Help...I Need Encouragement!

[Christina]

Thank you Melody. I truly appreciate your kind words.

[Christina]

I second what you said Melody. And to add to it, how to you not fall off the recovery train when you’re sick and things become extra hard?

[Rachel]

I’m proud of you for acknowledging this. I truly believe in the concept of being as sick as your secrets. Something about putting it out there so others know takes a lot of the power away. I hope it did that for you.

This is basically going to be a list of things either I tell myself or have helped me in the past.

Do the next right thing, which you have by posting this. Take it one day (hour, minute...whatever you need) at a time. Put it in the past, you can’t take it back. What’s done is done.

I personally don’t think its necessarily a bad thing to feel bad about what you did in a sense, but it is NOT an excuse to beat yourself up. Im talking no longer than a couple minutes - enough time to think about what you did so that hopefully you can move on. You might even be able to figure out what led to you using that behavior in that time. DON’T DWELL! Take the opportunity to learn from your mistake(s).

I know everything I just said is much easier said than done, but those are the “basics”, in a sense. Remember:

“Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.”

[Rachel]

Christina I saw your comment after I started my last one, so I want to add something. If you are really working at recovery, things WILL get harder before they get better. (When I say working on recovery, that’s exactly what I mean. In no way am I saying things are perfect, slips don’t happen, that kind of stuff. I mean genuinely trying to get help any way you can and using tools you can).

[Heidi]

When I am sick or Ed’s voice is loud, and he seems to be making a lot more sense to me than following my meal plan, I have been working on reaching out to people. As Rachel stated, I also believe talking about it and letting others know where we are is an important piece of the puzzle. When I don’t reach out, I am more likely to slip into my ED behaviors. We also need to be careful who we reach out to, and only reach out to the ones we feel safe with, the ones we believe will be supportive. So, for myself, I know not to reach out to my mom, because she does not understand, and has more than once actually encouraged me to do my ED behaviors. I know she does not mean to, but she doesn’t understand. Therefore, I reach out to my therapist, my dietitian, my EDA mentor, you guys, and now I have a coworker who I just learned has an ED history.

If I’m really struggling and I cannot get a hold of any of my ED support system, I will reach out to anyone and just start up a random conversation with them. This just helps me to distract and also think about something else.

[Michelle]

Melody wrote: "How do you all continue to push through and ...
Melody, I don't have an alternative to pushing thru. I've been sitting back and not working for a couple of weeks and yesterday my spouse said he is noticing my behaviors but hasn't said anything. He said when he doesn't say anything I "get away with it" and when he does I make excuses and try for a short time. Well, he hasn't participated in any of my counseling or treatment. I go, then come home to the same old crap. No sponsor, no group, no follow up. I told him my therapist is my follow up. He said "She's doing a terrible job, you should fire her". Well, she can't hold my hand all the time, that's kind'a his job. I start feeling suicidal until I think about my family and then I'm brought back to Earth and reality. I can be aware of the present, do what I can that I know to be better. I can come here, journal, attend AA meetings and when my counselor is in the country, see her. My main wall now is how I feel physically after eating. I got so ill yesterday afternoon, I couldn't make my cards despite being so excited about new materials I'd gotten out shopping with him. I was in bed most of the day. I can't give up. Its just not an option. Its not an option for you either, my friend.

[Michelle]

Heidi wrote: "When I am sick or Ed’s voice is loud, and he seems to be making a lot more sense to me than following my meal plan, I ...
Great post, Heidi. You mentioned a lot of great ideas. I hope they help others and continue to help you as well.

[Rachel]

Christina, I’m way late on this but wanted to reply in case it happens in the future. You posted a couple weeks ago about possibly missing a therapy appointment due to a snow storm. In the future if something like that happens, is it possible to ask if you can do a phone or video session...even if it’s only a 15 minute check-in? I’ve done it a few times, typically because they were out of town (or in one case I was for an extended period of time). There is also an app (I’d have to look it up) that the last therapist I did it with uses because it apparently is super secure and made for things like that.

Never hurts to ask in situations like that.

[Michelle]

Rachel wrote: "Christina, I’m way late on this but wanted to reply in case it happens in the future...
Rachel, I don't know about others' situations, but my counseling is covered by my insurance. I've asked counselors in the past about doing a phone session and was told that insurance won't cover it and I can't pay the $112. in cash. Just wanted to give another perspective. My current therapist is local which is great. I've driven over an hour each way at times to see people.

