Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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YA High Fantasy Query help!
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Celticdreams05 wrote: "Hello all! I have finished the final wave of beta readers and am looking to query agents. I have spoken with a few individuals who work for agencies regarding query letters but I am getting mixed a..."hey there,
i think, personally, that this query is pretty good. but if you think you need something there, again personally, i'd lessen the info of the introduction, unless the comparison and the genres are something that particular agent have mentioned. otherwise, try :
dear agent
i would love you to consider my book - title -) is a -----(genre) for (target audience) completed at (word count) in the 1st/3rd person narrative
agents like it simple, so keep it simple. if the comparison isn't something the agent haven't asked for - and alot do - keep it out.
but that's my personal opinion.
I'd start with Sybel the pampered princess and move the other clart down to the bottom. You can probably lose 'fearing for her life' because you go on to say her home is now a death sentence.Where does this kidnapper Aaron come from? He's introduced out of nowhere. Otherwise it's pretty decent.
Thank you so much Jina and Roughseainthemed! I really appreciate the feedback and advice! The query is giving me more of a headache than all my months and months of drafts and edits! It really helps to get the suggestions and advice of others, esp when there seems to be such diverse ways on how to write queries depending on which agent or publishing house you are looking at.
Read queryshark.blogspot.com (the entire blog). It's a lot to read through, but you won't regret it.
Your stakes aren't there yet. At 18, Sybel may look like the pampered princess of the land forever kissed by the Sun, but she harbors magic behind her painted smile—something her father, a paranoid man who spends his reign destroying magic, would have her head for. Fearing for her life, Sybel scrambles to suppress her magical abilities, but this is not an easy task when a simple sneeze sets the person next to her aflame. So it’s no surprise that a heated argument detonates Sybel’s magic, revealing her damning secret. Her home now a death sentence, Sybel joins forces with her former kidnapper, Aaron, in an attempt to keep her people safe.
This is strong, and this should probably be the entire focus of the query. Generally you focus on the conflict in the first fifty pages -- so the stuff below in the second paragraph is more summary than query. Its a really subtle difference. What you have above is solid though -- you just need slow down a touch. Move the "So its no surprise" part into its own paragraph, and write an entire paragraph about that -- because that's the stakes you need to focus on in your book. Sybel's magic is revealed, and suddenly she has to run from her family to survive -- she can either stay at home and basically face death, or she can put her trust in this boy who kidnapped her and take a chance living in a world she's never known (or something like that).
Stakes generally come as a choice--something that makes your character ACTIVE in the query. your MC must decide between these two things.
How you have it now is passive. All you're doing is saying that the conflict is that her magic could or couldn't save her kingdom. Great. So what? That doesn't have anything to do (directly) with Sybel -- make sense?
Your stakes have to relate directly to something Sybel must or must not do -- and the consequences of both choices.
(Also, small note, say "Eighteen-year-old Sybel may look", and your hook would be stronger if you dove a little more into what a pampered princess of the land forever kiss by the sun looks like - showed it more than told it.)
I think it's well written. Kelsey makes a good point about the telly description of Sybel. I think your stakes are there and strong..... but I miss why her magic may keep her Kingdom alive....that opened up something huge...which may be the real stakes. Is this kidnapper her mentor? Is she in exile and being hunted and discovers a plot to overthrow her father...and it's her super powers that save them....a Daniel in the well? If that is not what it is and made clear in the first chapter, then an agent might toss it. Don't introduce or open a line of thought open ended....those distract from the stakes. One set of stakes...her life being in jeopardy or the Kingdom is at risk? The book naturally can have complicated and interwoven stakes...I don't think the query should.Hope this helps.
Dear ___________:
Upon reading your website and your wish list, I noticed you are not only looking for epic fantasies about revolutions, resistance, and change, but stories with fun, fearless female voices and quirky, offbeat protagonists. I believe my YA high fantasy will interest you. SUNKISSED is complete at 137,000 words, and will appeal to readers of Danielle Jensen’s THE MALEDICTION trilogy and Kristin Cashore’s GRACELING REALM series. SUNKISSED is a stand alone novel with series potential.
At 18, Sybel may look like the pampered princess of the land forever kissed by the Sun, but she harbors magic behind her painted smile—something her father, a paranoid man who spends his reign destroying magic, would have her head for. Fearing for her life, Sybel scrambles to suppress her magical abilities, but this is not an easy task when a simple sneeze sets the person next to her aflame. So it’s no surprise that a heated argument detonates Sybel’s magic, revealing her damning secret. Her home now a death sentence, Sybel joins forces with her former kidnapper, Aaron, in an attempt to keep her people safe.
Lost within politics and a world she doesn’t understand, Sybel struggles with not only who to trust, but with her magic, which grows more out of control every day. It is this magic, and her unlikely companion, that could keep her and her kingdom alive.
My manuscript is available, in full or in part, upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.