World, Writing, Wealth discussion
All Things Writing & Publishing
>
Article: "Why Editors Focus on Page One"
date
newest »
newest »
I am not sure about this. The advice in the link is partly good, but I felt it sort of missed the point. The objective, in my opinion, is to quickly engage the reader, so they know whether this is going to be their kind of book, and in fairness, most I read don't. The problem is, how to do this? The example that Jane gives somehow did to engage me - it looked like too much detail. However, having said that, what do I know? I should at least give people the chance to criticise me, so below is one of my starts - it is also the start of a trilogy."On the Cydonian region of Mars there are two faces staring into space. Both are two and a half kilometers long, a kilometer wide and about four hundred meters high, and since both are in exactly the same place, no observer can see more than one of them. Most see a battered butte with craters roughly in the right place such that, with considerable imagination, the image of a badly torn face can perhaps be seen. Some, however, see a refinement of the enhancement produced from the original low resolution Viking photographs, a truly alien monument, a deep message to humanity, a message covered up firstly by the Americans to keep knowledge of alien technology from other countries for military purposes, and secondly by the Federation Government for no good reason at all. As Grigori Timoshenko, Commissioner for Defence, Space and Science remarked, if only any arm of the Federation government was half as efficient as would be needed to pull off this coup, the planet would not be in anywhere near the mess it was in."
I tried to do several things here, but was it too much?
Ian wrote: "I am not sure about this. The advice in the link is partly good, but I felt it sort of missed the point. The objective, in my opinion, is to quickly engage the reader, so they know whether this is ..."As a reader, i dont know what the story is about. Having read the article about editors and page 1, my first thought is you violated Rule 3.
I've just noticed this thread.I think opening pages are actually quite difficult to write well. I know it's an art I'm still perfecting, well, really probably a long way from perfecting, but still a work in progress. I like to think I'm improving.
I do think the advice given is good, even though I actually thought the example provided was rather boring. In fact, I wouldn't have read that book.
As far as your opening paragraph above goes, Ian - I think I'm with Lizzie on this one. It's a pretty big paragraph, and there's a lot of info in it and no characters, so it's a bit dry.
So, in the spirit of participation, here's one of mine! It's the opening of the first book in a fantasy trilogy. I'm currently buried in book two.
"When Kazari woke on the day of choosing, she struggled upwards through a dream filled with flailing rainbows. Almost nauseated, she lay back in her bed, sweating, despite the early morning chill. The colours faded slowly, almost as if a rainbow of stars had taken up residence behind her eyelids and then decided to zoom around inside her head. Her breathing slowed gradually as she cast her mind back through the memories of her dreams, trying to make sense of them.
For the last few weeks, her dreams had been haunted, filled with feelings of fear, loss, and uncertainty. She’d attributed it to the impending day of choosing, which had loomed larger and larger in her mind - not least because of her parents’ disapproval. Recollections of the preceding evening brought soft tears to her eyes."
To catch the attention of the readers as early as the first page is a hard task indeed. I honestly think that those who choose a book based solely on its first page are doing an injustice to the books they examine by being way too discriminating. With this said, here is the first page of a fiction novel I am still writing. It is a work of alternate history and the action takes place early during WW2. Its title is DARKNESS UPON EUROPE. Please tell me if it catches your attention.
CHAPTER 1 – BLITZKRIEG
17:41 (Paris Time)
Tuesday, May 21, 1940
Field near Noyelles
Pas-de-Calais area, Northern France
‘’To all callsigns Bravo One, from Leader, keep your eyes peeled: we have reports of French tanks in the vicinity, out.’’
Hauptmann Michel Druckmann, whose head was sticking out of the commander’s hatch of his Panzerkampfwagen III medium tank, so that he could observe properly the surrounding fields and wood patches, then wearily rubbed his tired eyes with one hand. He felt dog tired, having been able to grab only a few hours of sleep during the last few days, so infernal had been the rhythm of advance imposed on his tank company and other units by their divisional commander, who was himself pushed hard by their corps commander, General Heinz Guderian. The fighting had been both hard and constant, with the French Army putting up a hard, albeit uncoordinated and poorly led fight. Michel, a fit and handsome man in his late twenties with short black hair and steely gray eyes, also felt grubby, not having had a chance to have a bath or shower for over a week now. Hopefully, his unit would be able to get some rest tonight, once darkness had fallen.
