Life Without Ed® (with Jenni!) discussion
Help...I Need Encouragement!
Christina wrote: "Heidi, I had tried reaching out to my therapist. She was supposed to call during her free hour from 12-1 and she never called and then I texted her again seeing if she was able to call around 5 and..."Hi Christina. It can be very frustrating when we have expectations of others and they don't meet them. I obviously don't know your therapist or her situation, but is it possible she may have had an emergency and couldn't get back to you? I know I have become very frustrated and upset with my therapist because she didn't respond to my email for a few days.... each time this has happened, it's been because she either had an emergency or she was extremely busy and she had all intentions on responding to me but forgot. I have to remind myself she's human too. Again, your situation may be completely different, I don't know your therapist. I would highly suggest reaching out to Crisis Text Line if you haven't heard back from your therapist. Hang in there, Christina.
I’m thinking about going back to php, the 10 hour day program. I keep changing my mind though. Any advice or encouragement to make the decision that’s going to be best for you?
I think you know what you need to do and unfortunately no one can make the decision for you. It’s hard to take that step. At least based on your post about not being able to handle anything and how bad you want to go back to your ED, it wouldn’t hurt to go talk to them. I know at any outpatient program I’ve done, you have to do an assessment where they as professionals determine if that level of care is appropriate for you. It’s scary, however, at the same time, takes the burden of making the decision off of your shoulders.I was going to say something about a comment you made about your therapist, too. This has nothing to do with the texting issue, but you keep bringing up the fact that you don’t feel she is helping you anymore or something to that nature. Maybe it’s time to move on to someone else. Don’t stop seeing her until you find someone and try to talk to her. This happens all the time. You get to a point where they’ve given you what they can and you’ve gotten what you can from them. If she knows you well, she has probably already noticed and might even agree. Even if you DO end up in PHP, they can keep her updated and you have her when you first get out, then hopefully you get a referral for someone else who she can give some background to, possibly a session with you there so it’s not so bad when you go in the first session. That, or if you are able to find and see someone before do the same thing.
Thanks everyone. I’ve was in php a good chunk of this year and I think that’s making it a bit harder to decide. This time around I’ve been out for 5 months almost 6, so that’s an accomplishment in itself.
I am actually waiting to find out if I can switch to a therapist I already know. Hopefully I’ll know in a week or two.
Last night had me really bummed. I went to a skating show, I used to figure skate and after the show you were able to skate with the professionals and knowing that I couldn’t and wasn’t strong enough upset me.
I see my dietician tomorrow and am going to talk to her. I’m going to call the php program Monday maybe.
Sounds like you have made some decisions and plans that will help you, Christina.
I’m sorry about last night, but glad you didn’t push yourself. What if you were to use that and other things you used to be able to do but can’t because of your eating disorder as motivation to get better? You could make a list, a collage of either real pictures or from magazines (or draw them), whatever would help you. If you were to do that, you could even get a poster board (I’m sure there would be a lot once you started thinking). You could even add your hopes and dreams for the future, etc. Put it somewhere you will see every day as a reminder.**This is NOT something to as a way to put yourself down or beat yourself up for not being able to do those things anymore. (I know if someone told me to do it that’s right where my mind would be headed! Haha)**
As for the PHP, I understand that process and am happy for you that this was a long stretch. Just curious, did you do okay once you went home for the day? I guess 10 hours doesn’t leave much time for much other that sleep and getting ready for the next day. (That’s a LONG PHP btw.) Anyway, that, and have you looked into other programs? It’s just like what I said about therapists. Sometimes when you’ve been in a specific program it gets to a point that other than supervised meals, you have to ask yourself if you are still really getting anything from it? There may not be others around you, but maybe residential. I don’t know you well enough obviously, these are all just suggestions.
This really has nothing to do with you necessarily but because it’s along the topic of collaging, this is something that has helped me. I have a hard time getting things out through words so I finally got a sketchbook (which I need to find...haven’t done it in years) that I used as a “journal” that is more art based. It’s nothing fancy like you see in those creative journaling books. Lots of cut outs from magazines, colors, watercolors, and sometimes I find I can write a little on the pages once I’ve started because I realized what needed to come out. Years ago it started as bigger collages I’d get as assignments from my dietician so I actually have a scrapbook full of them.
Thanks Rachel!Where I live there’s not much around me. Php has been the best fit so far. I have been out since May, which is a pretty good length of time. I’ve been to residential so many times and I’ve found php to be better actually. There’s a new program opening the beginning of next year, which I wish was open now. It’s php is 7 days a week.
