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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > Intro + Blurb to Psychological Thriller/Fantasy (thoughts?))

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message 1: by RoseBurn (new)

RoseBurn | 6 comments I'm About to publish my first novel (Asoot: The 5D Dreamer) and I want to hear your thoughts and reactions to these two pieces meant to help the reader decide if this book is for them. Would you buy it? Check it out...

Intro written in main character's voice:

Isn't it amazing, how science can boil down something as mysterious as love into a series of chemicals called hormones? It's actually quite shocking to me, to think that it's just another piece to the puzzle of "survival of the fittest". How did such a thought affect you, the first time you had to think of something inexplicably beautiful as nothing more than an evolutionary accident? Or what about the scientific explanations for music, or the beauties of nature? How did it affect you, to think of such breathtaking things as the sum of mathematical calculations?

I remember being fascinated out of my mind, so intrigued and enraptured to think that there was a way to understand what seemed too wonderful to explain. But I'm sorry to say that such wonder wore off as I matured, finding that the beauty of absolutely everything is washed away once thoroughly dissected by science. And then I stopped being amazed altogether, as I kept hearing the repeated conclusions of so many authors, theorists, scientists, philosophers, and psychologists, all of them saying that the purpose of each of these wonders, whether of man, plant, or animal, was simply for survival, reproduction, and evolutionary advancement. I never understood that conclusion, as it doesn't sound like a conclusion to me. It sounds more like a stepping stone towards the real conclusion. How can anyone say that their purpose is to keep surviving for as long as they can, to keep evolving in order to get stronger so that they can last longer; to keep existing in order to keep on existing? Well, why should they exist?

I've been a fan of many philosophers, including the heavily scientific that emphatically insist that man doesn't need a purpose from outside of himself, that whatever a man comes up with in creating his own happiness is always enough for him; as though The Law of Diminished Returns didn't really exist, in spite of what every drug and porn addict knows (the more you get, the more you come to need, so enough is literally never enough). So many conclude that a desire for anything more than what evolution can offer is a defect of the portion of the human species that is sure to die off. I actually used to believe these things without a doubt in my mind, but now I have to wonder if it isn't more than just a portion of the human race that has this odd desire for a purpose outside of themselves, if it just may be that we were all born with this flaw. I was certainly surprised to discover that I had it too, having observed my own actions and studied the causes of them, unable to come up with another plausible theory.

And once I realized that I had this defect, I immediately sought to do everything within my power to get rid of it. I highly suspect that I'm not the only one to try such things. It seems to me that many have found a way to bury such longings alive, and in such a way where they can't manage to dig their way out of their graves. But I don't happen to be among those that have met such success. I've certainly tried killing the things before I buried them, but I wonder if these things are of the sort that can actually die and stay dead, without completely killing the person that the desires are found within. They honestly have an apt for rising from the dead, and I should know, as I got tired of killing and burying these things long before they stopped climbing out of their graves to come and haunt me like a ghost from within. It was just amazing, how hard I tried and how miserably I failed time and time again. Forever, I was doomed to be among the flawed and defective of the race, destined to have my descendants die off one day, failing at the one greater purpose, to just keep existing and reproducing forever.

It wasn't that easy for me to give up, to admit that there wasn't a real way for me to be rid of this nagging desire for... something more. But the truth is, when I gave up, is when I finally learned the ultimate secret: the purpose of the desire for a purpose outside of one's self. As crazy as it sounds, I believe that I have found the missing piece to the puzzle that is life. I may be a dreamer, but I may not be so wrong in the belief that my dreams actually led me to something more real than planet earth, the sun, moon, all planets, and all the stars of the innumerable galaxies out there, even something that only ever grows in beauty as you look closer.

My name is Zachariah Asoot Keegan, and my story may well be as unique as my middle name. This is my experience, my deeper history, and the tale of my greatest discovery. So would you care to join me on a walk through an adventure of expansive fantasy, as well as explosive reality?


Asoot is an extraordinarily bright young man whose best escape from his abusive father, Paul, is found within his extravagant imagination. He leads an epic second life in his head, even on a wondrous planet which he calls "Naja". But when catastrophe strikes in his handcrafted paradise, he feels that he needs to break his addiction to fantasy, even by abandoning his dream world altogether. It couldn't be more difficult, especially when he's still in love with Stara, his most favored dream girl of all. And while on his mission to trade in fantasy for reality, he stumbles over some strong evidence which indicates that another imaginary friend has had an independent mind of her own all along; the seemingly sweet and innocent, aquatic shape-shifter, known as Clarisse, could be a devious impostor. But is Asoot actually communicating with something other than himself? Or is his imagination simply more powerful than what he could ever imagine? With his sanity at stake, he's determined to unmask the mystery of just who and/or what has been infiltrating his mind, and why.

message 2: by Luralee (new)

Luralee (Ellell) | 35 comments Hi Lauren,

Your blurb is interesting. It sounds like something I would like to read.

The intro though, I tend not to read them. Yours is very wordy, and I couldn't get through it. I think you might be better off just starting with the story.

message 3: by J.L. (new)

J.L. Peridot (jlperidot) Hi Lauren! I like the idea of an intro and blurb. I think it's a nice way to offer readers a taste of what's to come. I quite like the premise of your story; mm, philosphy vs science. <3

Like Luralee, I found the intro wordy, and struggled to get through it. I get that Asoot is a dreamer and, well, all the dreamers I know talk wordy just like that. ;) But for a piece of fiction, I tend to feel the spirit of a story more strongly with tighter sentences. :)

message 4: by RoseBurn (new)

RoseBurn | 6 comments I should probably say that the intro has the main purpose of giving a chance to the reader to connect with the main character. Few read intros to begin with, I simply chose to use mine as a heart-to-heart piece. And honestly, my whole book is "wordy". It's written by and for the deep and romantic thinker, especially the kind that craves to know the core secrets of the universe. If you can't get into the intro, then this book may not be for you. But you may still like the movie when it comes out, as it will move faster than a bunch of emotional words.

message 5: by J.L. (new)

J.L. Peridot (jlperidot) Very good points, Lauren, and fair enough. :) Best of luck with the novel and movie!

message 6: by RoseBurn (new)

RoseBurn | 6 comments Thank you both for your comments!

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