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Journals : M-P
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Only the cake should be in tiers
When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody aroundDo you ever really crash, or even make a sound?
When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around
Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?
When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around
Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?
When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around
Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?
Did I even make a sound?
Did I even make a sound?
It's like I never made a sound
Will I ever make a sound?
-'Waving Through a Window' from 'Dear Evan Hansen'
"Give them no reason to stareNo slipping up if you slip away
So I got nothing to share
No, I got nothing to say"
"I try to speak, but nobody can hear
So I wait around for an answer to appear
While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass
I'm waving through a window, oh
Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me?"
Honestly the entire song, and the entire musical is so good. Relatable,sad, amazing. I would love to see it in person.
My sister's playing with fire again. She really needs to stop.She just showed me firecrackers in her safe. I'm concerned. She's gonna set the house on fire.
pro·cras·ti·nateprəˈkrastəˌnāt
verb
delay or postpone action; put off doing something.
Today was a mostly boring day. I didn't really do anything. Nothing happened. Wait let me think...Nope. Nothin.
I need to start doing things. Like leave the house. Or finally work on all the projects i've been putting off doing.
The weird thing is, i put off doing things that i know i would enjoy. Like writing, for example.
Happy Independence Day! (for my fellow Americans)
A month til my birthday. I remember when i used to look forward to my birthday. Now i dread it.
My sister spent the night at a friends last night. Hasn't come home yet. Maybe she's spending the night again.My mom went out to a 4th of July party somewhere to get drunk with friends or whatever.
The neighbors are setting off fireworks somewhere. I can hear them, but i can't see them.
There was a giant double rainbow today after a lot of rain. I have a family reunion tomorrow. I usually love the rain, but i hope it doesn't rain at the reunion.
There is a severe thunderstorm warning tonight.
How boring am i, just talkin about the weather.
I got back from the reunion at 4:30 pm and immediately went to sleep(i didn't sleep at all the previous night). I woke up at 12:30 am. Its 1:30 am now. The reunion was boring. I was anxious and depressed the whole time. No one bothered talking to me and my social anxiety was really bad so i just stayed outside(everyone else was inside). I first was at the swings outside the building. Then i sat in my mom's truck. I got a sunburn(which my mom and sister laughed at). I should have worn sunscreen. I am extremely pale.
My mom mentioned that i got my GED and the reactions seemed weird to me. My aunt said "congratulations" but it all just seemed forced. Like they didn't care. My mom said we're going to have some get together to celebrate. I'm not sure i want that anymore. I did before. Although if we do, maybe we'll just do that on my birthday since its less than a month away.
I ended up crying when we got into the truck to leave. No one seemed to notice.
Then, when we left, we stopped by the cemetery nearby. My mom wanted to visit her dad's grave. I has stopped crying by then, but then i started to again, because i felt guilty about crying before. I was feeling depressed all day because i felt unwanted, but then my mom was feeling sad in remembering her dad. My mom has been through a lot in her life, and i don't make it any better. At the same time, though, i know if anything were to happen to me, it would crush her. She has already been through so much. And i'm here feeling sorry for myself.
How pathetic am i.
I don't know what i'm doing. With my life. With myself. With my future. With anything.
I need to get my life together.
I need to start being better.
A better daughter. A better sister. A better niece, cousin, aunt, granddaughter. A better friend(if i had any). A better student. A better citizen. A better person.
I need to be better.
I want to be better.
1:50 am now.
I want to go outside, but i feel like i'd get in trouble. I need fresh air. I opened a window, but that didn't help. Now i really want to go out. I love it when its dark out. I love night. I love early morning. I also love watching the sun rise in the morning. Even though i prefer night to day, i think i prefer sunrises to sunsets. I don't know why. They're just calmer, i guess. New day. Birds chirping. Fresh air. Dew on the grass. Its peaceful.
I love this time. 2:15 am. Its dark. Its quiet. Its not too hot or bright out. Its cool, but not too cold. Its so nice. I just want to take a walk. Pretend no one else exists. I mean, most people are asleep, so its like i'm the only one left. I think that's why i like night so much. It's like a whole other world.
Sunrise isn't until 6 something. I still have time to go out. But i can't. If someone sees me gone they'll freak out and i'll get in trouble.On an unrelated note, my mom made cookies yesterday and they are so good. Peanut butter chocolate chip.
I want pop now for some reason. Like Pepsi or something.
I'm trying to eat healthy though. Its not working out too well.