I actually love art and writing. I don’t often do well talking out loud, but having a different outlet is super helpful. I had forgotten about this piece. Thank you!
Ahhh.... Solo time = me time. That's what I was assuming but figured I'd clarify. 😊 Thank you. You ask an excellent question to the group. Unfortunately, for myself, I am still working on my answer. I think I started embracing myself through my writing and photography. When my first two poems were published, I began to believe I had a talent for writing, and I began to truly hear everyone's compliments. That was about 15 years ago. Over the last 3 years, my professors would tell me my research papers were written at the graduate level, not undergrad. For many years now, I have had so many people tell me that I should be selling my photography, but it wasn't until about 3 years ago when a high school classmate found me on Facebook and asked me if I would do her wedding pics (I said no because I don't have the proper training or equipment for such special pics, but I was greatly honored). Then, when my sister wanted newborn pics of her oldest, she asked me to take them, and I have done almost all of her "professional" pics of her family since. Lately many people have complimented my nature pics (my specialty). Hearing these compliments and actually accepting them helped me to begin to believe, accept, embrace, and be proud of my talents for writing and photography. I don't know if that helps any, but it is the catalyst for my accepting and embracing who I am.
Mod
I seriously love the images you are sharing! Thanks so much! Those pics inspiration make a big difference. I really like the quote about this not being your time to quit. Powerful.
Mod
Hi Christina - Good for you for being open to treatment. I'd encourage you to listen to your treatment team's recommendations. What I believe is this: if you don't quit, you will make it. Recovery means falling, as you know. The key is standing. We got your back! Proud of you.
Mod
In terms of holiday help, remember these keys...
1. Support
2. Support
3. Did I say support?!
Now is the time to increase support!
Tomorrow, on Facebook Live, we will be talking about finding connection during the holidays. Details about tomorrow's event are here: https://jennischaefer.com/events/find... 8PM EST (November 21)
Please bring your questions, inspiration, and fun. We always try to have fun during Facebook Lives!
Thanks again for being such great lifelines here in this special group.
While on that topic. How do you explain to loved ones how much of an overwhelming challenge holidays can be? Especially when they don’t understand since for me, if I decide to go, will be around a lot of family.
Mod
Here is a metaphor that helps some families: recovery can be like trying to hold a super big beach ball underwater. It is HARD. It feels unnatural. The ball wants to shoot up. Loved ones might not understand Ed, but they can visualize this metaphor.
Also, it is important for families to know about the biological component of eating disorders. In fact, as stated in my latest book, Almost Anorexic: Is My (or My Loved One's) Relationship with Food a Problem?, 50-80 percent of an eating disorder is related to genetics and heritability. Mental illness might be viewed, in some cases, as a brain injury.
* When we have a broken leg, we go to the doctor and get a cast.
* When we have Ed, we go to treatment and get support.
Hope this helps. Please join us tomorrow for more!
Jenni wrote: "Such awesome inspiration on this thread. Thanks to all of you for being so encouraging and supportive with one another. I am amazing and touched. This Thanksgiving holiday, I am very grateful for e..."I'm hoping to be there for this. It will depend on if my data plan wants to work - been having issues with it. 😞
Jenni wrote: "Heidi wrote: ""I seriously love the images you are sharing! Thanks so much! Those pics inspiration make a big difference. I really like the quote about this not being your time to quit. Powerful."
You're welcome. I'm glad you like them. I think I uploaded them to the photo section as well.
Hi all!Terrified about Thanksgiving on Thursday!
I work 8-3 and we have our meal at 4 and I’m getting anxiety just thinking about it!
Help!! ;(
Hey Sage,Thanksgiving is scary for many of us. Take a deep breath. If you have a Facebook acct, Jenni cohosted a Facebook Live event tonight, that might help you some. You can find it here: https://www.facebook.com/EatingRecove...
Thank you! Ill watch it in the morning on my way to my doctors appointment tomorrow!
Sage wrote: "Thank you! Ill watch it in the morning on my way to my doctors appointment tomorrow!"Okay. Stay strong Sage. Remember take it one moment at a time.
I have a really important question that I need advice on. I start partial on Monday and my parents don’t know yet. I’m doing the 6.5 hour day- which is going to be perfect. I don’t know how to tell them I need help getting a few things under control. I happen to live at home. They are leaving tomorrow for the holiday...my dad still begging me to come, but I really don’t want to. I don’t thing telling them tonight is a good idea.
