Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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SCI-FI/YA query help
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I think this story has some good potential. Though I would get rid of the sentence "The price?" Agents don't like seeing questions in queries.I also think this query should just focus on one character. You talk about Rita, but then in the next paragraph, you focus on Lux.
When you mention the word count, the book title should be in all caps. You should also mention the genre so agents know that.
Besides these things, the letter has some slight grammar issues. But you're off to a good start. :)
The supposed sweet spot for a blurb is 100-150 words. I trimmed yours down to 152, use as much or as little as you like:In the Caelum galaxy, humanity has created a new golden age of technology and prosperity.
Rita is good at two things: bounty hunting, and getting into trouble. Her latest venture almost gets her thrown in jail, but she's saved by old flame. Rescue comes with a price: be her date aboard the luxurious starship, celebrating the royal twin's birthday.
Lux is the only daughter of the royal family. At the party celebrating her and twin brother's birthday, she's expected to find a husband, to help strengthen her families crumbling empire.
Rita and Lux' world collide when the event is overrun by rebels, and the two are forced to fight for survival. Not knowing who to trust, they battle against enhanced soldiers, a psychopathic girl who revels in chaos, and a mysterious weapon that could dominate the galaxy.
And this at the bottom:
"Orphan of Pandora", 66k, is scifi/YA
Based on my reading of genre word lengths, yours is almost half the expected length, so that might be a serious issue in getting attention. What I've read is the expected word count for scifi and fantasy is around 110K, to leave room for world building.
Your story is interesting to me, PM me if you'd like me to take a look at a few chapters.
Thank you both for the feedback and the suggestions! I had them both in the blurb bit because I use two POV's, but should I stick to just one? The word count has been one thing I've been thinking about, my first draft was way too long and this time I think I was uber paranoid about it being too long again. Since it mostly takes place in one location I didn't need too much on the world building. But I might go in and add a few more chapters.
If you would be willing to read a few that'd be great!
Your blurb sounds like it's two characters going on adventures together. If so, then the blurb should reflect that. In a romance, the blurb gives equal time to both parties because the book (usually) gives equal time to both parties. In general, the per-character word count of your blurb should approximately be the same as the importance of each character to the story.Don't pad for the sake of padding, that will be quickly revealed if an agent asks to see the MS. Only put in what is legitimate to the story. Having said that, if you have a lot of stuff you've worked on, but cut because you were mistakenly trying to shorten it, then it might be best to weave it back in.
Do you have a synopsis yet? I found those to be an even bigger PITA then the blurb.
PM me and I'll send you my email address.
In my experience, I have found that writers who have a couple POVs in their queries are sending an aura of unprofessional ism to the agent. You should maybe decide which character is most important and stick to only his/her point of view.
Ah ok, probably Rita, I'll work it around her POV. Thank you!
Hi, I'm interested in reading your story.
That'd be awesome, always looking for critiques if your available?
Dear Agent
In the Caelum galaxy, humanity has created a new golden age of technology and prosperity.
Rita Volkov is good at two things, bounty hunting and getting into trouble. When her latest venture almost gets her thrown in jail she is saved by old flame, Camilla Du Bouchard. The price? Be her date at a party aboard the luxurious starship, Femina's Mercy celebrating the royal twin’s birthday.
Lux Andrastia, is the only daughter of the royal family, who suffers at the hands of her parents behind closed doors. At the party celebrating her and twin Atlas’ birthday, she is expected to find a husband to help strengthen her families crumbling empire.
The two girls should never meet, but when the event is overrun by a group calling themselves, the Orphans of Pandora, the two are forced into a fight for survival. With no idea who to trust they must battle against enhanced soldiers, a psychopathic girl who revels in chaos and a mysterious weapon that could dominate the galaxy.
Orphan of Pandora is complete at 66,000 words.
(Add personalized bit here)
Thank you very much for your consideration.