A puff of white smoke coming from between two trees in a wooden patch situated some 500 meters to his front and left suddenly caught his attention. Eight more puffs of smoke then erupted at the wood line a mere second later. Michel was keying his radio microphone urgently to give a warning to his men when he heard and felt a high velocity shell miss the turret of his tank by a mere meter or so before exploding in the farmer’s field behind him. He then heard the departure shots of French 75mm guns. Of the nine shells of the first enemy’s salvo, all barely missed their targets, save for one projectile that squarely hit his third tank on the left side of its hull. The 75mm shell easily penetrated the side armor of the Panzer III and ignited part of its stored 50mm rounds.
CHAPTER 1 – BLITZKRIEG
17:41 (Paris Time)
Tuesday, May 21, 1940
Field near Noyelles
Pas-de-Calais area, Northern France
‘’To all callsigns Bravo One, from Leader, keep your eyes peeled: we have reports of French tanks in the vicinity, out.’’
Hauptmann Michel Druckmann, whose head was sticking out of the commander’s hatch of his Panzerkampfwagen III medium tank, so that he could observe properly the surrounding fields and wood patches, then wearily rubbed his tired eyes with one hand. He felt dog tired, having been able to grab only a few hours of sleep during the last few days, so infernal had been the rhythm of advance imposed on his tank company and other units by their divisional commander, who was himself pushed hard by their corps commander, General Heinz Guderian. The fighting had been both hard and constant, with the French Army putting up a hard, albeit uncoordinated and poorly led fight. Michel, a fit and handsome man in his late twenties with short black hair and steely gray eyes, also felt grubby, not having had a chance to have a bath or shower for over a week now. Hopefully, his unit would be able to get some rest tonight, once darkness had fallen.
A puff of white smoke coming from between two trees in a wooden patch situated some 500 meters to his front and left suddenly caught his attention. Eight more puffs of smoke then erupted at the wood line a mere second later. Michel was keying his radio microphone urgently to give a warning to his men when he heard and felt a high velocity shell miss the turret of his tank by a mere meter or so before exploding in the farmer’s field behind him. He then heard the departure shots of French 75mm guns. Of the nine shells of the first enemy’s salvo, all barely missed their targets, save for one projectile that squarely hit his third tank on the left side of its hull. The 75mm shell easily penetrated the side armor of the Panzer III and ignited part of its stored 50mm rounds.
I can see that the first para is a nightmare, and I agree with Michel that it can be unfair to judge. Thus Leonie said my para had no characters. As it happens, Timoshenko is one of the main characters in the book, and in a sense so is the rock! The rock, of course is hinted at in the title, and it sort of "speaks" in that para, and does more later in the short prologue.Michel, I thought the first para could be slightly rearranged - the para starts and ends with a physical description of Michel, but there is a change in the middle, and it struck me as a little disjointed. I also wondered at the name Michel - nothing wrong with it but it is also yours. Finally, just check one thing. If this is the Ardennes thrust, while Guderian was in charge of the overall western thrust, the Corps commander for the Ardennes thrust and advance into France was, if my memory is correct, von Manstein.
Leonie - I thought that was promising, but what follows would be critical. Which supports the general concept that judging by the first page is unfair.
To answer your questions, Ian. Michel may be my first name, but it was also a fairly common first name in Germany, especially in the regions next to the Alsace-Lorraine. Second, this was not part of the Ardennes thrust, but rather later, as the German columns were approaching the French Pas-de-Calais area, only days before the start of the evacuation of Dunkirk.
More info:"Some years ago I was involved in an informal study of the behavior of lunch-hour browsers in mid-Manhattan bookstores... No browser went beyond page three before either taking the book to the cashier or putting the book down and picking up another one...I've read two other books specifically on writing as well as numerous online resources and this one beats the other two and ranks in my must-read writing books. It's very comprehensive, practical, clear, lots of examples of technique, and concise.