What are your thoughts? Advice?
Will your parents be back home on Friday? If they will be, maybe you can have a "family meeting" with them at that point and let them know. If they are going to be gone all weekend, then, I would suggest telling them tonight.
They’ll be back Saturday. My therapist doesn’t know either....although I’m working on finding a new one, but she is still my current therapist.
I'd let your therapist know asap. What is the fear stopping you from telling your parents tonight?
Well my parents will kind of go through the roof I think...I think if I can figure out how to tell them and why I need to get a bit more help. I’ll send my therapist a text asking her to call me this weekend.
Are your parents not supportive? What do you think would be a good way to tell them? Think of this question like a roll play opportunity, post what you might tell them, being careful of course with possible triggers, and any of us who see it can share our thoughts, would that be helpful?
It depends on the situation. So maybe if I said something like this:
As you know the past few months have been rather difficult for many reasons. Not being on medication due to allergies made me very vulnerable and with the different situations that have come about, I need a bit more support to figure out ways to get through this. There are a few medical reasons, which a few you already know about and for these reasons I’m going back to the short partial day so I can work through everything and be able to function more. With going back, hopefully some of my medical needs will normalize and become more resolved.
For reasons that you think I’m not doing well, isn’t the biggest medical reason. In that way I’m not in terrible shape due to the fact that I’ve been working really hard.
It’s very important to return to program to get things more under control and being able to manage things more.
If they ask you about what medical needs you have, are you willing to tell them? If not, I wonder if it would be better to take out any of the "medical needs/reasons and say something simple like: I've decided I need to return to a higher level of care for a little while. What do you think?
I have a feeling they’re going to want some specifics....I might tell my mom first before my dad maybe
Christina wrote: "I have a feeling they’re going to want some specifics....I might tell my mom first before my dad maybe"You're an adult, correct? If your are, you are not obligated to give them any specifics. You don't even have to tell them you're doing this. However, I understand the want to inform them. So, you only tell them what you are comfortable telling them. If all you're comfortable telling them is: mom and dad, I've decided to go back to php. And they want more details, you don't have to give them the details. You can tell them you just need to do what you feel is the right thing for you.
Yeah I’m 28. I do live at home and it makes it a bit difficult. They’re going to wonder why I’m out of the house all the time because I’m always home. I did get a text back from my therapist. She’s calling me at 9 am friday.
I get it.... But just remember you're an adult, you don't owe any explanations. I know that's easier said than done, I'm a recovering codependent - it is super hard.
So so hard. I always try to explain everything
Christina wrote: "So so hard. I always try to explain everything"I understand. That's why I really wanted to remindyou that you don't have to explain to anyone.
Christina wrote: "Thank you Heidi, so much."You're welcome. You've got this, Christina. Proud of you for taking care of yourself.
I told my mom. She’s not happy and said my dad is going to be mad. I didn’t go in to explicit details, but said due to these medical reasons I need to go back.
Christina wrote: "I told my mom. She’s not happy and said my dad is going to be mad. I didn’t go in to explicit details, but said due to these medical reasons I need to go back."It must hurt knowing your mom chooses to be upset, instead of being supportive of you making the choice to get better. I'm going to assume she does not understand, and that is okay. You've got this. You are doing what is best for you, and that is amazing. Be proud of yourself.
Thank you Heidi. One of her comments was they do all they can to support me after I said I need a little more support. I get the I hear that all the Time comment. Unfortunately I’ve had a lot of things come my way and I need to work through them.
I need to remind myself that I can’t control their feelings or thoughts.
If you haven't, maybe you can acknowledge how much support they offer you and then tell them you aren't going to php because they dont support you enough, but because you feel you will benefit from more professional help. If you want to say that.Your last sentence is 100% accurate!!
I did say that to my mom :) I said they give me enough support and right now I just need a little more.
My parents are both okay with me going back to partial....they just said it in the car. So relieved.
Christina wrote: "My parents are both okay with me going back to partial....they just said it in the car. So relieved."I'm so glad to hear this. Maybe they just needed some time to think about it?
Yeah I think that and since I decided to go with them away, they saw some things and are okay with me going.
That’s great news. I know you were talking about doing it anyway but I’m sure this takes away a lot of unnecessary stress.
Thank you Melody and Rachel. It’s nice to have support here.y first day of php is tomorrow. I’m doing the 6.5 hours five days a week. I’m glad it’s that one because it still gives me some freedom.
