Life Without Ed® (with Jenni!) discussion
Help...I Need Encouragement!
Hey Sage! I’ve been thinking about you. It may just be my phone, but your post got cut off about the treatment center. I was hoping that was why I hadn’t seen you post lately (not that I really would have necessarily since I wasn’t for a while, but still). Sorry that didn’t work out and you are struggling. I hope this new therapist is a good fit. Glad you are back her looking for support.
Jodie, did you ever get in to see the specialist?As I’m sure you know, to really get into recovery you have to do it for you. This is one of those times though where (just like in early recovery), it may take using another person or goal in the beginning just to get to that point. Use your two precious babies as motivation (not by beating yourself up, but to keep you going). I by no means think you are in a complete relapse (having read this post and a couple others you have made a while ago)...and the fact you made this post in general. Keep in mind how out of wack your hormones have been now for the last almost 2 years. Your body is going through so much, as well as your brain chemistry (think about postpartum depression.) It makes sense that you have been extremely vulnerable to slipping back, just as it would for someone who has dealt with depression at some point in their lives (even if they haven’t in years) to develop postpartum depression.
I know that was a lot of random stuff coming from someone you don’t know, just think about it. Be good to yourself. Take it easy. It’s hard work taking care of a one year old, much less while also being pregnant. Remember, if you have to use them as motivation to do that, that’s ok, as long as it’s not forever. You can’t take care of someone else if you aren’t taking care of yourself. ;)
Melody you’re so sweet to check on everyone. I’m reading posts when I can but am definitely out of the loop. I’ve been in serious decline since June. Don’t know if I’ll see my next birthday. I don’t think another stint of in-pt. Would make a bit of difference. Hasn’t helped in the past. The body is deteriorating and it feels out of my control. Any encouragement is appreciated ladies.
Thanks for checking inNot doing okay sadly.
Out of control with ED and self harm
I honestly don’t know what to do...
Relatives coming Saturday. Spouse still acting unaware or stoic. Hard to ask for help with simple tasks. Overdose of Botox in my neck causing severe pain for me still. Hopeless but trying to embrace peace joy and surrender amongst the sadness.
Melody wrote: "Sage, how are you? Jodie, how are you? Heidi?"Hey Melody and everyone,
It has been a rollercoaster ride, yet again.
School started and with that all the triggers for me surrounding it. Growing up, school was a safe place for me. It seems like now that I dont need it as a safe place anymore, I am noticing how many triggers there are for me at school. Memories of being called "stupid" or other derogatory names from my parents for not knowing answers to homework problems. Ms. Profectionist has also been extremely loud reminding me I need to get A's and anything less than an A is not good enough.
Then, there's the stress at work, being short staffed, having to work hours I was not scheduled to work, having to fight them to work with my school schedule, and a bunch of changes going on with those in my position at work.
There was also a little bit of stress as my team and I made the "finishing touches" to our NEDA walk, which turned out to be wonderfully amazing, and helped me change my mood around.
I have, unfortunately, given into Ed a lot over the last few weeks. However, I'm working on getting back on track. 😊
To those struggling right now: you've got this!! You're so much stronger than Ed, braver than Ed, and you deserve so much more than Ed will ever give you. Keep on fighting, even when you feel like there's no hope. Keep fighting.
Thank you for connecting, Heidi! Working when feeling bad physically is difficult but being made to work positions I’m not hired for has been triggering. I hope it isn’t too difficult getting back on track for you.
Michelle wrote: "Thank you for connecting, Heidi! Working when feeling bad physically is difficult but being made to work positions I’m not hired for has been triggering. I hope it isn’t too difficult getting back ..."Hi Michelle,
I am sorry to hear that work has been triggering for you. Working other positions can be very frustrating.
So far, so good for me ... I'm on day 3 meeting my meal plan. Thank you. 😊
Hi Everyone,On Monday, Jenni made a post on Facebook, which started off with this:
"A little restricting hurts a lot. For me, holding onto any piece of my eating disorder, no matter how small, was like leaving an ember burning after a forest fire. One tiny ember can get the entire blaze roaring again."
This hit me hard, as Ed has been telling me, and in turn I have been saying to my therapist and others, "it was just one food exchange," "it's just one snack," or "it's just one meal." I've even said, "It's not like it was a lot; it was just one day."
