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message 1: by Ashlee (last edited Jun 25, 2017 07:57PM) (new)

Ashlee (LadyFireheart9294) Hello everyone, this is my "public journal" I will say because, I already have a journal (physical) here with me at home which is 100% private but here I will post the okay stuff that I don't mind sharing because, sometimes it helps to share it and feel as though I am speaking out rather than just putting ink to paper. I do not have many friends and often my mind is a whirlwind of thoughts that I can never get to reach my tongue and the minute I do I lock the thoughts back up before so much as one is released. Some things you must know about me before you read this journal.

1. I have high functioning anxiety
2. I have A.D.D
3. I am not normal and often times I see myself as being misunderstood and so when people judge me I pay no mind because, it's normal for them to judge me. When people are mean to me I take it an let them be mean to me without fighting because's me and things like that are normal in my life. I have few people (very very few) who actually understand me and why I am the way I am and those people are my heroes.
4. There is a God but, I'm not so sure about Jesus and all that other stuff I just feel there is a divine entity because to me there has to be more than just..this..
5. I do not mind one bit if anyone wants to leave a comment so long as it's respectful (obviously right?)

NerdyJediGymnast | 15221 comments Love ya already <3

NerdyJediGymnast | 15221 comments oops sorry if Im not supposed to comment

message 4: by Pink (Shine) (new)

Pink (Shine) (GhostTowns) | 2532 comments Hey, another person who's misunderstood like me.

message 5: by Ashlee (new)

Ashlee (LadyFireheart9294) lol you guys are more than welcome to comment :) I'll have to add that

message 6: by Ashlee (new)

Ashlee (LadyFireheart9294) I have to write a book. I say I have to for two reasons.

1. I love books and have always wanted to do it regardless on if I get published or even send out a manuscript

2. With all of these thoughts in my head, I think it'd make for a pretty awesome book even if I am the only one reading it.

It's funny how in high school I used to draw and for me my art (drawing) was my escape from the constant bullying, stares, talking/gossiping of classmates, and even from my own mind; now as an adult my art has switched from drawing to writing. I love to write even if nobody is reading it but, I prefer that people read it because as mentioned in my "intro" it is better this way because it feels like I'm not holding it all in and sometimes things get bad inside my head. So about this book, I take the bad thoughts and make them into the "bad guy" while I pour the good in me into the "hero/heroine" of the story and this way it's like my own personal form of therapy for dealing with my anxiety because, in the end the hero is the one who will win and you have to be your own hero to your own story no matter how hard the villain (anxiety) comes to take you down. I have thought about this quite seriously and I feel in my heart I am ready to write a book, yes, an actual book and I do want to try and submit it but I'm really very nervous about that part. I'm rambling again aren't I? You see that's my A.D.D I will ramble off topic a lot only because, I really can't help it. It's just the way my mind is and I have no control over my mind and where it wanders. It's hard to stay focused so if I can't stay focused on one thing how will I ever write a book?

message 7: by Ashlee (new)

Ashlee (LadyFireheart9294) I want to tell you guys my history because I feel it will help me write in this journal and connect with others yet, I am not ready for such a big step yet but, I want to be because I have nobody else to talk to.

Delphinia (Dhamma ✿) (dhammarune) | 497 comments Do whatever gives you the most comfort <3 You always have a place here. And if you need someone to talk to, I'm here ^.^

message 9: by Ashlee (last edited Jun 26, 2017 04:27AM) (new)

Ashlee (LadyFireheart9294) Delphinia (Dhamma ✿) wrote: "Do whatever gives you the most comfort <3 You always have a place here. And if you need someone to talk to, I'm here ^.^"

Thank you :) I'm learning to do more and more of what makes me happy because for too long I have sacrificed my happiness and my wants for those who never deserved it, but for those who do they know I will go to the ends of the Earth for them just to see them happy without having to compromise my own happiness.

message 10: by Ashlee (last edited Jun 26, 2017 05:02AM) (new)

Ashlee (LadyFireheart9294) Okay friends I'm going to tell you a little background. I worked up the courage to do it so before I back down here it is.

I was born 2 years before my brother. My mom went through her pregnancy/birth/raising me with nobody but my grandparents. Why? Well you see my mom did not know this but, when she and we will call him Ryan (my dad) got together he failed to tell her something very, very important. He has schizophrenia. He kept this from her and they had plans on getting married but, Ryan got very controlling and wouldn't even let my mom look at other men. Before my mom could break up with him she became pregnant but, hey it's okay because he didn't want me so he broke up with her and left. So here's my mom at 18 still in high school (God this woman is a champ) pregnant as all can be and she still went through school, worked, and got her diploma to provide for me. She never gave up. 2 years later my brother came along. Of course like me, my mom has horrible choice in men. Mom and brother's dad divorced a week after my baby brother was born. Now my mom is a single mom of two children working two jobs, just so she can provide for the two of us.

