Query HALP (YA sci-fi Illuminae meets Winner's Curse)

[Gemma]

Hello!

I've re-written this query letter about 20 times and at this point I think I've done all I can. Any feedback would be really, really welcome.

Violet and Cassian should not be allies.

Cassian was sent to Pluto to investigate the murder of the dwarf planet’s governor. If he solves the case, he’ll be made a Legate like his father. Legates are hero’s in Cassian’s eyes — galactic knights who rid the words of dangerous criminals. Getting this position has been his sole ambition since he was a kid. All he has to do is find the murderer.

Violet is the murderer.

Violet is Valkyrie - a type of bioengineered soldier. Legally she’s not allowed to hold a non-combat job or even live outside a Valkyrie commune, but she’s managed to pass as human and carve out a new life for herself. Once considered crucial weapons, Valkyrie are now feared and reviled by the general population, and Violet’s sick of it. So when Violet discovered that the Plutonian governor had gone a step past fear and hate and started actively rounding up and exterminating Valkyrie, she put a bullet in his chest. But the governor had powerful allies who plan to pick up where he left off.

If Violet goes back to the normal life she’s worked so hard for, more Valkyrie will die. If she goes after the governor’s allies, she’ll risk being found out as Valkyrie herself.

Cassian knows something is off with this whole case, but his superiors just want a quick solve and if he digs deeper into the governor’s crimes, he might never become a Legate. If he lets it go, he’ll be betraying the values he’s claimed to believe in so strongly.

The investigation throws Cassian and Violet together. Violet is too cruel. Cassian is too naive. Together they might just save some lives.

[D]

Oooh, it's intriguing!

But some points:

-Valkyrie are valuable commodities, but society treats them as sub-human. (are they commodities? Or people? Maybe a different words, like valuable assets or something...)

- certain Valkyrie were more dangerous than helpful he crammed them in a room and had them all slaughtered like cattle (did I mention the governor sucked?).
When I first read this, I thought all Valkyrie had been slaughtered. I re-read and saw "certain". It's not clear. Maybe if you specified more the group that was killed. I like the parenthesis aside, but only if it reflects the narrator voice and if the book is slightly humorous.

- But the governor is barely cold when she discovers the governor’s killing spree was part of a larger plan to exterminate all Valkyrie.

I didn't understand "barely cold".

- Write something to introduce Cassian. Meanwhile... I don't know, it suprised me.

- He discovers that the upstanding Plutonian governor was really a mass murderer, but his partner tells him to ignore it since the victims were only Valkyrie.
We already know this information, so don't repeat it. Maybe write something like He discovers the truth, or he discovers… I don't know.

Lovely idea! I like this very much. Good luck!

Can you give me some feedback on my blurb? https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...

[Gemma]

Thanks! The feedback is a big help!

[Violet]

This sounds like a really cool story! I'd definitely read it and I'm a very picky reader. Does it have a title?

I think the query can be "tightened" up a bit, there is a bit too much explanation of things. Also, are Valkyrie only female - as they are in mythology? If so, it would be good to include that she is (was) part of an all female bioengineered solider squad. It's a cool and unique detail.

I like the line "Violet is the murderer." but I think it should be placed after we are introduced to her, and I think after "Violet and Cassian should not be allies.", we should be told about the murder - then introduced to Cassian, then Violet, then told she is the murderer. Then wrap it up with them and their struggles in working together and a line that hooks us to read the pages!

Also, how is Violet assigned to the case if she is a renegade Valkyrie? Or how do they end up working together if she is in hiding (and the murderer). I think the last thing she would do is help the detective guy - though that may be a story issue and not a query one.

Good Luck!!

[Gemma]

Violet wrote: "This sounds like a really cool story! I'd definitely read it and I'm a very picky reader. Does it have a title?

I think the query can be "tightened" up a bit, there is a bit too much explanation o..."

thanks for the help! I can't believe i left out the title of the book haha. That would have been a biiiiig mistake. It's called Across the Worlds, btw.