it's personal discussion
Journals : M-P
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Only the cake should be in tiers
You know, I don't think anyone reads this. Which is understandable.
Typical.
Even online i'm invisible.
Intolerable.
Every now and then, pitied by the kind people. But never truly befriended.
Again, understandable.
I'm crashing.The world is caving in around me.
I'm stuck.
I'm screaming.
Everyone can hear me, but no one's listening.
No one cares.
I shouldn't exist.No, seriously, i shouldn't.
I'm the product of a mistake relationship, made up of people who were mistakes themselves.
I guess i'm having a bit of an existential crisis. I've had one before, but it was much different. My head space was entirely different. It was a whole other feeling. This is a different kind of terrible feeling.
I feel worthless. Destined to end up like my family and what they expect of me. I'll end up like my parents. Or worse. I'll be nothing. A huge disappointment.
I'm so angry at everyone right now. Literally everyone. Including myself. I want to call everyone out on everything but i can't. That would cause too much shit and everyone would hate me more than they already do.I feel like i'm the worst person in the world. I expect too much from people. Way too much. I'm always disappointed.
I want to scream. I could make a list of all the things that piss me off.
I feel unwanted and unloved. I feel completely worthless.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay.
Okay.Enough being dramatic. (for now)
Time to be positive.
Now, how to be positive...
Hmmm...
Yeah, I'm not entirely sure how to do that right now.
I think social media has turned everyone into a bit of a narcissist.nar·cis·sist
ˈnärsəsəst
noun
a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.
So, my mom's cousin lives in Florida. They're telling people to evacuate because of the hurricane. Instead of doing that, though, he and his family are throwing a party, getting drunk, and hanging out. 
Florida's weird. I hope they'll be okay, though.
I don't really believe in prayer, so i don't ever know what to do or say in situations like these.
I'm freaking out. I have realized that i am not ready for the adult world. I can't do the simplest of tasks. I can hardly leave the house. I'm working on improving myself, but it's a very slow process.
My upstairs neighbors are playing music too loud. Its so annoying.
Okay they're not playing music anymore.
The internet at my house is down for who knows how long. First they said a couple hours. Then they kept pushing it back. Now they're saying it won't be until tomorrow at 10pm. I have about 45 minutes left at the library until it closes.
NO INTERNET! Blasphemy!... my conductance.
Aaaand... I have to leave. Til tomorrow.
*Head desk* Damn typo- condolences!
Nate wrote: "*Head desk* Damn typo- condolences!"Yeah i figured that's what you meant.
I'm eating spaghetti, but for some reason i just had the strangest craving for froot loops. I don't even like froot loops, really. That' weird.
I'm so bored. My sister needs to give me her damn Netflix password.
Went to sleep at 10:30 am. Woke up at 8:30 pm. It's now 10:00 pm, Saturday. Now, i have to somehow get my sleep schedule back on track. I need to be in class by 9 am Monday.
Started watching Dexter on Netflix. Pretty good so far. Dexter, despite being a serial killer, is oddly relatable. The writers did a good job. Although, I figured out who the Ice Truck Killer was before the show outright told the audience. I wasn't the only one, right? I mean, i think they dropped fairly obvious hints as to who it was.
Oh well. Still a good show.
Watched 'The Good Place' on Netflix. Decent show. Still watching Dexter. Not as good as it used to be, and i still find one of the characters really annoying. I thought she would grow on me. She still hasn't. I feel like i have to keep watching, though. Maybe it'll get better.
Still reading Thirteen Reasons Why. Still haven't liked it very much.Started another book called Chopsticks. It's mostly pictures that i guess i have to interpret. It's interesting. It influenced me to listen to classical music, which i don't do as often as i should. I like classical music.
I also got another book from the library.
The Green Mile. Haven't started it yet.
Haven't gone to school in a week. I'm freaking out. I'm going back to my old patterns. I'm never going to be able to do anything. A part of me really just wants to give up. I can't handle the world like others can.
I don't think I ever will.
I am absolutely useless.And that's not just what i feel.
It's fact.
Oh well.
A part of me wants to drop out of college.
Another part of me knows i can't do that.
My mom would kick me out if i did that.
Agh. I'm so annoying.
Aaaand I just spilled soda all over my bed. Fml.I've never smoked, but i feel like i need a fucking cigarette.
I don't even have any real problems and i'm complaining. What is wrong with me?
I don't know why i keep doing this to myself. I don't know why i'm like this. I wish i wasn't. I mostly wish that my poor decisions don't hurt anyone else.
Okay.Wow.
I did it again.
I went on a downward spiral again.
A spiral of negativity.
I have to stop doing this.
I'm feeling better than i was. Slightly better.I have a plan. Sorta.
A plan to fix my problems and improve my life.
However, when i was talking to my mother about my problems, it did two things. First, i was able to make some sort of plan, which reduces stress, anxiety, and depression. But the second thing is not as good.
During our conversation, in which i described how my mental illness was taking over my life and how i couldn't control it, my mom told me to "pray about it."
Not only have i tried that(and it didn't work), i'm not the type of person who believes in prayer. I'm not even sure there is a god. And that made my mom mad. Not mad, really, more dissapointed. Which is worse, really. She said she is scared for me, worried for me. The look on her face was, just, i don't know how to explain it. And she never has that look when she hears about my anxiety and depression. She's not worried or scared about that. No, she's terrified that i may not believe in the same things she does.
I always feel like a dissapointment because of the choices i make, and talking to my mother really doesn't help. She always makes me feel like shit. Like i can't do anything right. Like i should have never been born.
I need to get out of this house.
I should count my blessings:I have shelter.
I have food.
I have water.
I have clothes.
I have never had anyone close to me die.
I am relatively physically healthy.
I live in a country where i am given a lot of freedoms that aren't granted in other countries.
There are probably plenty of others.
I need to try to focus on these.
I watched Love Actually on Netflix. Do people actually think that movie is good? It has a few good moments, but it's just a mess, really. Not worth watching.
4:40 am.There was a cat at our house last night. It wanted in. We couldn't do that. So my mom posted a picture of it on our town's facebook page, asking who it belonged to. It obviously wasn't a stray. Eventually, the owner came and picked it up. The cat's name was Kipper, it turns out. Apparently, when he came to pick it up, my mom said something along the lines of, "so you're the cat daddy?"
I'm glad i was in the shower so i didn't have to witness that.
I really need to get my sleep schedule back on track. I keep sleeping all day. It's so annoying. And it feels normal to me, sleeping during the day and staying up at night. It's like my brain was made backwards or something.
I believe I have officially flunked out of my classes.I'm surprisingly calm about it so far.
Probably because if I wasn't, my head would probably explode.
I bought a laptop yesterday. It's pretty cool. Haven't gotten the warranty on it yet, though, because the way to do that is really stupid. I had to take a picture of a QR code and send it, but that never worked. I don't know what else to do.I can't tell if I'm stupid, or if the world is, or both.
Oh, and I slept during the day, again. Only this time, I wasn't expecting to. I slept last night. I don't know why I was so tired. I hate this. I hate myself.
I kinda just wanna leave and get a fresh start somewhere new. I just need a car. And a driver's license. And probably some other stuff as well.
I don't know what I'm doing with this journal. I want to write about stuff I care about.
But I also kind of want to delete this.
I'm not sure.
so delete what you got and start over? It's and idea. or just make this the new starting point.
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
Thirteen Reasons Why (other topics)Chopsticks (other topics)
The Green Mile (other topics)
Always complaining.
Freaking out over the littlest things.
The world is going to crush me.
I can't handle it.