This is what i was writing while at the reunion(which didn't have wifi so i had to type it in my notes app):At family reunion. Feeling anxious, claustrophobic, and overall uneasy and awkward. Like all family get togethers.
No one's talking to me. (My younger sister)'s avoiding me. I hate this.
I don't know if I'm going to the next one.
Maybe if I hadn't skipped therapy yesterday, it wouldn't be so bad today. Probably not.
I feel like a freak.
A freakshow in a pretty dress.
I want to go home. But I also kinda want to run away. Somewhere else. Where no one has met me or anyone who knows me. I can be a new person, maybe.
I'm sitting in a swing outside the (building). Its windy. Not too windy. There are big beautiful clouds. The sun is shielded by a cloud right now so its not quite as bright.
Nevermind, its back. Bright and warm and welcoming.
I wish I could have a day, just one day, where I was the only person on the planet. I could run around like the world is my giant playground. With no one to bother me.
Speaking of, (my older sister)'s here. She says the auction is going on inside. I'm not even interested, to be honest. I really want to go home. Just go home. 🏡
I don't know what I'm doing. I need to get out of here. I feel so out of place. I want to feel like I belong but I don't. I don't feel welcome here.
I can't go inside. But its so hot out here. I want to go home. I shouldn't have come here today.
I want to cry but I can't. Not here, where people can see. Not with makeup on. Crappy makeup.
Everyone else seems to be having a good time. Why can't I?
(I took out names of places and people)
Aww Artsy <3 How are you doing now?
I'm still depressed, but writing everything down makes me feel better.And sometimes i wish i could just turn back time. If i had the power, i would in a heartbeat. Not even to change things, necessarily(although i would like to do that too). I just want to go back and relive certain moments, and take the time to look around and appreciate it. If i had known about how my life would change, i would have appreciated things more. The way they were.
Anyway, how have you been?
Glad it helps ^.^ There are so many precious moments that are coming <3 And you're wiser now and will know how to appreciate them. You're so good and thoughtful and sweet~
I've been a bit of a mess in a funk but holding on. Thanks Artsy <3
If you ever want to talk to someone, I'm here
Thankyou for saying such nice things. No one else does.What do you mean a mess? A funk? Whats going on(if you dont mind me asking)?
And you can talk to me any time as well.
3 in the morning. I really should go to sleep. But i kind of want to paint my nails for some reason. I also just want to stay up. I hate my nocturnal nature. It messes everything up. I have a job interview the day after tomorrow so i can't have my sleep schedule messed up. Ugh. So annoying.
Random rant:I watch a lot of youtube. I watch youtubers with different beliefs talking about all sorts of topics. I can even enjoy content of people i disagree with on some subjects. Including ones i feel really strongly about. And not just youtube. Television as well. And i can talk to people with differing views, usually. I listen to their side of things. I say my side. And i always try to look at the person i disagree with as a person. A human being. With feelings and hopes and dreams and friends and family, etc. What i don't understand is why some people can't do the same thing. I have seen people, from every place on the political spectrum, refuse to listen to other people's opinions. I have literally seen people plug their ears and go "la la la la la" just so they won't hear what the other person has to say. It makes me really upset. And i don't understand it. Maybe at some point in my life i would have, but at this point i don't. If someone has differing views to me, i would actually be really interested in what they have to say. I would like to understand how they came to believe what they believe. And hey, we'll probably both learn something from each other. Or maybe not. Maybe i'm crazy. I guess it's insane to want to hear from all points of view. I personally enjoy political discourse. I feel like if people were more open minded(really, truly open minded) there would be less problems in the world.
Another rant: When i was little, people cared about me. I think that's how it is for most people. What i mean is, when i was little, my family(including extended family) noticed me. I got attention. At some point that stopped. My extended family(at least on my mom's side) acts like i don't exist. I'm trying to figure out how that happened, and why. I'm not saying i want to be the center of attention or anything, but i do want to be acknowledged. To feel welcome. I don't, though, and i wonder if it's like that in other people's families as well. I feel like some of my family started ignoring me and my sisters when we started getting older. Not adorable little kids anymore. Starting to form our own opinions. And whether they meant to or not, that hurt me. And my younger sister too, i think. You can't show someone attention and affection for years(as long as they've known you) and then all of the sudden start ignoring them. I mean, it probably wasn't all of the sudden, but it feels like it now that i'm realizing it. Not all of our family does that, of course, but a lot of them do. Every time i go to any sort of family function(on my mom's side) i feel unwelcome. Unwanted. I wish it wasn't like that. You know, i have a niece, and i hope i don't end up ignoring her like my aunts and uncles did with me once i grew up.
