instructions back-to-front then maybe you can also make a very useful Immobiliser for partners with Restless Leg Syndrome as well?!!
Good point, or maybe it's a pattern for a straightjacket? With the tooth harps facing in the way for extra discomfort.
It’s a ‘vest’ (waistcoat) and it’s a Google translation. The poster has actually managed to knit a lot of it!http://www.orgu.tv/devrik-yakali-kol-...
It's just such a lovingly thoughtful and so romantic Christmas Gift for your precious nearest and dearest, isn't it? I must confess I do enjoy a really good laugh at bedtime just before I go to sleep and I'd very likely also wake up laughing as well if I had a partner lying next to me in this incredibly fetching night-time ensemble!!!
I tried another online translating service and got:Preparation: Front 35 haraşo loop started at six teeth (12 rows) are knitted. from the front edge to sealers 6 haraşo stitch, plain stitch 23 is knitted in the form of six rows 52 of stitches haraşo. Collar 6 1 er loop for each row of stitches haraşo replicated. The collar will not make cuts in the seat. 62 loops back knitted haraşo started at six teeth. Haraşo knitted stitch loop 50 haraşo edge 6 with 6 loops haraşo. 20 evil stitch cut to the shoulders on the back neck. Nape in 22 remain. 20 stitches for the cut on the front shoulder. The front collar 15 loops back neck loop 22, the front collar 15 in the first loop is collected swollen. 52 yl our labor six teeth haraşo knit finish. Sabitleyel Side by side toward overthrowing button.
"The collar will not make cuts in the seat ... 20 evil stitch cut ... the front collar 15 in the first loop is collected swollen"I'm not sure that this is really selling me on the making of one? ... (*! GULP !*)
Lez wrote: "It’s a ‘vest’ (waistcoat) and it’s a Google translation. The poster has actually managed to knit a lot of it!."The heading was omitted in the original instructions:
Simple Vase Without Overturned Cuffed Collar and Collar Cut
Once you know you're knitting a vase, it all becomes clear!
Tight Knit so it holds water? ;o>
Tight knit? Is that any relation to the Aberdonian headlouse?
A recent article in the Guardian about rubbish tourist attractions included this:“A new zoo in southern China left attendees distinctly disappointed with the range of ‘exotic’ animals on offer. Guishan Zoo, the first zoo in Yulin, Guangxi province, promised an array of rare animals – only to display some inflatable penguins in a waterless pool, a couple of roosters, geese and ducks, as well as a tortoise in a tank surrounded by some money (reasons unclear). Bemused visitors added images of the underwhelming zoo on Chinese social media and they were soon shared far and wide.”
This was followed today by this letter:
“Visitors to the Chinese zoo should not have been surprised at its lack of animals. China is the home of the shih-tzu”
heheheheheheheheheheheheheheh!!
A present suggestion from today’s Observer:“For the friend who has everything: luxury, vegan, Fair Trade condoms in a discreet box”
Lez wrote: "A present suggestion from today’s Observer:“For the friend who has everything: luxury, vegan, Fair Trade condoms in a discreet box”"
I hope they're bio-degradable. Recycling doesn't bear thinking about...
EUWWW!!! ;oOI was just wondering how many 'friends' do any of us know that would actually be open-mindedly grateful for such a personal and intimate gift?
I do know a couple that I could easily have a really good laugh with over such gifts - but I'm thinking that they are probably the exception to the rule in most people's lives? - LOL!!! ;o>
Anyone who gave me those would be eating them for their next meal!
Double EUWWW!!! ... although it does have to be said that they might actually taste far better than a lot of the God-awful Vegan dishes that I have had to ever so politely eat my way through at some of my friend's Dinner Parties! :o>And no, I am not Vegan myself, and I also never want to eat yet another Lentil Bake ever again as long as I live! ;oO
I got one of these for a friend once, as a secret santa gifthttps://www.amazon.co.uk/Small-Pecker...
He opened it at a christmas work dinner. Just before another man had opened a lovely tasteful scarf, and I was thinking OH SHIT I've misjudged this badly.
But luckily he saw the funny side and the place erupted in laughter
:)
Phew.....
Isabella wrote: "Lez wrote: "A present suggestion from today’s Observer:“For the friend who has everything: luxury, vegan, Fair Trade condoms in a discreet box”"
I hope they're bio-degradable. Recycling doesn't ..."
How biodegradable?
Given their function.
Well, I would think that they would probably last long enough to be of use to the average man?However ... if you are Sting, and into having 8 hour Tantric Sex Sessions with your partner, plus of course, several obligatory Tea Breaks as well - then I don't think that these are probably the ideal Condoms for you?! - LOL!!! ;o>
I’m glad to know they’re Fair Trade. Presumably they use organically grown rubber trees.
At last! A use for those left over banana skins!
Lez wrote: "I’m glad to know they’re Fair Trade. Presumably they use organically grown rubber trees."LOL!
I just had a vision of those ' spaghetti trees' on that spoof tv thing years ago, but festooned with condoms!
suzysunshine7 wrote: "Well, I would think that they would probably last long enough to be of use to the average man?However ... if you are Sting, and into having 8 hour Tantric Sex Sessions with your partner, plus of ..."
Sting? MEH!
I bet he started that rumour and not his wife.
Awww, that's rather pretty but still taking recycling too far! ;o>
suzysunshine7 wrote: "Awww, that's rather pretty but still taking recycling too far! ;o>"It never crossed my mind they were used, Suzy.
YUCK.
Yeah, Lez Lee, this is ALL your fault! ... Hee, Hee, Hee!!! ;o>
Lez wrote: "I might be sorry I started this !"Hang your head in shame.
Hey, it is Crimble afterall, forgive and forget people!
Martin wrote: "Hey, it is Crimble afterall, forgive and forget people!"It's not 'crimble', Martin. Christmas IS ONE DAY.
Fkn ell
I have no need for them, just polished off a packet of choc butter biscuits and a bag of wine gums...
Serial wrote: "I have no need for them, just polished off a packet of choc butter biscuits and a bag of wine gums..."That's okay, I already ate yours ;o>
Serial wrote: "Martin wrote: "Hey, it is Crimble afterall, forgive and forget people!"It's not 'crimble', Martin. Christmas IS ONE DAY.
Fkn ell"
One day that lasts the whole year round!
There will, however, be the first of the Easter Eggs on sale in your nearest Supermarket on Boxing Day! ;o>
You can get them now on Amazon. Its not quite the same when you can get them year-round online.
My RSPB July catalogue featured Xmas cards.
A Robin is for Life - not just for Christmas ;o>
suzysunshine7 wrote: "A Robin is for Life - not just for Christmas ;o>":-)
I found this online the other day and it gave me such a laugh! ;o> ..."The following is an actual letter written by a woman named Wendi Aarons. She lives in Austin, Texas, and she sent the letter to Proctor and Gamble regarding their Maxi Pad products ...
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’
Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’.
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull. And that’s a promise I will keep.
Always… Wendi Aarons, Austin, TX."
Amazon exiles
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