Growing up my mom wanted to make sure I did not have my dad's illness so that if I did we could catch it and treat it head on before it progressed. Results: No I do not have schizophrenia however I did have A.D.D (diagnoses was at 7 years of age) As a result of my A.D.D I could not focus, sit still, stop talking, or cease my overactive imagination. I was bullied constantly because my peers saw me as stupid and many thought I was "retarded" so, I got it pretty bad. Some things that were said to me (mostly in high school)

-Go kill yourself
-What have you ever accomplished
-Your fat, you should stop eating (truth, I wasn't fat but I was a little on the heavier side, stupidly I took their "advice" and this was the start of my eating disorder that lasted 7 years)
-I'm gonna beat the shit out of you

This list goes on. Now in high school, I was beginning to show more than just my A.D.D. I became overly paranoid, fidgety, depressed, suicidal, irritable, and socially unable to mingle with new people. Back to the Dr. (psychologist) I went and hence my anxiety was discovered only my anxiety was also accompanied by severe depression with suicidal thoughts so I was placed on anti-depressants at 16 years old. Why? Well the bullying got to my mental health. That's why. I was so afraid of people (still am) due to years of mistreatment by my peers which started in preschool yes, preschool believe it or not even my teachers in preschool (which were college students) bullied me and thought I was a freak. I also met my first boyfriend when I was 16. Turns out he only wanted to date me because I was just as screwed up in the head as he was only he was more screwed up. Needless to say I ended that relationship before it went any further.

Fast forward through more bullying and more stupid boyfriends, and you have me at 18 years old. I met my boyfriend of whom I dated for 6 years. At first he was like my angel. I truly thought he was sent from above because he saved me from myself in many ways. I was no longer on anti-depressants but I was always on that edge of having to get back on them and this is also when I became a heavy reader because books took me to another world far, far away from the hell I lived in. This guy and I hit it off and things went great. We graduated together, planned college together, and for the first time in my life I felt like things were looking up for me that maybe there truly was a God or a Jesus after all because this is too good to be true. Well it was. About 3 years into our relationship this guy became mentally and sexually abusive but covered it up with bringing me home books, sweet kisses, and taking me out to my favorite Chinese buffet (before I went vegan) I put up with this crap for 3 years. Why? because well..because I don't know but, when he confessed to me last year that he had cheated on me and lied to me for 3 years of our relationship I thanked him. I was not angry with him, I was thankful because he had taken off the blindfold and over the course of the past year now that I'm no longer captivated by him I see all the hell he put me through and I am ashamed that I allowed him to do that to me but I'm also grateful because now I know to be more careful and not get so caught up just because someone is being nice to me.

A month after the break up I met my roommate of whom I currently live with. I am back on my feet, have a supporting family, a supporting best friend (my roommate) and for the first time in my life, I am claiming myself. I am in control and I refuse to let anyone hurt me ever again. I'm working full-time at a great job, going to school to earn my veterinary technician degree, and though I have no plans on ever getting another boyfriend maybe someday I will. I desperately want to have a relationship like that of Jackie and Lucas in Easy or better yet Feyre and Rhysand or even Aelin and Rowan but, I know these are just fantasies because, in real life relationships like that don't exist and the truth I'm afraid of being abused again and I'm afraid of being lied to again. All of this has truly made my anxiety worse. I'm not on medication for it because I refuse to drug myself up so I cope with it in my own ways but regardless on who caused it I don't hate them. I forgive them. I cannot live with hate in my heart or it will make me an ugly person and I've seen too much ugliness to be ugly. I'm not beautiful by any means on the outside but on the inside I can honestly say that I am gorgeous because my heart is kind and good but, it is guarded and I've built a wall around my soul a thousand miles high and thick and it's going to take a very, very special person to bring those walls down.

My name is Ashlee. I am 25 years old. I've been through hell and back and was diagnosed with anxiety accompinied by depression and suicidal thoughts at 16 years old but the depression/suicidal thoughts are gone and despite the darkness of my past, I'm still alive.

A song that I feel describes me in every breath that I just recently heard is Linkin Park "Revolve around me" I think is what it's called and also Imagine Dragons "Demons"

message 11: by blue (new)

blue (hermiionegranger) | 10597 comments Hey Ashlee!

message 12: by Ashlee (new)

Ashlee (LadyFireheart9294) Lillian wrote: "I love Demons, I can play it on piano!

Also, I am soooooooo sorry that you went through that."

That is awesome! I've always wanted to play the piano!

message 13: by Ashlee (new)

Ashlee (LadyFireheart9294) blue wrote: "Hey Ashlee!"

Hello :)

message 14: by Ashlee (new)

Ashlee (LadyFireheart9294) I am so dumb. I am no good at house work. I can never get the dishes clean enough, I miss things when I sweep, and no matter what I do or hard I try it's just not good enough, he's probably going to kick me out and I don't blame him. I try and try and try but I never am able to prove anything other than how lousy I am when all I want is for him to see my worth.

message 15: by Ashlee (new)

Ashlee (LadyFireheart9294) He came home
He went to bed
He ignored me.
In my mind I'm prepared to be kicked out because I'm lousy at everything I do, there is a voice telling me to shut up that I'm overthinking, to let it go but that's just not possible.He ignored me. I wish he would have said something, I wish even if all he said was "It's okay, don't worry about it" but instead he said nothing and now I'm worrying about it. I"m worrying about something so small and stupid but, I can't stop.Most people would not worry about such a ridiculous thing. Too bad I'm not most people.

message 16: by Ashlee (new)

Ashlee (LadyFireheart9294) I never meant to hurt her feelings and I never meant for it to come out the way it did. I just hope I don't lose my job over this or have my character judged based on my lack of thought before allowing words to come out of my mouth. I'm sorry a thousand times over.

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