[Rachel]

Just a suggestion. A quick phone call to check in, if that’s all you can do, can give you just enough support and motivational get you to the next session. I’ve never known a therapist or charge for that, especially in a situation where a session was canceled due to weather or whatever. I’m sure of it ended up over a certain amount of time that could change, but that is where boundaries come into play.

[Heidi]

I’m emotionally struggling …. Today, marks one year since I said my good byes to my grandma. She passed away on February 2nd last year. February 3rd will be the 22nd anniversary of my little sister’s death, and the 12th anniversary of my friend’s death. February 4th is my birthday, which is just not a good day.

[Rachel]

I’m here for you, Heidi. I’m so sorry you had to go through that...it only makes it harder being around your birthday. I can’t say I understand what you’re going through or how you must feel, Ive never really been big on telling people I do. Since my dad passed away, it’s become a term I refuse to use. I try to make a point to say I DON’T understand. To some people it sounds weird but when I explain why I’m telling them that, especially after it’s been a little while. It’s my way of validating that person’s grief and feelings. I hate when people say grief gets better with time. At least for me, it doesn’t. It changes though. Hopefully you have put together a list of some things you do (that work) when you are really struggling and can’t get in contact with anyone. Maybe also make a list of things NOT to do that will make things worse, too (like go to your Mom’s)?

My Dad passed away 4 years ago on February 6 so I’ll be right here with you. We’ll make it together.

[Heidi]

Thank you, Melody and Rachel.
Rachel, sorry to hear about your dad, and your pain.

[Sage]

Hi all!
So I’m going to be in PHP in April
Yay!
I’m wondering if someone could give me tips and what to expect there?
I’m super nervous!!!!!
Thank you!

[Rachel]

Sage, for the most part, you will be in groups most of the day and have a set amount (in PHP typically 2-3) of individual therapy sessions a week as well as one with a dietician as well if the program is for eating disorders. If it is, usually they have supervised/ therapeutic meal times as well.

A lot kind of depends on the amount of time out of the day/week the program is. I’ve been to programs where PHP is from like 8:00-6:00 Mon-Fri (basically breakfast to dinner), one from 9-4 every day then another from 9-2 on weekdays only. That obviously has a lot to do with programming.

Any specific questions, you can always msg me.

[Heidi]

Birthday update....

My birthday turned out alright. My family wished me happy birthday via Facebook or text.

A coworker brought donuts into work this morning for my birthday. I looked in the box and almost cried.... There was a M&M donut. I told her I had to have that donut, and then explained to her how my favorite grandpa used to get the M&M donuts for my cousins, siblings, and I all the time, and it has been years since anyone in my family has had one, because we can't find them anywhere.

Then, my second shift nurses bought me a cake and had all the kids sing happy birthday to me. I ate a very small piece of cake. The nurses also invited me to their pot luck, so I ate some of the food.

Had a few food challenges today with all of this, but I survived them. 😊

[Heidi]

Sage, I have not had a PHP experience, but I know the PHP programs where I work are similar to what Rachel described, and like Melody mentioned, hard work.

I wish you well!! Good job taking care of yourself!!

[Michelle]

Melody, I feel the same. Depression creates apathy and I don’t care if I recover or even live for that matter. Anxiety creates muscle tension and tension headaches. I soak in a hot bath with Epsom salts and oils. It helps everything to feel better. A hot shower would help if u don’t have a tub. I pray and contemplate while laying in there. Calling a trusted friend helps too. I’ve learned the hard way who not to call. Music and hot tea help the anxiety too. Reading daily meditation books helps me too.

[Rachel]

I wish showers/baths helped me. I’ve never been a bath person (feel like I’m laying in a mix of cleaner and my own nastiness...ocd much?). The shower thing didn’t bother me until recently and I’m wondering if both/either have to do with ptsd. I used to take showers up to 3 times a day but know why that was. Now I dread it to the point I judge when it’s REALLY necessary by dry shampoo not working and how long my armpit hair is (in my defense...it grows fast).


Sorry, way TMI, but I DO keep baby wipes or something like that by my bed at all times and shower anytime I have to leave the house. I’m also ironically OCD about changing the sheets and pillows on my bed.

