Need feedback on my blurb

[Del]

I'm preparing to release my next book, but writing blurbs is not my strong point. This is what I have so far. I would appreciate some honest feedback.

"When Jack is sent to Beacon, a school famous for reforming troubled teens, the last thing he expected was to fall in love. However, when he meets Moni, a local waitress, that all changes. But as he pursues her he soon becomes aware of another presence set on keeping them apart leaving him to wonder if love really can conquer all."

Also toying with this ending:
"In this dramatic story Jack pursues his new love but soon becomes aware of another force bent on keeping them apart that will leave you wondering if love really can conquer all."

[Carole]

I like the first one better

[Isaac]

Same. The second one feels a little campy.

[Anna]

Agree.

[Erica]

I like the first one better as well. It is really good and I am no blurb expert either so please take this with a grain of salt, but maybe there is a way to make it seem a little less generic. Like I said though, it is VERY good the way it is. I will think about it and get back to you. :)

[Erica]

Still thinking, but the more I read it, the more I like what you already have. If the relationship is two sided, maybe use a statement describing the depth of their love instead of "as her pursues her"? That is being very nit picky though. Great blurb!

[Aislinn]

For me it's a little short. I'd like more detail about the actual plot. So far what you've mentioned sounds like maybe only the first chapter or two, and I'd like to know a little of what happens beyond that. And maybe more of a hint as to how old the main character is. 'Troubled teen' could mean anywhere from 13 to 18 years old. And the waitress he falls for - is she an older woman? Or is she a fellow teen that goes to a different school nearby?

I'm guessing the presence is supernatural, but is this meant to be a fun supernatural adventure, or like a YA horror novel, or...a lot of possible options not clear from the blurb.

I don't necessarily think it needs a lot more, but a bit more would give me more clarity and help me know whether the book is for me. I hope that helps!

[Marie Silk]

Agree with Aislinn that it would benefit with details on characters' ages and a little more setting.

Something doesn't sound quite right to me about "that all changes". Maybe "everything changes" would flow a bit better?

[Del]

Thanks, I really appreciate it!