The complete bo**ocks, talk tripe, no music allowed thread Showing 2,301-2,350 of 3,123

[Serial]

A wanker with a tambourine, is still a wanker.

[Gordon]

Bit of a waste of a tambourine, then.

Best ever recording featuring tambourine(s): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmpV6...

[Val]

"So what did you do in the Glam Rocks wars Grandpa?"

"I mounted the barricades with my tambourine son"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLT_j...

[Brass Neck]

Val wrote: ""So what did you do in the Glam Rocks wars Grandpa?"

"I mounted the barricades with my tambourine son"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLT_j..."

Who was Barry Cades and was the mounting consensual?

[TheFoe]

And is this where we get the term 'to get one's rocks off'?

[Val]

The Fairbairn boys are at it again.

How School works in Australia

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgMQD...

[Isabella]

Just looked up (won't bore you with the reason) how long a fish can survive out of water and this was one of the opinions I found on the subject:

"I believe they can breathe out of water, but air does not contain as much Oxygen as water. Obviously water is H20, therefore it's around 33% Oxygen.
Air, as a gas is around 20% Oxygen, with the rest being made up of Nitrogen mostly, with some Carbon Dioxide, and some Noble Gases."

I thought "The complete bo**ocks..." thread was the natural home for this load of... idiocy?

[Gordon]

Did this person assert that humans are therefore able to survive better in water than in air?

[Brass Neck]

When I was a kid our goldfish, probably out of terminal ennui, managed to lob itself out of the bowl onto the floor. This was quickly spotted but when returned to the bowl it just sort of floated on its side on the surface. Nan, whose day it was to visit, uttered the bright idea that a drop of whiskey or brandy was what it needed. Alcohol duly adminstered the poor thing fair whizzed round the tank like a tiny orange dervish for a minute and then, presumably spent, it returned to its semi-comatose surface immobility. What worked once would surely work again Nan opined; it didn't; it died but I swear there was a smile on its fishy little lips. Don't call the RSPCA; she's dead now too.

[Isabella]

Gordon wrote: "Did this person assert that humans are therefore able to survive better in water than in air?"

He didn't go that far (humans 'don't have gills"), but none of the comments (about 8 or 9) challenged the science, which is quite worrying. Or am I just being naïve?
I have an image of gills being a sort of biological fission processor, presumably water-cooled, which separates the oxygen from the hydrogen. Anybody up for applying for a research grant? ; )

[Sera69]

Never water your whiskey, poor thing died of shame.

[Gordon]

Isabella wrote: "I have an image of gills being a sort of biological fission processor, presumably water-cooled, which separates the oxygen from the hydrogen. Anybody up for applying for a research grant? ; )..."

Gills don't separate oxygen from hydrogen (only chloroplasts in green plants can do this). They force water under pressure over membranes where dissolved oxygen diffuses into the blood. If you de-gas the water (suck all the dissolved gas out by creating a vacuum above the water) and then put fish in it they'll asphyxiate. This is why fish can't live in stagnant water: there needs to be agitation of the water to allow oxygen from the air to dissolve in it. Oxygen in the form of water can't be utilized for respiration.

[Isabella]

Gordon wrote: "Isabella wrote: "I have an image of gills being a sort of biological fission processor, presumably water-cooled, which separates the oxygen from the hydrogen. Anybody up for applying for a research..."

Oops, joke fallen flat!

[Brass Neck]

O2 have a sense of humour?

[[deleted user]]

Just placed an order on eBay for a grand total of £3.25.
Upon completion, I was then offered the chance to claim £16.87 cashback on this order.
Tempting ... :)

[Craig White]

phone call re. lobbying for automobile servicing,
'hello, mr white?'
'yes'
'this is sanny mcginn from evans halshaw, do you still own the vauxhall meriva that we sold you?'
'nah, (a lie), we got rid of it six months ago'
'oh, what model are you driving now'
'none (another lie), we're still looking'
'that's great mr white. now, you DO know where to come for a new car?'
'yes, i do'
'that's brilliant, mr white, as long as you know where to come'
'yes...........arnold clark'
'aww, sir'
click

[Craig White]

anyhoo, halloween? pah! that's just like totally so six days ago here! d'y'know it's even started to be known as 'killieween'? it's nice to be unique, as well as twisted!
in fact, so unique and twisted are we, as well as being totally calendar obsessed, that as of last midnight, we have left the european union, 'kill-it', if you like! there is now a hard border - a 'skagstop' - separating us from the rest of europe (yay! shouts the rest of europe!)
i fully expect, now, to die of starvation!

