Beta Reader Group discussion

Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > YA fantasy query

Comments Showing 1-3 of 3 (3 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Rachel (new)

Rachel Thyssen (rachelthijssen) | 121 comments It's been a while since I queried and I'd like to know what you guys think of my current query :)

Dear (agent),

Seventeen-year old Dalila Bau decides to take her brother’s place in the long-lasting war between the two countries of Medea and Kash, after her brother has chosen to give up warfare and start a family.

Unfortunately, the women of Medea aren’t allowed to fight. So if they find out Dalila is actually a girl in man’s armor, she will be executed for treason.

When she arrives at the war camp, general and Crown Prince Kazim shows he has high expectations of her brother. Untrained and inexperienced, Dalila cannot meet these expectations.

Then she finds out she has the gift of magic, during a heated battle. She helps her fellow soldiers escape from the enemy’s grasp in the process.

Meanwhile, Kazim slowly starts to grow on her and the two form a powerful bond of friendship.

When the Crown Prince is killed, Dalila faces a difficult decision. The God of Death wants to strike a deal: Dalila kills the King of Kash and ends the war, and the god will return prince Kazim to the living.

If the Prince doesn't return, Medea will lose the war. And Dalila is desperate to get her friend back.

Armed with her new abilities, Dalila needs to end the war and save the Prince, or else her country and loved ones will perish.

THE GIRL IN MAN’S ARMOR (88.000) is a YA fantasy inspired by the story of Mulan with a setting like ancient Egypt which fans of POISON STUDY and AN EMBER IN THE ASHES may enjoy.

A few years ago, I published two middle-grade books with a small, independent publisher. Both were nominated by the publisher as best of the year and my second book placed in the top three.

Thank you for your consideration,


message 2: by Alex (new)

Alex Buchanan (msbananananner) | 17 comments Looks pretty good to me! Straightforward and easy to understand. You might be able to condense it a bit, but it's not super long as it is or anything.

Are you planning to mention your previously published books by name? Either that or the name of the publisher would be good I think--from what I understand, agents will do a quick search to see what the sales the authors previous books were, and you never know, the agent might be familiar with that press, even if its small.

Best of luck in your querying!

message 3: by Martha (new)

Martha Guarisco (marthaguarisco) | 12 comments Try switching the order of your first and second paragraphs so your query begins with the stakes.

I noticed a few (tiny) grammatical errors. If you'd like, DM me for my email address. I'm happy to give suggestions!

back to top