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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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YA magical realism query critique needed
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One question: what causes a 98 year old ghost to age from toddler to teenager?I think you can condense the query without losing anything. Unfortunately, I'm not in a position today, with the computer I have access to, to offer an edited alternative.
For instance, you have the title and genre twice. Put your word count at the top, and just use 80K (which, btw, feels long to me for a YA novel, particularly for a debut). Based on my research over the years, it's important that your debut novel be standalone, meaning there are no cliffhangers. Everyone wants series potential, but only if the first book sells. Assuming your novel is complete, you should emphasize this, then stick with mentioning the potential for the series.
I really like your hook of being a high school teacher and the time you spent with your target audience, so I feel that's important to preserve.
Thanks for the response--I guess I need to make it clearer that only Zach's aged from toddler to teenager (Charlotte's a ghost who died as a teen)
Woops--sorry. Changed her name to Tabby recently.
Edited a bit for clarity. Any suggestions for improvement?Dear _____,
I’m currently seeking representation for my YA novel, THE CIRCLE OF THORNS. Given your interest in young adult fiction with magical elements, I thought it might be a good fit for your consideration.
Ever since sixteen-year-old Zach Heron was a toddler, he’s been best friends with Tabby, the girl next door. Now that he's a teenager, feelings between them are growing decidedly warmer. Seems like it should be the start of a perfect high-school romance, but two major problems stand in the way. One, seventeen-year-old Tabby’s been dead for over ninety-eight years. Two, the slightest touch between them sends Zach reeling in pain.
Zara Spectre is a teenage ghost hunter traveling the country in search of a deadly weapon. When a powerful, demented ghost called The Gray Man kidnaps Zach’s family, the three teenagers’ worlds collide. Racing against time, Zach, Zara, and Tabby travel hundreds of miles in pursuit of The Gray Man to save Zach’s family.
But soon it becomes clear that Zara’s true motive for helping isn’t as altruistic as she first made it seem. After gaining the weapon she’s long searched for, and with the help of the dark, maimed ghost of her long-dead brother, Zara hatches a plan to rid the world of all its dearly (and not-so-dearly) departed, ending her brother’s suffering once and for all. A plan that happens to require the participation of deeply-bonded ghosts and humans. Unfortunately for Zach and Tabby, they have no idea what Zara’s setting them up for.
THE CIRCLE OF THORNS is my debut YA novel, complete at 80,000 words. I’m a former high school English teacher, a position that allowed me to spend close to forty hours per week reading, critiquing, and discussing texts with my target audience.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
I think it's better. Still some edit issues, I wish I had a better computer so I could point them out easily. Missing a couple of commas, I feel.Good luck!
Hello. Just toying around with what you already have to see if it might sound better another way.Zach Heron, now sixteen, burns with his newfound feelings for Tabby, the girl next door, and best friend since toddlerhood. Tabby feels the same way about him. But what should be the beginning of a winsome teenage romance finds complications in that Tabby, a ghost, has been dead for nearly a hundred years, and even the slightest touch between the two sends Zach into convulsions.
When a powerful ghost known as the “The Gray Man” finds and kidnaps Zach’s family, in no small part due to his seizure-inducing contact with the ghostly realm, Zach seeks the help of Zara, a teen ghost hunter, who offers to help Zach and Tabby find and free his family. The three work together until Zara finds what she was really after all along—a weapon designed to separate the worlds of men and ghosts and free her dearly departed brother from his imprisonment…
Awe, sorry, I need go, but thought I would try to give some feedback on how it could maybe be worded better, or smoother anyway. Oh, one last thing. Having two main characters with such similar names as Zach and Zara might not be wise.
Hi J.W., Thanks for the input! I like what you've written and will probably change my query around using some of it. I appreciate the help!
hi Iris - I love it! I would definitely be curious to read more. I agree with the above that there are a couple repetitive moments, like the title and genre, you could probably bump the word count up to the top and cut that one sentence while keeping the rest of the paragraph. But you have a great hook, and caught my attention right away! p.s. I changed my main characters names waaaay into the manuscript too lol, so funny because I do the same thing, thinking of them by their old name. A quick note on that, I was thrown by the fact that Zach and Zara are almost exactly the same. It's only my opinion, but my research has shown that this really throws readers, and should be avoided whenever possible, especially if they're two main characters. Just a thought, you can take it or leave it. :) Good luck!