I know this is not helping me, but why do I keep doing it? I cannot figure out what scares me about saying no to Ed. I feel so weak against Ed. I feel like a failure. I failed with Ed (weight wise). I'm failing at fighting Ed.
But am I really failing if I'm still trying? One of Jenni's favorite sayings is "fall down 7 times, get up 8." Maybe, I've fallen more than 7 times, but I keep getting up for some reason. I keep dusting myself off after ever fall and trying again.
If I can pick myself up after each fall, then I know you all can do it too. If you need a hand, there are plenty of hands here reaching out to help you up. Keep sharing, keep posting, keep picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and trying again. You've got this. We've got this. Together we can kick Ed's butt!!
Okay, so this post went a completely different way than I had planned, but apparently, I needed to get some stuff out. Going back to Jenni's Facebook post, she asked on Monday for Ed behaviors people were willing to commit to giving up, which made me remember the thread in this group titled “A Different Decision” ( https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/... ). Then, I thought of all of you posting on this thread, and how each of us on this thread could go over to the “A Different Decision” thread and make a commitment to give up at least one Ed behavior for at least one day. So, that’s my challenge to each of you. I have posted my commitment, will you join me in this challenge?
I thought we had a thread for music? I can't find it, so I'm posting this here:https://youtu.be/sQTnREEtuNk
When he told you you're not good enough
When he told you you're not right
When he told you you're not strong enough
To put up a good fight
When he told you you're not worthy
When he told you you're not loved
When he told you you're not beautiful
That you'll never be enough
Fear, he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar
When he told you were troubled
You'll forever be alone
When he told you you should run away
You'll never find a home
When he told you you were dirty
And you should be ashamed
When he told you you could be the one
That grace could never change
Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar
Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel
Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel
Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel
Oh, let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel
Oh, fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar
'Cause fear he is a liar
I don't know where to post this. I need help/encouragement/support. I'm struggling guys. :( In the last 5 weeks, there was only one week where Ed did not get his way. That was 4 weeks ago, after an amazing NEDA walk. At the walk, I felt like people cared, and I did not feel so alone. Now, I just feel like a huge bother to everyone.
Everything is flaring up for me - ED, depression, PTSD, anxiety, stress, and more. I've been thinking about asking for antidepressants (I have not been on antidepressants for about 12 years), but I'm scared to go on antidepressants because of the possibility I'll gain more weight. I know that I should not be letting the weight gain fear get in the way, but I am. So, I just keep fighting the losing battle alone and without medication.
Melody wrote: "I know for me meds plus therapy has really helped. It’s not a cure but helps me deal with the intensity. And I would encourage you to share your fears with your dr too!"Thank you, Melody. I know what you said, meds + therapy, has been proven in multiple settings to be the most helpful. My current PCP (I don't have a psychiatrist) does not know that my depression has flared up. My therapist knows, and she knows about my fear of weight gain is what has kept me from getting a prescript.
I'm trying to get in to see my therapist tonight, but I don't think that'll happen.
Heidi, sorry to hear you’ve been suffering and for so long. This past year has been the worst for me and I am now finding all the reasons why. I lacked support from everyone because they thought my wt loss my ed. Even I began to believe it was. But right before vacation medication changed how I felt physically which helped me mentally too. I wasn’t afraid to eat or gain weight because the depression lifted. I ate FromALL of the food groups too. There are many mental health medications that do not cause wt. gain and I hope this helps get you started on them. When you feel better you move more and are more motivated to be active. That happened for me. I hope it happens for you too
Thank you, Michelle. I'm so glad to hear you have found something that is helping you. That is wonderful news. Logically, I suppose I know you're right about there being medications that don't cause the weight gain, but that fear is so strong.
I have had a few people at work noticing my emotional instability, and one person who noticed I was hypoglycemic without me saying anything. Now, her and one of my other co-workers who knows about ED are both on my case. I have had severe dizziness (hypoglycemia most likely) the since Thursday if I go more than 2-3 hours without eating. I've never had it this bad before, and I actually have been eating more since Wednesday, so maybe I was worse off than I thought? I don't know. Other than that, like I said, I have been eating better since Wednesday, and I'm on an emotional rollercoaster with rapid cycling emotions - which is probably a good thing. I sometimes get like this when I am coming out of a severe depression. Fingers crossed I'll be feeling better soon.