[Christina]

I'm so sorry I've been terrible at checking on here. I just wanted to thank you so much for your responses. They were all so helpful.
I know I've been rather absent....I haven't been doing great at all. I'm not in a very good spot. I'm actually very nervous to see my dietician tomorrow. I know it's not going to be good. I see my therapist twice a week now. Monday was a really, really difficult session. I won't even go into it as I basically cried the entire session because of what we were working through- which is still a very big work in progress. I just have a gut feeling that php may possibly be mentioned tomorrow. I'm not entirely sure, but I'm pretty positive that it's going to be a difficult appointment. I actually sent an email to my dietician today apologizing for how much I've been struggling and how much it's been difficult to get back on track. I just pray that the appointment goes better than I expect it to.

I'm sorry that I haven't been as active here.

[Christina]

Melody wrote: "How do others of you cope when the physical symptoms of anxiety, depression etc get intense? For me I get really nauseous and intense headaches as well as muscle tension. Let me know if you have an..."

I've actually found that a weighted blanket really helps my anxiety. Last week when my anxiety was the worst it's been in a long time, I ended up sleeping with my weighted blanket to calm my body down and it did help.

[Christina]

Sage wrote: "Hi all!
So I’m going to be in PHP in April
Yay!
I’m wondering if someone could give me tips and what to expect there?
I’m super nervous!!!!!
Thank you!"

I actually find php really helpful. Every program is different, but the one I was in the past three times- the first two times I was there, it was the most helpful and I made a lot of progress there. I found it more helpful for me, than residential.

What program are you going to be in?

[Christina]

Melody, I got mine from sensory goods. They were great!

[Rachel]

I hadn’t heard of weighted blankets until last time I had to go residential in 2014, right after my dad died. I’d been jumping between PHP (which was only 9-2 on weekdays - that’s what I meant by the hours make a big difference) and IOP for over a year, some while working after my FMLA ran out. My therapist had been hinting at me needing a “higher level of care” for a while so I went in one day after looking up places that specialized in a lot of things, not “eating disorders and have experience treating..). That is irrelevant to this conversation, but for someone looking for a treatment team or treatment center for the first time, very important (it’s different for everyone, but you know what I mean).

So a few select girls (it seemed) walked around with these and use them in groups and I finally found out what they were when one day in group I not only was asked to put my feet on the floor, but also put away my blanket. At the same time, one of said girls was not only laying down but also got to keep this blanket. I’m not one to say anything, but the tech sitting in talked to both the person laying down and group leader about it. I asked her what these blankets were all about and she told me what they were for. She also told me they belonged to the lodge and the girls who had them were constantly told to give them back.

They had them for people to use while experiencing high anxiety, to stay grounded before (if they could catch it) or after flashbacks, etc. I had a corner I would always end up in when I was upset or just wanted to be alone. It used to be my closet, but they moved me to a room that didn’t have the “walk-in”, just one the size of a locker. (By the way, that didn’t stop me. I just climbed into there and hoped my roommates weren’t in there! Haha) I was bad. The thing is, at night, I’d dissociate and wander off and end up in my corner and have flashbacks, sometimes to the point I could have gotten hurt. Every time, whoever got me out of it, asked if I wanted to try the blanket, and every time, they were all nowhere to be found.

It’s so frustrating because they’re so expensive and I can’t spend so much on something that could possibly do the opposite. (I don’t think it would be bad, but I have a thing about feeling trapped and suffocated. I’ve thought about getting a child size since they’re cheaper because I don’t think I’d be able to use one past my legs anyway, possibly stomach.

[Rachel]

Honestly, and I know people have different views on this, but really just do the best you can. I’m not saying “drink some diet 7up and eat a small bowl of chicken noodle soup 3 times a day”, but there may be things you can usually eat and just can’t. It depends a lot on what you mean by sick (flu, cold, stomach virus, etc).

The best I can say is try to follow your meal plan as much as possible, but if, say, you’re on 3 meals a day, break up those exchanges into smaller meals more like snacks (or if there are a couple things you just couldn’t get in during one meal, eat it as a snack an hour or two later). That, and stick more bland foods if you need to. If it’s a stomach virus that’s when I personally leave it at do the best you can. It sort of defeats the purpose and can possibly be triggering to some people.

