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Your tag line isn't bad, but the first sentence of the first paragraph should either be attached, or reworded. As is, I keep hearing my third grade teacher explaining the reason we don't begin sentences with "because.""Vanity. Materialism. Callousness." I'm not sure this fits here, or what the purpose of it is...
Second full paragraph begins with a LONG sentence. Noticeably long. My interest is nearly nil now.
You might have an excellent story here, but the blurb needs work.
Thanks Jen!!! It was the exact feedback I gave to my husband!!!
I was hoping to get some 3rd party opinion because I'm not so impartial, so thank you very much!!
Renata wrote: "Hi group, I'm looking for some feedback on this summary - bottom line, would you want to read the book? Is the summary clear?Any advice, constructive criticism is welcome
I want to read this NOW! Is it ready?!
That said, I think the blurb needs to be tightened up. You (he?) did well in getting the story down to a couple paragraphs, but it has to go down one more level in size and complexity.
I agree the Vanity. Materialism. Callousness could come out and the two sentences alone would be strong. However, you do need at least one of those to make it clear that she has a vapidness she needs to shed.
The second paragraph has too many introductory phrases: Brazil, near future, virus. My mind was trying to hang onto them all. Is it important that it's in Brazil?
Larissa
If you’re born different, can you, ever fit in? Because, that's what Pembroke Falls wants to do, fit in.Vanity. Materialism. Callousness. She hides these, her demons, her other secret side, buried in her DNA to garner the acceptance of the Selects: a clique of kids engineered to be perfect.
But on the east coast of Brazil, in the near future, when a deadly virus is unleashed, tearing its victims apart with black growths, Pembroke must shed her vapid façade and solve the mystery of the virus’ origin. Trapped in a crumbling city, forced to fight to survive, she discovers the virus holds an insidious secret. It doesn’t just kill; it is changing the DNA of a small group of people, advancing them into something no longer human.
And she, is one of them.
Can she save the people she loves? Can she escape the destruction around her? Or will she be like so many others – an exsanguinated corpse, punctured by black growths.
I changed the opening couple of lines to something that I feel is a better 'fit' and I also 'read into' what I 'think' you were trying to get across with the 'traits' that Pembroke is trying to keep secret. I also added a comma for a little emphasis after "And she,...
Of course, I may have misunderstood what you were trying to express, in which case, you can just ignore me! :)
That said. I do like the premise of your story.
ETA: I hope I didn't overstep my boundaries by changing the wording of your summary. If you'd like, I could just delete my reply, please let me know. Thanks.
I thought Pembroke Falls was a place. And it sounds like she doesn't love anyone, so that's not a good motivator to save them.
The story does sound great, though.
Any advice, constructive criticism is welcome
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If you’re born different, can you ever fit in?
Because Pembroke Falls only wants to fit in. Vanity. Materialism. Callousness. She hides the secret buried in her DNA for the acceptance of the Selects: a clique of kids engineered to be perfect.
But on the east coast of Brazil, in the near future, when a deadly virus is unleashed, tearing its victims apart with black growths, Pembroke must shed her vapid façade and solve the mystery of the virus’ origin. Trapped in a crumbling city, forced to fight to survive, she discovers the virus holds an insidious secret. It doesn’t just kill; it is changing the DNA of a small group of people, advancing them into something no longer human.
And she is one of them.
Can she save the people she loves? Can she escape the destruction around her? Or will she be like so many others – an exsanguinated corpse, punctured by black growths.