it's personal discussion
Journals : M-P
>
Only the cake should be in tiers
Okay, so i need to write out my priorities and goals. I'm going to do that here.School- orientation coming up, may change one of my classes, need to buy books, need to get student id. At some point i need to take the sat/act and start looking at other schools to transfer to.
EMT- need to find out if i missed the deadline for classes. Need to know if i can take them for free. Need to find out where they are.
Work- need other schedules before i can even think about that
Home- inspection today(we rent the house, so inspection is an annual thing). If we don't pass, we get kicked out. We've lived here for over a decade now. I'm a little worried.
Mental Health- getting better, i think. I'm starting to think more rationally. Hoping i can get through the schoolyear. Hoping i can keep my sleep schedule on track.
I've been thinking about exercising as well. For both my physical and mental health. I also want to eat better. I've been telling myself to do these things forever, so i should probably start doing it.
Reading- i'm way behind on my reading goal. I've been trying to read more, but other things get in the way.
Social- i really need to start talking to my old friends again. I'm not sure if i should, though. I also need to work on my social anxiety. It's just getting in my way.
I can't think of anything else at the moment, but there's probably something.
Okay, so apparently inspection is actually tomorrow. So that's a bit better. Gives us a chance to clean up a bit more.
Artsy wrote: "Okay, so apparently inspection is actually tomorrow. So that's a bit better. Gives us a chance to clean up a bit more."We passed inspection. That's all good.
Now, new topic:I try to do the right thing. I don't know if i'm always doing that though. It's so difficult. I try to be good. I try to be kind. I try to be helpful. I don't know what to do anymore. It seems like no matter what i do, someone always ends up upset with me. If i do this, i'm doing something wrong. If i do the opposite, i'm doing something wrong. If i do nothing, i'm doing something wrong. It's always wrong. Something always has to go wrong.
I need to stop worrying so much.
Some things are really difficult to do. You worry about the consequences of an action, but you worry even more about what would happen if you do nothing.
Sometimes, it feels like everything is able to be fixed, but i'm just too lazy or too scared to fix it. Other times, it feels like some things are unfixable. Sometimes, it feels like it's my fault that everything is broken.
Okay, so, me and my family have been living in this house(which we rent) for over a decade. When we first moved here, we had downstairs neighbors. Eventually, they moved out. We were the only family living in the entire house for the majority of the time we've lived here.Somewhat recently, though(in the past year), new people moved in upstairs. They are loud and smoke pot. The sound and smell both give me a headache. Most recently, another guy moved in downstairs. He's also been fixing things up downstairs. Drilling and hammering stuff. That also gives me a headache.
I also have social anxiety and paranoia, so having a lot of strangers move in hasn't been the easiest for me.
For example, it is now quarter til 2 in the morning, and not too long ago, a car parked in our back yard, stayed there for a bit, and eventually left. I have no idea who that was, because it wasn't any of ours or our neighbors cars. It could have been the downstairs guy's girlfriend. Or something else harmless and normal. But i'm paranoid, so my brain makes me freak out. It makes me think the worst. That its someone bad. That i'm being watched.
God i'm insane.
I want to calm down. I want to be normal. But i don't know how. No one else seems to know how either. I'm afraid i might get worse.
I'm so tired. I need to go to sleep, but i can't. I'm afraid something bad will happen if i do.
The sky is brighter than it usually is at this hour. It's still dark, just not as dark. Which is strange considering it's so cloudy. The sky just looks white mostly. It's kinda cool. I love looking at the sky. It's so pretty. There was a rainbow earlier today. Er, yesterday technically. It rained so much. I love the rain.
Does anything ever last? It seems like, just when you start to get used to something in your life, it changes again. Just when you feel like things are good, you find out they never were. Nothing lasts.
Today is my birthday.Yay?
Honestly, my birthday just makes me sad, anxious, and stressed now.
