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Archived Workshop No New Posts > Blurb help...my first attempt.

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message 1: by Joynell (new)

Joynell Schultz (joynellschultz) | 39 comments Here's a first attempt at a blurb for a quirky fairy tale / contemporary fantasy / a little romance type story. I'll take all suggestions available!

Thanks!

Title: Hidden: A Pregnant Fairy Godmother's Journey...

Even being the best fairy godmother in all the land, Ciera’s been hiding a secret. Not only is she pregnant, but she’s pregnant from a human.

Humans are not allowed in the fairy realm. Period. That includes half-fairy half-human babies. The only solution is to give the baby to its father before the Fairy Council finds out her secret. Finding the father should be easy, how many men named John could possibly live in this place called Chicago?

Instead of finding John, Ciera accidentally foils a thief’s jewelry heist. Despite the thief’s anger towards her and her desire to give up the baby, he still helps her...probably because he’s hiding a secret of his own. Too bad Ciera has no magic in the human realm since she really wants to help him too…


message 2: by Mellissa (new)

Mellissa | 48 comments Sounds awesome!


message 3: by Joynell (new)

Joynell Schultz (joynellschultz) | 39 comments Mellissa wrote: "Sounds awesome!"

Fantastic! Thanks for checking it out.


message 4: by Eric (last edited May 23, 2017 08:55AM) (new)

Eric Halpenny | 36 comments I think this story sounds interesting, so part of your blurb's purpose has been achieved: to interest the reader. However, it reads just a little awkward to me.

Here are some suggestions:

Instead of saying the "best" fairy godmother which seems a little weak, maybe try "most accomplished" or something else to describe how good she is.

I might try this (I recommend removing the thief portion since it seems to really not fit with the blurb):

Ciera is the most respected fairy godmother in all the land, but she has a secret that could change everything. She's pregnant...with a human.

Humans are not allowed to enter the fairy realm...not even half-humans with an amazing fairy for a mom. Ciera's only option is to find the baby's father before the Fairy Council discovers her secret. Even though she can't use magic in the human world, Ciera is confident she can easily find John, the baby's father, in Chicago. How hard could that be?

Little does Ciera realize, she's not ready for the human world. But then again, the human world isn't ready for her.


message 5: by Joynell (new)

Joynell Schultz (joynellschultz) | 39 comments Eric wrote: "I think this story sounds interesting, so part of your blurb's purpose has been achieved: to interest the reader. However, it reads just a little awkward to me.

Here are some suggestions:

Instead..."


Wow, you're good! I'm off to rewrite and am taking most your ideas. :-) I just need a different ending line...and wonder if the thief part needs to be in there, because that's the focus of the story.


Sam (Rescue Dog Mom, Writer, Hugger) (sammydogs) | 968 comments I like it! The story sounds interesting... and fun. Is there humor in it? Good luck! Hugs


message 7: by Joynell (new)

Joynell Schultz (joynellschultz) | 39 comments Sam (Rescue Dog Mom, Writer, Hugger) wrote: "I like it! The story sounds interesting... and fun. Is there humor in it? Good luck! Hugs"

Yes, there's situational humor in the story...plus that the idea is absurd. It should be fun, as it is a multi-author group project.


Sam (Rescue Dog Mom, Writer, Hugger) (sammydogs) | 968 comments Joynell wrote: "Yes, there's situational humor in the story...plus that the idea is absurd. It should be fun..."

I enjoy a fun paranormal story. ; )


message 9: by Jessica (new)

Jessica Jesinghaus (jessjesinghhaus) | 78 comments My 2-cents, building off Eric's suggestion:

She's pregnant... and the father's a human.

'with a human' to me reads that she's having a human baby instead of a mixer 😉


message 10: by M.L. (new)

M.L. | 1102 comments Both are good and intriguing, it sounds like a fun story.
My favorite blurb is the original one, the first 2 paragraphs (leaving off the part about the thief), and agree about changing it to 'and the father is a human.'
I also like 'best fairy godmother.' The reason is because it has that kind of breezy feel like "Inside Out"; sounds like Joy talking, the *best* fairy godmother. :)


message 11: by Joynell (new)

Joynell Schultz (joynellschultz) | 39 comments M.L. Roberts wrote: "Both are good and intriguing, it sounds like a fun story.
My favorite blurb is the original one, the first 2 paragraphs (leaving off the part about the thief), and agree about changing it to 'and t..."