When you're a kid, everyone(well, not absolutely everyone) acts like they care about what you're saying, and that everything you do is really interesting. At some point, you become less impressive to people. And then i guess some people don't know what to say to you anymore. And i understand. It just sucks, that's all. But oh well, that's life i guess.
I wish a day lasted longer. Like, two days or something. Or a week. Everything goes by too fast. A day feels like a minute. A month feels like a day.
I filled out two applications today. One for college and one for McDonalds. I submitted the college one online. I go to the mcdonalds interview in a couple days.
31 views. 2 new people to bore with my existential worries.
The sunrise is so pretty this morning. Pretty and pink.
I think i'm not just a night person who prefers sunrise to sunsets. I think i just don't want to sleep, ever. I want to be awake during the day when the world is loud and bright and cheerful, and at night when the world is quiet and dark and peaceful. I wish i never had ro sleep. At the same time though, i like sleep because my dreams can be pretty entertaining, or enlightening. Gosh, the sky is so pretty.
Artsy wrote: "I might. We'll see. I don't know if it counts as a poem or short story or what but i like writing stuff like that.I did just write sort of journal entries here though(it was sort of a therapeutic thing):
https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/..."
Almost two weeks since writing that. I thought it wouldn't really help much. I thought it would make me feel better for maybe a day. But i still feel better. I have a new perspective on things. And i didn't need to hear it from someone else. I just had to write down everything in my head and rationalize my thoughts. My worries don't seem as strong anymore. They're still there, but there is a definite change. I feel lighter, like a weight has been lifted. At least somewhat.
I have a job interview tomorrow, plus i have some other stuff to do. I really should go to sleep. But i can't. I'm tired, but i can't sleep. It's so annoying.
The interview went well, but i was told to wait and come back for an interview again in a month when i have my class schedule figured out. Which makes sense. So let's look at the goal list again:
Goals:
Get my GED ✔
Apply to community college✔(not completely done yet)
Apply for EMT classes
Get my drivers license
Get healthy (i'm doing better. Still working on it.)
Get a job- (applied)
And now my added goals:
Get new friends/get back in touch with old friends
Read 20 books by the end of the year
Get better control of my OCD(especially trichotillomania)
Plus other small "goals": write more, read more, draw more, sing more, etc.
Also, i went to the library today. Finally brought back the books i got two years ago. Paid a 36 dollar fine. Checked out a new book. Thirteen Reasons Why. I'm hesitant to read it based on what i've heard about it. But i'm curious, so i just had to get it. I don't think i'll like it, but i hope to be pleasantly surprised.
I've been wanting to reach out and contact one of my old friends, but i'm kind of terrified. Is anyone reading this? I think i need someone to talk to.
Hey what's up? Sorry it took me a while to respond <3 Been fighting a lymph node infection but better now. How you feeling?
No problem. I'm glad you're feeling better.I'm conflicted. I want to contact one of my old friends, but i'm also really scared to. I think she's moved on by now and maybe it's best if we go our seperate ways. But i don't want to do that. I want to be her friend. I don't know what to do.
She might have moved on--but that doesn't mean she wouldn't want to get to know you and be your friend again! You're a sweet person so I'm willing to bet you find sweet friends. Even if circumstances might pull us apart I never want to stop knowing my friends. Whatever happens with her, know that you're a lovable adorable person who so many would be so happy to know and be friends with <3
It'll be awkward though. And even if i start talking to her again, she's going to go off to college soon, and we won't see eachother. And i've never been good with long distance friends. I've had other feiends who've moved away and i tried to keep in contact with, and it's never worked out.
Honestly I always love to get a nice surprise and hear from an old friend. More than anything, it feels warm and means a lot to know someone I care about is thinking of me. And that can always change, <3 With long distance friends, I keep in mind that life is busy but we really care about each other, and if we're true friends then distance can't change that
I think it's different with me. I've always felt like my friends didn't really like me. Like they only hung out with me out of pity. I don't know. I've always felt out of place. I've never really belonged anywhere.