Oh well, i'm 18. Well, to be more accurate, i'll be 18 at 9:19pm.
I don't know what we're doing for my birthday, if anything. I'm not sure that i want to do anything.
Goin bowling wit da fam.Ew.
I don't talk like that.
I'm at the bowling alley with my family.
:)
Finally. Got my first strike of the night. Yes! Unfortunately no one saw it except my competitive sister.
Got home. Blew out candles. Ate some cake. Overall it was a nice night.
Yay ^o^ That's v happy to hear~
Sorry I missed this! I'm good, chillin on Discord, trying not to stress about college xD Hbu? <3
Not much. Watchin a bit of youtube. Also trying not to stress about college.When's your first day?
Haha :D What youtube channels do you like? I think I'm leaving the 20th, classes start the 23rd~
Tons of different kinds of channels, though when i typed my previous comment i was watching jacksepticeye. I watch several let's players. I also watch some news/drama centered channels. Some comedy. Some short films. Music. Movie & tv show reviews/commentary. I watch some booktubers every now and then. I also watch asmr to help me sleep. Some specific channels i like are philip defranco, shane dawson, dan & phil, gmm, jaclyn glen, chilled chaos, markiplier, minx, and jacksepticeye.
And you start about the same time i do. Classes for me start the 21st.
Oh, and what youtube channels do you watch?
I'm kinda tired but i also kinda wanna stay up. So, nothing new.
nothing much. just reactivating my twiter account
Nice. I've made at least 2 twitter accounts that i've forgotten the password and email to. Thats kinda what i do with sites i guess. Too many emails. Too many passwords.
aw. glad you didn't forget your goodreads password yet. XD
Well this is my second account. I had to make this cuz i forgot the info to my original. Its still up, i just can't get in. It was annoying at first, but not too much anymore. I like this account.
Just woke up at 1:45 pm. Probably not the best time to be awake. I know i just woke up, but today feels like its going to be good. I can't explain it.
Yes! I didn't miss the deadline for emt classes! The classes were supposed to start in August, but they pushed them back to November. So i still have time. And that's one less thing to stress about. For now.
That's good to hear! <3 And hey Edge ^.^ and Artsy xD
Hello everyone. I just recently got an app called TalkLife. It's supposed to help you with problems. You talk to others about issues. You get advice. You give advice. You can help others. You can talk anonymously. It's pretty cool. I've been given some good advice from there recently. I posted that i didn't belong anywhere, and someone told me it's because i'm unique, and that's a good thing. I shouldn't pretend to be someone else to please others. If i do that, i only get friends because of a lie. I should just live my life as close to the way i want to as i can, and not worry about anything else, or anyone elses opinion.
What'd you think about that~? <3
I mean, i know what i need to do to help myself feel better and have a better life. It's just so difficult. My brain keeps fighting with itself: Optimism vs. Pessimism. "I can. I can't. I can. What's the point?" stuff like that. I'm just so stressed out and so terrified that i'm making the wrong decisions. It's hard to focus on things because i'm so distracted by my worries.
I know how hard that can be <3 I'd say keep taking care of yourself, keep doing the things that are likely to make you feel better even if you don't see an improvement every day. Nothing's ever a waste. Along with that, maybe you can do something slightly stressful, or that could be rewarding but you're not sure, every day. Like meeting someone new. It gets easier overtime, and in a way, it gets a LOT easier after the first time. Or maybe you can log or journal about what you're doing so you can see a clear improvement? I wish you the best and I hope these things get easier for you~ I'll be here
Aug 19, 2017. 3:30 am. So, not the best past couple of days.
Yesterday(18th), i tried to stay awake so i could go to the college and get my student id, and maybe my textbooks. I also had to go to the bank, and therapy. I fell asleep and wasn't able to do any of it because my sleep schedule is messed up.