I appreciate your thoughts and support.
I’m happy it was at least a little bit helpful to you and God bless
Michelle wrote: "I’m happy it was at least a little bit helpful to you and God bless"Thank you. It was very helpful.
Question for everyone … How would you respond/What are some things you might say to a physician who had recently learned about your eating disorder, and thought she was being helpful by telling you about a weight management program through her employer? The program would link you up with a nurse practitioner, registered dietitian, behavior health therapist, and physical therapist.
I experienced this today. I did not know at the time the program was a weight management program. I did pick up on two red flags when she was talking to me - one of those flags being the mention of surgery, the other, I cannot say here.
I do believe she was trying to help me, and just did not realize how dangerous this suggestion could be to someone with an eating disorder. Yet, at the same time, if someone with an eating disorder went to this program and was honest, and explained they have an ED, maybe the program could help with Ed, I don't know.
I did not say anything to her while she was telling me about this program. I really wanted to say something to her, but I did not want to make her feel like she said or did something wrong (maybe that was my codependency kicking in?). In hindsight, I realize this could have been a learning opportunity for her and a teaching moment for me.
After my appointment, I got in my car, and I emailed my therapist and dietitian right away with this program's information. I will let them look into it, and we can discuss if it might be beneficial for me or not. I'm not going to let Ed take the wheel with this. I let him have too much control in the past month. I need to continue to take back the control.
I was set up with a case worker at my primary care dr’s office. I felt supported unlike the proposal made to you, I didn’t have to do a program. When I hit a low point I was urged by an IOP program near me to go inpatient which I did. Total waste. I wish my insurance paid for a dietician- I could use one. Go with your instincts and gut feelings.
Hello Melody and Michelle, Thank you both for the responses. I truly believe my doc was trying to help me. I don't think she meant any harm by what she was offering. She was in no way telling me I had to do this program, she was just informing me of it.
I was not hurt by what she said, I was curious in how others may respond to their doc if this was said to them during an appointment.
I gave the program information to my therapist and dietitian. We have not talked about it, which is okay right now.
Melody, I may write an email to my doctor. Nothing nasty, but just informational in an attempt to help her understand.
Michelle, I'm sorry that you did not find help in the IOP program. I wish insurances would pay for dietitians as well. It is truly unfortunate they do not.
Again, thank you for the responses.
If I’m wanting to engage in what I use, I will go somewhere that puts out smells of appetizing things or places that sell what appeals to me. Taking a nap conserves my energy and gives me a break from the mental stuff. Reading puts me in another world. There are great Christmas movies on Netflix right now too.
Hi Melody,I'm sorry you're struggling. I have been trying to reach out more when I am struggling now. I will email my therapist, and now I have a few ED warriors I can reach out to as well. I still struggle with it though. Do you have people you can reach out to? Maybe you can call up a friend and hangout somewhere?
Michelle gave some good suggestions as well.
Things are rough, but we are here. You're stronger than Ed. You've got this!!
For those who may not know, Jenni will be part of a Facebook Live event tonight. Tune in if you're able:https://m.facebook.com/story.php?stor...
"Oftentimes, especially during my recovery, I didn't need to think about everything I was doing wrong; instead, I needed to focus more on what I was doing right - and then do more of the right stuff. I needed to live more in the solution." ~ Jenni Schaefer
“Connect with supportive people who empower you. The more you jump into your life, the further away from Ed you can get. Don’t have a backup plan for living. Live today. […] Trust in God. Believe in yourself. Get friends and family members to stand behind you. That’s the only backup you’ll need.” ~ Jenni Schaefer
What are some things that have helped you in the past, Melody?
I understand. Those all sound like really great coping skills. Are any of them helping right now, even if it's just a little bit?
I'm okay. Thanks.I'm glad to hear you're at least getting some help from your coping skills. You're strong.
I’m struggling. I get awful belly aches, bloating, cramping and more every time I eat. This negative feedback has caused a dramatic weight loss. Gastric dr is sending me to either Mayo Clinic or university of Washington for a bigger work up. Don’t know how long this will be put off between insurance and their availability. Primary dr is ready to hospitalize me. My body is crying out thru pain weakness and arthritis exacerbation. I have limited support.
Hi Michelle,I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. I hope your doctors are able to help you. How can we help you here?
