August 2017: A talk about depression and suicide

[Tiana]

This was originally posted on my blog The Book Raven (https://thebookravenblog.wordpress.co...), but to get discussion going on our first mental health issue (As featured in the book My Heart and Other Black Holes) I will post what I wrote here.


*trigger warning for suicide and depression*

Our first book of the month: My Heart and Other Black Holes, is centered around probably one of the most hard-hitting topics in mental health: suicide. This topic is an ugly one, but also a very important one to discuss.



Here is a deeply personal story of my connection to this topic.

Deep breaths….

I had an Uncle in my family.. let’s call him Uncle J. This uncle, he had problems with alcohol, probably was part of his depression, but he never discussed that with anyone as far as I know. The most important part of his character for me however, was that he was always a great father for his kids. I never once saw him happier then when they were in his life, but then again a lot of things in his life hit him a bit too hard.

In the end he committed suicide. I don’t know why. I was never close enough to him to know. I don’t think even his daughters could have ever known why. But what broke my heart was his daughters reactions. They spiraled into deep depression for a while. Just looking at their faces for a moment and you could see a brokenness. It was a long long time before I ever saw them look normal again. I… I don’t truly have words for what that must have been like for them.

When something like that happens, that’s when you truly see that even though you may be one whole person, but their are more people then you could ever know in your corner and rooting for you. Suicide is nothing to romanticize. Even I have nightmares of the way things went down. So many complications, so many strings, so many awful emotions.

So when it comes to depression, if your someone who believes in giving that person time to think through everything and leaving them alone in their grief, please don’t. Even if it’s just staying in a room with someone while they are sobbing, or staying with someone when they have expressed darker thoughts, don’t leave them alone. Be the person that saves that kid of the bridge who makes a final decision in that single moment. And if ever someone comes to you asking to talk or for help of any kind don’t leave them alone, be there, sometimes something you think may be insignificant can be monumental for someone else in a darker state.

https://youtu.be/cycUHgg0zzUMy Heart and Other Black Holes

Also if you are in a darker state please call the number that is the title of the song linked above: 1-800-273-8255

Thanks for reading. I know that this got to pleading real quick, but for me all the things said here needed to be said. I have been at a point in my life where everything came crashing down and those thoughts those self-loathing encrusted thoughts flooded in. Without support from my family, without a God mom who made sure she never left me alone when I wanted to be alone in the bathroom sobbing my eyes out I don’t know where I would be.

[Tiana]

Originally posted here: https://thebookravenblog.wordpress.co...


In my Heart and Other Black Holes Aysel (pronounced Uh-Zell) and Roman (a.k.a FrozenRobot) have depression and suicidal thoughts. The one thing that I felt I really need to share after reading their story is a post about how many reasons there are to live, because sometimes life switches things up and our mental state is iffy at best so sometimes it’s great to remember the reasons why we keep trudging along. There is always something to be hopeful about.

My Reasons for Living

Family:
My family is a huge reason why I can get through the toughest parts of my life. Without the people who took me in and raised me as their own, the people who choose to love me and be my family, I don’t know where I would be. To have a mom and who pushes me everyday to do more and to be a better person lifts my heart to the sky. To have a sister who pushes me to do more in general (really to function better as a human being) who I can look up to constantly gives me hope for who I will become. To have a dad who will always see me as the little girl I once was, but who will also love me unconditionally no matter what I do or say or become in the future fills my heart with joy. These three people would do anything for me. That’s more then I could ever hope to deserve.

The puppy of the family:

The fourth member of the family, Gypsy is a pup that always gives me joy. Gypsy has such a unique personality and at the end of the day when we all come home she is always there running around wagging her little tail jumping up to greet us (well my sister mostly, she’s a momma’s girl). She always makes me laugh, especially when she growls in annoyance at my mom talking back because my mom loves to chastise her/tell her to get off the couch (Gypsy never gets off the couch). Gosh do I love this pup with all my heart.

Books:

So long as there are books I don’t think I could fully contemplate leaving this earth. There are thousands upon millions of amazing stories filling up this earth and I want to read as many of them as I can. Books have got me through so many good and bad moments in my life and they always make me happy (unless they break my heart… MHAOBH’s broke my heart). Books are definitely a reason I want to be alive for a very long time.

Art:

I love art. I love looking at art. I love watching people make art. I love to try and create, but also fail at making art. The way people’s hands can work to create something beautiful solely from their own minds fascinates and awes me. There is so much art I want to see.