Call your dietician if you have one and are able to and see if she has any advice. She might at least have some good food ideas for you to try or other tips.

Sorry I’ve been pretty MIA. I’m FINALLY passed my “5 months of back to back anniversaries”. That was fun.

I was also out of a medication for over a month. Other than my typical up random hours of the night (yet much less than usual), there were days I could barely get out of bed, some I actually slept most of the day. I swear CVS was just too lazy to put the order in since I’m sure there are probably 2 more places to sign because of what it is. 👎🏼They kept me hanging for 3-4 weeks saying it was on backorder until I called the actual company they get it from (it’s generic), and they said it wasn’t on backorder. For the first time, I was able to talk to a pharmacist at CVS, who blamed it on their vendor and she couldn’t do anything past submit an order to them. I didn’t buy it and she knew it. Magically, a couple days later, she called to tell me put in the order and said they’d have it by the end of the week, but would call if it came in sooner (which it did - Tuesday). Here I am trying not to keep bothering them so I wait to call until the next Monday (2 days ago), giving it a full week.

You don’t always realizing how much a medication is helping (especially if you’re on a lot) what one is specifically doing until you don’t have it. Realized pretty quick yesterday I should have halved the dose not taken the full amount after so long. Luckily I did think about it for the afternoon dose!

[Michelle]

Melody, great job reaching out. I’m not sure if u mean sick physically or mentally but I’ve been getting sick after eating since August. The only thing that helps is laying down, or taking a hot bath. I did have dr order tests but symptoms stopped suddenly. Even salad can put me out. If I know I need to work, I can’t eat until I get home. I know I’m doing what I can and I try to eat things I usually tolerate better. My wt dropped but I know I’m not using the illness as a way to fake out my spouse, etc. Keep talking to us, ok? I started outpatient treatment Tuesday.

[Michelle]

Rachel, great suggestions! I don’t have a dietician and recently have thought about this. Do I truly need one after studying food and cals for 30+ years? Probably/maybe. Insurance won’t cover it. I’m trying to eat from all the food groups- at least one thing from each food group.
I’m sorry about the med thing. I’m also on many things and find it hard to I.d. Whats helping or not. Some of the psych meds have really bad symptoms when the med is stopped suddenly. You advocated for yourself and the staff saw you weren’t someone to be lied to. You used your voice- great job.

[Rachel]

I don’t see a dietician anymore but did for years before. She was actually the first person I saw regularly. I’d highly recommend looking for one. It can get expensive, but a lot don’t charge too much. Just be sure they are certified in treating eating disorders and don’t just have it listed with 10 other things they have experience with. For all we know that could mean they have had one session with someone who has an ED.

I’m pretty sure what you wanna look for after their name is “CEDSRD”. I know Jenni posted it somewhere not too long ago because therapist’s are CEDS and I know RD is added, just don’t know if there’s a space between the two. Either way, that means they not only have experience but also have been trained and probably taken courses or have to complete CE’s specifically on the issue.

It also doesn’t hurt to look into interns (working under CEDSRD, of course). They just have to complete so many hours working under “supervision” before they can get the technical certification. They are almost always a lot cheaper. When I was inpatient once, the therapist was one of the best I’ve ever had. It wasn’t until about 3 weeks in (with 3 sessions a week) that we were signing discharge paperwork and I saw intern after her name. I was honestly shocked. Choosing someone in this case is just like a therapist or doctor. You don’t have unlimited options, but you can always ask them to call when they have a few minutes to talk and get a feel for what they are like.

And yes, the meds...I will be getting off Effexor soon to switch to Lexapro. I’m not sure if you’ve ever taken that but it is known to have the worst withdrawals of any antidepressant (even if you ask doctors). Even worse, it is a capsule so you can’t go down as slow as you should because it can’t be cut. I swore after being on a much lower dose years ago that I would never take it again. Unfortunately, they had me on Brintellex (now Trintellix) while inpatient and when I got out it was gonna cost about $500 a month. This was closest to it and my doctor hated taking me off. Worst part is I’ve now been on the max (as in “only recommended if absolutely necessary” max) dose.

[Michelle]

Hi all, Melody- so happy you are on the other side of suffering from the flu. Much harder with a history like ours. My online recovery program is great but not as supportive as I’d thought it would be. I also don’t have a dietician or therapist right now. I did find a sponsor thru another 12 step program so I get a little support trheee. Keep coming here and posting ladies, I’m here for you.