Readers have not grown more patient since... Today first sentences and first paragraphs of any writing are increasingly important.."
(Stein On Writing: A Master Editor of Some of the Most Successful Writers of Our Century Shares His Craft Techniques and Strategies, 1995, p15)
Michel wrote: "To answer your questions, Ian. Michel may be my first name, but it was also a fairly common first name in Germany, especially in the regions next to the Alsace-Lorraine. Second, this was not part o..."In which case I guess Michel will get his rest soon 😀 The more I think about it, the more I think judging by the first para is just plain silly. As you can see, I miss-guessed where this was, but I assume that in the next para or so, we would get this sorted. As with Leonie's example, it is what comes next that is important.
As an answer to your initial question, Michel, I can see this could well lead to a very interesting story. Keep at it.
Leonie wrote: "I do think the advice given is good, even though I actually thought the example provided was rather boring. In fact, I wouldn't have read that book."ha ha, I thought so too.
It's tricky isn't it? I do think that what comes after is also important, but again, it's tricky. It is unfair that judging by the first paragraph or two happens, but at the same time it's sort of understandable.An editor or reader does get a quick feel for the writing style, and some hints about the characters. The assumptions are then made - subjectively of course.
Ian - I did notice that you mentioned someone called Timoshenko - but didn't realise he was a main character.😬
This is the first 750 words of my story, if anyone feels like reading that much, which is about the three page limit.
"When Kazari woke on the day of choosing, she struggled upwards through a dream filled with flailing rainbows. Almost nauseated, she lay back in her bed, sweating, despite the early morning chill. The colours faded slowly, almost as if a rainbow of stars had taken up residence behind her eyelids and then decided to zoom around inside her head. Her breathing slowed gradually as she cast her mind back through the memories of her dreams, trying to make sense of them.
For the last few weeks, her dreams had been haunted, filled with feelings of fear, loss, and uncertainty. She’d attributed it to the impending day of choosing, which had loomed larger and larger in her mind - not least because of her parents’ disapproval. Recollections of the preceding evening brought soft tears to her eyes.
“It’s my choice!” she’d shouted. “Mine alone!” She’d almost thrown the finely detailed leather belt she’d been finishing across the room, but had then thought better of it, placing it carefully on the workbench, using the physical act to give herself time to rein in her anger.
“But Kazari,” had begun her mother. “It’s not the choice we want for you.”
“But it’s my choice, Mum, mine, and The Lady’s.” And then her voice had wobbled slightly, annoying her with its weakness, and even now embarrassing her that she hadn’t been able to be cool and calm. She knew she was doing the right thing, no matter what her parents wanted. “It doesn’t matter what you want, not this time!” She’d retorted.
“Kazari! Don’t speak to your mother like that!” Had thundered her father. “You’re too young to leave everything here.”
Kazari had drawn a deep breath, trying to calm herself enough to speak rationally, but her hands had been shaking and she’d never seen her parents so angry. “I’m of age. Everyone has the right to commit themselves to The Lady’s service once they turn fifteen.”
“That is what the law says,” had conceded her mother, “however we think you’re too young to know what you really want. It’s a phase that many youngsters go through at this time of their lives. If you’re really set on it, you can defer your choice until another year - most young people who do so, thank their parents after they’ve had time to think about it all properly.”
“But I’m not ‘most,’” Kazari had replied, “And this shouldn’t come as a surprise to you. It’s something I’ve been led to all of my life.”
Her father had shaken his head. “It’s something that you’ve thought you’ve been led towards, but really, it’s just childish fancies. Nothing more, nothing less. You’re good at what you do here. You have the family talent for leatherwork.”
“No it isn’t!” Kazari had shouted back at him. “It’s not childish fancies, and it never has been - and I don’t want to work leather for the rest of my life. I want to serve The Lady.”
