Help...I Need Encouragement!

[Michelle]

Heidi, Hi! Sounds like you plan to fake it till you make it. I feel from my personal background, that this technique is called mechanical eating for restrictors. Lose the negative emotions and voices during meals. In treatment we used 4-5 games to distract. Has anyone heard of tabitha farrar? ED coach. There’s on line support for a fee and some videos that are free on You Tube. If anyone reading this blog has done the first please share your experience.
Melody, you are in my prayers as well. My baby left home the day before yesterday. Very sad here. Let’s ALL lift each other up in prayer throughout the day.
I’m able to eat a little more with only nausea afterwards. Praise God. Merry Christmas now thru Christmas.

[Heidi]

Thank you, Michelle. Today is not working. Still going to try to get as much in as I can.

Jenni actually mentioned Tabitha Farrar to me about a year ago. I reached out and spoke with Tabitha a free times via email. I believe I didn't go any further due to the cost at that time.

Thinking about you, Michelle. Sending prayers.

[Sage]

ED has messed me up so badly ;( and I’m going away for a month so I won’t see my therapist, psychiatrist, or have Saturday morning groups. I’m stressing so badly.

[Michelle]

I’m sorry to hear this Sage. You didn’t say where you’re going or if it’s a good or bad thing but maybe this will be a test of your strength and will. Don’t give up- I’m telling myself this too. You have this group if you have WiFi.

[Heidi]

Hi Sage,
I'm hoping you are either going some place for treatment or on a vacation. If you have access to WiFi, as Michelle started, you will have this group, but could you also email with your therapist and/or psychitrist? I know emailing isn't the same as in person, but maybe it will hep some. Thoughts are with you.

[Rachel]

Heidi, I can relate completely to not wanting to ask for support. That's part of the reason why I've avoided coming on here. I also haven't had a phone for over 3 months now, which is how I got on here. It isn't so much food related, still the other stuff I'm pretty sure I've mentioned, plus stress times 100.

I definitely like the idea of you reaching out, but stick to people you know are supportive. In my opinion, from more than what you just said (you've mentioned similar things before), your mom is not and probably never will be that person, unfortunately. Even if you were more stating a fact than asking for support, some people will never respond in a positive way. I think one of the best things you can do for yourself is not talk about food around her.

I'm still here for you guys anytime. Even though I'm down to an OLD iPad that is trying to die on me and I've had to delete most apps, I obviously still have this one and the little number badge notifications are still on, which I can't stand to look at. I just don't tend to read the ones for the boards often because I know I'll want to reply...like now. I don't like to see others hurt without at least saying I care.

If one shows a private message though, I'll read it and reply the best I can. It may not be too long, or say "I got this but need to reply later. Remind me by tomorrow if I haven't, but I'll do what I can. I can't talk or type as fast as my brain is going. That, or the opposite (like right now), it's hard to think at all. (That could have to do with the fact that I've been out of my ADD med about a week and it's been on backorder at CVS.)

[Heidi]

Hope all of you have a wonderful and peaceful Christmas.

Heidi

[Heidi]

Everyone has been pretty quiet, so I wanted to check in and see how all of you are doing?

[Heidi]

"I called the monster Ed
He so controlled my head
Until a greater power spoke the truth it said
Life without Ed is waiting here for you
Be strong keep the faith and you'll see it coming true
You don't have to just pretend
All the pain can really end
You deserve more than the lies that you've been fed
You can believe in life without Ed" ~Jenni Schaefer "Life Without Ed"

https://youtu.be/i6yE08kwxNw

[Heidi]

Hello Melody,
It has been a rollercoaster (story of my life, lol). I have been able to get myself back to almost 100% of my meal plan. Some days I hit the 100%, but most days I am probably between 90 and 95%. That is much better than I was doing, so I'm okay with this. Progress, not perfection. :)

I have also been working on building a support system (besides my therapist, my ED group therapist, and my dietitian). It's nice to have people I can talk to. I'm thankful for the support I am receiving.

Thank you for asking.

[Michelle]

Great job Heidi! Relationships are the key to healing even though hurtful ones contributed to the ed. I need support too. My # is 208-704-1406. Please call if u need support. If u want to share your number I will add it to my contacts list. PM me if you need to.

[Michelle]

Melody, keep hanging in there. I’m listening to Tabitha Farrar and messy on You Tube for specific ed support. I’m in 2 Bible studies and counseling too. Counselor started a dbt group so there are 4 of us to practice skills. All this yet my weight is dangerously low. Freezing here in north idaho. Pain everywhere is terrible. My bible studies help the most. I can’t do meal plans. Let us know if I can encourage you in any way.

[Sage]

Good evening!
I haven’t been on much but wanted to let everyone know that I went back to my therapist today and I struggled a bit being back and back to the regimen we have but then she decided we talk MORE about triggers and ED stuff and it made my anxiety sky high. :(
Hope all is well with everyone!

[Michelle]

Hi Melody, you’re so thoughtful to check in! Had some frightening times this last 5 months but I don’t think I’m going back there. Finishing up a recovery program called genesis process. It’s run out of a local church and is catching on nation wide. Also doing a DBT group from counselor every other week. My faith and learning plus prayer is helping more than anything I’ve done to recover in over 32 years. My empty nest syndrome is slowly improving as is the seasonal affective disorder. Praying everyone is finding their path needed to survive and thrive.

[Heidi]

Hi everyone,

I'm going to ask you to read with caution - I think my post is safe, but I'm tired right now, and may be wrong.

Sorry, I've been MIA again. When I last posted, I was almost back to 100% of my meal plan. Within a few days of my last post, I relapsed again. This was the worst relapse I have had in 17 years. I fell back to certain behaviors I have not engaged in since 17 years ago. It was not good at all. I was also restricting as much if not worse than I did 17 years ago.

Since I have been working with my current therapist and dietitian - almost 3 years now - I don't believe I have hid anything from them. I hid this relapse from everyone, including my treatment team. I just informed my treatment team about 2 weeks ago. I was able to talk them out of a higher level of care with the agreement that if I did not seriously work toward recovery, they would do what they need to do to get me in a higher level of care.

I thought, I could just lie to them and continue my behaviors. I was not in a good place, as a trip I was really looking forward to, completely fell apart. My two friends who were supposed to go with me on this trip had to cancel - both due to relapsing with Ed. One was/is bad enough we don't know how much longer she will be here - this scared me, yet, I continued to let Ed bully me. Thankfully, she was admitted to inpatient recently, so hoping she is able to recover.

Anyways, I have been at or very close to 100% of my meal plan now for almost a week. The refeeding this time has been one of the worse and most painful refeeding times I have had. I don't know how much I will be online right now, as I need to focus on me and my recovery for a little while. I hope you are all well.

[Heidi]

Thank you, Melody. I'm at 2 weeks today of pretty much 100% of my meal plan. The refeeding has been way more painful than I ever remember. I'm doing it.... and I'm going to continue to do it. 😊

Hope you are well.

[Michelle]

Heidi, so sad I missed your post and wasn’t there for you. I’m struggling mentally but a little better physically. The receding is terrible right now for me as well. Can barely go anywhere or work. Praying for you. Keep up the great work!