[Michelle]

Hi all! I Benedict encouragement. I’m doing an online recovery program and working very hard. My body isn’t cooperating at all. Frequent digestive issues are worse than ever draining my energy and wt. I’ve eliminated all potential problem foods. Has anyone experienced this? It’s driving me nuts and spouse nuts. Worried program will ask me to leave or worse go back to treatment. My dr is aware and I’ve seen go specialist. No answers

[Rachel]

Is this a certified program? No judgement, just have never heard of that and a big part of ED treatment as part of a program is meal support and group therapy. Welcome to the future, I guess. Did you ever see a dietician? Maybe it just hadn’t come up or (even more highly possibly) I didn’t see it, but I never noticed you mentioning that so many foods bother you.

Have they always or is this fairly new? That could be the cause, and it’s possible that it is even emotional in some way but has gotten so bad it’s coming out physically. I’m dealing with something similar (Not with food but in terms of not feeling the emotions so things are coming out up, down, sideways...any way they can). There is also always the possibility that when you have had an eating disorder for a long time, then start trying to do what’s right, your body doesn’t know what to do and freaks out. It’s kind of the same thing. I’m glad you’ve gone to doctors to make sure but it’s just kind of more of a reason to consider. Just like with Sara (?), I kept saying consistence is key. I’m not saying push yourself to eat every one of those foods every mean, but if it’s a case of there being no other options, maybe try the lesser of two evils? Possibly you need to see a gastroenterologist and get further testing? Talk to your therapist about this.

Oh, can you PM me that program? I’m just really curious how it works.

[Michelle]

Rachel, first thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I have never been so sick as I have the past year and a half. I respond bad to everything. It’s a wonder I still try to eat. I have had dieticians in and out of my life for years. GI docs too. I think there may even be a genetic component as I remember my dad his sister and my sister having gut splitting belly aches. Could be years of restricting, no one knows but I can’t eat regularly and maintain a job or grocery shop etc like this. My new ed program holds a group weekly, teaches nutrition and assigns homework to go over. I will try to pm me. Founder is author of Inside the thin cage so u can find program via that. All of a sudden they want my dr phone number. They sent me name of online therapist my insurance won’t cover. Yay. I’m taking digestive enzymes which help some but not enough. I’ve eliminated most fat per dr advice since it’s harder to digest. Any suggestions?

[Sara]

Michelle wrote: "Hi all! I Benedict encouragement. I’m doing an online recovery program and working very hard. My body isn’t cooperating at all. Frequent digestive issues are worse than ever draining my energy and ..."

Hi Michelle, I'm having similar issues. Can you let me know the online program too. I have been on a couple but found it really tedious and draining being on the computer all the time. But it can be less scary than going to a group which I have yet to do! Thanks Sara

[Michelle]

Hi Sara, it’s Finding Balance and you’re not going to be on the computer all the time. I’m actually liking it a lot.

[Michelle]

Thank you Melody. Great job staying positive

[Rachel]

First, you asked for support. Good for you for that. It also means you have recognized that you are struggling and not in denial. Again, very important and I’m proud of you.

Remember that recovery isn’t always rainbows and unicorns. There is no straight line (unless, of course, you’ve given up and in that case it’s possible to be going downhill).

I like to compare it to a roller coaster because it’s very easy to visualize. Then one day, I randomly started picturing actual, real ones I had been on ride (a lot of my favorite, of course 😄). All were different, but they all had their ups, downs, twists and turns.

As I sit here, I’m actually associating certain ones with different times throughout my ED/recovery process, all based on the way they move, if that makes sense. Interesting.

Whether you like to look at it as a line with ups and downs, mountains and valleys or the all too familiar “stairs” (fall down 7 times, get up 8). It’s all the same, some people just like different ways, or whatever.

The most important thing I’m trying to say I guess is that struggling is normal. It’s how you choose to deal with it that makes the difference. It’s one thing to be struggling, but pushing through any urges to act out on physical behaviors. Dealing with the emotional issues is also important, I think that’s a given. Unfortunately, sometimes you just have to ride out the wave, just don’t think of it as an excuse to stop trying. Just take it one day, hour, MINUTE at a time.