[nocheese]

You're a bloody liar, tech. I've checked - Killieween was only four days ago.

Fake news.

[Craig White]

'sake!

[Craig White]

anyhoo, having suffered another evening listening to people celebrating the anniversary of the terrorist guido fawkes - when will they introduce national osama bin laden day? - lux found comfort from an unexpected source - bob zombie to the rescue! the 'thunder shirt' just wasn't calming her as well as it used to (nothing to do with me shrinking it in the wash i say), and bob seemed to sense her distress and cuddled in to her. aw the nice! this worked either because bob zombie is a skilled psychotherapist, or lux was distracted by thinking 'what's this wee bastid doing?' either way, it didded the job! 3 cheers for the zombie!

[Helen The Melon]

Tech XXIII wrote: "anyhoo, having suffered another evening listening to people celebrating the anniversary of the terrorist guido fawkes - when will they introduce national osama bin laden day? - lux found comfort fr..."

Ah, that's lovely. Hope you took a photo?

[Gordon]

Blimey! Esther McVey and Michael Gove on this train (in cattle class). Must be some major propaganda event in Birmingham this evening.

[Gordon]

Oh my god! Matt Hancock's behind me. Should I be wishing for the train to crash?

[nocheese]

Gordon wrote: "Oh my god! Matt Hancock's behind me. Should I be wishing for the train to crash?"
No point, you've already died and gone to hell.

[Brass Neck]

nocheese wrote: "Gordon wrote: "Oh my god! Matt Hancock's behind me. Should I be wishing for the train to crash?"
No point, you've already died and gone to hell."

Brum's not THAT bad.

[Brass Neck]

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01M98FYX...

So that's what it's for and thus that shape is highly appropriate. Where do the batteries go?

[Craig White]

"Ah, that's lovely. Hope you took a photo?"

yes, yes i did. see photies on my profile.

[Helen The Melon]

Yeh, I know it says no music allowed but I don't know where else to post this:-

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-aMjAJA...

[[deleted user]]

"Derbyshire flood victims receive a visit from the Prime Minister "...

Haven't the poor sods suffered enough already?

[Craig White]

all they need to complete their misery is a benefit concert by ed sheeran.

[miscellaneous]

I could send the Trumps if you want. Feel free to keep them.

[[deleted user]]

Your generosity is not appreciated :)

[nocheese]

Overheard in Glasgow latest:

At the hairdresser's -
Elderly lady laden with shopping bags enters
EL:
"There's a strong smell of lentil soup out there"
Haridresser:
"I love the smell of lentil soup"
EL:
"Yes, in moderation."

[Lez]

Do all Hari's styles go in one direction?

You set 'em up...

[nocheese]

Good one, Lez, very groanworthy. I'll leave my typo so that others can appreciate your wit. :)

[Brass Neck]

miscellaneous wrote: "I could send the Trumps if you want. Feel free to keep them."

Would flatulent emissions be of any benefit?

[SussexWelsh]

Lez wrote: "Do all Hari's styles go in one direction?

You set 'em up..."

Oh dear :-D

[Sera69]

"Smell that? You smell that? Lentils, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of lentils in the morning. You know, one time we had a soup simmering, for 12 hours. When it was all done, I walked up. We couldn't smell but one thing, not one stinkin' other thing. The smell, you know that soup smell, the whole house. Smelled like… Lentils. Someday that soup's gonna end…"

[nocheese]

Sera69 wrote: ""Smell that? You smell that? Lentils, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of lentils in the morning. You know, one time we had a soup simmering, for 12 hours. When it ..."

😄

You know, she did have a look of Robert Duvall about her.....

[Serial]

Sera69 wrote: ""Smell that? You smell that? Lentils, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of lentils in the morning. You know, one time we had a soup simmering, for 12 hours. When it ..."