If you struggle to eat, or if eating makes u I’ll what has helped? I want to eat, I do but seriously, I cry when I’m punished for eating by my body. Son flew up yesterday and I’ve been in bed or bathroom half the visit. My husband wants me hospitalized after he leaves Wednesday. Are there foods that are super easy on the gut?
Hi Michelle,I wish I had an answer for you as to what has helped. Unfortunately, I am still trying to figure this out myself. Some days, just reaching out to my therapist or a friend helps, but many days I struggle to find something that helps. As for the ill part.... I don't think I get as severe of ill feeling as you do from the sounds of it.
Have you discussed refeeding (I think it's called refeeding syndrome) with any of your professional support? I don't know much about this, but my therapist a month or two ago thought this was a possibility for my upset stomach. I personally have rule it out. I don't think I am "sick enough" to have refeeding, but I also understand I should have a professional rule it out, as it can be very dangerous.
Foods that are easy on the gut.... could it be lactose intolerance? I'm no expert here, but a Google search turned up with the following foods as supposedly the best foods for a sensitive stomach: yogurt, bananas, whole grains, ginger, sourdough, pineapple, papaya, applesauce, lean meats, and scrambled eggs.
Sorry, I'm not more helpful.
Let's make a gratitude list for Thanksgiving, and take some power away from Ed …. I think we all can benefit by thinking about what we are thankful for right now.What are you thankful for?
Some things I'm thankful for are:
My niece and nephews
My pets
My treatment team
My supports
My friends
Clean water
A roof over my head
Education
The ability to help others
The ability to advocate for others
Also, just a FYI for those who might be struggling tomorrow, according to their Facebook page, the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) will be offering support via Twitter from 10am to 2pm (I think this is Eastern time).
There is also the Crisis Text Line for additional support. Just text "NEDA," "Hi," "Help," or any other word to 741-741 and a trained volunteer will help you.
Thank you Heidi and Melody. Spent a lot of my day in the bath or heated pool at local hospital. I’m very thankful for both, especially my bath. I experimented with foods and soup. Apples in small amounts are the only reliable I can eat without pain. Bananas are so constipating, I don’t chance them. Pretty sure broth is ok in small amounts as well. I haven’t mentioned refeeding or possibility of ED (though I brought this up on phone with gi recently) because last month I took the gut antibiotic and felt amazing despite eating and eating. I didn’t need enzymes or lactaid dairy free, fiber free, etc. How could I have done this if I suddenly started eating all day? I will probably end up in Seattle soon at school of medicine there. I get scoped by dr Wednesday. Don’t expect to find anything. Thankful too for fresh clean water, insurance, family, warm home and car, therapist, you ladies.
Michelle, any updates? I hope you get some answers soon.
Heidi and Melody, I expect to hear results of the specimens from stomach and small intestines today. Had endoscopy last Tuesday as you know. He found evidence of gastritis but it has to be confirmed. University of Washington contacted me Friday and said they’re reviewing my records and will contact me this week. Weight still unstable and I’m just up and already feeling sick.
Alright, everyone … I need some support. I may be trying out an IOP. There are three things that may stop me from doing it: 1) cost - I need to see what my insurance will pay and what I will be responsible for; 2) it starts at 5pm on Monday evenings, and I don't get out of work until 5pm, my work won't help me out, and I can't afford to use FMLA for it; and 3) my fear - I have never done IOP, PHP, or inpatient.... everything I have done has just been outpatient with my therapist and dietitian, so this is very scary for me. I don't know that I am going to do this, but I am willing to at least start by taking the first step - calling and setting up the assessment.
I spoke too soon. IOP is a no go. Can't afford it. I did look into Project Heal, and I might be able to get help from them; however, I decided not to pursue it right now. Maybe my thinking is not right about this, but I would have only had 4 weeks to do IOP. I don't know if I'm in a place where IOP would have helped me in that short of a time frame to be honest. So, I'd rather let someone else use the money. Plus, I don't know that Project Heal would have been able to make a decision about me in one week, which is when I would have started IOP. I will continue to work with my individual therapist, my group therapist, and my dietitian.
Melody wrote: "I would encourage you to reach out to your therapist and maybe Jenni for more advice. Maybe you can at least up your therapy to help?"Thank you, Melody. Jenni's working on her book... so, I can't bother her right now. I am in contact with my therapist. She doesn't want to up my visits. She actually just mention Wednesday night about having me come less, because she's wondering if I'm coming too often and if that's making things worse for me.