You’re stronger than you think, braver than something, and I don’t remember the quote but I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

[Laura]

Melody wrote: "Hey all, what do you do when you get in a funk and can’t seem to get out? It’s just challenging sometimes to deal with all the mental health stuff."

Melody, I've definitely been in my share of funks.
Sometimes a distraction works well. I have a couple of funny TV shows I like to watch that get my laughing, which helps. Going for a walk in the sunshine is also helpful to me. The sun and fresh air helps my mood. Also, being around animals is good for my mood. Petting a dog always cheers me up because they are always so happy. I can't help but be happy too.

I've also discovered that trying too hard to get out of the funk tends to work the opposite. I know it's hard, but if you can embrace that you're in a funk and allow it to pass on its own time, that may help.

Hope that helps.
Laura

[Laura]

Michelle wrote: "Rachel, first thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I have never been so sick as I have the past year and a half. I respond bad to everything. It’s a wonder I still try to eat. I have ..."

Rachel,
I hear you. The adjustments your body goes through are rough. All I can say is that it does get better with time. I've been in recovery for four years now and I rarely have any GI problems anymore, when I used to have a lot during my ED and in the beginning of my recovery. In fact, my body has somehow taken a liking to gluten recently after not being able to tolerate it for several years. You're doing all the right things. Just be patient and take it one step at a time.

Laura

[Laura]

Hi everyone, I'm Laura. This is my first time posting something myself on here.
I don't know if there are people on here who have a lot of time in recovery. I was just wondering if there ever comes a point in recovery where you feel really, really good in your body, to the point of feeling sexy and sensual and goddess-like. Perhaps this is just a wish I have and is not a realistic aspiration. I've made leaps and bounds of progress in how I feel about my body but I still don't think of myself as an attractive young woman. Most of the time I don't notice or think about my body in a negative or positive way. I do find myself hoping my significant other will compliment my appearance, wanting external validation about how I look. Anyway, open to your thoughts!
Laura

[Michelle]

@laura, welcome. I’m not going to advise you on anything as I don’t know you at all. I would like to say it would be best for you to do the same. Stay around here for awhile, read lots of posts and how replying works.

[Michelle]

Struggling with this as well so I’m practicing body love thru naps, hot bubble baths, non-calorie fuzzies drinks or as much coffee as I want. Sitting in the sun is another enjoyable activity. I’m careful about what I wear too. I don’t want to be worried about what I look like so tight or revealing clothes go to the byway and big loose T-shirt’s or sweats are worn instead. I let myself read or watch tv too with no guilt

[Mary]

I have been struggling for over 20 years .. and am currently unable to work now due to the severity of my issues of this disease, but to answer your PTSD and soothing techniques, currently, I am downloading audiobooks... I read a lot, but my mind races constantly and I find Audiobooks are helping... right now I am listening to Brene Brown, and just finished Gabrielle Bernstein , ( of course Jenni Schaefer is highly recommended ) ... anything self help, ( besides my regular Fantasy and History... etc)... the audio books help sooth and help me focus, I also listen to fun pod casts while walking (Myths and Legends is a fun one) , The judging and comparing.. well... at 44 I am still doing that, I have wasted my life doing that, and for what?! I can not even hold a job now because of it... I have compared and beat myself up for not being good enough and b/p to self sooth and to control the memories instead of face my problems. It has emotionally stunted me. It only gets harder as you get older. I am journaling in the morning what my body does right for me and write down my blessings I had the day before and that’s all... nothing else, no judging or comparing in the journaling, although it is always there in my mind. I just try to let it pass, and ignore it but it is taking a ton of practice, and again, I walk a lot and take a lot of baths and drink a lot of tea... hugs, love and light

[Heidi]

Hello everyone,

I apologize for being MIA from here for a while. I needed to take a break from the group for some personal reasons. I’m hoping to get back to being more of a support and reaching out for support again. I probably won’t be around as often as I used to be, but I’ll try not to disappear for months at a time again.

Overall, I’ve been doing alright, but I have had many ups and downs and hit many bumps and road blocks over the past several months. About a month ago, my dietitian joined my therapist and I in a session, this was the first (and so far, only) time all three of us met at once. The two of them informed me they felt I need a higher level of care (PHP or IOP). However, due to many circumstances, it is not possible for me to receive that higher level of care at the moment. This was very difficult for me to hear, because I thought I had been doing so well. We discussed their concerns, my thoughts, and talked about different options. In the end, we decided to continue working as we have been.

