Query Feedback for YA Fantasy Fiction

[Raquel]

Hi, Savannah.

Your query is way too long. You're dumping in too many unnecessary information. It isn't clear who's your character and what she wants, neither her stakes.
I think it might look better this way. Though it still needs some editing.

Dear Ms. xxxx,

I am seeking representation for 89,000-word YA fantasy fiction book IRIS BLACK AND THE SEVEN SISTERS. This is the first book in an adventure series, with strong themes of friendship, whimsy, and the greatest adventure of all, self-discovery.

Our fate is like a well full of magic, waiting somewhere to be found, and then drunk until it’s dry. At least that’s what someone tells 14 year-old freshman, Iris Black, when she learns that there’s more to her story than algebra tests and cross-country practice. Iris is cast into the world of her ancestors where myth becomes reality, and the particular myth she faces is a mysterious one indeed, the legend of the mortali gemini, or mortal twins.
Someone, somewhere who was born connected to your very soul across time and space. Someone who, once discovered, could change your fate for better or worse. Knowing this, would you risk seeking them out?

In Iris’s case, she doesn’t really have a choice. She is the only one who can go in search of the mortal twins cosmically connected to her aunts who are dying without the one thing they need, and their mortal twins have.

This first book follows Iris and her best friend, Emmy, through a whirlwind introduction to the world of Iris’s bloodline. She and Emmy are taught everything they need to know about the time and place to which they are to travel to find the first mortal twin. The one thing Iris wasn’t supposed to learn is that she may already be doomed to fail because of a terrible secret she was never meant to know. A secret that involves a person she has loved and lost, or so she thinks.

I recently completed a doctorate in psychology. My publishing experience includes scholarly articles for academic journals and poetry through university/medical publications. Please see below the first 3 chapters of my story.

[Violet]

Yes, it is far too long, but that is because you don't need the first, third or second to last paragraph.

Start with a Dear Ms. Agent, and jump right in - no need to say your seeking rep because, obviously, and no need to describe the novel, just start the query.

"Our fate is like a well full of magic, waiting somewhere to be found, and then drunk until it’s dry. At least that’s what someone tells 14 year-old freshman, Iris Black" Good. I like this. It will catch someone's interest. Make sure it is the first thing they read after "Dear Their Name."

The "Even you, (Agent's name)" paragraph? Get rid of it. Don't address the agent in the middle of your query, don't try to bring them into it. Just stick to intriguing them with your story.

Don't say "This first book follows" either - just worry about only this one and don't pitch a series. If the agent is interested then you can reveal it's part of a series. And don't make this first book sound like a really long prologue to the good stuff by calling it an "introduction to the world of Iris's bloodline." This better be the good stuff.

After you've given the agent a taste of your novel, THEN you can close with "IRIS BLACK AND THE SEVEN SISTERS" is a 89k word YA Fantasy about friendship, whimsy and self discovery. Add a bit about yourself, but PLEASE don't say what you've done is "boring" - just say you've published some scholarly articles in such and such and poetry at university, then say this is your first novel. Keep it crisp, concise and professional. Always professional.

Good luck!