Funky

[Helen The Melon]

Horrifying 22-foot statue of baby Jesus looks just like Phil Collins

[Gordon]

Sign outside a whisky shop in Shrewsbury:

Come in for a wee sample.

Who could resist?

[Gordon]

I went into Superdrug this morning to get something for the younger little miss. Radio Superdrug almost immediately started playing Ed Sheeran. I left without buying anything. She'll have to wait for me to get it from Home Bargains tomorrow evening.

I was recently in a Superdrug in Oxford with the elder little miss. Radio Superdrug almost immediately started playing Ed Sheeran.

It's obviously a conspiracy. There's some reason why they don't want me in their shops.

[Brass Neck]

I was marking some mock exams this morning. One question asks about the adaptations of plants & animals to hot desert environments but laughed out loud when one somewhat airheaded lad stated "Camels have large camel toe feet". I'll get him to read it out when I feedback to them.

[Lez]

Brass Neck wrote: "I was marking some mock exams this morning. One question asks about the adaptations of plants & animals to hot desert environments but laughed out loud when one somewhat airheaded lad stated "Camel..."

Don't be so cruel and childish.
He might not know what it means and some of the other kids might not know either. Ridicule all round.

[Craig White]

.......on the other hand, do it!

[Gordon]

I was once observing an objective structured clinical examination (OSCE) at another medical school. A student on a wound management station was describing the patient's wound to the examiner. He was trying to say there was no evidence of subcutaneous emphysema but got in some kind of muddle. He presumably thought there was a specific term to describe how this would feel on examination of the wound and flailed around in his memory for it. What came out was "I can't feel any flatulence." The look on the examiner's face as he tried not to laugh was priceless.

[Brass Neck]

Lez wrote: "Brass Neck wrote: "I was marking some mock exams this morning. One question asks about the adaptations of plants & animals to hot desert environments but laughed out loud when one somewhat airheade..."

Childish? D'accord. Cruel? I think you possibly hold an outdated view of education which does not function all that well without the occasional exchange of 'bants' which in my classes is a two way thing with those I know can take it as well as deal it. I did share it with the class (didn't make him read it) and it was received with much intended mirth and the lad was only mildly abashed and will not carry the stigma for more than about 30 seconds. I'd never do that with someone shy or awkward but I am known and liked not a little if all the 'Hi Mr Neck's (names have been changed to protect the, ahem, 'innocent') I hear as I lumber down the hallowed corridors of a cheaply knocked-up 70s comp , kids who want to high five or fist bump me (to which my stock reply is 'Not enough hand sanitiser in the World') and kids I teach from across the ability range who say, unbidden and sometimes in the middle of a lesson, "Sir, you're my favourite teacher". A girl asked me how much longer I was going to toil at the whiteboard-face so I said maybe 3-5 years to which she replied in a full classroom of her peers and to my embarrassment, "I pity all those students who won't be able to have you as a teacher". I don't achieve this level of unsought adulation because it's all jokes, bants and pissing around - they know when it's time to knuckle down too and I get the results. I see newly qualified and experienced 'uptight', humourless and downright angry teachers turning kids off all day long; I used to be like that but now, well, Jeez, I'm f***in' PERFECT!

No children were harmed in the making of this little episode.

[Craig White]

"No children were harmed in the making of this little episode"

well, what was the point in that?

no seriously, it's great that students think that, they'll remember you - what more could you want of a career? there were too few teachers i remember with any level of fondness (especially the nutjob whose pointer lodged in the wall a foot away from my little precious, and not cheeky at all, head! there were psychos, perverts, sadists, oddities, more perverts, and even one called boris with an extra nostril. it was a f***in' freakshow! had it been now it would have been shut down - yes, i'm talking about you, stewarton high school 73-77! ye didnae no learn me nuthin'! only the inspiration to take my degree in sadism and applied torture - honours!

[Brass Neck]

"they'll remember you" - poor buggers I taught only last year keep asking me if I remember them (only the total sods - yes you there White - and the utterly brilliant) to which I reply, "Of course, Brian/Marjory". "But sir my name's ….."

Having been at the same correctional institute for the whole of my misspent 'career', I am frequently asked if I remember their parents (to which the answer is invariably a no, sorry)! The time to hang up the whiteboard marker will be the first time some little scrote asks, "Do you remember my grandad/mother?"!