My two biggest struggles right now seem to be getting out of the weight loss mindset and figuring out how to get all my meals and snacks per my meal plan in when I’m at work and we are too busy for anyone to step away for a few minutes. Does anyone have any suggestions?

[Heidi]

Laura wrote: "Hi everyone, I'm Laura. This is my first time posting something myself on here.
I don't know if there are people on here who have a lot of time in recovery. I was just wondering if there ever comes..."

Hi Laura,

I think everyone recovers differently and at different speeds. I know some people who recovered fairly quickly compared to me and a few others who have been in recovery longer than myself who are still working on it. I also know some who say they are fully recovered and do not have any ED thoughts or behaviors anymore, and some who say they catch themselves on rare occasions having an ED thought. I’ve also had some tell me they do feel pretty and love themselves now, while others say, similar to you, they feel indifferent about themselves.

Just keep taking everything one day at a time and do your best not to be too hard on yourself. 😊

[Michelle]

Heidi, welcome back. I know the feelings and thoughts when told you need a higher level of care. I trust you know what you can and can’t do. I place energy bars in pockets, purse etc . That’s my only advice.

[Heidi]

Michelle wrote: "Heidi, welcome back. I know the feelings and thoughts when told you need a higher level of care. I trust you know what you can and can’t do. I place energy bars in pockets, purse etc . That’s my on..."

Hi Michelle,
Thank you. I appreciate your suggestion.
I do bring all my snacks and have them on my unit, in an easy to get to spot. There are just some days when I an unable to walk away from a situation, and unable to get my snack. I'm not able to carry it in my pocket otherwise I would.
Something I was able to do this week at work was be more assertive. I told my co-workers (some know about my ED, while others don't) I couldn't help at certain times if I knew my helping would get in the way of my meal plan.

[Heidi]

Melody wrote: "Heidi-I just want to say great job on being assertive and putting yourself first. How are things going now? I know you mentioned not being able to go to PHP or IOP now, what about meeting with your..."

Thank you, Melody. Honestly, things have still been a little rough, but I'm trying to get back on track. Unfortunately, due to our schedules, I'm not able to see them more often. I'll be okay, I just have to get myself back on track, and then stay there. It's not going to be easy, but somehow I have to do it, right?

[Heidi]

Melody wrote: "Heidi, I'm sorry to hear things are a struggle. I totally get that. And for me, sometimes when things are particularly overwhelming/challenging, I try to take it in small chunks of time. I love wha..."

Thank you, Melody. 😊

[Heidi]

So, after some really good weeks of kicking ED's butt, I slipped a little. My therapist and dietitian don't seem to be too concerned this time, so I'm doing my best to just look at it as a slip up and remind myself I don't have to be perfect. At the same time, I need to be careful, because in the past ED would remind me that it was okay to not follow my meal plan perfectly. I'm doing my best to get back on track. Today, was almost completely on tract, so tomorrow, I'm hoping to be successful with my meal plan.

Does anyone here have family who just doesn't seem to respect your wishes/boundaries of not talking about your ED triggers? My mom has really been triggering me lately. She has been talking about what she weighs, how much weight she needs to lose, good food/bad food, counting x, and more. I have asked her nicely several times not to talk about that stuff around me. I have gotten into arguments with her. I have not responded to her when she talks about these things. No matter what she is still talking to me about this stuff. I finally told her today that she is displaying ED behaviors and she blew me off saying, "No, I'm not. I'm being healthy." I'm just not sure what to do. Any suggestions?

[Jodi]

I'm kinda freaking out at the moment. I'm currently pregnant and still nursing my one-year-old daughter. I've been slipping with ED for awhile, but pretty much gone off the deep end lately. I've been pretty open with my husband, finally talked to some of my medical staff while in for an appointment yesterday to check on our unborn son, and also found and contacted an ED specialist. I'm on the waiting list to start therapy with her, hopefully within a month or so, if not sooner. Everything in my head is screaming that I am making a huge mistake and really need to just be like "Just kidding! ... I'm fine!" I've been out of any kind of therapy for over four years now (with my previous therapist's blessing), and even though I've been through it before, I'm terrified to start again.