Great comments here too.

If the story is kinda a romance...is it okay to leave out the thief part?


message 12: by Susan (new)

Susan Stafford | 230 comments Joynell wrote: "Here's a first attempt at a blurb for a quirky fairy tale / contemporary fantasy / a little romance type story. I'll take all suggestions available!

Thanks!

Title: Hidden: A Pregnant Fairy Godmo..."

'Sounds very interesting! The line about the thief feels a little awkward' perhaps tweak that a bit. This is not a genre I would normally read, but this could pull be in - good luck!


message 13: by Terry (new)

Terry | 1 comments Hi Joy,

this looks really interesting but little awkward. I'd edit down to these and add comments from reviewers to build up the blurb

Ciera’s has a secret. She’s pregnant. Trouble is, Ciera is the Chief Fairy Godmother in all the land and human contact is banned. The father is human...

The blurb you have at the moment makes me think -
Ciera has been in human land, had sex with someone named John - hardly a good father figure start for the baby to hand over to - how many John's has she had sex with?


message 14: by M.L. (new)

M.L. | 1102 comments Joynell wrote: "M.L. Roberts wrote: "Both are good and intriguing, it sounds like a fun story.
My favorite blurb is the original one, the first 2 paragraphs (leaving off the part about the thief), and agree about ..."


Hmm, I don't know. You could leave the part about the thief in, too. I guess the best way to describe it is by interest level:
First part about a pregnant fairy godmother (interest level rises)
Next part, about how many John's in a placed called Chicago (interest level rises more!)
Last part about jewel thief (interest level levels off: jewel thieves are more common)
But I like the whole concept, and I do not think it was awkward. There is a breezy feel to the original and that kind of decreased with the re-writes.


message 15: by Joynell (last edited May 24, 2017 01:18PM) (new)

Joynell Schultz (joynellschultz) | 39 comments Thank you everyone! Here's an update...completely new last paragraph.

Even being the best fairy godmother in all the land, Ciera’s been hiding a secret. Not only has a magical dream left her pregnant, but the father’s human.

Humans are not allowed in the fairy realm. Period. That includes half-fairy half-human babies. The only solution is to give the baby to its father before the Fairy Council finds out her secret. Finding the father should be easy, even without her magic. How many men named John could possibly live in this place called Chicago?

As the first fairy to cross to the human world in centuries, she quickly learns it may be more difficult than she expected. Lucky for Ciera, she has been educated all about this human realm. Watching documentaries such as Frankenstein, Cujo, and Nightmare on Elm Street, she knows exactly what to expect…


message 16: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (last edited May 24, 2017 03:14PM) (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4278 comments Mod
Does it even need a third paragraph? Ending with "How many men named John could possibly live in this place called Chicago?" is pretty intriguing. We're set up for a lot of adventure and mystery, expecting a bit of comedy and possibly romance along the way. I would be interested at the end of the second paragraph to at least open the book and thumb about.


message 17: by Joynell (new)

Joynell Schultz (joynellschultz) | 39 comments Dwayne wrote: "Does it even need a third paragraph? Ending with "How many men named John could possibly live in this place called Chicago?" is pretty intriguing. We're set up for a lot of adventure and mystery, e..."

I think you may be right. Cutting the third paragraph should be enough to call it good. It's only a Novella length, anyway.

Thanks for the help!


message 18: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4278 comments Mod
People tend to gloss over long blurbs. Not that yours was all that long, but often times the shorter you can get them, the more likely a reader will read the whole thing.


message 19: by B.A. (new)

B.A. A. Mealer | 821 comments I'm not great on blurbs, but I agree with Dwayne. Stop at the end of the second paragraph. I'd pick up the book and read a few pages at least with that. With the last paragraph, it is TMI. That is something I'd like to find out when reading the book.

With what I know about the book, I'd like to know when it's published...sounds like a fun read, especially with the "How many John's can possibly live in the place called Chicago?" That one line is great and makes you want to see what happens to her.


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