Heidi, you are in a tough spot. IOP decision has been eliminated which may decrease the stress around that for now. If you trust your therapist, that decion’s been made as well. I was going twice a week earlier this year and it felt redundant and I didn’t have time to practice what she assigned. Would a support group or Bible study help? I’m doing The Genesis process by Mike Dye and it’s giving me epiphanies each week. You can find him on You Tube. I wish I could drive to your house and stay for a week. We could help each other more. As for my gut, there are areas in the stomach and duodenum that are red and the biopsies show inflammation. That’s all the endoscopy showed. I’m scheduled for the university of Washington January 24th. Not sure what they will do. Barely functioning and freeeezing here in north idaho. Where do you live, and Melody, I’d love to know where you are too.
I'm sorry to hear about your stomach and duodenum issues. I know I've said it before, but I really hope things are figured out soon and you get some relief. I hear you on the cold.... I'm in Wisconsin - it's been cold here as well.
I will be seeing my therapist once next week and once the following week, after that, I'm not sure how much I'll be seeing her - it's going to depend on how our schedules work out. She starts one of her groups during my time slot after the holidays. I am going to try to make it to my ED group the next two Mondays as well. I've been reaching out to my friend who is also in recovery from ED, met her through organizing the NEDA Walk. She's been so amazing the last couple of weeks. I'm not used to having a supportive friend.
This coming week is finals week at school, so once I make it through this week, then I'll have nearly a month to reset myself and get back on track, before school starts again.
That's sweet of you to think about visiting so we could give each other support. Well, I should probably try to get some sleep - I have to be up for work in the morning.
Thank you for the support and encouragement.
You are welcome! So happy you have a break coming up.
Thank you, Melody. I have come up with a plan to help get me back following my meal plan, and I am hoping it will work. I'm just scared because I don't have that personal want or reason to do this. I'm hoping this time my want to not disappoint others will be enough, until I can find a reason to do it for myself. How can I help you, Melody?
Why do you guys have to be so far away?? I'm in TX. Can't we all just drop everything (well, I've got nothing to drop) and meet somewhere in the middle? Somewhere warm and SUNNY??
Rachel - I wish!! I could use a get away.Melody - You're an amazingly strong individual. I'll say some extra prayers for you.
Today (Sunday), is the day I said I would start to get back on track with my meal plan. I am trying something new. Usually, I go straight into following my meal plan, but this time I'm taking 2 weeks to get fully back on it. I'm going to"slowly" add meals and snacks. I don't want to be honest with you guys, because I don't want you all to know how bad things are for me right now. I feel like if I tell anyone, I'll just be bothering them. I feel like everyone will just roll their eyes and think I'm just looking for attention.
Logically, I know you've all probably been in my shoes or close to it at some point, but I'm stuck in that "I'm the only one like this" mindframe right now.
Part of my goal for getting back on track, is to reach out when I need support BEFORE I engage in behaviors. I usually don't reach out before because of feeling like I'm bothering everyone.
I'm kind of freaking out, hence why I'm awake and it's nearly 1:00am. I don't want to start going back to my meal plan. I don't want to feel uncomfortably full or so full I feel sick.
Yesterday, I told my mom I was going to try to get back to following my meal plan, and that I'm afraid to do it, because of how little I've been eating. Her response was, "You don't have too. It's a lot of food. It might be more food that even I eat." It's not more food than she eats. I mentioned how a sandwich and a fruit is all I'm required to eat for lunch, and she was just like, "Oh." She supports me engaging in Ed behaviors. She's doesn't support me following my meal plan. This makes things harder, I think.
I need as much support as possible right now, guys.
Life Without Ed® (with Jenni!)
Books mentioned in this topic
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (other topics)Almost Anorexic: Is My (or My Loved One's) Relationship with Food a Problem? (other topics)
Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from Your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Life (other topics)
Mom in the Mirror: Body Image, Beauty, and Life after Pregnancy (other topics)
Hope everyone's been good!
I haven't been sadly.
I'm back in relapse cycle and I'm getting a new therapist tomorrow (very stressed and nervous!)
If anyone can give me a bit of encouragement that'd be awesome!
I never went to the treatment center I was talking about because I didn't have the money..
Thanks all!