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Love Warrior
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3. Listening when struggling.
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Carol
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May 26, 2017 11:30AM
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Since this is the one question I submitted, I'll answer it. I don't openly share when I'm struggling because I don't like to admit defeat. But I've seen fixers in my life with little things. And she's right, I don't want information on how they think I should fix it because I've either tried it, it's not right for me, or that's just not what I want to do in the situation. Telling me how to fix it doesn't help.
As for me, I saw myself as a comparer. I do tell people, "Oh I know this person who struggled with that, they did this. " So I need to do better at that.
I think most people who share their feelings this way just want a listening, sympathetic, validating listener. I know I can do better with this, but it's still hard to know what to say.
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I've known all these types and have been some of them too. I've learned over the years that most people just need a listening ear and an empathetic heart. I don't offer advice unless specifically asked.
This was the thing I'll most remember from this book. I don't share my problems often, but when I do I find it SO discouraging to be interrupted and told: "My cousin went through the same thing" or "Here's how to fix this". I don't mind a little advice, but only AFTER my friend has truly listened to me and offered sincere sympathy! That's what I want when I share - I want attention and sympathy. So - do I do this when others talk to me? I hope so. I'm going to try harder to be sure I do.
k, real question here. Since I'm totally a comparer, is there a time when that's ok to add about someone I know? Even at the dentist office I was doing it! She told me about her ivf and I shared my friends stories. But was she really coming to me struggling? I don't know. what do you think? Is there a time and place for "comparers" like me? I do it all the time!
It doesn't really bother me if people do this - as long as they aren't interrupting MY story to start in on theirs. AND, as long as their attitude isn't, "yeah, bummer but that happens to everyone, but usually worse." I know a lady who does this. Everything anyone says - she's had it worse. (Classic "one-upper")So - that's what I think, Chelsea. What do the rest of you think?
True, Cindy! One upping is never helpful, and neither is interrupting. Sometimes I like to hear about so and son's friend and how they handled a situation like mine. But if I'm venting and trying to get someone to listen, that's definitely not what I want to hear at the time. Thanks Cindy, that helps me.
I've written a blog post or two (and read many others) about this on the topic of infertility. I think the safest option is to just ask someone what they want. Start off by just being a good listener, and then after you feel like you've done that for a good amount of time, if you have advice to offer or a situation they might be able to relate to, ask if they'd find it helpful if you shared it with them. I find if I do it like that, people are more appreciative and feel more at ease.
Angela, that's probably the good way to be a "fixer." Ask first and see if they even want advice. That way people who don't feel the listening ear when advice gets shoved at them on how to fix it can have a chance to say, "No I don't need any help. I've got it covered." At least then they know you're sensitive to their feelings during their difficult time.