Her mother’s face had turned dead white as she compressed her lips into a straight line. “You want to shut yourself up in the Abbey forever? For the rest of your life? Away from your family and your friends?” The words came out clipped and icy, but the white hot rage within Kazari had seethed in response.
“The Writings say: She who is called is certain, and I will not forsake her, should she bend her will to Mine.” As she’d quoted the words from ‘The Book of Service,’ her anger had calmed slightly. It hadn’t vanished, but sat there just below boiling point, still fuelling her, but now under control. “And they also say: When you hear the call, choose to bend and not break. Submit your will to Mine, and walk My path all the days of your life.”
“I notice you didn’t finish your quote,” had replied those same icy tones. Her mother’s blue eyes had matched the coldness perfusing her voice. “It goes on: And though My path may lead you into darkness, and your very life become forfeit, I will walk beside you always. Those who lose their lives in My service will walk with me all the days of eternity. Some of those who pledge to The Lady die, Kazari - they die, or fall into darkness!” And then Kazari had heard the undertones in her mother’s voice - undertones of fear and worry, that sat at the root of her mother’s wish to deny her her chosen path. Her anger had bubbled again, though."
Leonie, as for setting the scene, I think you have done that rather well. By the time I got to the end of that quote, I think I have a very good idea of what the story is going to be about. It also hints at the sort of problems your character is going to have, and as you say, by the end of it, you should have some feel for whether this is your type of story.My sample was from a prologue. I was hoping it hinted at conspiracy theories, and it was the lead-up to something that you would normally say was impossible at the end of the prologue - which is not very long.
Prologues are a whole other thing, I think - and I've read some interesting discussions on prologueing vs not prologueing. By their very nature they're treated differently, and written differently sometimes too.
I wonder if Alex has anything ther nice little article on prologueing tucked up his sleeve?
hmm... not yet. I'll see what Stein has to say. I'm starting on Chapter 7, "The Actors Studio Method for Developing Drama in Plots," tonight. If a prologue is an info dump in the form of narrative summary, then he would absolutely say no. He has a chapter on flashbacks too, about which he states, "It is also true that flashbacks are used too often, and frequently remove the reader from the experience he is having. Nevertheless, you sometimes need to use flashbacks... Ideally, all fiction should seem to be happening now. That sentence is worth pasting on your makeup or shaving mirror or on your computer where you will see it every day." (emphasis Stein's, p.143)
The reason I used a prologue was that it describes a really strange event that nobody could explain, and so was dismissed as "not important", except that conspiracy theorists insisted the government was hiding something (hence my first para. The main story starts about 25 years later, so I decided to put this in a prologue rather than Chapter 1, when all the other chapters were so much later. I broke Stein's other advice in that in my prologue, everything was happening then, not "now". I don't have any regrets about that because I don't see any other way of doing it, but then maybe it is me that is flawed here. On the other hand, my view is there are no rules writing that cannot be broken if you know what you are doing and why.
I agree with you, Ian, about rules of writing having to be flexible. Absolute rules are a killer on imagination.
Michel wrote: "I agree with you, Ian, about rules of writing having to be flexible. Absolute rules are a killer on imagination."Yes, I consider them to be more useful guidelines than anything else. It reminds me of musical harmony -if you do something called parallel fifths (don't worry if you don't know what they are) the average university lecturer will give you severely low marks, yet I play (somewhat flawed performances) a Haydn sonata where they just plonk down in sequence. The biggest no-no according to lecturers broken, and obviously broken. The difference, of course, is that Haydn knew what he was doing and the average student does not.
Michel wrote: "I agree with you, Ian, about rules of writing having to be flexible. Absolute rules are a killer on imagination."That is true, Michel. I think the key is to always write well - which of course isn't as simple as it sounds. I toyed with a prologue for my Frontier Series, wrote about four of them, and then discarded them all in favour of a ceremony.
https://janefriedman.com/why-editors-...
Who is the author of the article? "Translated into nine languages, Darcy has written about writing for many industry periodicals, including Writer’s Digest and the Children’s Writers and Illustrator’s Market."
Thoughts?