The thing that helped me most was asking myself in this moment what would my Grandma want me to do. It’s hard losing grandparents, something I was never prepared for. Another important thing is self care. Be kind to yourself, treat yourself to something that you love doing whether it’s going to the movies or getting your nails done. Treat yourself with extra kindness. Know that it’s okay to grieve. I still cry about my grandparents once in a while and that’s okay too. Keep the memories alive. Something I’ve always wanted to do is write them a letter, put it in a balloon and send it to heaven. I still want to do this. I also try to remember all the fun times we had and anything that will make me laugh.
Take extra good care of yourself. We are here if you need anything.
I’m so sorry, Melody. I do the same thing, Christina. I actually think I posted it somewhere not too long ago...or maybe it was in the FB Live Jenni did. My dad passed away almost 4 years ago from cancer. He was put on hospice right after Christmas and my mom and I took care of him 24/7. Even expected, it’s not any easier.The best advice I can give you after my experience is to remember that it’s ok to grieve and that looks different for everyone. It also takes a different amount of time. I still am. I can almost guarantee you that at some point not to long after it happens, but it doesn’t matter how long it it has been, you will get comments like “aren’t you over this by now?” Ignore them (or punch them in the face). Personally, even with identical twins, I will never say that I understand how someone feels or what they’re going through because I never liked when people said it to me. To an extent? Sure, maybe some of the same emotions are there. There is probably a lot someone can relate to, but nobody knows exactly what the relationship was like between the two of you.
I know she’s still here, but I’m posting this now because you said you saw her for the last time so I wasn’t sure if you were already grieving. That is completely normal. I’m pretty sure I started before my Dad was actually gone, just can’t pinpoint a time.
I’m here if you need anything. I don’t understand exactly what you’re going through, but I I can be a sounding board for you to vent or tell you more that I experienced, or even laugh with (I forgot to mention, it is perfectly ok to do that, too).
Christina, I just saw the last part of your post about the balloon and letter. It took me a while but I have done both (different situations though...will explain the situations later in the post).At home after Dad died, I needed to stay strong and be there for my mom and sisters, especially Mom. She was the one who lost her soul mate, best friend...the love of her life...her husband of almost 37 years. It was the least I could do after how much they both supported me through hell and back and would drop anything just to be there. Since I was the only one still living at home, I felt almost responsible for keeping life going.
While he in hospice, as much as I hated seeing him like that, there were the usual people that would come over almost every night, bringing in meals for Mom and I (he couldn’t eat because of the type of cancer). People would come visit that he hadn’t seen in years (just the occasional phone call), a friend he had still kept in touch with he met in 3rd grade and his wife. The one that really gets me is the couple that drove about 2 hours to come see him. They were in a band together for years with another guy and hadn’t seen each other in at least 20 years. They came over two, possibly 3 times. (I know that may not se like a lot when I say a couple, but he was only on hospice a month.) He even played (guitar) and sang at his memorial service.
I mention this because for a month, we constantly had a pretty steady flow of people in and out of our house. Not only did it help to distract from the reality of what was going on, but it was obvious that it my dad would benefit from it as well. Once he was gone, it all just stopped. I’m not blaming anyone or saying they should have kept coming and bring us food! Reality just kind of hit and it was back to life...but a new life without him we would have to adjust to.
It didn’t take long before I ended up in Residential treatment. I had only been there a week or two and the three month mark hit. I think that was the first time I really let myself feel anything and grieve. I cried for the first time since the memorial service so ran into my room and into my closet (which became a bad habit while I was there). When the tech finally found me, she asked what was wrong. I said the token “I’m fine,” so she just sat against the wall and talked to me until I was finally able to tell her what was wrong and I wanted to go home and do something for him since I never got to. Even mentioned the balloon thing just as an example. We had art next so she said to find something there with some sort of significance and before she left she’d take me on a walk to the pond they and I could do something with it. I spent the whole time looking for that perfect thing that I obviously never found and I ended up grabbing a feather. At the time it didn’t have much significance other than the fact I hoped it would float away in the wind. Looking back now, it carries so much meaning it’s almost scary.
