Help me choose between 2 Queries (YA Sci Fi)

[Ddcash80]

Hi, I have two Query Letters which I am trying to choose from to submit to agents. One focuses on the "World" plot, and the other focuses more on the Character plot (and doesn't go into too much detail about the world).

I would appreciate if you pick the one you like best and then offer any comments on that one. Thank you

EDIT: SINCE #1 WAS WINNING, I HAVE UPDATED QUERY#2 TO SOMETHING WHICH MAY BE A BIT BETTER THAN BEFORE
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Query #1: (World Plot)

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Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter has amazing psychic powers -- he can send a thought across the room or make an object fly a hundred yards. That doesn’t make him special though, since everyone else received the same gift when the aliens arrived.

The Zorin have shared the earth for over a decade, only distinguished by their fiery yellow eyes. One night, when Dax is woken by screams to find his mother’s limp body floating the air, it’s not a Zorin controlling the invisible force -- it's a human turned Hollow. Born from dark science, the monsters trade their sanity for even greater power, becoming remnants of their former selves.

After the Hollow escapes, leaving his mom in the hospital, Dax vows to do his part as the planet unites against a common enemy. Though he was only dealt a small portion of the Zorin’s gift, Dax trains to master his power as he fights back. But when he visits his mom at the hospital, Dax stumbles upon something even more sinister. Hollow victims are usually brutally beaten, but new patients are filling the beds, without a scratch and in deathly comas.

As Dax digs deeper, he discovers that the Zorin aren’t as innocent as they seem. They use the Hollow epidemic to shroud a devious plan, treating mankind as their pawns. Dax has to unravel the conspiracy and turn his mind into a powerful weapon before the chaos erupts into a world war, between aliens, monsters, and humans.

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Query #2: (Character Plot)

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In the year 2035, all of mankind enjoys the perks of psychic power -- mental conversations and flying delivery service from the fridge to the couch. But with only a small portion of the gift, 15-year-old Dax Carter relies on sheer determination to fight off the Hollow creature that invades his home.

Lucky to have his best friend Seven by his side, the two boys force the Hollow out of the window as it escapes into the forest. From human, to test subject, to monster, Hollows give up their sanity for greater power, becoming remnants of their former selves.

One night, as the boys drive home from a camping trip with Seven's family, a powerful Hollow with a black aura attacks, ripping their car apart. This time, Seven needs help but Dax is frozen with fear as Seven's parents are killed. When Dax wakes up from his injuries, Seven has gone missing.

Driven by guilt, Dax relentlessly searches for his friend, but a pale Seven with blackened Hollow eyes finds Dax instead. With a demented thirst for vengeance, Seven attacks Dax’s mom, putting her in a deathly coma. But Dax tells no one who the real culprit is, keeping the burden on himself.

To stand a chance against the monster that carries his best friend’s face, Dax joins a special academy to train his power while Seven joins the gang of dark savages, terrorizing their town. When the two finally collide, Dax must choose between his own vengeance and the lingering hope to save his lost friend.



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[Anastasia]

I like the first one better. It gives what every query should: introduce character, talk about inciting incident, touch on the character's goal, mention how that propels the plot further. The first query does all of this, while giving s clear, concise explanation of what Hollows are and how they are created. I know by the end of the second sentence what genre your novel falls under, which is important for agents.

Your second "query" reads more like a summary taken from a plot outline. It's boring, and vaguer than the first query. So again, I'd say the first one is better. (Though I haven't actually queried myself yet, so it'd be good to get some more opinions besides mine before making a final decision. :) )

[Ddcash80]

Thank you for the response. I wanted honest opinions and you gave one!

[D]

I liked the first one better as well, and I thought it was character driven. It was clearer and made me more interested.

I just thought this sentence wasn't as clear and tight as the rest: Hollow victims are usually brutally beaten, but new patients are filling the beds, without a scratch and in deathly comas.

Also, I'm thinking I'm not sure what it means to "send a thought across the room". Can he control other people's minds? Or communicate using telepathy? I'm not sure it needs to be explained though, if the novel explains it.

You have a character named Seven. It's a cool name. Just a curiosity, are you a Seinfeld fan?

Amazing queries. But yes, I think the first one is stronger.

Can you look at my blurb: https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...

[Ddcash80]

I did watch Seinfeld and love the show! But for other reasons I liked the name Seven and it was something I tried to name my child but my wife wouldn't agree!