Noah Can't Even, by Simon James Green

[Ulysses]

Noah Can’t Even
By Simon James Green
Scholastic, 2017
Five stars

Noah Grimes is brilliant. And frustrating, to the point of my wanting to shake him. He overthinks everything. (“Spontaneity is a friend to no one.”) And, for all his obvious intelligence, he makes the worst possible decisions. But Noah is also an innocent on the level of Voltaire’s Candide (without, however, being an optimist – Noah is painfully cynical because of the crap hand he feels he’s been dealt). Nearly sixteen, he wants nothing more than to be a normal teenager. He wants a social life. He wants to be invited to parties. He thinks he wants a girlfriend. Maybe.

Oh, lord, I remember that. It makes me cringe, how clearly I remember that.

Noah’s mother is a mess. As far as he sees it, she is neglectful and indifferent. There is a good deal of evidence to support his opinion, but the author also puts in the book several moments that suggest otherwise. Clearly, Noah’s mother, Lisa, makes many bad choices, not the least of which is her Beyoncé tribute act under the nom de theatre of Ruby Devine. But Noah also has Harry, his best friend and fellow geek since forever. And then there’s his grandmother, Millie, who taught him genteel ways and worldly wisdom. Sadly, gran is in a care home (and not a nice one), as dementia steals her away from him bit by bit.

If you look at it, this story has a tragic foundation. It is through the genius of Simon James Green’s writing that Noah’s story is not only hilarious, but also uplifting. Unlike Candide, who constantly evokes “the best of all possible worlds” (which was Voltaire being snarky, because he was a total cynic, too), Noah sees his world as the worst possible world, from which he yearns to escape. He lives in a nothing town with an absent father and a negligent mother. He is bullied and ignored, and shelters his soul within elaborate game-playing scenarios with Harry.

When a totally cool, smart and popular girl named Sophie takes Noah and Harry to a party at a well-off girl’s house, Noah sees this as his ticket to normality.

“It was all happening. They were being illegal teenagers.”

Then, illuminated with alcohol, Noah’s world goes entirely off the rails, triggering a madcap series of events that go from bad to worse, as all of his dreams of normality come tumbling down around him.

“Was this what being a ‘normal’ teenager was meant to be like? Empty. Frightened. Alone.”

It would be heartbreaking, except for the author’s cleverness, which somehow keeps the comedy one step ahead of the tragedy, using Noah’s inherent innocence and misguided wisdom as fuel. Noah is so desperate for some idealized version of his life that he rejects the obvious solution right in front of him. It is a long and harrowing journey (during which you keep laughing out loud, even as tears threaten) that leads him back into the light.

I also make note of the publisher: Scholastic, who brought us the Harry Potter books. How did Simon Green wangle THAT deal? What makes a gay-themed Young Adult book palatable for a mainstream press, when J.K. Rowling couldn’t bring herself to put a gay character into any of her seven long volumes? This is a story about a boy coming out, and a teenager’s awkward obsession with sex (and trying to avoid discussing it) is a central thread in the plot. But somehow Green has produced something that slipped past the ingrained homophobia of our popular culture censors. I’m very grateful because, for all its intended silliness, there is a profoundly moving story of endurance and self-acceptance in “Noah Can’t Even” that will surely save the lives of a few teenagers going forward.