Writing/Poetry:

There are so many things I have to say before I leave this earth, and I fear that I will never be able to say all I want to before I die (18 years old and this is what I worry about, so much for thinking that the young don’t think about death). There is always something more that comes to mind and I never want to stop writing.

Miracles:

There are times where I look at some random people that cross paths with me in my life and I think of it as a miracle. I think of someone who said just the right thing to me at the moment. Or someone who was there to help someone else. Human kindness for the right people at the right time is always a miracle to me, because the person’s surprise for another’s kindness is what makes it a rarity that shouldn’t be so rare.

Random places:

I have so many places I want to see before I die. So many things I wish to experience. It’s not even the larger places I want to see. It’s little places, Caffe’s, little shops, unique parks, aquariums, museums, and places I would never have thought to go. I want to experience things go on random rides, learn sword fighting at a little gym place I didn’t realize was nearby. Horseback ride at a little beach somewhere. I just want to fully experience what the world has to offer.

There are so many reasons to keep on living. So many little moments of happiness that make it all worth it. We have so much potential energy inside us… we just have to find it in ourselves to transform it into something kinetic.

Thank you all for reading! Share with me some of your reasons for living. I would love to hear them.

[Karen]

Hello my name is Karen, I would like to ask if anyone is willing to review my book ? Beaten but unbowed ? It has a lot in it about mental illness.
Thank you.

[Debbie]

Thank you Tiana for sharing your personal story and how you feel buy this topic. I can't imagine what it would be like for your family and his children. But the thing that also scares me is that people can commit suicide.

And with that I would also like to share my story with depression. You don't have to read it, if you don't want to, but I would love to get it of my chest.

*Trigger warning: depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts*

I have always been someone who is a perfectionist, I want to show people that I am worth their attention and that I won't disappoint them. And that kind of relates to something big that happened when I was still a kid.

When I was 9 years old, my parents got divorced. My father moved 2 hours away from us and we only got to see in once in every 2 weeks. This went well for less than a year. I still remember this so clearly even though it was more than 12 years again. The weekend I would spend over there to celebrate my birthday with my father, he called and said I couldn't come. And that was the last time I saw him. During that time my parents were still going to court because they had to get stuff done for the divorce, and right there in front of the judge, my father declared that he didn't wanted to see me or my siblings anymore. I was ten.
Two year later, it got too much for me and I sought contact with him through a letter. To give him an update on how my life has been, no reply.
When I was 14/15 years I went to therapy to not let the whole situation get to me, than it would prevent me front living on. At the end of the therapy I worked up the courage to send a letter again, with an update on my life. This time I did get a reply, but I wish I had never got one. In the letter my father didn't have a good word for me and he also told me that my grandmother (his mother) passed away, and she didn't want to see us before she would die.
This would probably be the first time I have experience feeling which would come near a depression, only I felt things were going wrong and started therapy again.

This whole situation made me think bad about myself which I still do as of today: I am not worth it, even my father doesn't love me.
Which only makes me want to prove myself more, to others but mostly to myself, that I am worth it.

And last April it all became too much, I was putting too much pressure on myself and I started to feel worse and worse. Then one setback(?) after another came and I broke down.

The same week I went to my general practitioner and I got medication and therapy prescribed. I was also having suicidal thoughts, even though I still wanted to live, I started wondering what the world would be like without me and how I could do it. It scared me so much! And next to that crying wasn't helping so I started scratching myself very hard in order to feel something different than the intense sadness I was constantly feeling and it worked.

Right now I have started therapy and I am doing much better. I can still have days that I feel very sad and sometimes I still do scratch myself, but not as bad as before. And I am not thinking about dying anymore.

If you read all of that, thank you so much for reading and "listening" to me. This has always been a hard topic to talk about, normally I avoid talking about, but things won't get better with avoiding.

If you are in a darker part of your life and you are thinking about suicide. Please talk to someone, your parents, your general practitioner, or call the number in Tiana's post.

[Tiana]

Debbie wrote: "Thank you Tiana for sharing your personal story and how you feel buy this topic. I can't imagine what it would be like for your family and his children. But the thing that also scares me is that pe..."

Debbie, I really want to say how grateful I am to you for sharing your story. Sometimes the best thing you can do is let go of all that stress of remembering by sharing your story and letting those who care about you know that this is a part of me, and this is how I got to where I am now.

I hope that you continue to heal and to form a new strength from what has happened to you in the past. Know that you are worth it. That there are people in your life that love you and who will always do their best to lift you up. Know that whatever you are feeling is valid and that there is always hope no matter what. You are an amazing human being Debbie and I hope you will always remember that.