*hugs* I get that too. But I think a lot of people feel like that, even the ones who seem the happiest. We're all just trying to feel like we're a part of some place. The ones who do, might feel it one moment but anxiety or other stressors might take that away from them the next moment. You're not alone <3
In some ways, were all just as lonely. And we can't show parts of our true selves, in case we might be misunderstood or unappreciated. You're not alone.
The people who really matter will make you feel like you belong and that you're loved.
You're someone really important to me and I want you to know that~
Thank you. I usually feel alone. The only people i have to talk to are my family, my therapist, and people online like you. Honestly, i think you'd make a good therapist. You're really kind and understanding.
I hope i can find a friend group to belong to. That's what i've been wishing for for a long time.
I know i can be annoying sometimes. And depressing. I'm not just looking for attention, i swear. I just need someone to listen sometimes. You have been there to listen, so thank you for that. I hope i can return the same kindness. If you ever need to talk about anything, i'm here. <3
You're not annoying at all, you're a sweetheart! Glad I can be there ^-^ And aww thank you so much <3 That means a lot to me~
Random post:I just tried pineapple pizza for the first time. It's a weird mix of flavors, but i kinda like it.
If i wake up at 9:30 pm and eat a meal, is that breakfast? And does chips and salsa count as a meal?
These are the questions I ask midsummer evenings too, XD Love chips and salsa btw!!
I am legit freaking out right now. I want to scream.
Apparently there's something wrong with my financial aid papers and i need to see a financial advisor(at the university i guess?). I talked to some lady on the phone and she made me want to rip my hair out. I could hardly hear her, and when i could, i didn't understand what she was talking about. Stuff about finances i didn't understand. And she wasn't listening to me. I kept having to repeat myself. And apparently i missed some sort of deadline or something? It was terrible.I HATE talking on the phone.
And now i have to go to campus today. Sarcastic 'Yay'. My mom has to go, too. And she had things she needed to do today, so this is an inconveniance to say the least.
Ugh.
Okay. Got back from campus. Got it all sorted. It's all good. My finances are in order and i scheduled a meeting with an academic advisor. I also signed up for orientation. All i have to do is wait for those days. Oh, and watch a thirty minute orientation video online. :) :) :)
Happy, but also tired. And still stressed from other things i need to get done, but this is one of the weights off my shoulders. :)
So, i now have a schedule for my classes(although i may change some). My finances seem to be okay. Been having a problem with my email, which is an issue, but overall everything is in order, college wise. I'm going to an orientation on the 2nd of august. I need to figure out the email issue though because there is information i need regarding emt training classes.
Also, there is supposed to be some sort of graduation celebration for me coming up?(not sure if thats actually going to happen, though)
And my birthday is August 4th. Turning 18. So that's a thing. Don't know if there's going to be a party or anything, though. Not sure if i want one. Like, who would attend? People i haven't spoken to in forever? Who would otherwise not care what i was doing or make the effort to see me? And my immediate family, who i am certain, if they weren't my family, wouldn't like me. And i suppose this is my fault. I don't make much of an effort to do anything. Not to make friends. Not to be a part of a community. Not to go outside. I only have my family to care about me because they're my family. If i didn't have them, i would be completely on my own, unless i were to go out and make friends and really work at those friendships. And i guess everyone has it the same way. I mean, i guess it's easier for some people to make friends. But even so, a friend group, a support system, doesn't just fall into your lap. You have to make the effort. You have to do things for yourself. And by you i mean me. I have to do these things.
I wonder if sometimes i say too much. Or too little. Or think too much. Actually, i know i think too much. But i wonder sometimes if some thoughts should be kept to myself. If they're just too much for others to handle. Or if keeping those thoughts inside is unhealthy. I just don't want to worry anyone, or have them think i'm weird, or more upset than i actually am. I think deeply about things. Important things. Sad, sometimes scary things. I can be sad or depressed. That doesn't mean you need to worry about me. All i need is someone to listen and understand, without judgement. But i don't want to be a burden on anyone, though. I don't want to stress anyone out, or make them sad. I wish i didn't think so much. I wish i wasn't so depressing or serious or anxious. Then i wouldn't be as much of a burden, anymore.
I wonder if my worries are even worth worrying about, sometimes. Actually, i know they're probably not. They're probably totally irrational.
I really just need to focus on what i need to get done and not worry about it. Some things are simply out of my control.
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
Thirteen Reasons Why (other topics)Chopsticks (other topics)
The Green Mile (other topics)
I did just write sort of journal entries here though(it was sort of a therapeutic thing):
https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...