I noticed they had done shift change so figured she left and forgot about me or was just trying to appease me so I’d leave the closed (common themes in my life. No, she signed out and stayed late just to do this with me. I told her the feather was crap and a color I don’t particularly like, but I wanted something that would blow away. Big flop, FYI. Went right to the ground, but at least we laughed. Then she told me she was gonna give me a few minutes to think about good memories, talk to him, whatever would help me. She even walked a few feet away so I actually was as alone as I could be. By the time we got back, she had stayed well over an hour passed when she could have left. She gave me that first glimpse of hope that I could make it through the process and I will Be forever grateful for her. (Then she went part time the next week and I almost cried when she told me!)
Had to leave residential because of insurance and the whole time aftercare had been telling me about a trauma PHP. At some point that changed but no one told me until the day before I left...they were sending me back to an ED PHP. Would have been fine except trauma is what I needed to work on and I know how this program works...it’s basically like until you’ve got food down 100%, and have no other urges, we have to work on coping skills and crap. I will never get 100% of food there because they aren’t flexible at all if you genuinely don’t like a food. Considering that is cheese for me, it’s not something I may have to eat once every couple weeks. I don’t even know how long I lasted there anyway because my therapist (who I had been seeing outpatient before I even went there the first time when she had a private practice and KNOWS me and about why I do that specific thing) sent me straight to the psych ward because I was honest about using a behavior. Basically they wouldn’t let me leave until I was in a dbt program and I knew the one at the hospital wouldn’t help because all it was for was depression. When she realized why I left residential and how they were the ones who sent me to that PHP, she thought I needed to go back. Of course insurance pays again since I’d been back through two levels of care.
Went back and this time they sent me home to a TRAUMA PHP...I’d never go to this psych hospital except for this program, which has now moved to another facility. Had an AMAZING therapist. One assignment I got was to write a letter to my dad. It definitely was different like I said at the beginning because it had a format to follow (sentence by sentence pretty much but not one-word responses). Then she made me read it to her out loud. I kept trying to just give it to her to read but she wouldn’t do it. At the time, the whole process was helpful and probably the most I could do where I was emotionally. I do still think about free-handing one.
Finally...the balloons. I’ve wanted to do that for a long time. I couldn’t on the first anniversary of his death since I’m pretty sure I was in treatment and I know I was the first birthday that passed. My sense of time from the Sept before (when I first started PHP), for the next year or 2 is way off because I was in some sort of treatment for at least a year then in and out after). I remember certain time periods but that’s it. I do know I always wanted to go somewhere and let balloons go, and it would be by water. The beach would be ideal, standing over the ocean at the end of a pier...Not that I’ve given it much thought or anything! Ha. Not very practical from here though. I always told myself I didn’t want to go alone, yet never really asked anyone to go do it with me. Looking back, I think subconsciously that part of me was almost scared. I was afraid if I physically let it go, I’d be letting go of a part of him.
Last year on his birthday, I finally decided I was going to do it...but where? I called a friend who lives near a lake and would know a good place to park and where it wouldn’t be crowded. She’s never available the same day. She was that day. Headed to the store expecting to just get a few plain ones blown up since the Mylar ones are usually either flowery, for kids, or bright and TOO cheerful (I wasn’t looking for zombies, just something simple because that’s how Dad was...a laid back easy going guy). Right as she finished my other balloon, and a big one I got for my friend’s 3 year old of course, I glanced down and on the bottom row they had a dark blue one that said HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD in plain silver letters. I hadn’t even seen one at all that said Dad, much less couldn’t have been more perfect.
I went to her house and there’s a big row of restaurants I guess you can go behind and up a ramp so you’re right on the lake. It took me a minute to let go so she finally had to just count down so she could get the picture anyway. It was the total opposite of how I was afraid I’d feel...almost as if a sense of peace came over me as I watched the Happy Birthday balloon slowly disappear into the clouds. The next day I got such a clear sign that he got it left me speechless. (I’m not going into details...don’t feel like getting crap about how “that doesn’t exist”). I messed with the picture she took with me letting go of the balloons and it looks so cool. I just don’t particularly wanna post it here.
That hospice stuff was irrelevant. Not sure where it came from. I guess about taking care of my mom? I’m horrible about over-typing.
Life Without Ed® (with Jenni!)
Books mentioned in this topic
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (other topics)Almost Anorexic: Is My (or My Loved One's) Relationship with Food a Problem? (other topics)
Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from Your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Life (other topics)
Mom in the Mirror: Body Image, Beauty, and Life after Pregnancy (other topics)
Christina, just wants to say I am with you."
You're welcome, Melody. Sounds like you are doing a good job taking care of yourself even though you are struggling, which can be so very difficult. Proud of you for doing this.
What do you mean by "solo recharge time"?