My sister woke me up saying our mom was having a seizure. She's epileptic, so it's not a huge surprise, and we knew what to do. We called her friend to come over as we always do. This time mom thankfully didn't fall on anything or seem to have bruised anything. She was laying in bed and didn't fall off. She's fine, but it's always a scary thing. She has a seizure about once or twice a year. She's fine, just going to be extra tired for a couple days.
Anyway, while all this is happening, i get an email from the school saying i need to pay tuition by tonight, and i have a bunch of other emails from them about me needing to buy books. I think i've paid tuition, but the only person that could help with that is my mom, and she was resting. And i know i don't have books. Now its the weekend, when everything is closed for some reason, and i start class on monday. I have so many things going on at once and now i feel like i can't complain about it. I usually go to my mom for help, but i can't bother her with anything for the next few days, obviously. God, i feel so selfish for complaining about anything, but i'm freaking out. My brain is spinning and it won't stop. This isn't even all that's going on but to write everything out would take ages and just make me look ungrateful. I should start counting my blessings instead of my problems.
Now 3:47 am.
Okay, my mom is awake and seems okay. She's skipping work today, as she always does the day after a seizure. And she already had the next two days off. She's tired out, but she's not bruised or cut, and she didn't bite the inside of her mouth or anything. So she's okay from what i can tell, just needs to take it easy for a bit.
There's like, no food in the house and mom can't drive to the store. :( Need to stay awake. Need to stay awake.
You're not ungrateful! Honestly this sounds really stressful and it's not your fault. You're always allowed to feel worried or stressed especially when something like this is going on, and this is the place where you can vent all you need. No one would judge you. You're doing so good and staying so selfless even throughout this ❤️ Be kind to yourself
Thank you Dhamma, as always. <3The most stressful thing right now is trying to fix my sleep schedule by monday morning. First day of school, can't miss it. Plus the solar eclipse.
I need to try to stay awake now, and fall asleep as early as i can later, which is always difficult.
So, yesterday was my first day of school. I didn't get ANY sleep the previous night. I was late, but it was fine since it was the first day. I had english class, which was okay. Then public speaking, which was short today so we could watch the eclipse. There was an 'eclipse party' at campus. There was free shaved ice for students. The party wasn't just for students though. It was so hot yesterday. I got sunburnt. My mom showed up to the party. We saw the eclipse. It was pretty cool. I also got my textbooks and student id today. My mom and i went to the bank and i set up a checking account. So thats cool. I should be getting my debit card in the mail soon. After that, my mom, my sister, and i went to walmart. My feet were killing me by that point. I was so tired. I was falling asleep in the car on the way home. When we got home, i went straight to sleep. It was 6:30pm. I woke up at 2:30am. Its now 10 past 4.
So, for english its basically a writing class. I already have an assignment. A research paper due in december. I think i'm supposed to work with other people on it. I'm terrified of the public speaking class. I have to make speeches.
The proffessors seem nice. The school is small and the students seem nice enough. I'm just hoping i don't humiliate myself. I need to keep a hold on my social anxiety, and other issues.
I'm an adult. I need to grow up and be responsible. My mom says she's not buying things for me anymore after today. No school supplies. No clothes. Nothing except food. And maybe, hopefully, shoes. She joked that she was gonna start charging me rent. I don't even have a job yet. I should soon though.
Severe anxiety got the best of me today. I skipped class. I hate myself.
At some point i have to write an autobiography for psychology class. Not sure how i feel about that.I also have to make a speech about myself for my public speaking class in two weeks. To the entire class.
And i skipped class today.
And i'm freaking out about a million other things.
I'm fairly certain i'm going to have a mental breakdown pretty soon. Possibly in public.
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
Thirteen Reasons Why (other topics)Chopsticks (other topics)
The Green Mile (other topics)
But now it's working, finally. Yay!
Lol. Anyway, i'm probably going to be posting more pics and gifs here. Hopefully that doesn't annoy anyone. Not that many people read this anyway.