Some nice elements here. I do like the way J.W. restructured. Zach and Zara are definitely too close. I don't know if you've fully addressed Keith's point. If Zach knew Tabby while he was a toddler, did he know her even then as if she were a teenager? The query makes it sound as if they knew each other initially as toddlers and simply grew up together.
Here's a different attempt at it:Being the town weirdo because you have an “imaginary friend” sucks. Having to spend five whole years ridding yourself of that crazy-kid reputation sucks even worse. But at sixteen, Zach’s finally done it. He’s convinced everyone in town he isn’t crazy, after all. He’s learned to keep his conversations with Charlotte--the dead girl only he can see--behind closed doors.
Traveling across the country is Zara, a teenage ghost hunter. She seeks and traps evil spirits to gain an incredible power. When a demented ghost called The Gray Man kidnaps Zach’s family, the three teenagers’ worlds collide. Racing against time, Zach, Zara, and Charlotte travel hundreds of miles in pursuit of the ghost to save Zach’s family.
But soon it becomes clear that Zara’s true motive for helping isn’t as altruistic as she first made it seem. After gaining the power she’s long searched for, and with the help of the maimed ghost of her long-dead brother, Zara hatches a plan to rid the world of all its dearly (and not-so-dearly) departed, ending all their “suffering” once and for all. A plan that happens to require the participation of deeply-bonded ghosts and humans. Unfortunately for Zach and Charlotte, they have no idea what Zara’s setting them up for.
Alex wrote: "Some nice elements here. I do like the way J.W. restructured. Zach and Zara are definitely too close. I don't know if you've fully addressed Keith's point. If Zach knew Tabby while he was a toddler..."Alex--yeah, I think I made Zach and Charlotte's age wayyy more confusing than I needed to. I think I'll just cut that from the query (because it's not confusing in the actual novel). Thanks for the feedback!
Bethany wrote: "hi Iris - I love it! I would definitely be curious to read more. I agree with the above that there are a couple repetitive moments, like the title and genre, you could probably bump the word count ..."Bethany--thanks for the feedback! I'm thinking I'm going to change Zach's name!
Except for thinking ", after all" should be deleted, this one makes a whole lot more sense to me. It is 'too long' though (222 after removing those two words), but I think it can work as-is.A minor thing, "long searched for" as applied to a teenager seems incongruous.
Dear _____,
I’m currently seeking representation for my YA novel, THE CIRCLE OF THORNS. Given your interest in young adult fiction with magical elements, I thought it might be a good fit for your consideration.
Ever since sixteen-year-old Zach Heron was a toddler, he’s been best friends with Tabby, the girl next door. Now that they’re both teenagers, feelings between them are growing decidedly warmer. Seems like it should be the start of a perfect high-school romance, but two major problems stand in the way. One, Tabby’s been dead for over ninety-eight years. Two, the slightest touch between them sends Zach reeling in pain.
Zara Spectre is a teenage ghost hunter traveling the country in search of a deadly weapon, destroying all evil spirits that cross her path. When a powerful, demented ghost called The Gray Man kidnaps Zach’s family, the three teenagers’ worlds collide. Racing against time, Zach, Zara, and Tabby travel hundreds of miles in pursuit of The Gray Man to save Zach’s family.
But soon it becomes clear that Zara’s true motive for helping isn’t as altruistic as she first made it seem. After gaining the weapon she’s long searched for, and with the help of the dark, maimed ghost of her long-dead brother, Zara hatches a plan to rid the world of all its dearly (and not-so-dearly) departed, ending her brother’s suffering once and for all. A plan that happens to require the participation of deeply-bonded ghosts and humans. Unfortunately for Zach and Tabby, they have no idea what Zara’s setting them up for.
THE CIRCLE OF THORNS is my debut YA novel, complete at 80,000 words, and is the first in a planned series. I’m a former high school English teacher, a position that allowed me to spend close to forty hours per week reading, critiquing, and discussing texts with my target audience.
Thank you for your time and consideration,